Five-Minute "Rise of the Cybermen"
Kendrick: I'm afraid you're dying, Mr. Lumic. But I've figured out a way you can live forever.
Lumic: Great. How?
Kendrick: You'll be an unfeeling robot that thinks nothing of destroying human life.
Lumic: Sweet. Immortality and a hobby.
Rose: And then the prime minister said to the Sycorax --
Doctor and Rose: -- "That Mickey Smith is such a dork!"
Doctor: Oh, you had to be there.
Mickey: I was! I was standing right there with you on the ship!
Doctor: Huh. I was wondering why that block of wood kept following us around.
TARDIS Console: KABOOM!
Doctor: Uh oh, we're screwed.
Rose: Why do you say that?
Doctor: Actually, I'm just reading the TARDIS display panel.
Rose: Hey, we came right back to present-day London, just like always.
Mickey: So everything's perfectly normal.
Rose: Okay, maybe not perfectly normal.
Rose: Hey, my dad's alive!
Doctor: Must be a parallel Earth.
Rose: Looks like he's selling worthless crap.
Doctor: Plus ça change...
Pete: Hey boss. Jackie says thanks for the earPod. How did we get everyone in the U.K. to wear those things, anyway?
Lumic: We promised to never, ever mention Chris Evans's divorce.
Pete: Good plan. Hey, his ex-wife was pretty hot, come to think of it.
Lumic: Okay, now you're just being creepy.
Mickey: So we're out of luck, huh? Trapped here forever?
Doctor: Unless I can find this week's deus ex machina. Ah! Here it is!
Mickey: A lump of kryptonite? What good will that do?
Doctor: Don't be silly. Kryptonite only exists to provide artificial crises. This is gallifrenium. It provides artificial crisis resolution.
Mickey: My mistake.
Crane: Hello, gullible poor people. Who wants a fun little kidnapping?
Homeless Man: We-ell...
Crane: We've got pie!
Homeless Man: Pie! Why didn't you say so!
Rose: Waaaa! I wanna go see my dad!
Mickey: Waaaa! I wanna go see my gran!
Doctor: This is a parallel Earth, you morons. Your dad and your gran are both fake!
Rose: Sort of like the drama in this scene, then.
Rose: Thanks for chasing after me.
Doctor: (sigh) It's what I do.
Rose: I feel bad, though. You never give Mickey a chance.
Mickey's Gran: Oh, Ricky, I've been so worried about you, driving around with your friends in that van.
Mickey: My name is Adam. I mean, Mickey. And -- what van?
Mickey's Gran: The one you're being dragged into even as we speak.
Mickey: Oh, that van.
Mickey: Who are you people?
Jake: Ha ha ha. Ricky, you're such a kidder. Hey, guess what? You just made London's #1 Most Wanted!
Mickey: Well, I am pretty fine, as you may have noticed --
Jake: -- By the police, pal.
Doctor: Says here the President of Great Britain is meeting with Lumic aboard his zeppelin.
Rose: Wait -- so this universe diverged from ours so much that the U.K. has a president and there are zeppelins everywhere and I was never born, and yet everything else is exactly identical? Explain that, Doctor!
Doctor: Um -- er -- um -- hippo!
Rose: What was that, a Coupling reference? That has to be a first.
Doctor: Desperation is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Rose: Hey, are you insinuating something about why I was dating Mickey?
Doctor: Whoa, that's enough topic whiplash, we're behind schedule. Let's go get you endangered by monsters!
Lumic: I think the government should let Cybus Industries turn everyone into emotionless androids.
President: Will they get to have sex with toasters?
Lumic: What? No!
President: Then, no.
Crane: The word, sir?
Lumic: The word is no. I am therefore creating a race of monsters that will take over the world anyway.
Ricky: So your story is, you're me from a parallel Earth?
Mickey: Er, yeah.
Ricky: We're different people with different names and personalities, yet we look exactly alike down to the haircut? How can that be?
Mickey: Well --
Ricky: Shouldn't I at least have an eye patch or something?
Mickey: See, in my universe, we just believe this stuff no matter how ludicrous it is.
Ricky: Pretty lame universe.
Mickey: Yeah, actually. Got any openings for a Mickey over here?
Ricky: Not at the moment.
Mickey: Why are we going to this party again?
Ricky: Our source inside Cybus says Lumic is creating some kind of army and it's moving out now.
Mickey: So we're going to a party?
Ricky: You got any better ideas for cliffhangering the whole cast? I didn't think so!
Rose: I know I wanted us to sneak into this party, but why did we have to be the help?
Doctor: You hear useful things this way.
Party guest #1: Hey, I'm providing this episode's random, content-free Torchwood reference.
Party guest #2: Nice. Now Torchwood has been pointlessly referenced in two universes!
Doctor: Okay, so maybe "useful" is a little strong.
Pete: Hello everyone! Isn't it great I'm rich in this universe? And also, not dead.
Pete: Right. Anyway, welcome to the 39th birthday party --
Party guests: (snicker)
Pete: -- Now, now -- of my lovely wife Jackie, who's not at all an ice queen in this universe, though I am selling frostbite insurance for anyone planning on shaking hands with her later. And here she is!
Jackie: Thank you for coming. I'd just like you to know I'm having you all flogged.
Party guests: (gasp)
Jackie: Did I say "flogged"? I mean, "thrown out."
Doctor: Cybermen! Oh no!
Cybermen: (crashing through the wall) Oh yeah!
Cybermen: You will be upgraded to Human 2.0. The upgrade is mandatory. And it will take at least 45 minutes to download, not counting the security patches to fix all the mistakes in the software.
President: We get it. You're a metaphor for Microsoft.
Cybermen: Surely the episode is written too subtly for it to be that obvious!
President: Yeah, right. -- GAK!
Cybermen: Your president has unexpectedly died. Would you like to send an error report?
Doctor: Can I just run away instead?
Mickey: Doctor! This way!
Ricky: Who's this clown?
Rose: That's right.
Mickey: Can we officially retire that joke?
Doctor: Two Mickeys! The slashers will be having a field day with this one.
Cybermen: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Doctor: Whoa, you can't use the Daleks' catchphrase.
Cybermen: Do not mention those wimps to us. Daleks are metal casings with emotionless Kaleds inside. Cybermen are metal casings with emotionless humans inside! Totally different!
Doctor: Whatever. Still can't use their catchphrase.
Cybermen: Fine. Delete! Delete!
Doctor: Okay, as a catchphrase, that really sucks.
Cybermen: You asked for it. Maximum deletion!
Doctor: Huh? What does that even mean?
Cybermen: If this weren't a cliffhanger, I would kill you where you stand!
(The Cybermen chant "Delete -- delete --" without actually deleting anyone at Ludicrous Speed)
TO BE CONTINUED...
Previous fiver: Tooth and Claw
Next fiver: The Age of Steel
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Scooter.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Tenth Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Rise of the Cybermen"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.
All material © 2006, Mark Wilson.