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Five-Minute "Tacking Into the Wind"

by Andy Taylor

Kira: Hey! You blew up that ship wrong!
Rusot: Just how exactly do you blow something up "wrong"?
Kira: Shut up! Your reconnaissance is sloppy!
Rusot: But my officer Bronak is --
Kira: NOOO! Now when I'm tortured naked I'm gonna shout out his name -- think of the humiliation!
Rusot: This is nonsense! You'd have thought that we'd have generated enough angst by now.

Odo: Oh, I'm so ill! The pain, the pain! Oh woe is me, etc.
Garak: What's wrong?
Odo: Nothing. Ahem.
Garak: Oh, is that why your arm just fell off then?

Bashir: This sucks.
O'Brien: Quite. (pause) Huh?
Bashir: The Changeling disease?
O'Brien: Oh yeah. (pause) Huh?
Bashir: (sigh) I can't cure it and everything is hopeless?
O'Brien: Oh yeah! Heh heh. (pause) Huh?

Gowron: Martok sucks -- he lost an easy battle!
Sisko: Well, we did warn you that --
Gowron: PEPPERS!
Sisko: Oh, honestly.

Female Shapeshifter: Man, the Klingons are weak.
Weyoun: So weak that they make the Cardassians look like a real problem?
Female Shapeshifter: Oh yeah, forgot about Damar. Let's kill his wife and children.
Weyoun: He has those?
Female Shapeshifter: Oh, shut up. I'd kill you if your contract didn't expire until --
Weyoun: NO! We need to have some surprise for the future!
Female Shapeshifter: Then may I ask why you came to work in those moving blue antennae?

Kira: Hmm... if we supplied Starfleet with a Breen weapon, they could develop a countermeasure.
Rusot: I don't think you know our motto: "Free Cardassia, not Starfleet."
Kira: I don't think you know my motto: "Regular characters are more important than semi-regular ones."
Rusot, Damar and Garak: Gulp.
Kira: Heh heh.
Garak: Oh, by the way, Odo's really, really sick.
Kira: Ahem. "Regular characters are more important than --"
Garak: Oh. Gotcha.

Worf: I think that Gowron is a big stupid head who is soooo stupid that he can't see past his large, glazed eyes. That are stupid-looking.
Sisko: Okay. I thought that he was just jealous of Martok.
Worf: That's what we're talking about?

Rusot: I think you're only here to kill Cardassians.
Kira: Gee, what a clever plan, wish it was what I really wanted to do --
Rusot: Why I oughta --
Kira: Hiiii-ya! My, lookie here, a Cardassian in my hands. Hehehe...

Martok: Worf, sanity check: we can't kill our leader during a war. We'd have no leader!
Worf: Oh shut up. People could worship you as their leader!
Martok: Look -- no, means no, means no, means no, means no!
Worf: So that's a maybe then?

Garak: Oh heck -- Damar, your family's dead.
Damar: I have one?
Kira: YES! Yes you do! And the Dominion has killed it just like the Cardassians killed families during the occupation!
Garak: Wow, that was deep.
Kira: Just milking the scene's emotional context. Wanna go shoot things now?

Worf: ...and thus concludes my horrific moral dilemma.
Ezri: Well that was cheating -- you could have at least said something. I think the Klingon Empire is dying and deserves to die!
Worf: Way to build my morale.
Ezri: No! I mean that everything's corrupt -- go take on Gowron!
Worf: I don't know....
Ezri: "Regular characters are more important than --"
Worf: All right, all right!

Garak: Hello. We are a band of normal Cardassians who are not terrorists. Nope, honest!
Cardassian Guard: Well, sounds plausible enough -- oh hi, Legate Damar! My name is John and I am such a fan! Can you sign this for me?

Vorta Captain: How odd -- a prisoner I know nothing about. I'll allow it though.
"Female Shapeshifter": Oh, er, hello. I'd, er, like to torture that prisoner and, er, inspect that weapon.
Jem'Hadar Soldier: Well all right, but I'm not a fan of those quote marks -- GAK!
Other Dominion Officers: GAK!
Kira: Dead people... all around... I... have... power....
Odo: Oh crud -- the weapon isn't installed yet.
Kira: ...or... possibly... Shatner-itis... crap....

O'Brien: Hmm. Let's trick Section 31 into coming to the station and we can steal a cure for Odo!
Bashir: It took a whole episode just to come up with an idea like that?
O'Brien: Just wait till the next one.

Gowron: And now for my latest futile plan, filled with illogic bordering on the dishonourable side.
Worf: That's it! No Trek reference can save you now -- I challenge you to a duel!
Gowron: Ooo... er... take this!
Worf: HEY! You... threw me through glass? Me? ME?
Gowron: Uh oh....
Gowron: GAK!
Worf: And thus the body count continues to increase.
Idiotic Klingon Puppets: All hail Chancellor Worf! Hooray!
Worf: Hell no! I am a regular character -- this type of responsibility belongs to someone who'll still give a damn next episode!

Kira: Tum-ti-tum, killing time....
Odo: Tum-ti-tum, trying not to die....
Rusot: Kira must die!
Garak: Rusot must die!
Damar: Odo must die!
Odo: Hey, I'm ill!
Damar: Er, I mean, er....
Rusot: GAK!
All except Damar: Huh?
Damar: Can I be a regular now? I'm getting scared! Please?

Odo: Please don't hate me for hiding my true form from you.
Kira: If you hadn't, I'd have killed your ugly @$$ a hundred times over by now.
(Odo deteriorates at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.