Five-Minute "'Til Death Do Us Part"
by Andy Taylor

Jake: So why can't you marry my new mommy, daddy?
Sisko: Because my mommy said so.
Jake: Sucks to be you!
Sisko: Shut up!

Kai Winn: Ha ha! You're getting married!
Sisko: You're not making me feel better.
Kai Winn: Oh, and I want to perform the ceremony.
Sisko: Gah!
Kai Winn: What?
Sisko: Oh, er, the Prophets are saying nasty things.
Kai Winn: Sucks to be you!
Sisko: Shut up!

Kai Winn: Argh! Scary Prophets! Oh, er, I mean, yay!
"Prophet:" Cryptic nonsense will guide something at you for some reason. Land is good.
Kai Winn: Say, what's with the quote marks? Are you some kind of imposter?
"Prophet:" Nonsense! NONSEEEEEENSE....

Kira: What's wrong?
Kai Winn: The Prophets spoke to me.
Kira: Sucks to be you!
Kai Winn: Not as far as you know.

Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
Worf: Hmmm, we need to escape the Breen.
Ezri: Duh! Well, your last plan to dress up as an Orion Slave Girl and entice them didn't work.
Worf: At least I love you, Jadzia.
Ezri: (sigh) And I've only been promoted once since I got here? So unfair.

Weyoun: We're doing stuff without telling you. Ha!
Damar: I'm so appalled that I'm going to do nothing but drink.
Weyoun: Nice set of morals you got there.

Damar: I've done everything you asked for, blindly as usual.
Dukat: Blind drunk, knowing you.
Damar: (hic) Sorry, didn't (hic) catch that (hic) last comment. (hic)

Kasidy: Oh, I can't wait to be married, I can't wait 'till married life, getting married will be the happiest day of my life, how I do love marriage, why I --
Sisko: Look! I can't marry you -- my mommy doesn't like you.
Kasidy: You totally, 100%, completely suck.
Sisko: Hey! I have feelings too!

Worf: Ezri, wake up, you're dreaming!
Ezri: Phew! Julian was chasing me down this corridor, and we got down and did --
Worf: Quick, someone interrogate me!

Dukat: Hi, I'm Gul Dukat, but you can call me farm-impostor-guy.
Kai Winn: Oo, did the Prophets send you?
Dukat: Well, I'm meant to be all dumb and innocent, but... yes?
Kai Winn: Yippee, let's be lovers and stuff.
Dukat: Yeesh, how gullible are you?

Solbor: You can just tell that I don't like you.
Dukat: And I don't like you, my close-advisor-type rival.
Kai Winn: So, you came here to see me, huh? Do you like middle-aged Academy Award winners?
Dukat: Ugh... yes?
Kai Winn: Tee hee!

Sisko: You totally, 100%, completely suck. And for that matter, so does everything else!
Kira: Oo, break up with Kasidy?
Sisko: Yeah. (sniff)
Kira: Well, the Prophets are cool. Never forget that.
Sisko: What? No sympathy?
Kira: Fine, I'll get the ice cream, but you can pay.

Female Shapeshifter: Are we there yet?
Weyoun: No.
Female Shapeshifter: Are we there yet?
Weyoun: No.
Female Shapeshifter: Are we there yet?
Weyoun: No. Hang on -- where are we going again?
Female Shapeshifter: Shut up, you're spoiling the ominous atmosphere!

Ezri: Ha ha, your turn for a nightmare!
Worf: I believe I'm growing to dislike you again.
Ezri: That's a cue for me to get interrogated.
Worf: Hey, why are you all poking me? You didn't poke her!
Breen: Blah... Mwuh... Ugh... Mwar... Blurgh. (Belch.)
Worf: I know you are but what am I?

Dukat: The Emissary sucks.
Kai Winn: I know. Let's make out!
Dukat: Er....

Quark: Here's the expensive ring you wanted for Kasidy, just don't let it go and influence your decision of whether to marry her or not. Though it is really expensive. And shiny.
Sisko: Ooo, shiny....

Ezri: (dreaming) Julian, Julian, Julian, Julian, Julian, Julian.
Worf: You know, I think you like Julian.
Ezri: Do not. Where would you get such a ridiculous Julian? Er, idea.

Dukat: Hello. I'm relentlessly approaching you to get me on your side.
Kai Winn: I wuv you.
Dukat: That'll do pig, that'll do.
Kai Winn: Call me Adomi.
Dukat: A dummy? Okay.

Sisko: Oh, Kasidy, I'm sorry -- marry me!
Kasidy: Okay!
Quark: Dammit, my token scene wasted again!

Admiral Ross: Kasidy, do you take Benjamin Sisko to be your lawfully wedded half-man, half-Prophet type thing?
Kasidy: I do.
Admiral Ross: Ditto to you, Ben.
Sisko: I d--

Sarah Prophet: You're silly.
Sisko: Yeah, I know. I love you mommy.
Sarah Prophet: I love you too, sonny-boy.
Sisko: So then, is "Prophet" your maiden name?

Sisko: I do!
Admiral Ross: Ta da, you're married. Allow the war of marital rights to commence!
All: Yay!

Damar: What's happening? Tell me now, hobbit-face!
Weyoun: Wrong franchise. Anyway, the episode's almost over, can't you just wait?

Ezri: I don't love Julian.
Worf: I don't love you.
Ezri: You suck!
Breen: Blah...Mwuh...Ugh...Mwar...Blurgh. (Belch.)
(Transporter beam)
Weyoun: Hi there, new allies, prisoners, etc.
Ezri: What? A cliffhanger? Again? Don't leave me with Worf, please! Hey!
(Suspense kills all at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.