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Five-Minute "Battle Lines"

by Wowbagger

Bashir: (over comm) Sir, you had better come down and see this.
Sisko: What is it, Doctor?
Bashir: Trouble.
Sisko: What kind of trouble?
Bashir: (sigh) All right, it's just the Kai.
Sisko: The Kai is trouble?
Bashir: No, I just always wanted to say that, sir.

Sisko: The wormhole is very, very prettyful. But YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE IT! Hahahahaha!
Opaka: (makes sad puppy eyes)
Sisko: Awww... okay. Board ill-fated runabout-with-river-for-a-namesake #2.
Bashir: Right away, sir.
Sisko: Not you! Just the K--
Bashir: What, sir? I can't hear you.

Opaka: Very, very, very prettyful. Now why don't we all chill in dis here hood, yo?
Sisko, Bashir, and Kira: ...?
Opaka: Look, some joker sent the Prophets an OCD of gangsta rap. Just ignore it and pay attention to the subspace message that's coming in in five seconds which I of course could know nothing about yet. Right.
Sisko: What subspa-- Ah, so there is. We will now drop our current line of questioning.
Opaka: (phew!)

Kira: We're being fired upon by a 900-megawatt pulse thingy!
Sisko: Hey, these shields can take a decent beating from a starship with enough power to wipe out a planet. I'm sure we can handle the equivalent of a small power plant's daily -- oh, crud.

Yangtzee Kiang: GAK!
Opaka: I'm all right! I'm all -- GAK!
Bashir: She's dead, Ben.
Kira: By Grapthar's Hammer, You Shall Be Avenged!
Sisko: Hey, she's not really dead! She just blinked!
Ennis: Ignore that. Focus on us instead.

Shel-la: Note the hair.
Sisko: Wow. Any man who can look worse than Picard and Ted Koppel combined is a man to be respected.
Shel-la: Ennis good. Nol-Ennis bad.
Sisko: But you're exactly the same.
Shel-la: No! Don't you see? I'm bald on the left and hairy on the right; their leader is bald on the right and hairy on the left!

Shel-la: We stopped using energy weapons centuries ago.
Sisko: Then what's that you're holding?
Shel-la: Ignore that.

Ennis #1: GAK!
Nol-Ennis #42: GAK!
Ennis #26 and #47: GAK!
Nol-Ennis #54-107 Inclusive: GAK!
Various Others: GAK!
Kira: Looks like somebody likes a certain word...

Opaka: Anti-GAK!
Kira: She's alive!
Ennis: Meh.
Sisko: Meh? Isn't that a bit suspicious?
Bashir: Ignore that.

Sisko: How about a cease fire?
Shel-la: Yes, I'm willing to discuss a "cease fire."
Sisko: Why the scare quotes?
Shel-la: Whatever are you talking about?

O'Brien: We'll use a differential magnetomer to scan for humanoid biosigns by penetrating the delta radiation and the mutual induction field set up by--
Dax: Not one more word or you'll cause a technobabble explosion that'll take out that small moon.
O'Brien: That's no moon... that's a battle GAK!
Dax: Lucky that this "Hammer of Smiting" just materialized on the transporter pad.
T'Pol: (over the comm) No problem.

Zlangco: Here for the "cease fire talks?"
Sisko: It disturbs me that you--
Shel-la: As opposed to the cease fire talks? Yes, I'm here for the "cease fire talks."
Sisko: Hey, guys, guys--
Zlangco: That's good, because I'm here on behalf of PETE: People Eating Tasty Ennis. En garde!

Ennis and Nol-Ennis: GAK!
Nol-Ennis #33 1/3: Sisko, prepare to be GAKitized!
Bashir: You wish.

Sisko: Thanks. Say, you jump really well, almost like a superman!
Bashir: Uh... ignore that.
Sisko: Why does everyone keep telling me to ignore them?
Bashir: Uh... ignore that, too.

O'Brien: (over the comm) Commander, we're ready to beam you up now.
Sisko: Chief, we still have a plot developing down here.
O'Brien: I see. Oh, what's this? Sorry, sir, but some interference (wink wink) up here will delay beamup by about fifteen minutes. (wink wink)
Sisko: Are you winking at me over a communicator?
O'Brien: Of course not, sir. (wink wink)
Sisko: Okay, then.

Bashir: I'm going to make sure these people can die forever, as an act of mercy.
Shel-la: Excellent. A new weapon!
Bashir: On second thought, we'll just leave the Kai with them instead.
Opaka: What?
Bashir: Uh... you're stuck here... uh... forever. Right.

Sisko: I feel bad about abandoning the Kai.
Dax: Ignore it.
Sisko: And if I don't?
Dax: I dunno. Good advice, though.
Sisko: No, it isn't.
Dax: I'm ignoring you.
Sisko: Grrr...
(Rio Grande computer realizes that ignorance is bliss and erases its memory banks at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 13, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, J. Heaney.