Home Prev 5MA: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Exit Strategies"

by Zeke

Dylan: This show needs a shuttle crash episode.
Maru: Who you callin' a shuttle?
Beka: He's speaking metaphorically, Eureka.
Tyr: I like the crash idea, but we need an excuse. Want me to call up some buddies of mine?
Dylan: Yeah, that should work. Tell them to attack as soon as we're near a planet.
Rev: The Divine told me in a dream last night that I couldn't trust you people. Why didn't I listen?

Harper: Sigh...all is darkness and devastation. Night inevitably triumphs over day.
Trance: I'm going out on a limb here, but I think you may possibly be depressed.

Beka: Looks like we're on an ice planet a few light-years from the Alpha Quadrant.
Dylan: Not exactly how I wanted to cross the finish line. Doing okay, Rev?
Rev: Not bad, but I could really go for some Chinese food.
Dylan: I'll have a look around. You may have to settle for your own intestines, though.

Harper: Oh, woe is me! Woe, woe! Alas! Alack!
Andromeda: A lack of what?
Harper: Despair! Despair!
Andromeda: Oh, good -- you're all out of despair. Nothing to worry about, then.

Dylan: Hmm...there seem to be sinkholes here. Maybe I should tell Beka.
Maru Crew: AAAAAA! We're sinking!
Dylan: On second thought, I don't think I'll bother.

Magnet Creatures: Welcome to the underground caverns. Mind if we eat your ship?
Maru: Oh, you don't want me. I'm all skin and bones. You want my big brother -- he'll be on the bridge soon.
Tyr: Look, I may be gruff, but I'm not a billy goat.

Nietzschean 1: I can't wait to collect the bounty on Tyr.
Nietzschean 2: Me neither. I'll finally be able to afford an electric pencil sharpener -- maybe two!
Dylan: You guys might want to consider killing him instead. Then, whenever someone asks where he is, you'll be able to quip "Tyr's in heaven," to the amusement of all and sundry.
Nietzschean 1: The secret of successful eavesdropping is to not take part in the conversation. Just a heads-up.

Rev: I hate my guts.
Beka: Don't feel so bad, Rev. You can't help the way you were born, unless you get some sort of time machine, causing paradoxes that would confuse us all.
Rev: No no, I said I ate my guts. I was really, really hungry.
Beka: EWWWWWW! Get away from me, you sicko!

Andromeda: Sigh...I'm worried about Harper.
Trance: Like most problems, this one can be solved by sabotage. I'll cause a leak somewhere on the ship so you can plead with him to rescue you.
Andromeda: That could work, but I don't like the way I'm the one taking all the risks.
Trance: Again, sabotage will help. Computer, delete Andromeda's memories of the last five minutes.
Andromeda: Now just a -- (BEEP) Sigh...I'm worried about Harper.
Trance: Don't worry, it's under control.

Beka: Eureka! I have a plan to save us all.
Maru: Do tell.
Beka: Whether your ego believes it or not, I wasn't talking to you.

Tyr: I've come to negotiate.
Nietzschean 1: With muscleheads like us? No offense, but billy goats are smarter than you.
Dylan: They're not gruffer, though.
Nietzschean 2: Hey! What did we tell you about eavesdropping?

Beka: Woohoo! We've escaped our apparent no-win situation!
Maru: That reminds me. How would you feel if I changed my first name to Kobayashi?
Beka: You don't need my permission, Eureka. You're a grown ship now -- you can make your own choices.
Maru: Great! Okay, I'll--
Beka: But choose wisely. I still have the Screwdriver of Pain, and I use it when I feel the need.
Rev: Trust me, she ain't kidding.

Dylan: So there's a bounty on your head. Give me one good reason not to collect it.
Tyr: Because money is the root of all evil.
Dylan: Think harder.

Trance: Oh no! Andromeda, you've sprung a leak! Somehow. Ahem.
Andromeda: That's terrible! Only Harper can save me now....
Harper: Hic. An' then I said, "Look. If you, hey, if you wanna bring one of those things in here, you better bring the rest of us for enough!" Fill me up again, willya Steve?
Andromeda: ....so, as I was saying, I'm doomed.

Tyr: Because you'd get in big trouble with the B/Ters or V/Ters or B/Aers or whatever those people call themselves.
Dylan: Keep trying.

Harper: Hoy slosha...I'm as Winston Churchill as drunk. What's that, scum within me? You'd like to oblige? Happy to die!
Andromeda: No! Don't kill yourself! You have so much to live for!
Harper: What like?
Andromeda: Um...I'll get back to you.

Tyr: Because I get all the best lines.
Dylan: That's a reason to turn you in.

Andromeda: Harper, we all need you! You're a valued and annoying member of the crew!
Harper: That's the thingest nice an imagination of my figment ever said to me.
Andromeda: I'm not a figment of your imagination, and I need you to fix me!
Ali Landry: I'm not imaginary either, so do as she says and go fix her. While eating Doritos.
Harper: Okay, lady. You know, you're one hot tamale....
Andromeda: Why, thank you, Harper!

Tyr: Because your Commonwealth will never succeed without a macho man such as I to back it up.
Dylan: Getting better.

Trance: I just checked that leak. You're all better.
Andromeda: Great! I'm amazed that Harper was able to fix it while he was so drunk.
Trance: Um...Harper. Yeah.

Tyr: Because your only personality trait -- bland, straightlaced good-guy-ness -- prevents you from doing anything like that to me.
Dylan: There you go.
(The Maru blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Widening Gyre
Next fiver: A Heart For Falsehood Framed


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

Other reviews:

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Andromeda
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Exit Strategies"

This fiver was originally published on November 1, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2001, Zeke.