Five-Minute "An Affirming Flame"
by Zeke

Tyr: Back! Back, you anatomically-correct defensive droids!
Mercenary: I don't know about you, sir, but I'm definitely happy with the way this turned out. They could have been male.

Trance: Now that we've fried the sensors, maybe we can get Hunt to surrender.
Gerentex: Good idea. Then, when he surrenders, we kill him!
Trance: Um...the whole point of getting him to surrender is that we won't have to kill him, since murder should be avoided where possible.
Gerentex: You know, Trance, it amazes me that mindsets as strange as yours can exist.

Andromeda: There's a Nietzschean coming!
Dylan: Drat. Distract him with your hotness while I escape.
Andromeda: Gotcha.
Tyr: Time to die, Cap--ay caramba! Now that's what I'm talkin' about!
Dylan: Heheheh...works every time.

Gerentex: He got away?
Tyr: I couldn't stop him...he had too much babe power at his disposal.
Beka: This won't be getting better any time soon.

Rev: Let's discuss Tyr's backstory. It's a lot like Worf's, which can only be a good thing.
Harper: I don't feel comfortable talking about the guy behind his back when he's standing right here.
Tyr: Hi guys. What's this about me?
Rev: You? We weren't talking about you. We were discussing the Norse god of war, coincidentally also named Tyr.
Tyr: I see. Carry on.
Harper: Um...Rev, isn't it against your religion to tell whopping lies?
Rev: You'd think so, but I've dug up a few loopholes.

Dylan: Time to make use of my right to bear arms.
Andromeda: "Arms and the man I sing, who, forc'd by fate / and haughty Juno's unrelenting hate...."
Dylan: Well?
Andromeda: I only know the first two lines. I was hoping you'd let me trail off.

Tyr: Bud.
Mercenary 1: Wei.
Mercenary 2: Sir, there's a -- OW!
Tyr: Bud.
Mercenary 1: Why, sir, it's -- OW!
Tyr: Bud.
Dylan: Wiser men wouldn't call me that.
Tyr: But why, sir?
Spokesman: The Budweiser Corporation officially denies all knowledge of subliminal messages in this scene.

Dylan: Could you please step away from the armory for a sec?
Beka: That depends. Are you going to blow it up?
Dylan: That depends. Are you going to step away from it?
Beka: Well...nice little vicious circle we've got here.

Gerentex: Hunt did what?
Tyr: Take it easy, boss...he must have used his babe power again.
Beka: I don't like what you're implying. I also don't like Gerentex.
Trance: Me neither!...Hey, put that thing aw--GAK!
Gerentex: Such a pity. She could have been a wonderful, annoying character if she hadn't committed suicide.
Beka: Suicide? YOU killed her!
Gerentex: You need to work on suppressing these suicidal urges, Beka.

Harper: I can't believe she's gone. I just don't know if I can handle the pressure of being the only annoying character on the show....
Rev: Nor I the pressure of being the only bizarre alien. Gerentex must pay -- and his little dog too!
Beka: You shouldn't talk about Tyr that way.

Tyr: That does it! Time to settle our differences, man to man!
Dylan: Agreed. We'll have at it as soon as you look over there.
Tyr: Okay, but I fail to see what purpose that will--OW!

Harper: Good news, boss...I've found a way to access Andromeda's systems.
Gerentex: I hope you mean that the way I think you do.

Harper: Virtual reality is fu--AAAAAAAAA! Please don't kill me, giant virtual bootylicious AI!
Andromeda: Hmm...do you know Dryden's translation of The Aeneid?
Harper: Only the first two lines.
Andromeda: Then you're no use to me. Get out.

Gerentex: Curses...not even our Send In The Nerd plan worked. I'd say it's time to bolt.
Beka: (over the comm) Hang on, we'll come back to the ship.
Gerentex: No, I was thinking more along the lines of "I take the ship, you careen into the black hole."
Beka: But you're taking Harper, right?
Gerentex: Yeah.
Beka: Whew! Thank heaven for small mercies.

Mercenary 1: Oh no! We're falling into the black hole! Do you realize what this means?
Mercenary 2: GASP -- it means we'll survive, since all the major characters are still aboard!
Mercenary 1: Woe of woes! Wait...there may still be a chance if we can get to a lifepod....
Mercenary 2: Hey, yeah! Whew -- we haven't lost our gratuitous deaths after all.

Dylan: Obviously we'll need to team up to escape. I'll stay here and steer the ship -- you guys get out and push.
Beka: Sounds like a plan. Too bad Trance isn't here; she was a good pusher.
Dylan: You mean a pushover?
Beka: Yes.
Trance: Hey, it's not nice to talk about me that way.
Everybody: GASP! You're alive!
Trance: Heheh. How's that for a dramatic enTrance?

Dylan: We're out! In your face, black hole!
Black Hole: Nobody loves me....

Beka: Say, Dylan, would you mind recovering my ship now?
Dylan: I dunno...you may have changed your ways, but you still need to be punished for what you've done.
Beka: Harper's on the ship.
Dylan: Ahhhhh. Yes, that'll be punishment enough.

Gerentex: Grumble grumble grumble....
Dylan: Silence, defeated guy. I have to make a dramatic and stirring speech to begin this bold new mission.
Spokesman: Here, I've taken the liberty of writing one for you.
Dylan: Thanks. (ahem) Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to undertake a great task: rebuild the Commonwealth. This calls for a Bud Light!
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Previous fiver: Under the Night
Next fiver: All Great Neptune's Ocean

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• Michelle Erica Green
  

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