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Five-Minute "Armageddon Game"

by Derek Dean

Medical Log: I've been trying to destroy this virus called the Harvesters for some aliens. It's slow going, but at least it allows me more time to spend with Chief O'Brien.

Chief's Log: Kill me now.

Bashir: Why won't this virus die?
Doctor: Don't feel bad, Doctor. This virus was meticulously constructed by our most unethical, perverse doctors who all seemed to have a fascination for pimp hats.
Bashir: Hm... That gives me an idea.

Sisko: I hear you figured out how to destroy the virus. Congrats, Doctor!
Bashir: (over the comm) Well, Chief O'Brien helped a lot.
O'Brien: (over the comm) Don't even talk to me.
Bashir: Um, yes, anyway, I had this brilliant idea to decontaminate the virus by spreading a gel all over it, and it seems to have worked.
Sisko: Good job. Why don't you two stay for the celebration?
O'Brien: I have to stay here longer? With him? Kill me now!

Doctor: Well, Doctor, here's the last canister. May we never die as horribly as the people who caught this virus did.
Bashir: Excellent. Activate the machine, Chief.
O'Brien: Up yours, sir.
Bashir: It really is. I had no idea you were even on board.
Canister: (CRASH!)
Harverster Virus: (DRIP ON O'BRIEN!)
O'Brien: Sigh. Kill me now.

Sharat: Commander, I'm afraid we have some bad news. Doctor Bashir has been killed.
Sisko: I see, and what's the bad news?
E'Tyshra: Chief O'Brien was with him.

Bashir: It was good thinking to escape down to the planet to avoid the Kellerun.
O'Brien: No, it wasn't.
Bashir: Oh. Well, we'd better get on the move so they won't find us.
O'Brien: No, we shouldn't.
Bashir: Chief, you're just disagreeing with everything I say!
O'Brien: No, I'm not.

Doctor: Well, Doctor, here's the last canister. May we never die as horribly as the people who caught this virus did.
Bashir: Excellent. Activate the machine, Chief.
O'Brien: Anything for you, Julian.
O'Brien: Wait, what's this? A defense system has been activated! Quick, Julian, what should we do?
Bashir: Well, I --
All: Sniff.
Sisko: Dax, I want you to tell Starfleet that we need a new doctor and a new chief. And see if you can request that the new doctor not be so annoying.
Dax: Benjamin!
Sisko: Well, he was.

Bashir: It's too bad we couldn't go to that party. I was really hoping to pick up some chicks.
O'Brien: (to self) Just ignore him, and he'll go away. Just ignore him, and he'll go away.
Bashir: Of course, it must really suck to be married.
O'Brien: GAH! Take your marital cynicism and bury it!
Bashir: Are you feeling okay, Chief?
O'Brien: Why do you ask?
Bashir: You're not normally so nice to me.

O'Brien: My eyes hurt. And I'm not even looking at your ugly, ugly face.
Bashir: It's because you have contracted the Harvesters. Why don't you sit down and let me try to fix that comm system?
O'Brien: Oh all right.
Bashir: You're actually letting me? You must be sicker than I thought.

Quark: I'd like to make a toast: To O'Brien and Bashir! They may have hated each other, but at least they let me sell tickets to their fights. And to Morn, my favorite customer.
Dax: Morn isn't dead.
Quark: So?

Keiko: Commander, there's something very wrong with this recording. Something so obvious, I don't know how you could have missed it.
O'Brien: Anything for you, Julian.
Keiko: There!
Sisko: What? Where?
Keiko: He's drinking coffee! Miles never has a second cup of coffee at home!

O'Brien: MmmmRRGle.
Bashir: Come on, Chief. Stay with me. What will keep you awake? I know! A recollection
of all my past romantic conquests.
O'Brien: Must. Run. Away. But. Can't. Feel. Legs! ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bashir: Let's see.... First there was Ruby...
O'Brien: Kill me now.
Harvester Virus: I'm working on it, I'm working on it!

Bashir: I think I've got the comm device working. I'm sending a distress signal.
O'Brien: Julian, tell my wife --
Bashir: No! I refuse to let you have parting words even if you are only minutes from death!
O'Brien: Okay. Then on an unrelated note, you should get married. And have kids. You're not getting any younger and your parents probably want grandkids and --
Bashir: On second thought, why don't you give me those parting words after all.

E'Tyshra: So this is where it happened. Please ignore the blood stains and bullet holes, they're here for a completely unrelated reason.
Sisko: I see. Ambassador, do you think the video could have been doctored?
E'Tyshra: Why, no, Commander. All the doctors were killed.

Dax: Check this out. The Ganges reports that O'Brien tried to beam out after the flash should've happened.
Sisko: Why didn't the runabout beam him over?
Dax: He was trying to beam Julian out too.
Sisko: So you're saying that O'Brien and Bashir are...
Dax: Not. Dead. Yes, sir.

Bashir: Ambassador? Oh thank goodness you're here. The Kellerun tried killing us.
E'Tyshra: Actually we're working together. And now it's time to finish the job. Ready! AIM! FI--
O'Brien: WAIT! Stand me up first. I want to die on my feet.
E'Tyshra: Now can we kill you?
O'Brien: I also want my last words.
E'Tyshra: Well, okay, what could be the harm in --
Transporter: (WHOOSH!)
Sharat: Idiot.

Sisko: Chief! Are we glad to see you!
Dax: Ben, the cruiser is coming about and jamming our transmissions!
O'Brien: Those aliens infected me with the Harvesters, tried to kill me, and stuck me with the Doctor for over a week! As far as I'm concerned they can kiss my sickly, white, Irish --
Sisko: Chief, please! No one needs to see your Harvesters moon.

Sisko: (over the comm) Neener neener! You can't catch me!
Sharat: We don't have to catch you. We just have to destroy you. Like this.
Runabout: BOOM!
E'Tyshra: That was easy. Circle back for the other runabout.
Sharat: The other runabout that's no longer there?
E'Tyshra: Curses! Sisko must have remote-controlled the other runabout while he flew that one away.
Sharat: How? Weren't we jamming their transmissions?
E'Tyshra: Yes, look! You can still see blobs of raspberry jam floating around where their shuttle used to be.
Sharat: Rasp-- ...You idiot!

Keiko: Well, I'm just glad I noticed that you were drinking that coffee in the video.
O'Brien: Yeah, about that. I'm not sure I should've had that second cup. (vomits)
Keiko: (to self) Miles never vomits at home....
Bashir: Miles is vomiting? I guess he'll have to stay in sickbay a while longer. But at least we can finish those conversations we started on the planet.
O'Brien: ...Kill me now.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 29, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Derek Dean.