Five-Minute "When It Rains..."
by Andy Taylor

O'Brien: Well, we believe that one ship survived the battle through a CGI mixup.
Sisko: One out of 312 ships. 10 to 1 says it was the Enterprise.
Admiral Ross: The Klingon fleet is the only thing protecting us from the Dominion right now.
Token Romulan: NOOOO! We're doomed, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
Sisko: Don't worry; Damar's resistance group will help.
Token Romulan: NOOOO! We're doomed, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!
Admiral Ross: Who the hell is this guy anyway?

Kira: Oh? And why do I have to help Damar? He worked his way up to Legate -- you think he'd know what he was doing...
Sisko: Ahem. It's called "giving you something useful to do."
Kira: But he killed Ziyal!
Sisko: Oh yeah, Garak liked her too. Take him also.
Kira: Sir? Do you want Damar dead?
Sisko: So sue me.

Bashir: I need a goo donation.
Odo: Really? But goo makes me go!
Bashir: Quit whining, I plan to use it resourcefully.

Kai Winn: Oh, Solbor was a lovely man; I would never kill him, mutilate his body and use him as a hat stand. Ahem.
Guard: Duh, okay. Me cwever and happeee now.
Dukat: So where's the body?
Kai Winn: Look, I don't have a collection of hat stands for nothing, you know.

Sisko: You're going with Kira to help the resistance.
Garak: But Cardassians don't like Bajorans.
Sisko: That's a bit of an understatement. We're therefore making her a Starfleet officer.
Admiral Ross: Oh, very clever. Maybe we should put bunny ears on her too?
Sisko: I see you've been briefed.

Rusot: Ahem. Our rebellion has only been running for an episode and we're almost out of supplies.
Damar: Look, I don't care how much energy it saps -- just keep the "This is not a secret Cardassian rebellion headquarters" sign running. It's our only defense measure!

Gowron: Hmmm, I'm one of Worf's enemies, the series is nearly over... I don't suppose anyone's seen a list around here with my name on it?
Worf: Why else do you think I called you here?

Bashir: I think Ezri's avoiding me for some reason.
O'Brien: Yeah, because that makes sense.
Ezri: Hiya.
Bashir: Hi.
Bashir: Well....
Computer: Attention: a diversion is causing a serious diversion! Please be diverted -- awkwardness dissolving in five seconds!

Odo: So I'm ill?
Bashir: You got it. Later.
Kira: Awww.

Dukat: My what a pretty book this -- argh! My eyes!
Kai Winn: Hey! Why are you looking at my copy of Vogue?
Dukat: Articles... too bland... colours... argh!
Kai Winn: Tee hee!

Gowron: I cut my hand because you're good.
Martok: I cut my hand in agreement.
Sisko: I cut my hand for -- what?
Gowron: Well, now that the niceties are done with -- I'm assuming control of the fleet.
Worf: Oh he is so on the list.

Bashir: I need to see Odo's medical files!
Starfleet Officer #1: Nope.
Bashir: As above.
Starfleet Officer #2: Nope.
Bashir: As above with a cherry on top?
Starfleet Officer #3: Hmmm. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -- NOPE!
Bashir: Why I oughta... gripegripegripegripegripegripe!

Damar: Hello old, er, friends. I mean, enemies. I mean --
Kira: Just by staring I could kill eight of you.
Rusot: Grrrr.
Odo: Well this is tense.

Kira: Well, one problem you have here is that all of your men are still here doing nothing.
Odo: Now, we may have to kill some Cardassians --
Rusot: I object -- it is blasphemous! You just have blood lust!
Kira: And? Er, I mean, I killed Bajorans during the Occupation, so --
Rusot: Blood lust! Revenge! Illogical! Futile!
Kira: Right. Where's that list?

Bashir: Hey! They sent me a false medical report!
O'Brien: Section 31 did it.
Bashir: Does that even make any sense?
O'Brien: Ahem. I believe we have a plot to further.
Bashir: Okay. Hey, we could hop into someone's brain for answers!
O'Brien: Please. We'll never get that desperate.

Martok: Gowron must suck if he thinks I suck.
Worf: You know, I've barely said two words all episode; why should I raise an argument now?

Rusot: Odo was a collaborator!
Kira: Well you're a big fat pig!
Odo: Stop it, you two!
Garak: You're lucky she didn't eat you alive.
Kira: He's just lucky I'm a veggie.

Odo's Hand: I'm ill and flaky.
Odo: Yeah, well maybe I could survive without you! Good God, I'm talking to my hands.
Odo's Feet: You are so screwed!

Dukat: Is that you a-dummy? Hello?
Kai Winn: Boo!
Dukat: Argh! (sniff)
Kai Winn: Now get out on the streets and beg -- the Pah Wraiths are a-punishing you, boy!
Dukat: I believe that you're just acting on your hate of me.
Kai Winn: Bite me, blind-y.

Gowron: I have a brilliant idea to beat the Dominion. We're going to fight them alone, leaving us outnumbered 20 to 1.
Martok: Fantastic.
Gowron: Don't you dishonour me with your sarcasm.

Quark: Here's some coffee to keep you awake. I'm sure Odo would appreciate it.
O'Brien: Well, duh!
Bashir: Holy crap! Section 31 infected Odo when he was at Starfleet Medical three years ago! We have to stop them!
O'Brien: Okay! Stop them from what?
Bashir: From trying to take over the world!
O'Brien: Dammit, can't they find something else to do every night?
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.