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Five-Minute "Under the Night"

by Zeke

Dylan: We're under attack. Battle stations.
Crewman: AAAAAAAAAAAA! We're all going to die!
Rhade: Well, that drill could have gone better.

Dylan: I'll improve morale by making an average crewman feel better. Watch.
Average Crewman: I'm sorry about our pathetic showing, sir.
Dylan: Not to worry. It's your effort, and your meaningless death later on, that count.
Average Crewman: Wow -- I feel great now! Thanks!

Dylan: You know, life is good. I'm getting married soon, I command the flagship of the Commonwealth, and I'm played by Kevin Sorbo.
Rhade: Lucky. All I get are incredible genetic enhancements and a secret plot of evil.

Courier: (over the comm) Come quickly, Andromeda! You're desperately needed!
Dylan: By whom?
Courier: The Nietzscheans. They've gone to the trouble of setting up a whole ambush just for you.
Rhade: We'd be very inconsiderate to disappoint them, sir.

Andromeda: Here I come to save the day!
Big-@$$ Nietzschean Fleet: Hello.
Andromeda: Aw, crap.

Rhade: You'd better get all the Nietzscheans off the bridge in case we're betraying you.
Dylan: The situation's not that desperate unless people are dying....
Average Crewman: AAAAAAAA!
Dylan: Turn on the "No Nietzscheans Allowed" sign, Rhade.

Dylan: Report!
Crewman: It's not looking good, sir. We've lost shields, our weapons are gone....
Dylan: Perhaps today is a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed!
Crewman: Sir, there's another starship coming in...it's the Enterprise!
Dylan: You mean Picard's huge engine of butt-kicking?
Crewman: Um...no, Archer's weak-kneed dinghy of suckitude.
Dylan: Gee, that'll help us out. Abandon ship!

Rhade: Rhade. Kills Hunts dead.
Dylan: Put away that pun and fight like a man!

Andromeda: Uh oh. This can't be good....
Black Hole: Come to papa, baby!

Dylan: Sorry I had to kill you, old friend.
Rhade: S'okay. Just do one last thing for me....
Dylan: Sure. What do I do?
Rhade: Stay frozen in time until I say otherwise.
Dylan: Okay, man. You just give me the word.
Rhade: GAK!
Dylan: Uh oh.

300 Years: We have passed.

Beka's Log (I know that sounds silly, but less so than "Valentine's Log"): We've been sent to defrost the Andromeda. Considering the title of the show, we figure this job may have a future.

Harper: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste....
Trance: No, you're an annoying little whiner with a voice like nails on a chalkboard.
Harper: And you're a purple ditz with a gratuitous tail, so why should I care what you think?
Trance: One...two...three...four....
Harper: I'm sorry. Will you go out with me?
Rev: How was his turnaround time?
Trance: Five seconds. With practice, I'll get it down to two.

Harper: Okay, let's deploy the ropes.
Beka: You've gotta be kidding! We're using ropes to pull something out of a black hole?
Harper: The ropes are made of rolled-up duct tape.
Beka: Oh. Objection withdrawn.

Andromeda: Wakey-wakey.
Dylan: Aw, honey, just five more minutes....
Andromeda: Who's got that kind of time? Anyway, bad news: we've been boarded by pirates.
Dylan: Uh oh. We'd better ramp up the security on your program right away.
Andromeda: I don't mean software pirates.
Dylan: Oh.

Beka: Howdy. I'm taking your ship.
Dylan: Perhaps you'd like to discuss that with my violent tendencies.
Beka: I would. But with these numerous armed toughs representing me.
Dylan: Oh heck....


Next fiver: An Affirming Flame


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

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This fiver was originally published on October 10, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2001, Zeke.