Five-Minute "Strange Bedfellows"
by Andy Taylor

Weyoun: Right then, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah -- get a room, you horny couple.
Ezri: But that was the episode before la--
Weyoun: Lalala, I can't hear you! Lalala--
Damar: Hey! You owe me an explanation about this!
Weyoun: Okay. Look over there quick!
Damar: Huh? Well, I hear running away-type noises; I guess this wall holds all the answers.

Female Shapeshifter: Hi there.
Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
Female Shapeshifter: Shh! That's a secret.

Damar: So, the Breen get all this stuff of mine that I don't know about?
Weyoun: You know, you were a lot more co-operative when you were drunk.
Damar: That reminds me.... (necks a bottle of yamok sauce)
Weyoun: Oh for the love of God!
Damar: Anyway, fancy protecting a planet for me?
Weyoun: (aside) Oh crud. (to Damar) Er, just hold that thought for a sec!

Kai Winn: Hey, fatty, you're eating all my fruit!
Dukat: But I can't get the taste of you out of my mouth!
Kai Winn: What?
Dukat: I mean, did you know that you'll be the leader of Bajor after the restoration?
Kai Winn: Tee he-- Hey, aren't I already?
Dukat: Oh shut up and kiss me! Blech!

Worf: So here we are, just hanging around.
Ezri: One more pun like that and you're a dead man.
Worf: Well, we need to escape.
Ezri: You are so dumb -- didn't you used to be a tactical officer?
Worf: Yes, with "used to be" being the key phrase here.

Sisko: Oh heck, the missus is home!
Kasidy: Ben, honey, are you intimidated by me?
Sisko: Gulp. Er, no. Wanna help me bless some Bajoran mother-wannabes?
Kasidy: HELL NO!
Sisko: Oops, sorry!
Kasidy: Growl.

Ezri: Your fingers are fat!
Worf: Shut up, weakling!
Ezri: Good, now that's settled, wanna try and escape? Ow!
Worf: Ha ha, banged your head, you thicko!
Ezri: Gasp! You slay me with such powerful words -- I shall retaliate with a good "am not!"
Worf: Why I oughta --
Weyoun: Hi there, chumps. Can you confirm some stuff you told us against your will?
Worf: Sure, why not.
Ezri: Worf you idiot!
Weyoun: It includes weepy love letters Ezri wrote to Julian in her sleep.
Worf: Why I oughta --
Weyoun: GAK!
Damar: Ha ha ha, bwahahahaha, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ezri: What?
Damar: Er, I mean how terribly naughty of you. Yes, that will do....

Kai Winn: You know, we've been eating fruit and getting drunk all day now. (Winks suggestively)
Dukat: Ummm....

"Prophet": Tum-ti-tum... Oh look, you're here.
Kai Winn: Hi there, Mr. "Prophet!"
"Prophet": Aha! Gotcha! We're really Pah-Wraiths, baby-cakes!
Kai Winn: Oh flip.

Dukat: What's up now?
Kai Winn: Oh my God, I feel so dirty! What have I done? I need to cleanse my soul!
Dukat: Oh good, finally! A bit of potpourri by the bed will help.

Damar: Ha ha, you died!
Weyoun: Growl.
Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
Damar: Gesundheit.
Weyoun: Damar! I can't believe you'd come out with something as racist as that! And what's that? You feel oppressed by us -- oh the pain, the pain of it all!
Damar: But... I... er... Dammit, that drink looks appealing!

Ezri: Notice how we came up with an escape plan off screen?
Worf: Yes, such a cunning idea -- I can't believe we didn't come up with it earlier. Die Cardassian p'taK!
Ezri: Ooh, weapons! This is all going so well!
Worf: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIE! And you, and you, and -- OW!
Ezri: Dammit Worf, you suck at everything.

Quark: Well, er, this was unexpected.
O'Brien: I know. When was the last time we all had a scene?
Bashir: So who are you pouring that drink for?
Quark: Ezri.
O'Brien: You know she's not back yet?
Quark: Damn this continual story arc!
Bashir: Would you guys mind if I injected a little E/B innuendo here?
O'Brien: Don't waste our precious screen time -- let's drink beer instead!
Bashir: Aw.

Kai Winn: Oh, Prophets, thou art so cool and non-suckiful.
Orb: (Blows raspberry)
Kai Winn: Dammit!
Dukat: Oh, yeah, the Pah-Wraiths sent me.
Kai Winn: Man, I just can't get a break today!

Kira: What do you want?
Kai Winn: The Prophets think I suck.
Kira: Oh, and I suppose you'll want ice cream next? Just unsuckify yourself!
Kai Winn: How?
Kira: I dunno. Maybe not being Kai will help. And the golden rule is never speak to the Pah-Wraiths.
Kai Winn: Oh, double flip!
Kira: That won't win many points. Do a triple back-flip.

Damar: Hey, that planet I love so much has fallen.
Weyoun: Oh, so it has. Well, saving it was on the laundry list, right after un-soiling the Y-fronts -- such stubborn stains....
Damar: That is it! Drink... will... solve... everything! (Checks fridge) NOOOO! I'm all out! Fighting... moral conscience. Must save... prisoners to... further plot... GAH!

Ezri: I so hate you.
Worf: Me too. Hate you, I mean.
Ezri: I know you love Jadzia really, and not me.
Worf: Hey -- that makes sense, you loving Julian and all.
Ezri: No I do n-- Oh, what the hell, I fancy the pants off him.
Worf: Awww, give us a hug!
Ezri: Okay! I love you Wo-- NOOOO! Not again!
Worf: Ha, ha, just kidding!
Damar: And now, it is time to die!
Ezri: Oh, bother.
Jem'Hadar Soldiers: GAK!
Ezri: Did you just miss or are you drunk again?
Damar: Oh, for cryin' out loud! Just go!
Worf: And tell the Federation they have an ally?
Damar: Yeah, whatever... can't think... hungover.

Kai Winn: The Prophets think I suck, therefore I think they suck. However, the Pah-Wraiths don't suck. In conclusion, we shall rule the world together and experience an eternity of making love and such.
Dukat: Oh, that's... great. Yeah.
(Dukat runs at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.