Any Episode

by Zeke

Narrator: The world is a savage garden. But I believe in karma -- what you give is what you get returned.

Good Guy: You know, life is pretty much OK.
Bad Guy: Not on my watch!
Good Guy: Hey, it's my friend or coworker or relative or someone I've never met. How come you're credited as "bad guy"?
Bad Guy: Oh, no reason. By the way, I just killed your loved one or ruined your reputation or took your job or blackmailed you or ran over your dog. And I don't even care.
Good Guy: What? You bastard!

Good Guy's Family and Friends: Is everything okay? You seem depressed.
Good Guy: Uh... hypothetically, if I were in some trouble, you'd believe and support me, right?
Good Guy's Family and Friends: Not in the least. Why do you ask?

Good Guy: I can't stop that bad guy, and I can't tell anyone! What am I going to do?
Schoolgirl 1: Hey, have you guys heard about that website, the Hotline to Hell?
Schoolgirl 2: Yeah! They say if you go there at midnight and type in someone's name, the Hell Girl will take them to hell!
Schoolgirl 3: Sounds handy for people who have a big problem and don't know what to do!
Good Guy: Hmmm.... *walks off*
Schoolgirl 1: And then there's that videotape that kills you if you watch it!
Asakawa Reiko: Hmmm... *walks off*
Schoolgirl 1: And that notebook where you write people's names and they die!
Yagami Light: Hmmm... *walks off*
Schoolgirl 2: Quit launching plots, Yoko.

Hotline to Hell: We will exact your vengeance.
Good Guy: Oh, I can't do it! Maybe he'll stop being a jerk tomorrow...

(The next night)
Hotline to Hell: We will exact your vengeance.
Good Guy: Okay, I've typed his name, now I just need to press -- oh, I can't do it! Maybe tomorrow he'll see the light...

(The next night)
Hotline to Hell: We will exact your vengeance.
Good Guy: Hmm. Do I have the kanji for his last name right? I'd better wait till tomorrow so I can ask him.

(The next night)
Hotline to Hell: We will exact your vengeance.
Good Guy: I wonder if I'd feel better about this on a full stomach. I'll go get --
Mysterious Girl: That does it. Out of the way. *types the bad guy's name and presses Enter*

Good Guy: Whoa! Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are we suddenly in a spooky field at twilight?
Mysterious Girl: Enma Ai. Hell. Atmosphere.
Good Guy: Oh, you're that Hell Girl! Wow... I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't jailbait.
Enma Ai: *withering stare*
Good Guy: Er, hellbait?

Enma Ai: I'm going to offer you a deal. And a doll. Wanyuudou?
Wanyuudou: *sigh* This always cramps me up.
(Wanyuudou turns into a little straw man)
Enma Ai: Here you go.
Good Guy: Why do I feel this urge to argue against it?

Enma Ai: If you untie the red string around this doll, I will immediately take your enemy to hell. But there is a price.
Good Guy: I knew there'd be strings attached. Wait...
Enma Ai: In return for my services, you too will be taken to hell when you die. Your soul will wander for all eternity. Forever and ever, et cetera.
Good Guy: Why do you sound so bored?
Enma Ai: You try giving the exact same speech every night for centuries.

Good Guy: So I have to give up my soul for this? That's crazy!
Enma Ai: Your call. *vanishes*
Good Guy: Man, who would make that kind of deal? No revenge is worth going to hell for. Forget it.

(The next day)
Good Guy: GRRRRRRRR! Revenge! REVENGE! Where did I leave that doll?
Wanyuudou: (If he takes a month to check under his bed like the last guy, I quit.)

Good Guy: Okay... I've gotta calm down. I can't rush into this decision.
Good Guy's Friend: Hey, you hear what just happened? Something even worse.
Good Guy: Oh really? You haven't seen the bad guy, have you?
Good Guy's Friend: He was over that way. But he said he had nothing to do with it, and if he's not trustworthy, who is?

Good Guy: I'm going to give you one more chance. You know what you did was wrong.
Bad Guy: Yeah, probably, on some level. Way down there.
Good Guy: If you'll just confess to it and show a little humility...
Bad Guy: Are you calling me prideful? ME? Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?
Good Guy: I mean it! If you won't back down, I'll use -- this! *pulls out the doll*
Bad Guy: So... you're gonna stick pins in it or something?
Good Guy: You asked for it! *pulls the red string*
Wanyuudou: (dissolving) Thank you for your business. Your vengeance will be delivered in the order in which it was received.

Ai's Grandmother: I've prepared your work kimono.
Enma Ai: Thanks. *gets out of the water*
Ai's Grandmother: Um... shouldn't you take off the wet robe you're wearing first? That can't be very comfortable.
Enma Ai: Do I come behind your curtain and tell you how to mysteriously sew?

Bad Guy: That's funny, I could swear I was just talking to --
Horrific Visions: BOO!
Bad Guy: Gah! These visions are scary! And ironically symbolic of what I've been doing to the good guy! I'm sure it's just a coincidence, though.

Wanyuudou: And I don't have a distinctive body part, but since I'm a flaming wheel with a face, I think I'm scary enough as is.
Bad Guy: AAAAAAAAAAA! Hey, wait... wheel guy, weren't you an old man with a cool hat two seconds ago?
Wanyuudou: Yep. I was also the doll earlier.
Bad Guy: Make up your damn mind!

Ichimoku Ren: So, feel like repenting yet?
Bad Guy: I've done nothing wrong! Everything I did to the good guy was either justified, unavoidable, or fun.
Hone-Onna: You're being judged by supernatural beings. Defending yourself really might not be the best plan here.
Bad Guy: Ha! Where were you guys when I laid the --
Ichimoku Ren: Ooookay, that'll do. You're up, Miss.
(Ai appears dramatically)
Enma Ai: You suck. Wanna die?
Wanyuudou: *sigh* I keep telling her to work on the speech.

Bad Guy: Oof... I must have passed out after that FX sequence. Hey, what gives?
Enma Ai: I'm ferrying you to hell. For free, at that. Ingrate.
Bad Guy: Styx and stones may break my bones, but --
(All the bad guy's bones break)
Enma Ai: And now I'm stuck listening to you scream for the next twelve hours. One of these days I'm buying a damn outboard motor.

Hone-Onna: Another job well done.
Ichimoku Ren: Hey Wanyuudou, I've been wondering something. What would we actually do if a victim repented?
Wanyuudou: Believe it or not, it's never come up.
Hone-Onna: Well, anyway, now we're off duty. We can relax and enjoy the mysterious scenery.
(Long pause)
Hone-Onna: Yep. Mysterious as ever.
(Long pause)
Wanyuudou: You get used to it after a hundred years or so.
(Long pause)
Ichimoku Ren: I'm gonna go hide Ai's computer mouse.

Good Guy's Friend: Isn't it great how your life is completely back to normal now?
Good Guy: You said it. Better, if anything.
Good Guy's Friend: Funny how it happened at the same time the bad guy mysteriously disappeared and evidence of his wrongdoing was found. By the way, is there something on your chest?
Good Guy: Nope. Certainly not a little black wisp of hellfire permanently branded on me to remind me of my fate. Why do you ask?
Good Guy's Friend: You stop to look at it every time we pass a reflective surface.

(A candle marked with the good guy's name appears and joins many others)
Enma Ai: You too can get these results. Contact the Hotline to Hell now! Some charges may apply.


How To Use:

This fiver applies as-is for the first seven episodes. For all others, consult the following list:

  • If it's episode 8 or later, throw in a few scenes in which Hajime and Tsugumi fail to talk the good guy out of it.
  • If it's Season 2, have one of Ai's helpers take a personal interest in the case, and include at least one scene of Kikuri annoying people.
  • If it's Season 3, have Yuzuki fail to talk the good guy out of it. If she even comes close, you're doing it wrong.
  • If it's a season finale, forget the fiver. Just imagine the saddest thing in the whole world and pretend you read that instead.
  • If it's the live action show, remove all the capital letters. There's no budget for them.
  • If it's the manga, same as the above fiver, except Ai shows up somewhere in the good guy's life beforehand and all the women look the same.
  • If it's the DS game, hell if I know. Someone should translate it already.
  • If Ai looks older and smiles all the damn time, you've got the wrong show. You'll have to wait for Five-Minute XXXHolic. Don't worry, I'll write it if I'm destined to.
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___ Five-Minute Hell Girl

This fiver was originally published on December 17, 2009 (April Fool's Day).

DISCLAIMER: Ippen... shindemiru?

All material © 2009, Colin Hayman.