Five-Minute "Dax"
by ceedj

Dax: Wander, wander, wa-- OOOF!
Ilon Tandro: Hi, I'm here to kidnap you.
Bashir: I'll save you!
Ilon: You must be new around here. Oh boys...
Thugs: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Bashir: What do you mean -- OW!

Bashir: (over comm) Someone is trying to abscond with Dax!
Sisko: Wow, I knew Curzon was freaky, but --
Bashir: No sir, they're trying to kidnap Dax!
Sisko: That's not until next season, bub.

Ilon: Dax is accused of treason and murdering my father 30 years ago.
Sisko: You can't blame Jadzia for something Curzon did.
Ilon: You must be new around here. Oh boys...
Sisko: No way. This is a Bajoran station, so we'll have an extradition hearing!
Ilon: But Dax is a Trill.
Sisko: Logic is futile. Bring forth Judge Judy!
Ilon: Nuts.

Sisko: Your honor, if the glove doesn't fit, you must aquitt!
Judge Judy Renora: Nice try, Mr. Cochran.

Sisko: Odo, we have to prove that Jadzia shouldn't be responsible for the actions of a past host. Go to Klaestron IV and harrass the widow about it.
Odo: Is that legal?
Sisko: Hmmm, I don't think so...
Odo: Good. Be back soon!

Enina Tandro: Curzon is not responsible for my husband's death.
Odo: But he's the only one of five possible suspects that doesn't have an alibi.
Enina: ...erm, can I get back to you?

Ilon: I submit that blah blah blah, joined Trill, blah blah blah, same memories, blah blah blah, here's a fiver, let's call it even, okay?
Sisko: I object!
Judge Judy Renora: On what grounds?
Sisko: I didn't even get to bribe you yet!
Judge Judy Renora: Overrulled! We don't like the Federation.
Sisko: But when a Trill and symbiont are joined, they become a different person!
Dr. Crusher: Amen, brother Ben.
Judge Judy Renora: Quiet you. Your show isn't even over yet.

Ilon: Dr. Bashir, were you part of a Dominion plot?
Bashir: Who?
Ilon: Is there a difference between technobabble and technobabble?
Bashir: Um...
Ilon: DON'T WAIT FOR THE TRANSLATION, ANSWER THE QUESTION NOW!
Bashir: Uh...
Ilon: No further questions.
Sisko: That could have gone better...

Odo: (over comm) Bad news.
Sisko: The widow is dead?
Odo: No, worse.
Sisko: The widow denies everything?
Odo: No, worse.
Sisko: Well, what DID you find out?
Odo: Do the words "Sugar Daddy" mean anything to you?
Sisko: Crap.

Sisko: Why didn't you tell me about the affair?
Dax: Let it go, Benjamin.
Sisko: But they're coming to take you away!
Dax: Ha ha?
Sisko: Dax, that was...
Dax: ...not funny, I know.

Ilon: The people call to the stand, Dax.
Dax: Look, all I did was stay in the guest room and...
Ilon: Nice try, Kato.

Ilon: So I submit that since Dax accepted responsibility for being joined --
Enina: Dax was sleeping with me when my husband was murdered.
All: Ewwww!
Enina: When she was Curzon.
All: Ewwww!
Enina: (sigh) 30 years ago.
Ilon: Wow mom, I hate you.
Enina: That's ok, you get to go home angry, while I get to spend some quality time with Dax...
(beat)
All: EWWWW!
Enina: Oh, would you people grow up?

Enina: I couldn't let them kill you, Jadzia.
Dax: Thanks very much.
Enina: So, you wanna go make some wormholes together and --
Dax: EWWWW!
(Dax runs away at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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