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Five-Minute "Ouroboros"

by Zeke

Andromeda: Greetings, Andromeda fans. I'm here on behalf of the author to apologize for his outrageous delays.
Harper: And I'm here as comic relief.
Andromeda: Quiet, you. Now then... it seems that, for various reasons which are probably just excuses, the author is late with 21 of his Season 2 parodies.
Harper: You know you're in trouble when you're farther behind than Jammer.
Andromeda: I said quiet! What are you trying to do, get us sued? Anyway, the author apologizes and would like to reassure all concerned that he will catch up on all of these parodies before the new season starts.
Harper: Because guarantees from that guy are just worth so much.
Andromeda: Ahem. One moment please, readers.
Andromeda: Thank you. Without further ado, here is the much-delayed "Ouroboros" parody, along with a special bonus: hidden in the fiver are the titles of five Star Trek episodes which, ahem, inspired this episode.
Harper: And they're all at the ends of sentAAARRRRRRRRGH! Stop doing that!
Andromeda: This concludes our introduction. We hope you enjoy the parody as much as I enjoy injuring Harper.
Harper: Sigh....

Rev (Recording): And so it is with the deepest lack of regret that I depart from Andromeda, but I feel I have no choice.
Trance: But why, Rev? Why?
Rev: I'm sure Trance or Harper is getting all weepy now and asking me why. It would be dramatically wrong for me to be open about my motives....
Tyr: The boy has learned well.
Rev: ....so, as I bid you all adieu, I cannot tell you the real reason. I will, however, give you a hunt. Farewell.
Beka: Figures.
Andromeda: Mm-hmm.
(All but Dylan leave.)
Dylan: What was the hint?

Harper: Stupid frickin' son of a grumble grumble grumble....
Dylan: Why so glum, chum?
Harper: Can you believe Rev? He left before I was done dying of Magog! He was my best chance for some reason!
Dylan: You're dying of Magog?
Harper: I've been dying of Magog all year!
Dylan: Is it contagious?
Harper: That does it. Come here yAAAAAGH!
Dylan: Oh no! Hunt to Trance: Harper just keeled over for some reason!

Harper: What's the prognosis?
Trance: Not great. Even after the change it's a pretty weak season for my character.
Harper: I meant MY prognosis.
Trance: Oh, you're still dying. Just faster now.
Tyr: That's what I like to hear.
Dylan: Shut up, Tyr. We need to take action. Only one race can save Harper now....
Beka: But sir, we promised the captain we wouldn't contact the Vidiians!
Dylan: I was alluding to the Perseids.
Beka: Oh. They're okay too, I guess.

Dylan's Log: We're at the Perseid homeworld already. We're just that cool.

Trance: I'll miss you if you die.
Harper: Even if I rise again as a vampire?
Trance: Especially. You and I have a sort of indefinable bond....
Harper: Indefinable? It's called "elimination." We're on a seven-person crew.
Trance: Six now. And maybe five soon, which would leave me just Dylan and Tyr to choose from.
Harper: Oh, really? What choice would you make?
Trance: Suicide.

Höhne: Welcome to the Perseid homeworld.
Dylan: Um... don't you have a name for it?
Höhne: Yes. We call it Earth, like every other stupid species in the galaxies.
Dylan: Point taken. Let's just call it "Perseus."
Höhne: Okay, but if we run into any snakehaired hags, I'm blaming you.

Harper: I have a plan!
Beka: Wow, me too! Does yours have peanut butter in it?
Harper: Peanut butter of TIME, yes.
Dylan: Eek. Time travel? Isn't that dangerous?
Harper: Dangerous of TIME, yes.

Dylan: What do you think? Can he pull it off?
Andromeda: This is Harper we're talking about. He couldn't pull off a shirt.
Dylan: Well I hope he lucks out. We can't afford to lose another male character.
Andromeda: I'll be male if that's how you want me.
Dylan: Um... no, thanks.

Dylan: Doo de doo de doo... just walking down the corridor, not a care in the world....
Andromeda: Hi, Captain.
Dylan: Er, hi.
Kylie Vance: Hi, Captain.
Dylan: Um....
Cronan Thompson: Hi, Captain.
Dylan: Oooooookay.

Andromeda: I just got off the phone with Dylan. Apparently he was trapped in the past.
Harper: That's original. Normally his excuses for not restoring the Commonwealth are pretty weak.
Dylan: (over the comm) I heard that. Do you two know what's causing this disaster?
Andromeda: I've got a theory: there is a demon, a dancing demon. No, something isn't right here....
Harper: Me, I'm thinking time warp. Perhaps caused by my super temporal Magog-frying device.
Dylan: Well, shut it down and we'll deal with your Magog another way. We've got a deep-fryer, right?

Höhne: Shut the device down? But it's so high-tech and sophisticated and... and shiny!
Harper: I know, but Dylan told us to and he's God.
Höhne: Um... okay. I'll... go... do that. Now. Um.
Harper: You can't do it, can you?
Höhne: I set it up like one of those little dinosaur toys. You know, "leave in water and it grows all by itself"?

Tyr: What am I doing in the machine shop?
Harper: Accident. The device brought you here.
Tyr: Where's my shirt?
Harper: Um... I was hoping you knew that part.
Rekeeb: Ask Beka. Hee hee!
Höhne: What have I told you about 'shipping? Do I need to whack you again?
Rekeeb: No, sir.

Andromeda: Harper just told me the freaky time stuff is happening to him too.
Dylan: Aha! So I'm not insane.
Andromeda: Or, you're not the only one insane.
Dylan: Also possible. What do you think we should do?
Andromeda: The horizontal mambo.
Dylan: "We" as in everybody, not just us two.
Andromeda: Oh. Search me, then.

Trance: AAAAA! A death drone of death!
Death Drone of Death: Oh, just great. Now I'm stuck with that name.

Harper: Whoa! I just saw my future self! I must be some kind of visionary....
Tyr: Hey, Mephistopheles? Grab something or you'll get sucked into the vacuum of space, which is currently in the middle of this room.
Harper: I think you mean "Nostradamus."
Tyr: Whatever.

Beka: Back! Back, you death drone of death!
Death Drone of Death: You'd think they could have come up with two D words, but noooooo....
Trance: You saved me, Beka! My hero!
Beka: Uh, heroine.
Trance: No thanks, I've got plenty.

Dylan: Okay, let's get our data together. One: the ship's been temporally shattered.
Andromeda: Two: it's happening to the planet too.
Beka: (over the comm) Three: Stuff from the future keeps attacking Trance, probably for good reasons.
Tyr: (over the comm) Four: My chest is bare.
Dylan: Then it's settled. Our best strategy is to continue roaming randomly until one of us hits on a solution.
Andromeda: If I say I'm a solution, will you hit on me?
Dylan: Give it up.

Vance: Hey, it's a Nietzschean.
Tyr: Yeah, hi... is this timeframe before my kinsmen stage a bloody revolt?
Vance: After, actually.
Tyr: I'll be fleeing in terror now.

Kalderans: CHAAAARGE!
Beka: Well, this'll be fun....
Trance: If you win, I'll write a ballad about it.
Beka: Yeah, whatever. Just pass me my chakram.

Dylan: I hate time travel. Time to impose my will on the universe.
Andromeda: I'm part of the universe! Impose your will on me.
Dylan: Quiet, you. (ahem) Universe, I demand that the next time portal take me to the command deck!
Andromeda: I see a portal ahead. There's something on the floor in there... looks like a deck of cards with four pips on each one.
Dylan: You're not funny, universe.

Tyr: They're trying to kill me, Dylan! Do something!
Dylan: No problem -- I'll distract them with my buff physique.
Vance: Nice try. It takes more than that to distract me.
Dylan: Ever notice how "Kylie Vance" sounds like "Ethlie Vare"?
Vance: Oh NO! On this show, characters named after real people always die! I'm doomed!
Tyr: And distracted. Well done, sir.

Harper: I don't buy this future stuff. There's no fixed future -- always in motion it is.
Höhne: Ironically, you were fated to say that.
Harper: What, I'm not responsible for my own comments?
Höhne: No, predestination dictated that AAAAAAA!
Rekeeb: Holy crap! You just pushed him to his death!
Harper: S'okay. I was fated to.

Andromeda: New plan. Heading for the command deck doesn't work, so let's try going the other way.
Dylan: Okay, but this better not be a plan to land us in the ship's makeout room again. Here's a portal....
Ouroboros: SSSSSSS!
Dylan: Who are you supposed to be?
Ouroboros: Hissss! I am Ouroborossss, the Midgard Sssserpent! And I --
Thor: Back, foul worm! Too long hast thy base serpentine body choked off the very roots of Yggdrasil the World-Tree! Back, before the enchanted uru hammer of mighty Thor!
Dylan: I'm thinking "try another portal," Rommie.
Andromeda: Yes, that sounds like a good plan.

Trance: Great job, Beka! You and your characteristic war-yodel took down all the bad guys!
Beka: Well, some of the credit goes to my chilling half-robot future self.
Future Beka: Credit is irrelevant. We are the Beka.
Trance: I think she's cute.
Beka: Don't say that.

Rekeeb: Sigh.
Harper: Pretty bummed out about Höhne, eh?
Rekeeb: Who? I'm just worried about the Beka/Tyr relationship. She keeps seeing other guys.
Harper: That's just an act. Don't worry -- Beka knows what's what.

Beka: WHAT THE--
Future Trance: Quick! Someone has to go in that portal or the Klingons will come through!
Beka: But -- but --
Future Trance: In case you haven't noticed, Captain, I outrank you. Do it!
Trance: It's okay, Beka. I'll go.
Beka: But... but what if you don't make it?
Trance: You'll still have my future self.
Beka: Can she carry a tune?

Harper: Whoa! How did we all end up in the machine shop?
Dylan: I had Rommie fire up her magic subroutine and skip us through four pages of "plot." Hey, wasn't Höhne with you?
Harper: He fell to his death. But maybe death is just a strange new kind of trance. Speaking of which....
Future Trance: Me? I'm from a terrible, terrible alternate timeline.
Andromeda: Is it different from this one?
Future Trance: Not really, no.

Dylan: Let's put our heads together and come up with a plan. Um, Rekeeb, let go of Beka and Tyr and learn to be less literal.
Rekeeb: Never! They'll kiss if I have to force them to!
Andromeda: I'll begin the standard beating-up, Dylan.
Rekeeb: Oh, that's real fair. Why, why won't you take 'shippers like me seriously?
Dylan: Your name is "Beeker" backwards, for one thing.

Tyr: Well, Harper, time to choose. Do we break the machine, saving Höhne and giving me the delight of blasting your head off, or do I save you and miss all the fun?
Harper: Boy, tough choice. On the one hand I really suck compared to Höhne. He had the best Andromeda website ever! On the other hand, I am a chicken....
Future Trance: Hey, look. A distraction.
Everyone: WHERE?
Future Trance: Heh heh. Problem solved.

Dylan's Log: Well, Harper's cured and the ship's stopped being all twisted. A few beers and I'm sure we can put the whole thing behind us.

Dylan: So you came from the future to replace a past figure... or is that "you will come"?
Trance: Stick with the past tense.
Dylan: You think you're so cool with your nonpurplitude and revised speaker credit. Do you know what you've done by saving Harper? You've kept a popular character around, relieving viewers of... wait....
Trance: Need a hand?
Dylan: No no, I can get this. You've preserved the life of our engineer, possibly saving us from succumbing to mechani-- damn it!
Trance: I'll just consider myself chastised, sir.
Dylan: Thanks.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 14, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2002, Zeke.