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Five-Minute "Two Days and Two Nights"

by Zeke

Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: Yes! We just now entered orbit of Risa. During the trip, you asked me that question a total of 441 times. Now you can LEAVE ME ALONE!
Tucker: ....So are we there, or what?

Archer: Well, T'Pol, I'm off. Can I trust you with the ship?
T'Pol: No.
Archer: Who cares? It's vacation time! Come on, Porthos, let's go!
Porthos: Ruff?
Archer: Of course it'll be here when we get back. We can trust T'Pol.

Reed: Got any plans, Hoshi?
Sato: None, besides not under any circumstances doing the nasty.
Reed: Well, Trip and I will be making complete studs of ourselves. We plan to hook up with the first suspicious babes we can find.
Tucker: Doesn't that sound cool? "Suspicious babes."
Sato: Well, I envy you two. And by envy I mean pity.

Phlox: There's something I should tell you, Subcommander. Remember the hibernation cycle I mentioned?
T'Pol: Vaguely. I thought you were just trying to sound interesting.
Phlox: Well, I should inform you that ZZZZZZZZZ
T'Pol: That what?
Cutler: He's asleep, sir.
T'Pol: Well, great. Now I'll never know what he was going to tell me.

Tucker: Check out my suit!
Reed: You look bloody ridiculous. I want one.

Porthos: RUFF! Grrrrrr....
Archer: Porthos? What are you -- oh my God, the Aibo's back!
Keyla: Oh, sorry about that. He must have snuck up here somehow. I'm Keyla and this is my dog, Obia.
Archer: So he's using a pseudonym now, is he? Lady, you don't know what you're dealing with. That Aibo is bad, bad news. He nearly destroyed my ship!
Keyla: You have your own ship? Now there's a turn-on.
Archer: You're missing the -- oh, but why mess with it? I haven't had a date since 2140....

Risian Woman: Uyo resu eaksp rou nguagela llwe rfo meoneso owh arnedle it irtyth condsse goa.
Sato: 'Sti rprisinglysu syea enwh u'reyo me.
Ravis: At last! I have searched the world over for a creature whose language skill rivals my own. Now, at last, that search is over.
Sato: Gave up, eh? Can't blame you.
Ravis: Sigh... well, I never said her mind had to rival mine.

Babe 1: You're cute.
Babe 2: So are you.
Tucker: (Pssst... Malcolm, are they coming on to us or each other?)
Reed: (Us, fool!) Good day, ladies. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Reed -- Malcolm Reed.
Tucker: And I'm Charles... um... Dickens. Yeah.

Archer: You're certainly an accomplished stargazer.
Keyla: It'll do till I find some bigger enterprise. Hey Jon, what's that?
Archer: That is the constellation Leo.
Keyla: No... that.
Archer: Why, that's -- holy crap! Archer to Enterprise: someone's firing on the surface!
T'Pol: (over the comm) Not me. And Reed is still on the planet, isn't he?
Archer: Then there's only one possibility. Send a heavily-armed security team to the torpedo tubes and tell them to prepare to fight... the Aibo.
T'Pol: The Aibo's back? Oh NO! We're all doomed!
Keyla: Look, I'm really getting annoyed at the way you keep sidelining me in my own subplot....

Sato: You look familiar. Are your people related to the Denobulans at all?
Ravis: Hmm... being ripoffs of the same race makes us cousins once removed, I think.
Sato: Interesting. I'd love to learn your language....
Ravis: Are you sure? It's bone-crunchingly difficult.
Sato: Well, it can't be harder than Klingon. Anybody who can speak that has way too much spare time.

Tucker: So then I said to Jon, "Mirage, eh? Mirage THIS!" And I punched him in the face!
Babe 1: You two are really something. Trip's been president... Reed slew the mighty Aibo with his bare hands....
Babe 2: You've both hit your captain at least six times....
Reed: Yep, we're pretty happenin' guys. It's no wonder Time magazine picked us both for Man of the Year.
Babe 1: Well, I think it's time to go downstairs and have a little fun. Of the "us tying you up and taking your clothes" variety.
Tucker: Those are the sweetest, most ambiguous words I've heard all year.

Mayweather: Oh, the pain!
Cutler: Here, let me... heheheh... get you something... heh... for that... heheheheh....
Mayweather: It would really help if you'd stop laughing!
T'Pol: Heheheheheheh... sorry, Ensign. You shouldn't have told us about the cliff changing shape to spell out "Travis is a loser." Oh, my sides....

Tucker: I gotta say, this result doesn't exactly meet my great expectations.
Reed: Don't give up so easily. Maybe the girls just wanted a break after tying us up.
Tucker: They've been gone for nineteen hours! And they're criminals! And they're men!
Reed: Oh ye of little faith. It was you who taught me optimism in the first place, remember?
Tucker: I didn't teach it to you, I traded it for your pessimism!
Reed: And a very good trade it was.
Tucker: No it wasn't.

Ravis: ....weretheborogovesandthemomerathsoutgrabe. There, now you know the name of my planet.
Sato: It took you four and a half minutes to say all that!
Ravis: Yeah, it's something of a pain. My people usually just call the planet Wocky for short.
Sato: I think that goes a long way toward explaining why your people don't run the galaxy.
Ravis: It's Wocky's fault, not ours.

Archer: Want some tea? It's a very serious flavour.
Keyla: I really think you need to loosen up, Jon. Why not have some fun? You can't possibly be married to the ship yet, and it isn't like a little happiness would cost you your soul.
Archer: Oh, I'm just worried about what the Aibo's planning... and I also feel like you're holding something back from me.
Keyla: Who, me? The only issue I have is a deep-seated hatred of the Suliban.
Archer: Well--
Keyla: Did I just hear someone say Suliban? CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!
Archer: Keyla, you said it.
Keyla: Er... heh. Okay, so "deep-seated" may be a mild understatement.

Cutler: Psssst... Phlox, wake up.
Cutler: Ensign Mayweather really needs your help. See, the thing is... I lied. I don't know where the bandages are. Poor Travis scraped his elbow and there's nothing I can do....
Cutler: Come on, Doctor! You've gotta -- OH MY GOD! The Aibo just broke down the door with a chainsaw!
T'Pol: (Oo, this is gonna be good. Somebody cue the ominous music. And get me some popcorn!)

Tucker: Ever notice how our lives are like some kind of sitcom?
Reed: I don't see the connection.
Tucker: Well, we get in these contrived messes every week, right? And we always end up finding some humourous solution, insulting each other all the while.
Reed: Trip?
Tucker: Yeah?
Reed: Don't quit your day job.
Laugh Track: HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Keyla: This wine isn't half bad. Where did you get it?
Archer: I'm not really sure. I brought a big crate of grapes aboard before we left Earth, and we were out of space so I stuck it in the boiler room... when I went to get it ten months later, somebody had replaced it with a big crate of wine. We're still investigating.
Keyla: Well, I guess I knew the risks when I decided to ask you a question. Shall we toast?
Archer: Sure. To the journey?
Keyla: To successful espionage.
Archer: Hear, hear.

Cutler: Doctor! Doctor, you have to get up! The Aibo's coming and only you can stop him!
Aibo: ROWF!
Aibo: ROWF!
Aibo: ROWF! Rowf! Rowwww.... ZZZZZZZZ
Cutler: I don't believe it! Phlox, you... you slept it to sleep!
T'Pol: (Geez, what kind of ending was that? I want my money back.)

Ravis: So this is where we find out whether you still respect me in the morning.
Sato: I'm already dressed and heading out the door -- take a wild guess.
Ravis: Just don't forget me!
Sato: I won't. But I sure will try to forget your planet....

Tucker: Let's go over our story again. First, our clothes were eaten by evil moths....
Reed: No, first the pirates kidnapped us. Then we leapt overboard and swam to shore, and then the evil moths showed up.
Tucker: Right. And that's why we're now walking through the bar in our underwear.
Reed: I'm just grateful that Maris isn't here to see this....

Archer: I've found out your real secret, Keyla.
Keyla: Look, I'm not ashamed of the operation. Sometimes people are just born the wrong gender.
Archer: Ewwwww. Not that secret. I mean the one about your being a Tandaran.
Keyla: Oh, shoot... you analyzed the glass, didn't you? I was really hoping you hadn't seen "In the Flesh"....
Archer: I've studied the histories of all the Archers who came before me. So you're working for Grat, eh?
Keyla: Not exactly. I'm working for the Aibo and he's working for Grat.
Archer: I might have known.
Keyla: But you didn't. Mind if I render you unconscious?
Archer: Not at all. Wait, what am I -- ZZZZZZZZ

Captain's Starlog: Porthos eventually managed to wake me up. I think he's still working out some rage about the Aibo; fortunately, I hear Dr. Phlox is good at reattaching ears.
Archer: I hope that log entry sounded okay. How did the rest of you guys spend your two days?
Tucker, Reed, Sato, and Mayweather: I don't want to talk about it.
Archer: Pardon?

Tucker: Hey baby I hear the blues a-calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs....
Reed: Quite stylish.
Tucker: And maybe I seem a bit confused... well, maybe, but I got you pegged....
Reed: A shooby dooby da ba dooby da ba doo ba....
Tucker: But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs....
Reed: Oh my!
Tucker: They're callin' again.
Reed: Goodnight Seattle! We love you!
Tucker: Tucker has left the building.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 29, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.