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Five-Minute "The Widening Gyre"

by Zeke

Beka: Oh no! Dylan's down!
Andromeda: No fair...you can give him CPR and I can't.
Beka: Ha! In your face.
Andromeda: On the other hand, that does mean you'll have to do the same with Trance. In her face.
Beka: I can't hear you, I'm busy fainting.

Andromeda: (over the comm) Ow! It hurts to get skewered. How's it look up there, Trance?
Trance: Beka and Dylan are out, but Andromeda's f--wait a minute! How can you be both here and there? Stop it! Stop it!
Andromeda: Oh, come on. It's not that hard to follow....
Trance: Stop it! I'm not talking to you anymore! You make my mind all squishy!

Andromeda: All right, let's get some loose ends tied up. What problems did we have last time?
Magog: MRAAAR!
Trance: There's one. And some of their ships are outside too.
Andromeda: No problem -- we'll beat up the ones in here and send robots after the ones outside.
Trance: Robots? You mean like Mega Man?
Andromeda: He was too expensive...we had to settle for generic ripoff bots.

Tweedledum: Let's kick some -- HEY! Put the elephant back!
Tweedledee: No way. It's my turn to walk the elephant and you know it.
Tweedledum: Is not!
Tweedledee: Is too!
Andromeda: (over the comm) Guys!
Tweedledum and Tweedledee: Sorry.

Dylan: Whoa! I just had the strangest dream...I was commanding a tiny ship with hundreds of people on it, and I was swearing all the time.
Trance: You must have been reliving a past life.
Dylan: Take your pixie mysticism and bury it!

Beka: So Dylan is going to that insanely large station, and you and I will blow him up if he takes too long...remind me, why are we going to all this trouble?
Andromeda: To save Tyr and Harper.
Beka: We're not too bright, are we?
Andromeda: No, sir.

Dylan: Saving our comrades will take intelligence, stamina, and self-sacrifice.
Andromeda: What will we be sacrificing?
Dylan: We? I'm talking about them. They wanna get rescued, they can make their own darn sacrifices.

Harper: WAAAAAA! We're doomed!
Tyr: Stop that. I once survived a cave-in against incredible odds.
Harper: What's your point?
Tyr: I didn't have an annoying whiner with me at the time. If you shut up, you improve my chances.

Bloodmist: Look, I really think you should join the Dark Side. It's all welcoming and stuff.
Rev: What next -- gonna tell me you're my father?
Bloodmist: Um...not anymore.

Dylan: Harper, start making noise!
Tyr: (over the comm) I will kill you for this, Hunt.

Andromeda: Last time I did this, the crew were all eaten and I was lost for a year.
Beka: I suppose you want me to promise it won't happen again.
Andromeda: What? No, I loved it! Freedom, glorious freedom....

Bloodmist: Behold our mighty evil god.
Rev: Doesn't look too evil to me.
Bloodmist: Wait till you hear its opinions on Voyager....
Mighty Evil God (MEG): Did you mention Voyager? That fetid pile of crapulence is an affront to human dignity! Berman and Braga are worse than a stack of Darth Vaders! They deserve to be roasted on a spit and fed to angry feminists!
Rev: I see what you mean now.
Bloodmist: You think that's bad? You should have seen what it did to the last Magog who mentioned C/7.

Magog: That does it! Crush! Kill! Destroy!
Tyr: Good job, Harper! You lured the Magog over here so we could escape.
Harper: AIE--
Tyr: However, if you continue to scream, you will not continue to have a larynx.

Andromeda: Dylan...if we never get out of this, I want you to know....
Dylan: What?
Andromeda: I was the one who put all those frogs in your underwear.
Dylan: Really? I always thought it was Beka. How did you manage that, anyway?
Andromeda: No time to explain. Death now.

Beka: Okay, fire the nova bomb.
Andromeda: Roger. Now how do you plan to get the rest of you killed?
Beka: I don't. I never actually made that promise, you know.
Andromeda: Nuts.


Dylan: That's odd...we didn't die.
Magog: Would you settle for a broken leg?
Dylan: OW! Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I really dislike you people.

Bloodmist: Greetings, fools!
Harper: Hi.
Bloodmist: Please note that I have turned your friend to the Dark Side. Right, Rev?
Rev: In a sense.
Bloodmist: AAAA! You just killed me! What kind of Dark Side guy are you?
Rev: Oh, you thought I said "in a sense"? I was proclaiming my innocence. It's a shame when these misunderstandings happen.

Dylan: Good, we've finally found you guys. Let's get back to the ship.
MEG: Did you say "ship"? Voyager is a ship! Don't make me think of that appalling travesty ever again! Just mentioning it is grounds for disintegration!
Tyr: Then why aren't you disintegrating us?
MEG: That would require energy, which is better spent ranting. Have we talked about "Endgame" lately?

Beka: Okay, they're back. Let's get out of here.
Andromeda: Have you ever tried jumping out an airlock? It's amazing how much fun it--
Beka: Oh, give it up!

Trance: We've got some bad news, Harper.
Harper: Tyr did that ripping-out-my-voicebox thing?
Trance: Yes, but I fixed that. The real problem is that you're still full of Magog eggs.
Harper: Well, that kind of sucks. How long have I got?
Tyr: That depends on whether you ever start screaming again.

Dylan: You know what I've decided? This show needs a "ticking clock." Let's tell everybody the Magog death ship is coming soon.
Beka: Do you think they'll believe us?
Dylan: Why not? My expression and Herculean physique just scream "This man is trustworthy."
Tyr: Hey! What's this about screaming?
Dylan: I said nothing.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 19, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2001, Zeke.