Home Prev 5MD: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Civil Defense"

by YXC

Jake: Chief, the computer won't delete this file. It says that it's still being used by a program that needs to be shut down.
O'Brien: Stand aside, amateur, I'll fix this.
Computer: Hey Bajoran scum, what are you doing and where are your Cardassian slave drivers?
O'Brien: Huh...
Computer: That's it, it's lockdown time.

Video of Dukat: Hey Bajoran scum, surrender or die.
Sisko: I know, let's think like the French. Computer, we surrender.
Video of Dukat: Meh, I think I'll gas you anyway.

Computer: Filthy Bajorans are all over the station and like I said, surrender or die.
Kira: Yeah, like anyone here would surrender.
Bashir: You never know, Major.

O'Brien: Thank God we escaped that gas filled chamber to get to this dead-end chamber.
Sisko: Yeah, thanks to me and my brilliant plan.
O'Brien: (under his breath) Idiot.
Sisko: What?
O'Brien: Nothing.

Kira: Screw this; I'm getting out of here.
Phaser: Zap!
Bashir: Well, that didn't work. You're worse than Sisko.
Dax: I'll save us, with technobabble.
Kira: Ah, that never works this early in the episode.

Odo: We're trapped in my office.
Quark: Is there an echo on the station?
Odo: I hadn't noticed, but do you know what this means?
Quark: The writers have added a third, completely unnecessary subplot.
Odo: Yep; and for that they'll pay.

Sisko: Let's blow the door with this ore.
O'Brien: I'd need tools for that.
Sisko: Here's a tool.
O'Brien: That not a tool. It's just a piece of metal.
Sisko: They look the same to me.
O'Brien: I stand by my previous statement.
Sisko: What statement?
O'Brien: Oh, nothing.

Dax: The technobabble is connected to the technobabble, the technobabble is connected to the techno--
Forcefield: Zap!
Dax: Owwwww... my hands.
Kira: See, just like I said.
Bashir: That's ironic -- a computer that hates technobabble.
Computer: You said it again. Just for that, I think I'll kill every filthy Bajoran on the station.
Bashir: Oops.

Garak: Let's destroy life support.
Bashir: Makes sense to me.
Life Support System: Gak!
Video of Dukat: For that I think I'll self destruct the station in two hours.
All: Crap!

Quark: I'm bored and I want out.
Odo: That makes three of us.
Quark: Three?
Odo: Yeah, you, me and the viewers. Now I think I'll use this time for flattery.
Quark: Now I really need to get out of here.

Garak: Well I can't do anything. The only person who can help is Gul Dukat.
Dax: The computer's a little slow. Maybe we can make it think you're Dukat.
Computer: Slow, eh? All right, you die now! Say hello to my little friend.
Little Friend: Zap! Zap! Zap!
Hapless Redshirt: Gak!
Bashir: I'll destroy it with that phaser over there.
Little Friend: Zap! Zap! Zap!
Bashir: Mommy!

Transporter: WHOOSH
Dukat: Hey there. Well, I got my distress call and came immediately. So, looks like you're all screwed.
Bashir: Aren't you going to help?
Dukat: Maybe, but first I'm going to have a cozy little chat with Major Kira.

Dukat: I noticed the colors on the station are too bright, but don't worry, I know how to fix it. I'll just send over some troops from my ship and--
Bashir: Well, that went well.
Dukat: Yes and I'm leaving now. But don't worry, I'll be back in half an hour with an interior decorator.
Dukat: What the...
Video of Dukat's Superior: You're all screwed now. Especially you, Dukat.

Dukat: Computer, cut it out.
Computer: Your inquiry was not recognized.
Dax: Isn't that a different computer?
Computer: Quiet you.

Ore: BOOM!
Sisko: Great. Now let's escape through the hole in the middle of the door.
O'Brien: Middle? But we packed the ore at the bottom of the door.
Sisko: Never question the divine will of the writers.
O'Brien: You just keep proving my point.

Sisko: (over the comm) We'll disengage the technobabble. You evacuate people to the Defiant.
O'Brien: Wait a minute. If we can get to the Defiant, then why don't we just use its transporters to beam us where we need to go?
Sisko: What did I just tell you about the will of the writers?

Sisko: Kira's idea sucks. Let's use the shields. (crawl, crawl, crawl)
O'Brien: (crawl, crawl, crawl) Owww...
Sisko: Eeny meany miney moe... ah, there we go.

Doors: Unslam.
Quark: Yes, we're free. Hey Odo, where are you going?
Odo: Off to hunt down and kill the writers.
(Odo hunts down the writers at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Equilibrium
Next fiver: Defiant


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, YXC.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Deep Space Nine
___ ___ Season 3
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Civil Defense"

This fiver was originally published on November 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, YXC.