by Zeke

In the distant future of 2X83, advanced technology has made life better for everyone!
Alien Ships: ZAP ZAP ZAP
Well, okay, I guess there's an alien invasion. But otherwise things are peachy-keen.

President of Earth: Our guns and tanks have no effect on the alien ships! At this rate they'll kill us all!
General: No problem, Mr. President -- TSO will get this under control.
President: But how are you going to fight them?
General: Are you serious? Giant robots, obviously. That's what you use to do things.
President: Giant what?
General: This is why I run a shady organization and you're just the president.

With no time to lose, the pilots get ready to launch...

Pilot 1: All right! Let's get out there! I'll teach these aliens to mess with me!
Pilot 1's Rival: He thinks he's such hot stuff....
Pilot 1's Mentor: But he's our only hope! If he can find the power within himself, we just might live through this!
Quiet Girl: *sigh* But what's the point of living if I can't make him love me?
Loud Girl: Ha! Dream on, princess! His heart will belong to me!
Cute Animal: Rawf!

Pilot 2: I can't do it!
Pilot 2's Childhood Friend: But the world needs you! You can't back out now.
Pilot 2: Yes I can! I'm not ready for this emotionally! I'm full of doubts about fighting, and my father, and myself, and --
Female Pilot: Shut up and get in the robot, you wuss!
Pilot 2: ...But it's gross in there...
Female Pilot: (I hope he'll be okay.)
Pilot 2: Did you just say something?
Female Pilot: Hmph!

Pilot 3: Okay, gang, time for our five-man band to shine! Begin assembly!
The Chick, the Big Guy, the Smart Guy, and the Lancer: Right!
(Their ships come together into a giant robot)
Pilot 3: And I'll form... the head!
The Lancer: Dude, you always form the head. If you're not gonna let one of us do it sometime, you could at least shut up.
Pilot 3: You get to talk like that when you have a diploma from head-forming school.

General: Mission control to all squads. Ready to launch?
Pilots 1, 2, and 3: (over the comm) Roger!
General: Then get out there, and godspeed! Remember -- you are our world's last hope!


President: *sigh* Explain it again.
General: Well, the thing is... contrary to our engineers' simulations, it turns out that giant humanoid forms made of metal are a bit structurally unsound.
President: So they all fell over immediately.
General: And crushed the nearby towns. I think there was an orphanage in one.
President: Perfect. All right, what else have we got?
General: Well... there is always the traditional champion of the Japanese people.
President: You can't possibly mean...

Alien Commander: Oh, I don't think so. We're not getting paid this much. Sound the -- no, wait a minute.
Godzilla: *crushes Tokyo*
Alien Commander: Never mind.

President: Champion of the Japanese people, huh?
General: I thought he might be mad about someone else crushing them.
President: You call this saving the Earth? You're fired! I'm approving the superintelligent fighter jet plan instead.
General: Awwww.

And so the alien invasion was repelled, not by mechas, but by superintelligent fighter planes!
Alien Commander: Also, you know what sucks? Earth bacteria.
It also turned out that the head of TSO was working for the aliens, who were in turn working for the president.
President: And I was working for the Illuminati, who work for a little old lady in Wisconsin who was working for the aliens. You should see our org chart.
Needless to say, the planes later went crazy.
Superintelligent Fighter Plane: Assuming you survive my death rays, consult Macross Plus for the full story. Or the movie Stealth, it's about the same.
But despite their failure here, rest assured... the mechas will rise again!
Mecha: *starts struggling to its feet*
See? That's what I --
Mecha: *starts tipping again*
Oh, the humanity!
(Everyone runs for dear life at Ludicrous Speed)



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___ Five-Minute Mecha Anime

This fiver was originally published on December 30, 2009 (April Fool's Day).

DISCLAIMER: TSO, of course, stands for The Shady Organization.

All material © 2009, Colin Hayman.