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Five-Minute "Looking For Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"

by Nate the Great

Quark: Want the skinny on the latest installment of As The Station Turns starring the Squabbling O'Briens?
Bashir: I wish I could say I didn't.
Quark: O'Brien and Kira fighting over gender roles and forbidden attractions while Keiko stays oblivious is better than any soap opera. Can you name anything better?
Bashir: I wish I could say I can't.
Quark: I knew I liked you for a reason, Doc.

Dax: I like that you try to stay Klingon even when surrounded by wussy humans.
Worf: What were you saying? I was too busy ogling Grilka.
Dax: I was saying that you're blinder than a Tiberian bat.

Grilka: I'm doing great, except that I'm losing money hand over fist.
Quark: And you didn't come to have me look at your records, did you?
Grilka: Of course not!
Quark: Then it's a good thing I'm doing it anyway, isn't it?

Dax: Would you like a recap of the time Quark led a Klingon house?
Worf: No, I'm just feeling a little blind with lust.
Sisko: When I walk out of my office and hear stuff like that, I'm glad I have a soundproof wall.

O'Brien: I'm having some problems having Kira live with us.
Bashir: A lot of these medicines have to be applied externally; I'm not surprised. How is Keiko taking it?
O'Brien: Better than I am. At least Keiko can make up for my lack of maturity.
Bashir: And this is different from your pre-Kira days... how?
O'Brien: I have another woman to give me a reason to hang out with you.
Bashir: Ah.

Worf: I am Klingon! Hear me roar!
Tumek: Shut up, Worf. You'll never have Grilka. You're an outcast, deal with it.
Worf: Do I have to?
Tumek: Yes, you prune-juice-drinking wuss.
Worf: I am Klingon, hear me sulk.

Dax: If you didn't look so pathetic I'd insult you more for your stupid behavior earlier.
Worf: Growl.
Quark: Hey Dax, help me score with Grilka, would you?
Dax: Well, you should --
Worf: -- bring her dinner and offer to protect her. Bear in mind that if you do the slightest thing wrong, she'll probably kill you.
Quark: Hey, death by jamaharon isn't the worst way to go.

O'Brien: I miss Ireland.
Kira: Then take me along on a vacation.
O'Brien: Okay, I'm massaging you. Please don't freak me out any more, okay?
Kira: I'm sorry, I was letting the massage distract me. What'd you say?

Quark: Hey, thanks for helping me. I totally rocked!
Worf: I'm happy for you. Growl.
Quark: Now tell me how to complete the transaction.
Worf: Grilka is not a transaction; she is a woman whose shoes you are not worthy to be the gum on. Why am I helping you?
Quark: I guess some twisted soul thought playing Pygmalion in reverse was funny.
Worf: They're right. I hate that.

Odo: The Chief's doing a lousy job.
Kira: Don't insult Miles!
Odo: Maybe Sisko had the right idea: stay in your office until the weirdness ends.

Quark: Wanna cuddle in front of your bodyguards?
Grilka: Yeah! Who cares what they think?
Thopok: You're a dead man, Ferengi.
Quark: I think I'm starting to.

Quark: I'm gonna die!
Worf: Good riddance.
Dax: We'll help.
Worf: We will?

Keiko: You look so tense, Nerys. Miles should give you a massage.
Kira: Actually, tomorrow I'm going to Bajor for a vacation.
Keiko: You can't go alone. Miles, you go with her.
O'Brien: Um, actually --
Keiko: Either you have a problem or I'm packing your bags. Which is it?
O'Brien: I'll take Door Number Three, Monty.

Dax: It's so much fun watching you control Quark like a puppet, Worf.
Quark: It is not fun! You almost --
Dax: Go away, Quark. Why are you two obsessing about that woman anyway?
Quark: She's amazing!
Worf: I agree.
Dax: Hey, I'm amazing, too! Where'd everybody go?

Quark: I'm such a cool warrior -- uh oh. Um, can I speechify while my body control gizmo gets fixed?
Grilka: Why not?
Quark: Okay, that's better. Hey you, Thopok, you lose! How cool am I?
Grilka: Very cool. Let's kiss.

Dax: Now that that's over with, let's make out.
Worf: Works for me.

O'Brien: So we're going to an isolated cabin in a romantic forest?
Kira: Yup.
O'Brien: I'm gonna leave now.
Kira: Good idea. You wouldn't like an isolated cabin by a forest stream anyway.
O'Brien: Actually, it'd be great to kayak -- oh yeah, I'd hate it. No question.

Quark: Hey Doc! Guess what we did!
Bashir: I'd really rather not.
Dax: Hey Julian! Guess what we did!
Bashir: I'd really rather not.
Worf: What would you rather do?
Bashir: Jumping out an airlock comes to mind.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 10, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.