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Five-Minute "Family and Opportunity"

by Nell

Grand Nagus Rom: Don't cry for me, Ferenginaaaaar... the truth is I neeeeeever left yoooouuuuu.....
Ferengi Public: Gahh, he's singing Andrew Lloyd Webber! Somebody stage a coup right now!
DaiMon Grak: Okay.

Kira: Alden, get your butt in here!
Alden: Look, if this is about the Promenade getting TP'd last night, I swear I....
Kira: Shut up, I'm talking. You're being sent to a conference far far away from the station, before you get another excuse to screw things u--
Grand Nagus Grak: Attention, Starfleet! I overthrew that idiotic Rom and set up martial law. Don't interfere, and don't even THINK about sending some nutcase over on a macho rescue mission.
Alden: Ha! Too late, Colonel! Hey Nog, wanna go AWOL later?
Nog: Cool!
Kira: Crap.

Nog: This is terrible! Rom and Leeta are going to get blasted to smithereens!
Kira: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Nog: Hey! A little compassion would be nice!
Kira: Dude, I'm serious. They were the most annoying characters in the whole entire show.
Nog: Well, at least Leeta had an excuse for wearing skin-tight clothes and five-inch heels.
Kira: Yeah, but that... hey!

Quark: Check out this sweet little ship I bought! I've named her the U.S.S. Convenient Plot Twist.
Nog: U.S.S. is an Earth designation, you moron.
Quark: Just for that, I'm going to be heartlessly selfish for no good reason, starting now.
Nog: You can't do that now! Grak wants to murder your only brother! We have to rescue him!
Quark: Watch me be selfish! See? Phooie on you and your silly rescue mission! Meh, I say!

Nog: Okay, this is a Ferengi ep, so we have to make it as irritating as we possibly can. Where can I find a bumbling sidekick with serious mental problems?
Alden: Oo! Oo!
Quark: Hold it! There will be no annoying of people without me!
Nog: Fine, just get in the stupid ship and let's go.

Dream Bashir: Hey, Ezri. I haven't told you that you suck in a while, so here goes.
Jadzia: Aw, do you have to? It sounds like a blatant excuse for J/E Shipper Angst if you ask me.
Dream Bashir: No, it's spooky foreshadowing. There's a difference.
Jadzia: Like hell there is. This is lame.
Dream Bashir: I know, but can I please do it anyway? There's nothing else to do and I'm bored.
Jadzia: Crap. Fine, go ahead.
Dream Bashir: Thanks. (Ahem.) Haaaahahahaha! Say, you're stupid!

Big Band Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the best jazz horn player in the sector, Lt. Commander Endar Alden!
Alden: Ba de do BA baah, doo-be do bah-BAAAAAHHHH.... Requests? Anyone?
Nog: Yeah, um, may we please have one Commander Alden episode without a musical interlude? One! That's all I ask!
Alden: Not sure I know that one, but I'll make it up! "May we please have one (oo! yeah!) Com-mander Alden ep-i-sode (how you doin'?) with-out a myoooooo-sical interloooooode...."

Nog: Okay, this is crucial. We're severely outnumbered, so our best chance is to sneak past the guards and remain undetecte--
Quark: Remind me again why you brought this guy?
Nog: Shut up.

Quark: Man, now they've captured all of us! Great going, Alden.
Grak: Hey, sweet! Now I can get rid of all of DS9's annoying characters at the same time!
Alden: Except for Zek and Ishka, of course.
Grak: Crap, you're right! Curses!
Quark: Spare my life and I'll tell you where they are. Heck, I'll even shoot 'em myself.
Grak: All right, you've got yourself a deal.

Nog: We have to escape. Can anyone think of an idea?
Brunt: You know something? You're all losers.
Rom: No, you are!
Brunt: No, you are!
Leeta: No, YOU are!
Alden: Whoops! I fell over.
Nog: Okay, that was a stupid question.

Quark: Ahhhh, this is great! No more idiot brother, no more campy Ferengi Family episodes, no more Leeta in Spandex... okay, maybe that part wasn't so bad....
Grak: Wait a second. Isn't this the point in the episode where you suddenly sprout a conscience and help your family escape?
Quark: Already? Aw, man! Fine, let's get this over with.

Grak: DIE! DIEDIEDIE-- oh, not you again.
Rom: Grak! Let my people go!
Grak: You're quoting Moses now? All right, that does it! Time to lay some smack down!
Rom: Eep! Uh... Wow, look over there!
Grak: What? Where? ...Hey! Get back here!

Alden: Hee hee! That was so cool! But I guess I'm in serious trouble, right?
Kira: Ehh, go sit in the corner for five minutes and we'll call it even.
Alden: Sure!
Nog: Wow, you're not going to bite his head off?
Kira: Lieutenant, at this moment I have the entire Ferengi family and Leeta setting up a government-in-exile on my station. Alden's a frickin' Teacher's Pet compared with those people.

Jadzia: That's it! I have had it up to HERE with you, Endar! I give up!
Alden: What if I tell you I had a hallucination? That's always worked before.
Jadzia: Hmm, you're right. Okay, you're off the hook. But make me look stupid one more time and it's over. I mean it.
Alden: Yeah, sure you do.

Admiral Ross: I'm telling you, Colonel, it's too risky. If fighting the Dominion was bad, imagine how horrifying a war with the Ferengi would be! ... Now just a second, I'm serious. This isn't funny. Stop laughing! Stop it! Hey! Nerys, you get up off the floor right this minute!

Alden: And just in case we haven't annoyed enough people, let's go to Vic's!
Everyone: Yay!
Nog: Good, this gives us the chance to wear tuxedos and swap manly banter.
Alden: Hey yeah! Nog, you da man.
Nog: No, Commander, you da man.
Alden: No no, my friend, you da - well okay, I am da man, actually.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Christy Linell.