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Five-Minute "The First Two Deaths"

by Zeke

Dovan: Can you do it?
Lorhrok: I... I think... there! Did it!
Dovan: Great! You did it! What were you doing, by the way?
Lorhrok: Sending a distress call, I guess. It's not very clear.

Voice: This is C... vessel near... quantum singulari... need help...
Parker: Was that a distress call?
Masterson: I guess. It wasn't very clear.
Parker: I know, that's why I asked.

Dovan: Captain! You're okay!
Cortez: Yep. Lieutenant Amara, me -- Dr. Sharp's two for two. You have my gratitude for handling all this.
Dovan: Tha--
Cortez: Gratitude and RAGE! I trusted you to get this crew home! Now everyone's dead, including Amara!
Dovan: But... but I...

Dovan: Whoa! Just a dream. Man, no more Voyager marathons before bed.
Sharp: As I was saying before you fell asleep, here's the latest casualty list.
Dovan: Don't tell me... we lost Amara?
Sharp: No, he -- ack! He is on the list! Aw man, I'm zero for two!
Dovan: My dream must have been prophetic. It also involved the captain and referenced the pre-pilot episode, so they'll probably die next.

Lorhrok: (over the comm) Sir, we're receiving a pre-recorded message...
Parker: Got your distress call, Excelsior. We'll be there in a couple of days to discuss how you managed to get your ship crippled by lizards on a diplomatic mission.
Dovan: Well, the captain should be up by then.

Rol: Why can't I help with repairs? Are you still mad at me for that little future-robbing thing?
Lorhrok: *glare*
Rol: Come on, man! You can't spell Lorhrok without Rol!
Lorhrok: *glare*
Rol: Actually, how do you spell --
Lorhrok: I'm going to the other side of the ship now.
Rol: (Now to take his stuff.)

Dovan: Merry Christmas! Too bad Santa Claus is still boycotting Starfleet ships.
Yubari: It's understandable considering what colour he wears. Anyway, the Sizemore just got here.
Dovan: Already? All our shuttles and transporters are still fried... well, that just leaves one option. Deploy the tubes!
Yubari: Sir, I'm pretty sure their transporters are --

Rol: Okay, let's see what's on this chip Amara gave me in a scene that didn't make the fiver.
(One data scroll later)
Rol: Let me start with this, computer... did I seriously hear the name Chandra Suresh in that data?
Computer: You're one to talk. You mentioned Malcolm Reynolds like he was a real person earlier.
Rol: Uh oh. I think we're being written by Peter David.

Parker: Well, Captain, you weren't exaggerating. You've completely Picarded this ship.
Dovan: Actually, I'm just the acting captain. A lot of the crew is on the bench right now. I'm a lieutenant commander and my exec here is a J.G.
Parker: Do I even want to know who's got the bridge right now?
Dovan: Janitor.
Parker: Is it too late for me to turn around and pretend I didn't get the distress call?
Dovan: Your guys are already on board. Thanks for reminding me to lock the door, though.

Yubari: You asked to see me, jerk?
Dovan: You're mad at me? Because what, I caught you spying?
Yubari: And made me suffer consequences! I'm SO MAD!
Dovan: Nah, I think you're just tsundere. You can be my security chief.
Yubari: (blushing) I-it's not like that makes me happy or anything! Baka!

Sharp: See? All the data for Site Blue is missing. Site Blue is the morgue, by the way.
Lorhrok: Oh, that explains it.
Sharp: What?
Lorhrok: Nothing. I'll see if I can find out what happened. By the way, how's the captain?
Sharp: I'm honestly afraid to check. I've just been changing her IV bags and running.
Lorhrok: Well, we'll have to hope Dovan can get us to the starbase soon.

Dovan: I dunno what you put in this teracaq, but it's making my ears burn.
Parker: That may be a medi--
Masterson: (over the comm) Admiral, you have a priority call from General Brahms. He says it's top secret, so kill anyone else in the room before you answer.
Parker: ...Uh, can't hear you, Alix. I'll see if I get better reception in the empty room next door.

Brahms: (over the comm) Admiral, a horrible cliffhanger is about to happen on your ship. I'm ordering you not to investigate it next episode, no matter what the title is.
Parker: Let me get this straight... you're covering something up in advance?
Brahms: Listen, buddy, coverups are really tiring and they're all I do. Let me slack off for once!

Sharp: My God. Amara's blood... someone filled it with plasma!
Lorhrok: I'm not a doctor, but I think that was there already.
Sharp: Warp plasma.
Lorhrok: Ohhhhh.
Lorhrok: Well, that does explain why he melted.

Dovan: So we need to talk about how you also have an Alex. There are too damn many in the universe already.
Parker: Uh oh. Robins, get away from --
OFFICER♂ fainted!
Parker: Let me go! I have to save him!
Dovan: Sir... it's too late. You know as well as I do that "fainted" is a euphemism.


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This fiver was originally published on December 31, 2017.

DISCLAIMER: In audio, no one can hear you disclaim.

All material © 2017, Zeke.