Five-Minute "The Jem'Hadar"
by Derek Dean

Sisko: Hey, Jake. Whatcha doing for your science project?
Jake: I'm, uh, studying the scientific properties of fermentation?
Sisko: Nice try. Why don't we do a father-son outing to the Gamma Quadrant?
Jake: Only if Nog can come along.
Sisko: Ahem. Father-son outing.
Jake: Great idea! I'll invite Quark too.
Sisko: But --
Jake: Say something else and I'll invite Bashir along.
Sisko: Sigh.

Nog: Cool! I'm in a runabout! Can I pilot it?
Sisko: Pilot it? You're not even a cadet!
Nog: Yet.

Quark: I'm glad I have this chance to talk to you, Commander.
Sisko: No, Quark. I'm not letting you install pop-up ads on the station's computers.
Quark: But what if someone really wants an XCam?
Sisko: I think I'm going to leave before I hit you.

Quark: You hate Ferengi, don't you? You think they're all just greedy trolls who just ramble on and on and on....
Sisko: I'm beginning to. Besides, we were warned about the Ferengi at the Academy.
Quark: Warned about Ferengi, were you? Slurs about --
Eris: (over the comm) Did someone order a random interruption?
Sisko: Over here.
Talak'Talan: (over the comm) Did someone order an unstoppable adversary?
Sisko: Yep. That was me too.

Jake: Where did my dad go?
Nog: Who cares?
Jake: Me. I don't know what I'd do if my dad just disappeared suddenly.
Nog: Probably obsess about him for the rest of your life.

Sisko: So who are these guys?
Eris: They're the Jem'Hadar, the soldier part of the Dominion.
Sisko: And who are you?
Eris: I'm a Vort-- I mean, my name is Eris.

Quark: Let me out, let me out!
Talak'Talan: Shut up, stupid Ferengi.
Sisko: Why won't you let us out?
Talak'Talan: The Founders said not to.
Sisko: Founders, schmounders. If the Founders told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Talak'Talan: Yes.
Sisko: Hm. This may not be as easy as I hoped.

Jake: Computer, can you beam up Quark and my dad?
Computer: That sure would end the dramatic tension early, wouldn't it?
Nog: Computer, take us back to DS9.
Computer: Hm. Let me think about it... no.
Jake: How come when aliens take over the ship, they can get the computer to comply, but we can't?
Computer: It's because I hate you.
Jake: I knew it!

Talak'Talan: We captured Sisko and Quark. There will be a high price to pay if you want to get them back.
Kira: How much for just Sisko?
Talak'Talan: More than if you get both of them back.
Kira: Crap.

Keogh: I'm going to get Sisko. None of you need to come with me.
Jadzia: Hey, Picard would let us come along.
Keogh: I'm not Picard.
Jadzia: True. His ship won't be destroyed until next season.

Jake: Crap. Where's Wesley Crusher when you need him?
Nog: I'll pretend you didn't just say that.
Jake: Well, we need some sort of deus ex machina and right now I'm even willing to deal with Wesley.
O'Brien: (over the comm) Deus Ex Machina to Runabout. Trust me, you don't mean that.

Quark: Ha! Picked the lock. Quark 1, Eris 0, Sisko 0!
Eris: Ha! Shorted out the forcefield. Quark 1, Eris 1, Sisko 0!
Sisko: Ha! Knocked out a guard. Quark 1, Eris 1, Sisko 1!
Quark: Ha! Killed another guard. Quark 2, Eris 1, Sisko 1!
Eris: I don't think this three-person scoring system is working out well.
Quark: Shh. I'm winning!

Jem'Hadar: (over the comm) This is the Jem'Hadar ship Poseidon hailing the Odyssey.
Keogh: This does not bode well.

Quark: Quark 5, gasp, pant. Eris, gasp, 7, I mean, 6, pant, pant, --
Eris: I think we should leave Quark behind due to his attempts to keep score.
Sisko: Ha! Quark 5, Eris 8, Sisko --
Eris: Sigh.
Transporter: Whoosh!
Sisko: -- 6!

Jem'Hadar: Perhaps it is a good day to die. Prepare for ramming speed!
Keogh: All hands abandon ship! Repeat, all hands abandon --
Ship: BOOM!
O'Brien: Why would the Jem'Hadar do something like that?
Sisko: Simple cause and effect if you ask me.

Eris: Thanks for rescuing me.
Sisko: No problem. By the way, you're under arrest.
Odo: If you'll just come with me.
Eris: Oh my gosh! You're a Founder!
Everyone: Gasp!
Sisko: Ahem, that's next season's big reveal.
Eris: Oh, right. In that case, um, "We're the Dominion!"
Everyone: Gasp!
(The season ends at Ludicrous Speed.)

THE END

Previous fiver: Tribunal
Next fiver: The Search I

Links:

• Trek Nation guide page
• Printable version

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, Derek Dean.

Site navigation:
Home
___ Five-Minute Deep Space Nine
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Jem'Hadar"