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Five-Minute "The Search I"

by Marc Richard

Sisko: If the Dominion comes through the wormhole, the first battle will be fought here...and I intend to be ready for them.
Kira: Chief, will you stop playing Commander Sisko's last log entry and concentrate on these tactical simulation results?
O'Brien: Major, they all show the Jem'Hadar taking over DS9 in about three minutes. I'm trying to raise my morale any way I can.
Dax: Keep your chin up, Chief. When Benjamin left, he promised he'd get us all the equipment upgrades we need to meet this threat.
Bashir: I just hope he meant something more substantial than these fancy new Starfleet comm badges that arrived yesterday.

Console: Bleee-oop! Bleee-oop!
Dax: I'm picking up a massive subspace surge...and I'm receiving a message from Commander Sisko!
Kira: Huh? Where is he?
Odo: Probably in the large spacecraft that's hovering just outside the window over there.
Kira: Oh. Viewscreen on.
Sisko: (over the comm) Hello everyone. I've brought back a little surprise for the Dominion.
O'Brien: Wow. It must be something really hush-hush if you had to deliver it here in a cloaked Federation starship.

Sisko: The Defiant is a prototype warship that was intended to fight the Borg. It's got the muscle we need, but it also has a few design flaws which O'Brien will need to correct before we take it into the Gamma Quadrant.
O'Brien: The schematics look pretty radical, sir. All I see are lots of heavy weapons and a huge engine. Where are the life-support systems and the Bridge?
Sisko: Like I said, it has a few design flaws....

Sisko: This is Subcommander T'Rul, who'll operate and guard the Romulan cloaking device on the Defiant.
Eddington: And I'm Lieutenant Commander Eddington, the new chief of security for everything else around here.
Odo: I'm insulted! It's the Dominion which the Federation should be suspicious of, not shapeshifters like me!
Eddington: Sorry old chap...but the head of Starfleet, Admiral Duncan, says there's no art to tell the mind's construction in a face like yours.
Odo: Whereas I suppose you're a man in whom he places an absolute trust.
Eddington: Of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go unpack my collection of Victor Hugo novels.

Sisko: We're going to try to make peaceful contact with the Founders. Since you've already negotiated a trade agreement with the Karemma, I want you to come along.
Quark: No way! I refuse and you can't force me, so would you like me to tell you what you can kiss?
Sisko: (holding out the Grand Nagus' staff) I was about to ask you the same question.
Quark: Gasp! How did you get that? The Nagus would never let anyone take away his exalted symbol of office!
Sisko: All he did was lend it to me. I let him keep my baseball as collateral.

Sisko: Do the Defiant's medical facilities meet with your approval, Doctor?
Bashir: They do not. Not only is it like working in a damn computer centre, but the place is only big enough to have one bio-bed.
Sisko: I don't see what the problem is. That's enough to accommodate ten percent of the entire crew.

Bashir: We're pretty tight for quarters, Odo. I'm afraid that you'll have to bunk with Quark.
Quark: This is outrageous! This room is already overcrowded with just me in it.
Odo: I agree. Who in their right mind would build a ship so packed with weapons that it doesn't have space for proper living quarters?
Bashir: I've been told the design came from a family business that's been submitting proposals to Starfleet for nearly two centuries. I'm sure the current president of Reed Enterprises must be pleased that his company finally made a sale.

Dax: Two Jem'Hadar warships are heading towards us. They may be detecting us despite our cloak.
T'Rul: Drop out of warp. It will make us less noticeable.
O'Brien: That may not be enough. For a small ship, the Defiant has a very large energy signature.
Sisko: Could we eliminate our energy signature by cutting main power?
O'Brien: You mean the circuits that power everything, including the cloaking device? Sure.
Dax: Internal sensors are now picking up a sharp rise in sarcasm levels.

Ornithar: We Karemma do not know if the Founders actually exist. All we know is that the Jem'Hadar are the Dominion's grunts and that the Vorta are the Dominion's middle managers.
Sisko: Surely the existence of middle managers implies the existence of chief executives...in this case, the Founders.
Ornithar: Nonsense. Everyone knows that in any organization middle managers always run everything, so why would the Vorta need bosses?

Kira: Why did Starfleet replace Odo as chief of security?
Sisko: He's not a team player. As a baseball fan, I can see Starfleet's viewpoint on the matter.
Kira: So you're just going to let him leave after this mission?
Sisko: He has to want to stay. And from the way he's been acting since he saw the Omarion Nebula on the Karemma star-chart, I suspect he's considering a new career in astronomy.

Sisko: Sisko to Dax -- some Jem'Hadar fighters are approaching Callinon VII. How are you and O'Brien doing with the logs of the automated Dominion relay station down there?
Dax: (over the comm) It was surprisingly easy to access them. We discovered a file right away that says, "He who is brave and pure of spirit may find the Vorta on the planet of AAAHHHHH!"
T'Rul: Transmission has been cut off. We should abandon them to their fate -- the needs of the mission outweigh the needs of the two.
Sisko: None of my people are expendable! Besides, we don't yet know where to look for the Vorta!
T'Rul: Yes we do. The charts show a planet "Aaahhhhh" only five light-years from here on course one-seven-three mark fourteen.
Sisko: Sigh. Let's go.

Odo: I need a shuttlecraft! There's a strange instinct drawing me to the Omarion Nebula and I can't resist it.
Kira: Odo, I know you often swim against the current in matters of station policy, but this is taking the salmon metaphor a bit too far.
Odo: My mind is made up! I'm going, and nothing short of the Defiant being blown apart is going to stop me!

T'Rul: We're under attack! The Jem'Hadar have figured out how to detect us!
Sisko: Then we'll settle this like men! Drop the cloak and fire at the lead enemy ship!
Defiant: ZapZapZapZapZapZapZapZapZapZap!
Jem'Hadar Fighter: KER-BLAM!
Sisko: Well done! Reload and target the next ship!
T'Rul: I will gladly do so if you tell me where the reload button is.
Sisko: This is one hell of a time to be pointing out another design flaw, Subcommander!

Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Charge!
Sisko: Doctor, why do you suppose (OOMPF!) the Jem'Hadar (WHACK!) are using their rifles as clubs (PUNCH!) instead of firing them?
Bashir: Maybe they want (ZOWIE!) to settle this (URK!) like men, with their fists!
Sisko: My own words are (BIF!) coming back to haunt m-- (KA-POW!)
Bashir: Oooh, that one's going to leave a nasty bruis-- (CRACK!)

Jem'Hadar Soldiers: Charge...but only at her!
Kira: Why are they (WHUMP!) attacking just me (OOOOF!) but letting you (THWACK!) beat them up?
Odo: I wish to God (CRUNCH!) that I knew!
Kira: Maybe I can somehow (SMASH!) use that to my advantag-- (THUD!)

Kira: Oh, my head! Where am I?
Odo: I got us aboard a shuttlecraft. We're in the Omarion Nebula heading towards a rogue planet I've just detected.
Kira: You left the Defiant dead in space under enemy attack? Where's your sense of loyalty?
Odo: Ask me that after I've spawned, or whatever.

Odo: According to this instrument, we should walk towards that strange amber-coloured lake over there.
Kira: Instrument? Odo, that's not a tricorder, that's the odometer from the shuttlecraft's instrument panel. Of what possible use....
(Several shapeshifters rise out of the lake and assume humanoid form)
Odo: I rest my case.


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This fiver was originally published on June 18, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Marc Richard.