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Five-Minute "Life Support"

by Derek Dean

Leanne: Hey, Jake. Wanna go out with me?
Jake: Shouldn't I be asking you that question?
Leanne: Geez. Get with the 24th century.

Shuttle: BOOM!
Kira: Crap.
Winn: I'm alive!
Kira: Crap.
Bareil: I'm dying!
Kira: CRAP!

Winn: Was it sabotage?
Sisko: A sabotaged shuttle? That would never happen on Deep Space Nine!
Winn: I'm planning on having talks with the Cardassians too.
Sisko: What a novel concept!
Winn: You can stop rolling your eyes, Emissary.

Bashir: Begin autopsy on Bareil.
Bareil: I'm not dead yet.
Bashir: Oh yeah? Well if you're not dead, then why am I doing an autopsy on you? Answer that, Mr. Smartypants!

Winn: Thank you for saving Bareil's life, Dr. Frankenstein.
Bashir: It's Bashir actually.
Winn: I think we should reschedule the talks here so I can squeeze every last ounce of life out of Bareil.
Bashir: Well, I'll allow it, but only because it's the wrong thing to do.

Nog: So, are you ready to watch the "Saved by the Bell" marathon?
Jake: Actually, I have a date with Leanne.
Nog: Well, invite her along!
Jake: I don't know if she'll like it.
Nog: Hm. Then I guess we'll have to double date.

Bashir: You're not as healthy as you look.
Bareil: Well, give me one of those magic Federation drugs to make me better.
Bashir: The only kind I have access to is the kind that will kill you.
Bareil: Bring it on.
Bashir: Well, I'll allow it, but only because it's the wrong thing to do.

Station Log: The Cardassian Legate came, but he doesn't really figure into this story much.

Jake: So Leanne, hear any good gossip lately?
Nog: Enough about her, let's talk about me and my natural way with women.
Riska: I'm sorry to interrupt, but does this have anything to do with the A-plot?
Nog: (glaring) My natural way with women being, it's either my way or the highway.

Bashir: Bareil's internal organs are starting to fail. But never fear, we can rebuild him with a simple six million dollar operation involving leeches.
Bareil: I wonder how many times I'll have to pass the collection plate to get that much.
Bashir: Most likely for the rest of your life with the interest rate I'm charging.
Bareil: Suck me dry, why don't you.
Bashir: Nah, I'll leave that to the leeches.

Bashir: I need you to tell Bareil that if he doesn't go into stasis a pack of ravenous wolves will eat him.
Winn: That would be lying.
Bashir: Yes, I know. I'm with Starfleet. We don't lie. That's why I'm asking you to.
Winn: I see. And if I refuse?
Bashir: Then a pack of ravenous wolves will eat you.

Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Something's wrong with Bareil's brain!
Bashir: His brain? What is it?
Nurse: It's the organ in his head that helps him think. But that's not important right now.

Winn: Can you replace the damaged part of his brain?
Bashir: Sure, I could make a bionic Bareil, but he'd be emotionless, stiff, and completely monotone.
Winn: Well, at least he won't be any different than he is now.

Kira: Bareil? Are you all right?
Bareil: All right? Ah! As in acceptable, adequate, good, satisfactory....
Kira: You know, maybe that positronic brain implant wasn't such a good idea.

Station Log: The Bajorans and Cardassians have signed a peace treaty. Yeah, this is the first I've heard of it too.

Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Something's wrong with Bareil's brain!
Kira: Can you rebuild him?
Bashir: Are you kidding? Of course I can! Just as long as I don't have any distractions.
Odo: Hey, Doctor. Want to see me do the Cardassian Neck Trick?
Bareil: GAK!
Bashir: Whoops. That was a distraction.

Kira: Well, since you're dead and all I figured I'd keep your stuff. Okay?
(Bareil tries to say it's not okay at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 21, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.