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Five-Minute "Ceremonies of Light and Dark"

by Nan and Sa'ar Chasm

Garibaldi: My arm got broken in last episode's melee. To summarize, Nightwatch sucks.
Ivanova: Plus, those armbands? So tacky.
Sheridan: Now all we have to do is find the ones that have gone underground.
Ivanova: The ones that hate us fanatically and intend us great amounts of harm? Yeah, Garibaldi, you may want to get on that.

Lennier: Fleet Captain Lenann would like a tour of the station, seeing as how he risked his ships last episode.
Delenn: Sure. After all, what could possibly go wrong?
Lennier: Did you feel that chill wind?
Delenn: No, I was looking at that tall guy in black.
Lennier: The one with the scythe?
Delenn: That's him.

Sheridan: Hello, my subjects.
Guy: You look like a dork dressed like that.
Sheridan: I'm not wearing my uniform until this situation is resolved. It's a matter of honour.
Guy: Yes, but you look stupid in drawstring pants. And the Budweiser shirt? C'mon.

Sniper Guy: Must... kill!
Boggs: No, you idiot! You'll martyr him.
Sniper Guy: But his Budweiser shirt offends my taste!
Boggs: Why did I ever pick you as my Trusted Lieutenant?
Sniper Guy: The last one was arrested.
Boggs: Oh. Right.

Sheridan: Today we mourn our comrades, recently fallen protecting this station from agressors. Of all the souls I've known, theirs were the most human.
Ivanova: Dude, they were all human.

Londo: You will cut off all contact with the Shadows and stop being such a git.
Refa: Is this episode even about you?
Londo: It's called arc. You never know what minor plot point is going to come back and bite you in the arse... like the poison I just put in your drink.
Refa: Bugger.

Garibaldi: The Nightwatch may have all sorts of hidden spyware on our computer system.
Ivanova: What do we do about it?
Garibaldi: Switch from Windows to Linux.

Delenn: We need a rebirth ceremony.
Sheridan: You're making these ceremonies up as you go.
Delenn: Just for that I'm delaying that mutual pleasure one for many, many weeks.

Boggs: Damn that Sheridan!
Sniper Guy: Damn those Minbari!
Boggs: Hey... are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Sniper Guy: I think so, Boggs, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
Boggs: No! We take Delenn hostage and demand Sheridan sends away the Minbari. Then we retake the station! Elegant in its simplicity, no?
Sniper Guy: I was hoping for the rubber pants.

Garibaldi: Restarting...now.
Sparky: Muahahaha! I'll keep you forever on edge!
Garibaldi: Great. Just great.
Ivanova: What is it?
Garibaldi: Majel Barrett on steroids.

Delenn: Are you sure you don't want to be reborn?
Londo: No, I couldn't possibly. Not nearly enough drunken debauchery for my tastes.

Delenn: Are you sure you don't want to be reborn?
G'Kar: I don't need to be reborn. I did it right the first time.

Delenn: Are you sure you don't want to be reborn?
Marcus: I'd rather not. I've been naked and covered in goo enough times in my life.
Delenn: I underst--what?
Marcus: My roomate during Ranger training was fond of practical jokes.

Marcus: I don't have anything left to give up. Except these feelings of guilt for living.
Delenn: Which is exactly what you have to give up.
Marcus: Oh, I will. Certainly. Right after, I, er, go tell the guard we're expecting Lenann. Yes, that's it. (runs away).
Delenn: This time, get one who understands the meaning of "Stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room."

Delenn: Captain Lenann, welcome aboard.
Lenann: Thank you, Ambassador, I --
Nightwatch Guy: Freeze! Hands up! No, not like that.
Delenn: I'm sorry, I've never been kidnapped before.
Nightwatch Guy: Talk to Captain Archer. He's an old hand at it. I'm sure he'll have a few pointers.

Ivanova: Delenn and Lenann have just been kidnapped. Can you use the computer to--
Garibaldi: No, I can't.
Ivanova: What?
Garibaldi: I can look at pictures on the Net, and I can play Tux Racer. Until I find plugins for all the other applications that were made for Windows, that's all I can do.

Marcus: I can't help feeling like it's all my fault.
Sheridan: Don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault that your brother joined the Rangers, got himself killed and then left you with a burden of guilt.
Marcus: No, I meant about Delenn and Lenann getting kidnapped.
Sheridan: Oh, right. Yeah, that is your fault.

Boggs: (via Babcom) We have Delenn, Lenann, and a nameless extra. Either you send away the Minbari ships and surrender the station to President Clark, or we'll kill one of the hostages.
Sheridan: The cute brunette?
Boggs: The nameless extra.
Sheridan: Oh. Then no.
Delenn: (via Babcom) Your concern for my people is touching, John.

Marcus: Delenn is a symbol of my deep-seated guilt. I must valiantly save her. Sir Marcus leaps into battle to save the Lady Guinevere!
Sheridan: The Arthurian episode is weeks from now.
Marcus: Meh. Details.

Marcus: Hello, gents. I'm looking for a brunette about yea tall, accompanied by a cadre of fanatics?
Guy: Hey, we had an agreement. You do your shady dealings and we do ours, and never the twain shall meet.
Marcus: Yes, well, I have a Galahad complex.
Guy: You do realize you're outnumbered at least six to one?
Marcus: No, I outnumber you one to six.

Sniper Guy: Look at my creepy eyes!
Delenn: You've got nothing on Gowron. I pity you.
Sniper Guy: Not the response I was going for. DIE!
Lenann: Nobody threatens my caste leader. DIE!
Boggs: You're a regular Delenn of Troy.
Delenn: With the thousand ships to match.

Lennier: I hope you had a plan besides beating them all senseless.
Marcus: Yes. Wait for them to wake up so I can beat them senseless again.
Lennier: I don't know what Delenn sees in your species.

Lennier: Everyone must reveal a secret for this ceremony. My secret is: I love Delenn.
Marcus: You'll have to get in line. (CRASH!) What was that?
Lennier: The wreck of the good 'ship D/L.
Marcus: Oh stop slashing yourself and help me with the interrogation.

Ivanova: They're in Grey 14-A! Now, to plan a rescue.
Sheridan: To outwit a Minbari, you have to think like a Minbari.
Ivanova: But they're not Min--
Sheridan: Shh! I've got it! We'll surrender.

Mole Guy: Yeah, uh, the Minbari are, er, leaving. Yes, that's it.
Boggs: Yes! Who's the man? I'm the man, I--what's that sound?
Sniper Guy: The "Flee In Terror, the Reactor Is About To Explode" alarm.
Delenn: Sounds like the neighing of a giant wooden horse to me.

Sheridan: Hi there. Ahem. DIE!
Boggs: Crap. GAK!
Sniper Guy: Eat steely death, Sheridan!
Delenn: Over my mangled body! (leaps)
Sniper Guy: Funny you should mention that. (flings knife)
Delenn: Note to self: no more heroics.

Sheridan: Tempted as I am to kill you and drag your corpse thrice around the station, I think I'll just beat you senseless. Besides, that was Achilles.
Sniper Guy: I suppose I'm not in much of a position to arg--GAK!
Sheridan: Damn right you aren't.

Lennier: Delenn is going to be fine. Although, she did say that all these emergency trips to MedLab have garnered her some kind of Frequent Flyer Points. But I suppose that's neither here nor there.
Ivanova: And I think Garibaldi's almost got his computer problems worked out.
Garibaldi: (distantly) Son of a...! (PPG blast)

Sheridan: My secret is: I'm in love with you.
Ivanova: My secret is: I think I loved Talia.
Garibaldi: My secret is: I'm afraid of what I might do if I ever let go.
Franklin: My secret is: I think I'm addicted to stims.
Delenn: (dreamily) That's nice...
Sheridan: That's a morphine drip isn't it?
Delenn: It certainly is...

Corwin: Why do you guys get cool new uniforms?
Sheridan: They symbolize our rebirth into new possibilities.
Ivanova: And Delenn's refusal to be seen with him unless he got rid of that Budweiser shirt.
Sheridan: That was the morphine talking.
Ivanova: Sure it was, John. Sure it was.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2003, Nan the Mysterious Romulan and Steven Maguire.