Home Prev 5MD: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "The Die is Cast"

by Derek Dean

Bashir: Take the Caesar play, for example. Who stabs someone only 23 times?
O'Brien: (chomp chomp) Stabbing? I thought it was about salad. (glug glug glug) Now I'd better get back to work.
Bashir: Come on, Chief. I need some intellectual stimulation now that Garak's not here. Pleeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!
O'Brien: I think I liked you better when I hated you.

Dax: A Romulan Galor-class ship is decloaking.
Sisko: A what?
Dax: Sorry, Commander. I meant a Cardassian D'deridex.
Spock: Intelligence reports Romulans now using Cardassian design.
Dax: Thanks, pointless cameo man!

Tain: I need you to torture Odo.
Garak: Aw, do I hafta?
Tain: You used to love torturing people, Garak. What happened?
Garak: I got cursed with a soul.

Odo: Well, I hope you're happy; you've betrayed me so that you can return home.
Garak: Actually, I am pretty happy.
Odo: So much for reverse psychology.

Toddman: (over the comm) Your orders are not to enter the Gamma Quadrant in a futile effort to save Odo.
Sisko: So what are my orders?
Toddman: What, do I have to think of everything? Go... catch a chicken.

Sisko: I'm going to take the Defiant into the Gamma Quadrant in an effort to save Odo.
Eddington: Uh, Admiral Toddman just told you not to.
Sisko: He only said a futile effort. I'm going to succeed.

O'Brien: All systems go.
Kira: Admiral Toddman just sent us a message saying that if we go into the Gamma Quadrant we are betraying our oath, our duty, and him.
Sisko: What a load of crap. Like anyone would ever say something so melodramatic.

Tain: We need to know if there are defenses around the Founders' planet. Go interrogate Odo and see if he knows anything.
Garak: Do I have to interrogate him? Can't I just frown disapprovingly?
Tain: I'm starting to think you're infatuated with him. Maybe I should find someone more trustworthy. Someone like Colonel Lovok here.

Dax: Aah! We're decloaking!
Eddington: Yeah, I sabotaged it. Sorry.
Sisko: I can't believe you betrayed me!
Eddington: Hey, I'm really sorry. I was under orders.
Sisko: Aw, that's okay, Eddington. I just can't seem to stay mad at you.

Garak: I've come to torture you.
Odo: Uh, you can't torture me, I won't stay solid.
Garak: Don't be so sure about that. I plan to apply lots of pressure.

Garak: I'm up to 47 atms at the moment. Sure you don't want to tell me your secret?
Odo: What secret, Lex?
Garak: 48 atms.
Odo: All right! All right! My secret is that I want to return to my people! It crushes me to have to tell you that.
Garak: Nah, it's probably just all the extra pressure.

O'Brien: Okay, fixed the cloaking device. Can we go now?
Sisko: Not yet.
Sisko: Okay, now!

Garak: I wasn't able to get anything from him.
Tain: Come on. He obviously had a secret. You sure you don't have a crush on him?
Garak: Not anymore. I returned his quarters to normal pressure.

Lovok: Why are you helping Odo? You're destroying a perfectly good stereotype my people have.
Garak: About Cardassians?
Lovok: About solids.

Pilot: We've reached the Founder homeworld.
Tain: FIRE!
Lovok: I wonder if there are any implications to yelling fire in a theatre of war.
Tain: It's not crowded.
Pilot: 150 Jem'Hadar ships have just appeared.
Tain: Crap.

Jem'Hadar Ship: ZOOM ZOOM!
Jem'Hadar Ship: ZOOM ZOOM!
Cardassian Ship: BOOM!
Romulan Ship: BOOM!
Tain: What the heck is this manuever called?
Lovok: It's called rump shaker.

Garak: We've got to get off this crappy Romulan ship, Odo.
Odo: Why don't you say that a little louder for Lovok's benefit?
Lovok: Don't worry. I'm actually a Founder.
Garak: Aaah! Are you going to kill us?
Lovok: No. Because no Changeling has ever harmed another.
Odo: Why did you say it like that?
Lovok: Seemed important.

Garak: Tain, you have to come with me!
Tain: Actually, I'd rather go down with the ship in a delusional stupor.
Garak: But what if they capture you and put you on a penal colony?
Tain: Pfft. Like that'd ever happen.

Odo: I don't think we're going to make it.
Garak: Well, in that case, I'm sorry for just about everything I ever did.
Defiant: We're here to save you.
Garak: And now I take it back.

Dax: The Jem'Hadar ships are still ZOOM ZOOMing.
Sisko: Let's see if we can't put a little BOOM BOOM in their ZOOM ZOOM room.
Dax: I'm going to assume you mean for me to take out their engines.

Sisko: ...And that's when we decided to stop listening to rock music on rogue missions.
Toddman: (over the comm) It'd be nice to have even a semblance of coherence from you once in a while.

Garak: Sigh. I guess it's back to the old tailor shop.
Odo: Well, maybe you'll be able to have a fire sale.
Garak: I wonder if it's a bad idea to yell "Fire Sale" in a crowded Promenade.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: Improbable Cause
Next fiver: Explorers


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, Derek Dean.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Deep Space Nine
___ ___ Season 3
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Die is Cast"

This fiver was originally published on June 21, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.