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Five-Minute "The Five Doctors"

by SCMoll

Stock Footage First Doctor: Here I am, in this recycled clip from "Dalek Invasion of Earth" to suck you in to the episode. Little do you know I have been replaced by an impostor!

Corridors: We are spooky. Watch us be dark.
Black-Gloved Hand: My evil plan will come to fruition. Mwahahahaha!

Fifth Doctor: Ah, welcome to the Eye of Orion. Beautiful, isn't it?
Turlough: Yes. It's so beautiful; I think I'll hide in the TARDIS for the entire episode.
Fifth Doctor: Now that's just Terrance Dicks' sloppy writing and inability to write for more than one companion showing through. Shame.
Turlough: Sorry.
Tegan: Can we stay here? It's nice not to be chased by evil aliens or imprisoned or running through corridors. Why do we always go to places where bad things are happening?
Fifth Doctor: It'd be too easy to go to nice places.

Black-Gloved Hand: Behold... my authentic First Doctor action figure!
Impostor First Doctor: Sorry to spoil your fun, but I'm not the original actor! I've been recast!
Black-Gloved Hand: You'll do! Onto the game board...

Fifth Doctor: Oh no!
Tegan & Turlough: What?
Fifth Doctor: A twinge of cosmic angst! Somebody just stole my First Doctor action figure... oh, it was only the impostor one. Never mind.

Second Doctor: Hello, Brigadier! How are you doing?
Brigadier: Fine until you showed up.
Second Doctor: Never mind that, look! A big CGI-whirly cone thingy! Run!
Brigadier: These are updated special effects, right?
Second Doctor: Yes, why? We didn't have CGI in the Seventies. We're in the Special Edition!
Brigadier: Because if that's the updated special effect, I shudder to imagine the look of the original.

Third Doctor: Time for a dreadfully exciting car chase... never mind... it was boring.

K-9: Danger detected, Mistress. Stay home.
Sarah Jane: What kind of danger?
K-9: Unknown.
Sarah Jane: It has to be a type of danger, K-9. You can't simply detect the abstract concept of danger. That's as silly as in "Conspiracy" when Worf claims to detect a disturbance, but doesn't know what kind it is.
K-9: Whirly CGI cone type danger, mistress.
Sarah Jane: Oh.

Stock Footage Fourth Doctor: So you see, I was too snooty to return for the multi-Doctor special...
Stock Footage Romana: ...and so we make our appearance by footage from an unaired episode. Brilliant!
Stock Footage Fourth Doctor: Not really. It spoiled my plan to get the name changed to "The Four Doctors." Instead it's "The Three Doctors, the Impostor Doctor, and the Doctor from Existing Stock Footage."
Stock Footage Romana: Look out! A whirly CGI cone!
Stock Footage Fourth Doctor: That wasn't in the original episode!
Stock Footage Romana: No wonder it looks so out of place.

Black-Gloved Hand: Curses! A time eddy! Foiled again! I cannot obtain even a Stock Footage Fourth Doctor! Without him, I'll never complete the set!

Fifth Doctor: Help me, I'm fading away! Someone has stolen my entire set of Doctor Who action figures! I must set the TARDIS to follow them!

Lord Borusa: We need your help, Master, to save the Doctor.
The Master: Why should I help you? I'm trying to kill him and conquer you!
Chancellor Flavia: It's an anniversary special.
The Master: Can I utter some sort of silly platitude then?
The Castellan: Fine.

Susan: Hello, Doctor! You look just like I remember you!
Impostor First Doctor: But I'm an impostor!
Susan: Shhh. This is an anniversary special! No one's supposed to mention the fact that you look completely different from the Stock Footage First Doctor except for the wig.
Impostor First Doctor: Look, the TARDIS!
Fifth Doctor: Ah! My Impostor First Doctor action figure! I'm saved! Hello, lovely lady.
Susan: I'm your granddaughter!
Fifth Doctor: Of my first incarnation. Lucky my genetic makeup changes every regeneration!

Second Doctor: It's the Tomb of Rassilon.
Brigadier: That's a nice name.
Second Doctor: Not after the Sash of Rassilon, the Key of Rassilon, the Harp of Rassilon, the Scepter of Rassilon, the Crown of Rassilon, the Coronet of Rassilon, the Eye of Rassilon, the Horn of Rassilon, the Ring of Rassilon, the Black Scrolls of Rassilon, the Bedpan of Rassilon...
Brigadier: There must be another figure in Time Lord history to name things after.
Second Doctor: Yes, but with a name like Farthead...

Sarah Jane: I've slipped and fallen down a leisurely slope! I'll just climb up!
Third Doctor: That'd be too easy. Let me pull you up with my car.
Sarah Jane: Thank you for saving me.
The Master: Greetings Doctor, I'm here to help you. Look, I have the Seal of Rassilon.
Third Doctor: So what? It's made of cardboard, tin foil, and little plastic beads.
Sarah Jane: Then it must be authentic! It's made on a Doctor Who budget!

Fifth Doctor: We must get to the Tomb of Rassilon!
The Master: Hello Doctor! Your third self didn't trust me, so I've come to you instead. I have the Seal of the High Council.
Fifth Doctor: ...and a bicycle bell!
The Master: That's my transmat beacon. It's also on a Doctor Who budget.
Fifth Doctor: Thanks. I'll take that. Beam me up Castellan!
Cyberpatrol: You will die, Master.
The Master: That wasn't very nice.

Lord Borusa: Welcome, Doctor.
Fifth Doctor: Hi! I've got some evidence for your traitor.
Lord Borusa: I know. It is the Castellan.
The Castellan: Is not!
Lord Borusa: Then why's there a black-gloved hand on your arm?
The Castellan: That's not my hand!
Black-Gloved Hand: My evil plan is succeeding! Mwahahahahaha
Lord Borusa: Use the mind probe on him!
The Castellan: No, not that line! I refuse to say that line! I am ridiculed in all of Doctor Who fandom for that line!
Guard: Then you will die!
The Castellan: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
Fifth Doctor: I don't think that the Castellan was really the traitor.
Chancellor Flavia: Why do you say that, Doctor?
Fifth Doctor: Other than the fact the black-gloved hand jumped off his arm and ran away at the last second? Nothing much.

Second Doctor: Ah, a door! Leading into the Tomb of Rassilon and horrible, despicable dangers. Why don't you go first, Brigadier?
Brigadier: I may be dumb, Doctor, but I'm not that dumb. My behavior in "The Three Doctors" notwithstanding.

Third Doctor: I will use this rope to get us into the tower.
Sarah Jane: You can't slide on a rope that goes up.
Third Doctor: Well, you might not be able to, but that won't stop me! Watch out for the Cyberpatrol.
Sarah Jane: GAK! I'm coming!
Third Doctor: Would you like to go in first?
Sarah Jane: Sure.
Third Doctor: My dear, first you fall down a leisurely slope and now this. You dumber than even Harry Sullivan.
Harry: I resent that.
Third Doctor: That's why you're not back for this anniversary special.

Impostor First Doctor: A chessboard!
Tegan: It's only 2-D!
Impostor First Doctor: So?
Tegan: This is the future? Where's the Star Trek-like 3-D arrangement?
Impostor First Doctor: The entire board's a death trap unless you know the secret route.
Tegan: Which is what?
The Master: Walking straight across.
Impostor First Doctor: It can't be that easy! Go away!

Second Doctor: Look ghosts of Jamie and Zoe!
Ghosts of Jamie and Zoe: You have learned our secret! Aaaaaaaah!
Brigadier: How'd you know they were ghosts?
Second Doctor: They recognized us, but their memories were erased just before I regenerated.
Brigadier: Then how do you know? As soon as you learned, you became the Third Doctor!
Second Doctor: Well, let me tell you about my obsessive fans and what they call Season 6-B...

Third Doctor: Hello, Doctor. We have reached the Tomb of Rassilon!
Second Doctor: Why, hello Doctor!
Impostor First Doctor: Hello, Doctor!
Second Doctor: Hello, Doctor!
Impostor First Doctor: And hello to you too, Doctor!
Third Doctor: Hello, Doctor!
Sarah Jane: There's only so much I can stand.
Brigadier: Tell me about it.

Fifth Doctor: Hmmm... the Harp of Rassilon. "There's nothing more foolish than a lock with a music tone." Given that, this must be the way in! But what's the tune...
Harp of Rassilon: Maybe it's the one on the sheets of music on the stand next to me.
Fifth Doctor: Too easy.
Harp of Rassilon: I'll play it myself then, fool. Enter!
Fifth Doctor: Lord Borusa! Yours was the black-gloved hand!
Black-Gloved Hand: No! I don't belong to Borusa; he belongs to me! Mwahahahahaha!
Fifth Doctor: Why, it's my action figure collection!
Black-Gloved Hand: I will now add you to it! Behold the Random Artifact of Rassilon!
Fifth Doctor: I obey.

Impostor First Doctor: I've got it!
Second Doctor: What?
Impostor First Doctor: We don't actually have to translate this inscription!
Third Doctor: Why? Because you two are my past selves, and thus I already know it, having experienced this adventure twice before?
Impostor First Doctor: No, because this is mindless filler and has nothing to do with the episode.
The Master: Aha! Now I will get immortality from Rassilon!
Second Doctor: Why are you so evil, Master? You constantly spurn us!
The Master: I tried to help you!
Seventh Doctor: Nonsense. Antimony, hit him.
Antimony: That's all I do.
Tegan: Where'd they come from?
Sarah Jane: "Death Comes to Time," methinks. BBC FictionLab.

Fifth Doctor: (over the comm) This is the Doc-tor.
Impostor First Doctor: Hello, Doctor.
Second Doctor: Hello, Doctor.
Third Doctor: Hello, Doctor.
Fifth Doctor: Hel-lo, Doc-tor, Doc-tor, and Doc-tor. The rea-son I am talk-ing in a mon-o-tone has no-thing to do with be-ing un-der mind con-trol. I will ar-rive with Pres-i-dent Bor-u-sa short-ly to take con-trol.
Impostor First Doctor: Sweet! Now we know who will win that upcoming election after "Invasion of Time"! Think of all the grozits we can make!
Borusa: Now I will get immortality!
Impostor First Doctor: We must save the Fifth Doctor from mind control! Focus. Hummmm...
Second Doctor: Hummmm...
Third Doctor: Hummmm...
Seventh Doctor: Hummmm...
Stock Footage First Doctor: Hummmm...
Stock Footage Fourth Doctor: Hummmm...
Sixth Doctor: Hummmm...
Eighth Doctor: Hummmm...
The Valeyard: Hummmm...
Brigadier: Where'd all these other Doctors come from?
The Valeyard: Oh, we simply adumbrated two separate epistatic interfaces of the spectrum!
Tegan: Does that mean anything?
Lord Borusa: Oh, boy! I wanna be a statue!
Lord Borusa the Alpha Centaurian Statue: Anything but that! No!
Black-Gloved Hand: Waaaaaaaaaaa!

Impostor First Doctor: We win! Goodbye, Doctor.
Stock Footage First Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Second Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Third Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Stock Footage Fourth Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Fifth Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Sixth Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Seventh Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
Eighth Doctor: Goodbye, Doctor.
The Valeyard: Benevolent antidisestablishmentarianism valedictions, Doctor.
Chancellor Flavia: I simply can't stand this witty multi-Doctor banter. I shall have to make you the new President despite the fact you are a thief, convicted criminal, and are against everything Gallifreyan society stands for.
Fifth Doctor: But which one of us? Choose wisely!
Chancellor Flavia: Well... the Impostor First Doctor has that nice shock of hair... but the Stock Footage First Doctor is so endearing... and the Second Doctor...
Fifth Doctor: Hurry! Into the TARDIS!

Turlough: We're running away from your people? In a rickety old TARDIS?
Fifth Doctor: Why not? That's how it all began!
Tegan: Well, not really. You were a lot more mysterious in "An Unearthly Child." The TARDIS wasn't at all reliable. The special effects were a whole lot worse. We didn't know the name of your race or planet....
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 23, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2003, S. C. Mollman.