Five-Minute "33"
by Zeke

Adama: When you're under pressure, sleep is often the first thing you cut back on. But what are the potential costs to your health? Tonight we investigate. I'm William Adama.
Roslin: I'm Laura Roslin.
Starbuck: I'm Kara Thra...zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Baltar: I'm... uh, I'm Gaius... something...
Boomer: And I'm the new female Boomer. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 33 Minutes.

Cylon Ships: ...32...33. Ready or not, here we come!
Galactica: *jumps away* This is so unfair. We never get to be It!

Six: Your fleet can't keep this up forever.
Baltar: I know. Funny how we always wait for the Cylons to show up... I wonder if we'd be harder to track if we jumped repeatedly.
Six: Well, are you going to suggest that?
Baltar: Eh, they've probably tried it offscreen. Sex now.

Apollo: Okay, I know we're all beat after 137 of these jumps. Really beat. Wiped out. Walking corpses. But we've gotta... uh... something.
Racetrack: It's been 237, sir.
Apollo: It HAS? Oh God. Wake me up when I'm dead.

Adama: I've got a new plan we can try. Next jump, we split into six smaller fleets and jump to different places.
Tigh: Could work, but how do we get back together?
Adama: Get back what now?
Tigh: Let's put that idea on hold till you get some sleep. And stop trying to shave, I doubt the blood loss is helping.

Crashdown: You hear the rumour? They say the Cylons look like us now.
Boomer: Us personally? That's crazy and you're an idiot for being such a crazy idiot.
Crashdown: I was just --
Boomer: You were just foreshadowing, and it pisses me off!
Tyrol: C'mon, Sharon, lay off the new guy. Besides, it's not foreshadowing, it's dramatic irony.

Billy: I have an update to the survivor count. It should be 500 less.
Roslin: Oh no! Did we lose a ship?
Billy: No, I just misread a 3 as an 8 last time. I'm running on fumes here.

Socinus: You want a friend or a family member looked up?
Dualla: Actually, I was sent to find out why you're doing this now. Can't it wait till the Cylons stop attacking us every half hour?
Socinus: People need emotional closure! We can't just put that off!
Dualla: Well, in that case, I have a family photo...
Socinus: Thanks. We'll get back to you in three months.

Karl C. Agathon, Call Sign: Helo, 6th Day on Cylon-Occupied Caprica: Over here!
Centurions: Huh. What's with that speaker credi-- *BOOM*
Helo: Get used to it.

Billy: There's a Dr. Amorak who wants to speak with you, Madam President. Something about the Cylon attack.
Six: That could be a problem. I think he suspected something on Caprica.
Baltar: Unfair! I didn't know I was working for the Cylons, but he gets to?
Roslin: Poor Dr. Baltar, talking into empty air. The sleep deprivation is really getting to him.
Billy: Um, Madam President, I'm over here.

Adama: I've been thinking, Saul. If no one else, you and I surely aren't both needed for every jump. Maybe we'd all be better served if the two of us took turns sleeping normally.
Tigh: You're talking crazy, Bill. Time for your ten-minute microsleep.
Dualla: Sir, wait! I've been trying to give you these forms to sign.
Adama: I saw them. They're just blank sheets of paper.
Dualla: And they can't go forward without your authorization!

Apollo: Pilots, listen up: we've been ordered to start taking stims.
Starbuck: No way, man! I don't want your brain candy! Look, I'm fine with smoking. I like my daily six-pack. And sure, I'll have unprotected sex with any carbon-based lifeform that looks my way. But I draw the line at drugs!
Apollo: Okay. Everyone else can take the stims, and you can have this ice cream cone.
Starbuck: Yay! Mmmmm, lumpy.

Fleet: JUMP
Tigh: Damn Cylon punctuality. We'll never reach home base at this rate.
Dualla: Oh no! The Olympic Carrier didn't make that last jump!
Tigh: WHAT? Whose sorry ass is responsible for that? I don't care how tired we all are, when I find... zzzzzzzzz... huh. Was I saying something?
Dualla: *jerks awake* Right away, sir!

Roslin: My God... how many people were on that ship?
Billy: Thirteen hundred. Oo, lucky! Including that Dr. Amorak.
Baltar: What a relief!
Roslin and Billy: *stare*
Baltar: ...Er, that we didn't lose even more people.
Roslin: Ah. I was worried for a moment there, but then you finished your sentence in a way that wasn't suspicious.
Baltar: Get used to it. I intend to ram that one into the ground.

Gaeta: Three... two... seven... zero. Huh. Doesn't something usually happen at this point?
Tigh: Dammit, Dualla! Did you set the clock for thirty-two minutes again?
Dualla: No, sir, I'm sure of it! We must have lost the Cylons!
Gaeta: Finally! All decks: OLLY OLLY OXEN --
Adama: Hey! Not yet. I'll tell you when.

Roslin: (over the ridiculous clunky telephone) Yes?
Adama: Madam President, you've probably noticed the Cylons are an hour late. I thought I'd check with you before letting most of the pilots take a break. Then I remembered that you agreed not to interfere with military decisions.
Roslin: So why did you call me?
Adama: To rub your nose in it.

Apollo: Okay, everybody get some sleep! Except Starbuck and Boomer, you're with me.
Starbuck: Aw, why us? Don't tell me it's because...
Apollo: That's right -- this patrol is 100 percent major cast. Now let's --
(Multiple CRASHES)
Boomer: You probably should have told them to return to Galactica first.

Six: It was God who got rid of that ship, Gaius. You're welcome.
Baltar: Can you lay off the God thing? Even if I believed in him, I'd be uncomfortable with how his intervention on my behalf kept getting large groups of people killed.
Six: No you wouldn't, you're an egotist.
Baltar: Whatever, babe. You are a false prophet and God is a superstition.
Six: Oooh... there'll be blood now.

Tigh: About time one of us got some rest. You sure you don't want to go first?
Adama: Hmm... I could use a shave.
Gaeta: Hold that thought! DRADIS contact!
Tigh: Just as well. No one wanted to say it, but you "shaved" the bottom of your face off last time.

Gaeta: It's the Olympic Carrier! They made it!
Olympic Carrier Captain: Glad you're still here. Our jump drive stalled and we had to get out and push.
Dualla: Well, their story checks out.
Olympic Carrier Captain: By the way, remind the president about Dr. Amorak. He says he has information too important to wait, but not quite important enough to just say.

Roslin: It's a miracle! All those people are still alive and I can talk to why is Dr. Baltar vibrating like an electric toothbrush?
Baltar: *leaping up* STOP! STOP THAT SHIP!
Roslin: Why?
Baltar: I'll think of a reason after you STOP it!
Roslin: That's ridicu--
Adama: (over the phone) Now hold on, Madam President. I want to see what he comes up with.

Apollo: Hmm... okay, we've just been told to break contact and warn them to back off with whatever our version of Morse code is.
Starbuck: I'm on it! *flashes signal lights*
Apollo: They're not stopping. What did you say?
Starbuck: "Greetings, little worms. I have come to discuss the details of your surrender!" I probably should have put more thought into it.

Baltar: When we lost that ship, the Cylons stopped following us! They must be tracking it somehow!
Adama: That's a pretty good point. Told you.
Roslin: Oh, fine. But I'm not going to destroy it on such slim evi--
Gaeta: Cylons! The Cylon basestars just showed up!
Adama: How about now?

Six: So, how's the atheism working out for you?
Baltar: All right, all right! I believe in God! Now get out of my way!
Six: What are you looking for?
Baltar: A foxhole!

Dualla: We're detecting nukes on the Carrier. Actually, we might just be detecting the Carrier. It looks kinda like a nuke.
Adama: Madam President, I will honour your decision on this. If you say not to blow up the ship, I won't.
Roslin: Good.
Adama: If you say this incredibly dangerous Cylon magnet should stay in the fleet, it will.
Roslin: Um...
Adama: If you say you want to go down in history as the president who got us all blown --
Roslin: Oh, fine! Just make chicken noises next time, it's faster.

Boomer: New orders... oh no. We're supposed to destroy the Carrier.
Starbuck: No way! There are civilians on that ship!
Crashdown: I don't think so, guys. I don't see anyone in the windows in this draft of the script.
Starbuck: Civilians, Lee! Innocent children! Baby bunnies!
Apollo: This is hard enough without you making stuff up.

Olympic Carrier: BOOOM
Apollo: My God... how will we ever live with ourselves?
Boomer: The rest of us are good, actually.

Six: Hello. I'm going to make out with y-- GAK!
Helo: Boomer? What are you doing here?
Sharon: What's it look like? Stepping on your action. It's okay, she has a habit of destroying things in the afterglow.
Helo: I am so confused.
Sharon: You can get used to it while we run.

Commander's Log: The Cylons haven't been back, so that must have done the trick. Now I'm going to go bounce a ball.
Dualla: Why did Boxey just make a log entry?
Gaeta: The commander says some Moore guy won't let him at the recorder.

Adama: Don't blame yourself, son. Personally, I'm going to blame Roslin.
Apollo: But none of this makes sense. What did the Cylons do to the ship? What went wrong on that last jump? Where did the nukes come from?
Adama: We're sure to find out eventually. Things don't just happen for no good reason.
Apollo: Well, they'd better not. I don't know how much of that I could stand without becoming a huge douchebag.

Roslin: What a miserable ordeal. Personally, I blame Adama.
Billy: On the plus side, you can add one to the count.
Roslin: Really? They've figured out how to reproduce? Party hats for all!
Billy: You should get some sleep, Madam President.
Roslin: *blows noisemaker*
(The fleet moves on at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 20, 2009.

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