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Five-Minute "Call to Arms"

by Derek Dean

Leeta: I can't pick out a nice wedding dress.
Rom: Meh.
Leeta: You say that now, but what will you say when I don't have anything to wear on our wedding day?
Rom: Woo hoo!
Leeta: I thought we agreed on no Betazoid weddings.
Rom: Sigh.
Leeta: Hey, look! There's Sisko. Offer him free holosuite baseball time in exchange for marrying us.

Sisko: What's with this headline?
Jake: "Captain Sisko Drops Toothpaste, by Jake Sisko."
Sisko: Care to explain that?
Jake: I got a job with a Federation tabloid!
Sisko: I'm Crest-fallen.

Nog: I heard a report that the Romulans are staying out of the war.
Sisko: I'm sure it's a fake!
Nog: Whew.

Sisko: I heard a report that the Romulans are staying out of the war.
Starfleet Command: (over the comm) That report? We created it -- and it's real!
Sisko: Crap.

Sisko: I've decided to mine the wormhole.
Kira: Hey, it's the Bajoran's wormhole too. I think you should ours it.
Sisko: That doesn't make any sense.

O'Brien: How about we cloak the mines so the Dominion will have to guess where they are.
Jadzia: That'd be cool. And if they look for a mine in the wrong spot, we can display a number of how many mines are next to that space.
Rom: I can't believe I'm getting married! I can have all the children I want!
O'Brien: That's it! Self-procreating mines! And we can have them follow ships like in Galaxy Quest.
Rom: Hey, we're going to watch that at my bachelor's party. Wanna come?

Worf: How many ships are we getting?
Sisko: I don't know. I couldn't get Starfleet to stop laughing at my request long enough to give me a straight answer.
Kira: This doesn't look good.

Weyoun: Either you remove your mines or I will.
Sisko: Oh yeah? You and what army?
Weyoun: Wait here. I'll go get it.
Sisko: Crap.

Sisko: Let us know when the Dominion is coming. You remember the signals?
Martok: One if by land, two if by sea, three if by space.
Sisko: Major, set up an appointment with the Council. Tell them I'll be coming in on an donkey's foal.
Kira: I'll make sure the palm branches are ready.

Sisko: Mene mene tekel uparsin. Amen.
Leeta: Woohoo, we're married. Let's go to our quarters for some fun, Rom.
Rom: Sorry, but you have to leave.
Leeta: Hey! That isn't fair. Don't you agree, Emissary?
Sisko: What was the question? Sorry, I was thinking about baseball.

Sisko: Computer, what's the status of the "I love you" virus?
Computer: Ready to go.
Martok: (over the comm) To arms! To arms! The Dominion is --
Dukat: (over the comm) -- jamming his transmission. Wanna surrender?
Sisko: Do I look French?
Dukat: Well, you're from New Orleans. Figured I'd ask.

Jake: So now what?
Bashir: Now we wait for people to die.
Jake: Don't you mean get injured?
Bashir: I guess, but dead people are easier to treat.
Jake: Well, you've definitely given me something to write about for the newspaper.
Bashir: Make sure to write my full name, Julian Kevorkian Bashir

Dukat: Today, Deep Space Nine. Tomorrow, the world!
Weyoun: Um, what does the term "non-aggression pact" mean to you?
Dukat: Easily conquerable.
Weyoun: I might have guessed.

Jadzia: I need to take evasive maneuvers to avoid the Dominion ships.
O'Brien: But the mines might go off prematurely!
Jadzia: Relax, just think about baseball.

Jadzia: I love you, Worf. Let's get married.
Worf: Does this mean we can get past first base?
Jadzia: What is it with all the baseball references?
Worf: I don't know. I just hope your romantic feelings aren't short lived.
Jadzia: No more so than I am.

Sisko: I will not go quietly into the night! I will not vanish without a fight! I'm --
Jadzia: (over the comm) We're ready to escape.
Sisko: Quick, beam me aboard and engage the cloaking device.

Garak: Hope you don't mind if I come along.
Sisko: Actually, I do. I thought I was pretty explicit about not taking along anyone more interesting than me.

Kira: Welcome to the station, Cardassian scum.
Damar and Dukat: Woo hoo!
Weyoun: (to Odo) My liege, I gravel at your feet.
Odo: It's grovel, not gravel.

Weyoun: Looks like Sisko did a good job trashing the place.
Dukat: He's not all bad. Look at the subject of the email he left for me: "I love you". How sweet.
Damar: Hey, look! There's an attachment! Open it, open it!
Station: Zzzzt!

Dukat: Look! Sisko left his baseball!
Weyoun: What does that mean?
Dukat: It means he's thinking about sex!
(Weyoun gets confused at Ludicrous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on June 10, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.