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Five-Minute "Explorers"

by Derek Dean

Leeta: Hi, I'm Leeta. I'm going to be a recurring character from now on.
Bashir: Hi, I'm Bashir. I'm going to obsess about you when I'm not obsessing about Dax.
Dax: Did someone call me?
Bashir and Leeta: No.
Dax: Humph! Well, in that case, why don't you obsess about your class valedictorian, Julian?
Bashir: But what about Leeta?
Dax: Meh, she can date Rom.

Sisko: Like my beard? I'm trying for a promotion.
Jake: I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone who cares.
Sisko: Just for that we're going on a road trip.

Sisko: I'm going to build a Bajoran sailboat and sail it through space.
O'Brien: I don't think it'll make it. Those oar ports don't strike me as being airtight.
Kira: Hey, don't diss my ancestry. Everyone knows interstellar travel is a Bajoran inwention.

Dax: Why're you reading that book on photography?
Bashir: Just brushing up on some stuff so I won't sound like a fool in front of Dr. Lense.
Dax: But why photography? Why not a medical journal?
Bashir: Crap, you're right. I studied medicine!

Dax: Wow. You really went to a lot of effort in making this ship. I thought you were just going to make a barebones version.
Sisko: Nah, I decided to go for the Special Collector's Edition.
Dax: What makes it so special?
Sisko: It has a bathroom.

Dukat: (over the comm) Bah. The Bajoran flight is nothing more than a fairy tale. You could get lost in that ship of yours.
Sisko: Don't worry, we'll leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind us.
Dukat: Just hope a Bird of Prey doesn't eat them as you go.

Sisko: Secure the jib! Hoist the mainstay! Batten down the hatches!
Jake: You don't have a clue what you're saying, do you?
Sisko: Arrr, matey. Anymore o' your lip and ye'll be walkin' the plank.
Jake: And you wondered why I was so reluctant to go on this trip with you.

Jake: I feel silly asking you this, dad, but can you read my story that I've been working on?
Sisko: You wrote a story? That's great! Why would you feel ashamed about it?
Jake: Because it's smutty Voyager fanfic.
Sisko: Out. Now.

O'Brien: Okay, look, there's Dr. Lense. Now just play it cool and impress her with your wit and sagacity.
Bashir: All right. Deep breath. ... Hi, Dr. Lense. Fancy meeting you here.
O'Brien: Julian, you're speaking to the bulkhead.
Bashir: Oh, uh, yes, so I am. I was just, uh, practicing what I was going to say. And now that I've practiced, I'm ready to speak to Dr. Lense. Where is she?
O'Brien: She just left.
Bashir: Crap.

Jake: So what did you think of my story?
Sisko: It wasn't bad. Except the Janeway/Neelix 'ship. That was just sick.
Jake: Yeah, a lot of people have told me that. However the Scrivener School on Earth seems to like it and they offered me a fellowship. What do you think?
Sisko: I think the sail's coming off.
Jake: Could you stop using your sailor slang and tell me plainly what you think?
Sisko: The sail's coming off!

Sisko: Crap. We lost a sail. I guess we better turn back.
Jake: Turn back? When the ancient Bajorans flew their ships and lost a sail, do you think they turned back? When the Vulcans discovered the Kir'Shara, did they turn back to orthodoxy? When the Dominion ordered the Federation out of their space, did they turn back? No! And neither should we!
Sisko: Not the most inspiring of speeches, but you make good points. Stupidly onward it is.

O'Brien: (singing) Till we have built, Jerusalem.
Bashir: Hic. Come on, Chief. Don't you know any other songs than "The Minstrel Boy"?
O'Brien: That wasn't "Jerusalem". It was "The Minstrel Boy". Hic.
Bashir: Oh, my bad. So why do you think she just walked out on me?
O'Brien: Probably because you're an arrogant impetuous jerk that everyone just pretends to like.
Bashir: I'll assume that was the booze talking.
O'Brien: No, it was me.

Sisko: Well, congrats on getting the Fellowship. Are you going to get the Two Towers next?
Jake: Actually I don't think I'll take the Fellowship.
Sisko: Why? Because you're afraid of being away from home?
Jake: No, because you haven't had a date in a long time. And you need a woman. And I know a woman.
Sisko: Well --
Jake: Why does this ship always do something whenever we're getting into a conversation?

Sisko: We're moving at warp. How'd that happen?
Jake: Maybe we got caught up in one of these tachyon eddies.
Sisko: Nah, that's a stupid idea. Wait, I've got it! What if we got caught up in one of those tachyon eddies?
Jake: Brilliant!

Bashir: Look, lady, just who do you think you are?
Lense: Dr. Lense.... And you?
Bashir: You don't know who I am? We went to school together. We were bitter rivals for valedictorian. We were lab partners in Biochem.
Lense: Look, it was a big school. It's hard for me to remember everyone I knew there.
Bashir: Our class had only 15 people in it! Come on! I used to walk your dog. I dated you for two years. How can you not know me?
Lense: Sorry.

Dukat: (over the comm) Congratulations, Commander. You've sailed to Cardassian space. We Cardassians are very grateful to you for forcing us to concede that the Bajorans have one up on us.
Sisko: No problem. It was my pleasure.
Dukat: I guess I shouldn't have tooted my own horn earlier by calling the Bajoran ships just a fairy-
tale. Now I'll have to eat humble pie.
Sisko: We may have beaten the fairy-tale, but you're doing a good job being the Pied Piper.
(Sisko makes a number of other really poor jokes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 12, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.