Five-Minute "Chrysalis"
by Zeke

Sinclair: (Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?)
Ivanova: (The usual. G'Kar and Londo are having a huge fight about the Narn occupation of Quadrant 37.)
G'Kar: It's people like you who stand in the way of progress and efficiency! Honestly! How can you spell "color" with a U?
Londo: You have no respect for centuries of tradition, and you will pay for your dishonoUr!
G'Kar: Oh, you didn't! You didn't!
Ivanova: (They've wandered a little.)

Garibaldi: Petrov! What happened to you?
Petrov: They're... they're gonna kill...
(long pause)
Garibaldi: Well?
Petrov: I can't get the name out before I die, it's just not done. Ah, here we go. GAK!

Franklin: We couldn't revive him. Who was this guy?
Garibaldi: One of my informants from Down Below. I guess from now on he'll have to inform me on Six Feet Below instead.
Franklin: Actually, we've already vaporized him to feed to the Pak'Mara.
Garibaldi: Oh. Then I'll take him off the payroll. I don't need to know what goes on in there.

Sinclair: So, uh, Catherine... how shall I put this... will you be my eternally-bonded love monkey?
Catherine: Of course! Just promise you won't run off on me the first time something big happens.
Sinclair: On you? Never.

Vir: We just got word from the government, Londo. They're giving Quadrant 37 to the Narn.
Londo: Spineless appeasers! Why don't they give away the entire Centauri homeworld while they're at it?
Morden: (over the comm) One thing at a time, Ambassador.
Londo: You again! What do you want?
Morden: Hey, that's my line.

Delenn: Well? What did Kosh say?
Lennier: Just one word --
Delenn: Aha! I knew even he could handle a simple yes-or-no question.
Lennier: The word was "ululatory."
Delenn: Oh. Well, that's closer to "yes" alphabetically.

Lurker 1: I'll tell you nothing, pig.
Lurker 2: I'll tell you nothing, pig.
Lurker 3: I'll tell you nothing, pig. That said, Petrov was recently hired for ship-loading work by someone named Deveraux, and he found out something. Something he wasn't supposed to find out.
Garibaldi: Aha! Now I just need to figure out who the killer might be!
Lurker 3: See, guys? I told you it was safe to tell him stuff.

Morden: Here's the deal: I'll solve your Quadrant 37 problem for free, and I'll let you take all the credit.
Londo: Doesn't a "deal" normally involve both parties doing something?
Morden: Good idea! While you're waiting, you can go do something at both of the New Year's parties.
Londo: This is too good to be true!
Morden: Not really. I hear the DJ at one of the parties is always doing that jerk-the-record-around thing.

Delenn: Ambassador, I'm terribly worried about what I'm about to undertake. Can you give me a sign?
Kosh: (hands over a "No Pets Allowed" sign)
Delenn: I meant something like opening your encounter suit.
Kosh: (hands over an "Indecent Exposure Will Be Prosecuted" sign)

Garibaldi: You're all under arrest. Especially you, Deveraux.
Deveraux: Whaaaat? Is there some law against playing poker with a couple of friends?
Garibaldi: After that time-loop incident, we're not taking any chances.

Londo: Vir! Call the homeworld and tell them I will handle the Quadrant 37 problem.
Vir: Sure. (types)
Londo: "To Centauri Prime... Londo... has gone completely..." -- HEY!
Vir: It's rude to read over someone's shoulder.

Sinclair: Hello, Ambassador. I guess this is a bad time....
G'Kar: Nonsense! Those three women were merely my, er, accountants. You didn't interruptus at all.
Sinclair: Right. I just wanted to talk to you about these constant incursions on Centauri territory. Don't you think it's time to give them some space -- to ease the tension a bit?
G'Kar: Yes, that was what I thought, and then you showed up.
Sinclair: Please just think about it. The last thing Babylon 5 needs is a Centauri War.
G'Kar: I'm sure the Great Maker feels the same way.

Sinclair: ...and so we'd be honoured if you two would be our best man and maid of honour.
Ivanova: I don't know... how's Garibaldi going to find a dress in time?
Garibaldi: I'd retort, but I'm still trying to figure out why one of Jeff's friends is Catherine's maid of honour.
Catherine: Oh, I do have friends. They're just... um... sleeping.
Security Guy: (over the comm) Chief! Deveraux's cell is empty! I must have been sleeping or something!
Sinclair: Friend of yours, Cathy?

Narn Officer 1: I'm bored.
Narn Officer 2: Shh! You know what they say about Ragesh 3!
Narn Officer 1: Aw, come on. How could I bring on a disaster just by expressing ennui?
Narn Officer 2: Why don't you ask that huge fleet of evil spidery ships out the window?
Narn Officer 1: Good idea! Hey ships... oh shoot, now I can't! I'm not bored anymore.

Jack: Hey, Chief. What's up?
Garibaldi: Just inspecting these crates Deveraux loaded up. Hmm... aren't these static transmitters?
Jack: You think so? They look like harmless something elses to me.
Garibaldi: And these coordinates -- oh no! I've gotta tell the captain! Jack, stay here and make damn sure this ship doesn't leave!
Jack: You got it. Hey, just out of curiosity, how far would you say your earshot is?

ISN Reporter: And in other news, Vice President Morgan "Evil" Clark has disembarked from Earthforce One. Mr. Clark explained that he "would prefer not to die," presumably referring to some illness in need of treatment.
Corwin: Sometimes I wonder why we elected an evil vice president.
Ivanova: Who better to be in charge of vice?

Garibaldi: Jeff, we've got a problem! Meet me in --
Sinclair: (over the comm) Pardon? I can't hear you over the noise of that ship taking off.
Garibaldi: Uh oh.

Deveraux: Goin' somewhere, yer Chiefness?
Garibaldi: Hands where I can see them! I've found out your plan. Now you're going to tell me who's behind --
Jack's PPG: BLAM
Garibaldi: GAK!
Deveraux: Well, Jack, but you were close.

Sinclair: Where is he? If this is so important....
Delenn: Hello, Commander. Come by my quarters and I'll tell you what happened to you at the Battle of the Line.
Sinclair: What? After two years of coyly dancing around the subject, you're just going to tell me?
Delenn: Yes. Because the chance will be gone in an hour or so, and you seem to be busy.
Sinclair: ...Ah.

Garibaldi: Must... reach... elevator....
Elevator: Here, I'll hold the door for you. JUST KIDDING!
Garibaldi: Must... kill... elevator....

Na'Toth: Ambassador, we just got word -- our base in Quadrant 37 has been utterly destroyed! No survivors!
G'Kar: Someone killed ALL the 37s? How can we be sure they weren't just abducted?
Na'Toth: Their corpses are floating around. And all of their uniforms have had the letter S carved in them.
G'Kar: But... but none of the five races start with S! My God! This is huge!

Partygoers: 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!
DJ: (screech screech)
Woman: Okay, screw this. I'm leav-- (sees Garibaldi) AAAAAA!
Scottish Guy: What is it, lassie? Did little Timmy fall down the elevator shaft?

Lennier: Delenn, are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Delenn: I have no choice, my doomed aide. I must build the chrysalis.
Lennier: I know. I think you're building it upside down.

Garibaldi: Unggh... Jeff, they're gonna kill the President! At Io! With a magic bullet!
Sinclair: Oh no! What can we --
Franklin: All right, everybody back off! We need to treat him, and he's broken enough rules of drama now as it is!

Ivanova: We can't reach anyone at Io! All the frequencies are being jammed!
Sinclair: Noooo! There's got to be some way to....
Earthforce One: BOOOOOOOOOOM
Everyone: (horrified silence)
Corwin: -- Oh, hey, we're not jammed anymore. Want me to contact them now?

Sinclair: Franklin says Garibaldi's condition is critical. Apparently most men with a "GAK"-level injury would be dead already. I want you to find this Deveraux and put a guard on the chief.
Jack: You can count on me, sir.
Sinclair: I make it a policy never to question the word of someone who wears that uniform. Don't make me change that policy.

G'Kar: What a terrible day for both our races....
Ivanova: No kidding. I had 400 credits on Black Whirlwind and he didn't even place.
G'Kar: I don't mean horse races.
Ivanova: Really? I didn't know Narns were into NASCAR.

Londo: You lunatic! Don't you consider your solution a bit excessive?
Morden: Is this any way to thank me for killing ten thousand people for free?
Londo: You shouldn't have!
Morden: That's better.

Senator: The president's death was an accident. That's our story and we're sticking to it.
Sinclair: But Garibaldi found --
Senator: Then he's nuts.
Sinclair: And if we find proof?
Senator: Then your proof's nuts.

Jack: Too bad I had to shoot Deveraux and his friends in self-defense. But at least they're not at large now. Because of self-defense.
Guard: Hey, that's funny. His PPG isn't warm.
Jack: It's nuts.

Kosh: It begins, yo.
Sinclair: So what were the last two years? Filler?
Kosh: You have FUBARed something.
Sinclair: What are you -- oh crap! Delenn! (runs off)
Kosh: (holds up a "Dip" sign)

Sinclair: Am I too late, big Delenn-shaped crystal? Say I'm not too late....
Lennier: Sir, where do you think a big Delenn-shaped crystal came from?
Sinclair: Oh my God! This is the work of Mr. Freeze!
Lennier: There really is a hole in your mind.

G'Kar: Na'Toth: If you miss the ship I'm on, you will know that I am gone. I have gone in search of the mysterious S-men. Look for my return on the -- (BEEP)
Na'Toth: Like I care. Time for some accounting lessons!

Ivanova: Here to watch the operation?
Londo: (nod) Poor Mr. Garibaldi. Shot in the back... what a way to go.
Ivanova: He's not actually dead yet.
Londo: Really? How hypocritical! Whenever I tell you humans about the operations Centauri conduct on live patients, you act like we're some kind of barbarians.
Ivanova: You mean your anaestheticless vivisections?
Londo: And our sextuple castrations. There's a real art to them.

Morden: I think Londo will work out perfectly for us. We'll have that conscience out of him in no time.
Morden: No, I want this one. You guys ate the last conscience.

Sinclair: It's all gone to hell, Catherine. Garibaldi, the president, Delenn... who's next?
Catherine: Don't worry. It'll probably be you.
Sinclair: You're not helping.
Catherine: Well, I thought you'd be glad it wasn't me.

Lennier: And now, to watch... and wait.
(long pause)
Lennier: And to try to go the whole time without selling her to a fence.


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This fiver was originally published on July 13, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2005, Zeke.