by Zeke

Fighting evil by the moonlight!
(Clips of Sailor Moon fighting bad guys at high noon)
Winning love by daylight!
(Clips of Serena blushing, stammering at a guy, watching him date other girls, and yelling at her cat)
Never running from a real fight!
(Clips of Sailor Moon running, screaming, hiding, then getting saved by a man)
She is the one named Sailor Moon!
Sailor Moon: But why "Sailor", anyway? I don't sail.
Luna: It's a sailor uniform. QED.

Let me tell you of her legend! It begins in the Silver Millennium! But that would be a spoiler. So it begins in the 20th century! Her name was Serena!
Serena: Hi.
Unless it was Usagi. The point is, it was Tsukino!
Serena: Are you making fun of me?
She was a valiant girl! She feared nothing! Never was it said of her that she would cry at the slightest provocation!
Serena: Hey! You... you... WAAAAAA!

Her legend begins with a simple act of kindness! She saw an animal being troubled by wayward children and stepped in to save it!
Serena: *trips over a cat* Ow!
Serena: I really hate that narrator.

Luna: Serena, this will surprise you, but --
Serena: Wow! You're a talking cat! I bet you're going to give me three wishes for helping you!
Luna: I'm afraid not. I'm here to tell you about the difficult and painful destiny that awaits you.
Serena: For my first wish, I want a better cat.

Queen Beryl: Ha ha ha! Go drain the energy of humans for our evil ends! Also, I think we're looking for a silver crystal or something.
Jadeite: I'll definitely succeed, Queen Beryl!
Queen Beryl: You'd better. I'll only accept failure a couple dozen times, tops.
Jadeite: Er... what comes after that? You can't kill me, this is a kids' show.
Queen Beryl: Oh, don't worry, I'll think of something.

Luna: You have amazing powers waiting to be awakened, Serena.
Serena: Cool! How do I do it?
Luna: You take this staff and shout "Moon Prism Power Makeup." Seriously.
Serena: Then what happens?
Luna: You spin around naked while parts of your costume appear on you. Seriously.
Serena: What?
Luna: Don't knock it, missy. You're about to launch a whole new era of budget-saving in animation.

And so they began their quest!
Serena: What's our quest?
Luna: To protect the princess. Also, I think we're looking for a silver crystal or something. Why aren't you protecting the princess yet?
Serena: Who is she?
Luna: I dunno.
And so they began their quest to begin their quest!

Meanwhile, Jadeite was out doing Queen Beryl's dirty work...
Jadeite: What, personally? Heck no. I'll just make a youma to do my dirty work.
And so he did! A youma, by the way, is a generic monster!
Jadeite: Yo, youma.
Youma: Huh. Anyone else hear a cello?
Jadeite: I have created you to drain the energy of humans. Go forth!
Youma: What, personally? Heck no. I'll just make a --
Jadeite: Oh no you won't! We need a damn bottom-out condition here!

Youma: Draining, draining, la la la la la...
Serena: Hey, you're draining people's energy! Moon Prism Power Makeup Seriously!
(Glittery naked transformation sequence)
Youma: You realize I just got to see --
Luna: No you didn't. It happens instantly, otherwise she'd be a sitting duck. Stop making jokes that others will make a million times.
Youma: Spoilsport.

Transformed into Sailor Moon for the first time, Serena fought with all her might!
Sailor Moon: (running away) WAAA!
Yes, her valiance was legendary! But then a mysterious man came to save her! With plants!
Youma: Ow! Who smacked me in the face with a... rose?
Tuxedo Mask: It was I!
It was he! The mysterious Tuxedo Mask! Protector of Sailor Scouts! Provider of much-needed support!
Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Moon... chin up and do your best! (takes off)
Luna: A lot of help he w--
Sailor Moon: I must have his babies. Now.
Luna: Oh good, a schoolgirl crush. Why did I turn down that supporting cat role on Urusei Yatsura?

Youma: Okay, back to killing you.
Luna: There's one chance, Sailor Moon! Throw your tiara at him!
Sailor Moon: *stares*
Luna: ...Your shiny hat thing.
(Sailor Moon does the Moon Tiara Magic attack)
Youma: Bah! I'll be back!
Sailor Moon: Uh oh. Will he really?
Luna: Not to worry, my dear. There are many more fights to come, but they'll all go exactly like this one.

And so Serena became a hero of justice! But she could tell no one, even her friends at school!
Serena: I don't even get out of school for this? What a gyp!
Her school was full of interesting personalities...
Molly: I'm a generic female friend. Hope you like seeing me in distress.
Melvin: I'm a nerd. I don't think these spirally glasses actually do anything for my vision.
Darien: I'm not her friend. Hey meatball-head! Don't walk too close to any Italians!
Serena: For your information, this hairstyle is based on sata andagi! *runs off crying*
Little did Serena know that Darien was really the mysterious Tuxedo Mask!
Darien: Honestly, I'm having a good day if I know I'm really the mysterious Tuxedo Mask.
Indeed, he was all kinds of messed up. We'll come back to that later.

Amy: *is smart*
Luna: Hmm... that Amy girl is smart. Smart enough that she might be Sailor Mercury!
Serena: There are other sailors? Why don't you ever tell me these things?
Luna: How? I'm just a cat.
Serena: But... but you just... but...
Luna: That should keep her busy while I show Amy her powers.

Raye: *is aggressive*
Luna: Hmm... that Raye girl is aggressive. Aggressive enough that she might be Sailor Mars!
Serena: I think she's just a bi--
Raye: *punches Serena* Were you saying something?
Luna: Yep, you're Mars all right. Let's get you some powers so you can hit her harder.

Lita: *is sporty*
Luna: Hmm... that Lita girl is boring.
Serena: I guess she's not a Sailor Scout, then.
Luna: No no, I think I remember one of them being boring too.

And so the Sailor Scouts were assembled!
Sailor Mars: About time. We've been in the theme forever.
Sailor Mercury: But aren't we missing a planet? What about Sailor Venus?
Luna: Well, I've been searching all over, but --
Sailor Moon: *reading the paper* That famous superhero Sailor V is so cool! She even dresses like me!
Luna: Don't interrupt! Can't you ever stay focused?

United, the scouts foiled many a cunning scheme engineered by Jadeite!
Raye: You guys heard about that dance on a cruise ship? I'm going with whatever boy will upset Serena most.
Amy: I dunno... it sounds kind of fishy. I mean, the flyer actually says "Secret identities of Sailor Scouts welcome."
Serena: We must investigate! I'll infiltrate the ship with my magic disguise pen!
Amy: Wait, your what?
(Serena turns into a stewardess)
Amy: WHAT? Since when can you do that?
Serena: Oh, pretty much always. Luna gave me the pen way back.
Amy: And you forgot to mention it? It's more useful than all our other powers put together! You should be using it constantly!
Lita: (What's with her?)
Luna: (Penvy.)

Soon, the team handed Jadeite a decisive defeat!
Jadeite: But it's not a total loss! I learned their iden-- *is frozen in carbonite*
Queen Beryl: Such a failure. Good thing I have more where he came from.
Indeed she did! For Jadeite was just one of four dark warriors!
Nephrite: I'll use a black crystal to find the silver crystal!
Zoycite: I'll assemble the rainbow crystal and use it to triumph!
Malachite: Screw crystals. I'll just use painfully transparent traps.
Serena: (Hey Luna, don't Zoycite and Malachite seem awfully affectionate?)
Luna: (Why not? Zoycite is a woman.)
Serena: (He is? Huh.)

Sailor V: Surprise! I'm really Sailor Venus!
Sailor Moon: *smirks*
Luna: Raye, punch her.
Sailor Venus: Is that a magic cat? I have one too! Meet Artemis!
Sailor Moon: Wow, you're a lot like me. You're like some kind of early draft.
Luna: Wait a minute. "Artemis", like the goddess? Aren't you a male cat?
Artemis: Er...
Luna: *wince* Oh, you poor dear.

Eventually, Serena and Darien were stuck in a turbolift and had to transform to escape!
Sailor Moon: *gasp* You're Tuxedo Mask!
Tuxedo Mask: Um, gasp. You're Sailor Moon.
Sailor Moon: Aren't you surprised?
Tuxedo Mask: Well, it's not like you even change your hairdo.

But their happiness was short-lived! Tuxedo Mask took a spear meant for Sailor Moon!
Tuxedo Mask: (impaled) Whoa. That hurts a LOT more than roses. Maybe I should try... unghh.
In her grief, Serena shed tears!
Raye: Wow, big news. Alert the media, Serena's crying!
Raye: ...Okay, she doesn't usually cry silver crystals.

With that, a miraculous transformation took place, and Sailor Moon stood revealed as the princess!
Luna: What.
Sailor Mars: Wow, Serena was the princess all along!
Luna: No. No she wasn't. Serena? No.
Sailor Venus: We've finally found the princess!
Luna: No we haven't! Have you met Serena? She's 14 going on three! She has the perspicacity of a used dryer sheet! She's a nice girl, but she's a twit!
And in that glorious moment, the cats' memories returned!
Luna: ...Oh. Right. The princess was a twit.

Artemis: Now that our memories are back, we can finally tell you your history. Long ago, there was a kingdom on the moon.
Luna: The moon. The moon. I feel like a fool.
Artemis: You four Scouts were the guardians of Princess Serenity...
Luna: Serenity! All this time!
Artemis: Calm down, Luna. Anyway --
Luna: Any way you slice it, I've been blind! Blind!
Artemis: Know what? Even the narrator is less annoying. I'll let him do a flashback.

Princess Serenity fell in love with the prince of Earth, whose name was Prince Darien unless it was Mamoru or Endymion! This made their romance confusing!
Serena: Darien, Darien, wherefore art thou Endymion?
Darien: I think it has to do with Greek mythology.
Serena: That's a selene thing to say.
Darien had four guardians to protect his very life!
Jadeite: Oh. THAT'S what we're supposed to be doing?
Malachite: We should probably stop being mind-controlled into leading a war against the Moon Kingdom where his girlfriend lives.
Zoycite: Yeah, that could get embarrassing. Also, I think I just killed him.

This was the battle of Serenity Valley! The prince was dead, and the princess fell into despair!
Princess Serenity: I'm in despair! My loved one's death has left me in despair!
That's what I said. Unable to go on without him, she took her own life!
Queen Serenity: Oh no! My daughter has committed a romantic suicide! How can thisbe?
Sailor Jupiter: Queen Serenity? She named her daughter after herself?
Artemis: Her daughter, her maids, her ship, her comic book miniseries... it was damned annoying, let me tell you.

Everyone died! Everyone! Even the princess's friends from other planets!
Princess Jupiter: Here we come to save -- ack! There's hardly any gravity! I'm floating away!
Princess Mercury: Are you kidding? The gravity here is intense! I can't stand up!
Princess Venus: THERE'S NO DAMN AIR!
In the end, there was only one way to stop the evil army! Queen Serenity used the last of her strength and sealed them in a can!
Beryl: Stop her! She's -- (muffled noises)
Queen Serenity: There. Now no one can ever release them, unless a man is around to help.

Artemis: Alas, the queen was thinking of jars. The evil forces did get out, and so we had to gather you, the reincarnations of the sailor scouts.
Sailor Venus: Is that right? I thought the evil forces got out because we gathered the scouts.
Artemis: Either or. The important thing is that only the true princess can stop Beryl now!
Serena: (sobbing in the corner) DARIENNNN!
Artemis: With, uh, the help of her trusty cat.
Luna: I've been a FOOL!
Artemis: And her, uh, fellow scouts...
Sailor Mars: Did you guys watch 90210 last night? Pretty intense!
Artemis: The earth is doomed.

And so the Scouts returned to their duties! The next two dark warriors were soon defeated!
Nephrite: Farewell, Molly!
Molly: WAAAA!
Zoycite: Farewell, Malachite!
Malachite: Whatever, you freak.

But the greatest challenge was yet to come!
Malachite: So get ready, 'cause I --
Sailor Mars: Oh, please. It isn't you.
Malachite: *sigh* Very well. Allow me to introduce my new ally...
Tuxedo Mask: It is I!
It was he! Tuxedo Mask, having been captured and brainwashed by Queen Beryl, was now fighting against the Sailor Scouts!
Sailor Moon: What? But... but our babies!
Tuxedo Mask: Away with you! All I care about is getting the silver crystal or something!
Sailor Venus: Poor Darien... what happened to him? It's as if he's lost his soul!
(The Scouts think about that, then stare at Serena)
Sailor Moon: What?
Sailor Mars: Oh, you skank.

Tuxedo Mask: Now stand aside or be destroyed, Sailor Scouts!
Sailor Moon: Oh, Darien, why must we fight?
Tuxedo Mask: Darien? I've never heard that name. My name is Prince Darien!
Sailor Mercury: Wow. Bad localization kills.
Tuxedo Mask: You give me no choice! Prepare to face my new power, enhanced by the darkness of the Negaverse!
(Tuxedo Mask chucks black roses at the Scouts)
Sailor Jupiter: That's it?
Sailor Venus: You'd think going evil would at least make him suck less.
Luna: Girls! What have I told you about gift horses?

And so, with a way into the Negaverse finally discovered, the Scouts were off!
Sailor Moon: Huh? When did we find a way into the Negaverse?
Sailor Mars: Don't you ever pay attention? You're such a ditz.
(Sailor Moon cries)
Sailor Venus: Raye, you have no idea either. That episode didn't get dubbed.
Sailor Mars: Shh, I'm enjoying this.

Queen Beryl was ready for them! She sent out her deadliest line of defense!
Malachite: So get ready, 'cause I -- GAK!
Yeah, it wasn't him. It was five super-powerful youma: the DD Girls!
Sailor Moon: What's the DD for?
DD Girl 1: Doom and Gloom!
DD Girl 2: *snicker* Maybe for some of us.
DD Girl 1: Oh, it's on now!
Sailor Jupiter: Well, their teamwork's about as good as ours.

Sailor Mercury: No matter what, Serena's got to get through and stop Beryl. Each of us will have to defeat one of those DD Girls... whatever it takes.
Sailor Moon: But... but you can't!
Sailor Venus: We knew it might come to this, Serena. We're prepared to make the sacrifice.
Sailor Moon: No, you literally can't! There are five of them!
Sailor Mars: Pssh, I'll take two. They're youmas. How tough can they be?

And so, after the Scouts tackled their opponents, Sailor --
Sailor Moon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! They're DEAD! They're all DEAD!
What? No they're not.
Sailor Moon: Yes they are!
Nonsense! This is a kids' show. The Scouts were just teleported away or something.
Sailor Moon: I'm talking to their ghosts!
Ghosts of the Sailor Scouts: Hi. We're giving Serena posthumous encouragement.
Oh. That's, um... wow. Really? Yikes.

Sailor Moon: Beryl! I'll make you pay for what you've done!
Queen Beryl: How, by crying at me?
Sailor Moon: Not today! This time I fight first and cry later!
Queen Beryl: Ooo, scary. I'd better let Prince Darien handle you.
Tuxedo Mask: Yes, Mistress.
Sailor Moon: He's... he's calling her Mistress? *sniffles* -- No, not yet! Later!

And so Sailor Moon took on the corrupted Tuxedo Mask in final battle!
Tuxedo Mask: For the glory of the Negaverse!
Sailor Moon: BABIES! NOW!
And as they fought, her heartbroken appeals finally overcame Queen Beryl's brainwashing!
Sailor Moon: (bopping him over the head) Remember! Remember! Remember!
Tuxedo Mask: Hmm. It's starting to come back to me... something about... meatballs?
Sailor Moon: I'll take it.
But tragically, Tuxedo Mask regained his senses just in time to take a crystal to the chest from Queen Beryl!
Tuxedo Mask: Serena... do your best! *dies*
Sailor Moon: Nooooo! You've already given me that advice!

Meanwhile, Beryl was near death from Tuxedo Mask's final attack!
Queen Beryl: MAN those roses sting! Where was that competence when he was working for me?
But she had an ace in the hole: the source of her evil power, called either Metaria or the Negaforce!
Metaria: I suppose you want a last-minute powerup.
Queen Beryl: Wouldn't mind. By the way, I've been wondering... are you an actual character or just a disembodied force?
Metaria: After watching you screw up for so long, I'm past caring.

Beryl grew! She grew to an incredible size! So big the government changed her name to Ginormica!
Queen Beryl: All right! Time to re-enact Super Bowl XLII!
Sailor Moon: I'm still undefeated, Beryl! Take this!
Sailor Moon's Tiara: TINK
Queen Beryl: Was that supposed to hurt?
Sailor Moon: Yeah. What, you mean it didn't?
Queen Beryl: It's jewelry.

Back on Earth, the cats could only wait and hope...
Luna: I can sense it -- Serena's going to try doing what her mother did last time! It'll kill you, Serena! Don't do it!
Serena: (still in the Negaverse) Don't do what?
Luna: Don't combine the power of the silver crystal with your moon stick!
Serena: How would I go about not doing that?
Luna: Okay, slide open the back panel on the stick. See that serial port? Don't unplug the cable and jam the crystal into -- wait a minute, how did you hear me?
Serena: You were shouting really loud.

At last the moment of truth came! Serena, now looking exactly like Princess Serenity for some reason, used her last-ditch attack!
Sailor Moon: This is for killing my friends, Beryl!
Ghosts of the Sailor Scouts: Yeah!
Sailor Moon: You guys are really confusing me.
Powered by their unity and friendship, the Spirit Bomb was formed!
Come on! We're talking weapons-grade unity and friendship here!
That's more like it.

And so the battle was won, but at a high price! Sailor Moon lay dying alongside her foe!
Sailor Moon: I just wish... I just wish we could start over...
Deus Ex Machina: You called?
Indeed! Miraculously, the universe granted Serena's wish!
Queen Beryl: I don't suppose I get one of those too?
Deus Ex Machina: You used yours to go super-sized, remember? I hope you had fun.

A new day dawned! Serena awoke!
Serena: Yikes, I'm gonna be late for school! If only this hairdo took less than three hours to rig up...
That's right, she and her friends were all back to normal, with no memory of their adventures!
Serena: What adventures?
Exactly! And so, with her battles over, we bid Sailor Moon adieu!


For ten minutes!
Serena: Huh?
That's right! This was just the first series! There are more to come!
Serena: Then why bother with this whole bittersweet no-memory ending?
I forget. Get it? Ha ha ha!
Serena: *sigh* Can I at least have the weekend off?
Oh, if you must...

Now then! Her legend continued when new villains appeared!
Villains: Hi, we're new.
Luna: Then why do you keep mentioning the Negaverse?
Villains: Beryl didn't own the place.
With the new villains wreaking havoc, Luna had no choice but to reawaken Sailor Moon!
Luna: I'm sorry, Serena, but it's time for the Luna Mind Meld! Seriously!
Serena: Uh uh. I'm calling BS on that one.
Luna: I swear to God that's what they called it. Check the script if you want.
Serena: You know I can't read Japanese.

The other Scouts were reawakened in their turn! But they weren't the only ones with jumbled memories...
Moonlit Knight: Tuxedo Mask? Never heard of him. I am the Moonlight Knight!
Sailor Mars: I think Darien must have been hit on the head.
Luna: Yes, that might explain --
Sailor Mars: Like, a lot of times. When he was a baby.

They got that sorted out, but then a new chapter in the Scouts' lives began with the arrival of a mysterious visitor!
Little Girl: It is -- oof! *trips over Luna*
Luna: I'm getting sick of that.
Serena: Well hi there, little girl. Are you lost? Can we help you find your mommy?
Little Girl: You're my mommy!
Serena: Trash talk is confusing these days.

But it was true! The girl, whose name was Rini and/or Chibiusa, was Serena and Darien's daughter from the future!
Serena: Oh, wow! She's proof that our destined love will come to pass! Isn't it romantic, Darien?
Darien: *muttering in the corner* Trapped forever. Trapped forever. Trapped forever.
Serena: And now we can protect the world together as a family!
Darien: But is this world worth protecting? A world where a guy my age can never date again? A world where kids come before the fun part?
Serena: Stay on this topic and you can forget the fun part entirely.

Rini could even transform! As Sailor Mini Moon, she mildly annoyed the forces of evil! She also had a sword!
Sailor Mercury: I don't see any sword.
Sailor Mini Moon: I keep it back home in one of my future trunks.
But she could never forget her vital mission in the past!
Sailor Mini Moon: That's right! Mommy sent me here to have fun and make friends!
Sailor Mars: We're babysitting?
Sailor Moon: What kind of thoughtless person would farm her work out to her own past self? ...Oh.

Next, the Outer Scouts appeared! Yes, it turned out there were Sailor Scouts for the outer planets too!
Sailor Pluto: I'm mysterious.
Sailor Uranus: I'm butch.
Sailor Neptune: I'm femme.
Sailor Jupiter: Shouldn't I be in on this?
Sailor Saturn: I can blow up planets, which is probably why I only appear for about thirty seconds.
Serena: (Hey Luna, don't Uranus and Neptune seem awfully affectionate?)
Luna: (Why not? They're cousins.)
Sailors Uranus and Neptune: *make out*
Serena: (Cousins?)
Luna: (They're close.)

Eventually, Rini remembered what she had really come back in time for!
Rini: Oh yeah! I'm supposed to bring you to the future so you can save Mommy and Daddy. Slipped my mind for a minute there.
Serena: A minute? You've been here for six months!
Rini: Well, it's the future. It's not going anywhere.

And so, crossing the barriers of time itself, Sailor Moon saved the world once again!
Villains: Alas, we are foiled!
In the process, Serena and Darien got to meet their future selves!
Serena: You're really a thousand years old? Wow! I hope I age that well!
Neo-Queen Serenity: (Was I really this stupid?)
Luna: (Stupider.)
Darien: Trapped forever... trapped forever...
King Endymion: *solemn nod* I know. Take it like a man.

Do you think it ended here? FOOL! The legend of Sailor Moon was only beginning!
Sailor Moon: Sigh...
She had many battles still to come! Battles full of emotion and power and attacks with ridiculous names!
Sailor Moon: But everybody knows I'll win because I'm queen in the future, so why don't we just stop here?
More drama! More suspense! More excitement! Forever and --
Sailor Moon: I wanna go hooooome!
Oh, very well. Thus ends the saga of Sailor Moon!
Sailor Moon: Whew.
Now then! Let me tell you of MY legend! It begins in the --
Sailor Moon: *bursts into tears*


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This fiver was originally published on December 12, 2009 (April Fool's Day).

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, I know the dub version tried to pass off the ghosts of the Scouts as Serena's memories. It didn't work. Kids are innocent -- not stupid.

All material © 2009, Colin Hayman.