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Five-Minute "Sanctuary"

by Sa'ar Chasm

Kira: Quark, I'm extremely busy. What do you want?
Quark: It's about the Bajoran entertainer you made me hire...
Kira: You caused me to miss my perm appointment for this?
Quark: Whose idea was it to hire Vedek Yanni? Everyone's asleep!

Kira: Captain, we've rescued these people from a ship that came careening through the wormhole, but the Universal Translator's on the fritz.
Sisko: Let me try. Hi there.
Haneek: Bah weep grah nah weep ninibong?
Sisko: Where did you hope to end up in that rickety old ship?
Haneek: Inna gadda davida.
Sisko: Is there anything we could help you with?
Haneek: Mumble mumble muzza-wuzza automatic bank machine.
Sisko: Made perfect sense to me.

Kira: And here we have the Circus Maximus. Please keep your hands to yourself.
Tumak: Oo! Ee! Ooh ah ah!
Odo: No, you can't have that.
Tumak: Ting! Tang!
Odo: No, you can't have that either.
Tumak: Walla walla bingbang!
Odo: Why couldn't something simple come through the wormhole... like kender?

Odo: How strange... they seem to be a matriarchal culture.
Sisko: And the men seem utterly subservient to the women.
Kira: I--
Odo: Don't even say it.

Haneek: My people need her aid, and three million are within the limit to come by the worm hole.
Odo: Wait, I think the translator almost got that. Say that again.
Haneek: My people need your help, and three million of them are about to come through the wormhole.
Kira: No, that can't be right. Damn! I thought we were getting somewhere.

Haneek: My people are on a great Exodus. Until recently we were oppressed, but our oppressors were conquered by the Dominion.
Bashir: What's that smell?
Odo: Foreshadowing.
Haneek: Now we are seeking our Promised Land.
O'Brien: I hope it doesn't take forty years.
Bashir: Their leaders are women. They'll stop and ask for directions.

Kira: You sleep with two males? What's that like?
Gai: (offscreen) You're hogging all the blankets!
Cowl: (offscreen) Yeah, well you're snoring.
Gai: Ooh, liar! I am not! (thumps Cowl)
Cowl: Ow! Hanee-EEK!
Haneek: (wincing) Guess.

Haneek: Welcome, you poor, tired flaking masses yearning to breathe without someone else's elbow in your face. You're now free from cruel oppression and mindless bureaucracy.
Odo: Please have your declaration forms signed and filled out in triplicate. No knitting needles permitted on the Promenade.

Nog: (running past) ...hijakeCAN'TTALKNOWgottago...
Tumek: ...comebackI'LLRIPYOURearsoff...
(Nog runs smack into Odo)
Odo: Nog, what did you do to make him so angry at you?
Nog: Well, uh... you know how their skin flakes off? I tried to sell him a dustpan and broom.
Tumek: You're a funny man. I'll kill you last.

Nog: Cool, the new wanted posters are up. This is only reason I like coming to your office. Hey, this guy's got the death sentence in twelve systems.
Odo: He'll be careful.
Nog: He'll be dead!

Crone: Since you found the Eye, you shall be our leader.
Haneek: I'm flattered, but I can't. I lack the wisdom necessary.
Crone: We'll tell you all you need to know about wisdom. It comes in two types. The first is Conventional Wisdom, which everyone agrees is wise by convention.
Haneek: And the second type?
Crone: We'll tell you later.

Nog: My dad is incensed.
Jake: Why?
Nog: I broke Rule of Acquisition #25: Thou shalt not get caught.
Tumak: Hey you! Short and orange!
Nog: (very small) Eep.
Tumek: Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied.

Haneek: I've almost figured out the real name of Kentanna. So far I've got B something J O something.
Kira: Bijou? Never heard of it. Hmm... maybe it's... Bajor. (beat) Bajor? But we couldn't possibly support you! We'd all starve! We're doomed! DOOMED!
Haneek: Oh, stop being so theatrical and help me tell the crones.

Minister: The Provisional Government has considered the Skrreeas' application to settle on Bajor, and we have decided in favour of...
Haneek: (elbows Kira) I have a good feeling about this.
Minister: ...rejection.
Haneek: Wha?

Dax: Haneek's son stole a ship, and now he's spiralling out of control into Bajor's atmosphere.
Sisko: Tell him to deploy the space anchor.
Dax: For the last time, Benjamin, there's no such thing as a space anchor.
Sisko: DS9 to Bajoran ships. Were you able to rescue the boy?
Bajoran: (over the comm) Sorry, sir. The stabilisers on his ship were shot. He just shook apart. There's nothing left but a little pile of dust.
Haneek: Sweep him up and bring him home. We'll give him a decent burial under the rug.

Haneek: Bajor is not Kentanna.
Kira: You're sure?
Haneek: Yes, I've discovered the second type of wisdom: Wisdom of Myth Destruction.
(The Skrreean fleet limps off at Poignant Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 12, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Steven Maguire.