Five-Minute "Turns of Events"
Five-Minute "Turns of Events," by NAHTMMM, is brought to you by Jafar's Executive College. Our graduates are consistently described by their superiors as "trustworthy" and "indispensable" right up until they seize control of the entire organization! Jafar's Executive College: Where the power goes straight to your head!
Amara: (over the comm) I've got five in the brig, sir.
Dovan: Good work. I'll come down soon to interrogate those rascally reptiles.
Amara: Wait, you wanted me to arrest the intruders?
Dovan: On a scale from "blindfold" to "Hubble Space Telescope", how technologically advanced are the Valandrians?
Adow: Picture a cheap pair of sunglasses with cute little stickers all over the lenses.
Dovan: So they won't notice if I sneak back into orbit on a stealthed flyer?
Adow: You personally would have no chance, sir. Even their sarcasm detectors could hear you from a light-year away.
Lorhrok: Mister Hologram, you are under arrest for violating the Prime Directive.
Ensign Hunter: You have no right to do that! What if someone had taken the Babel fish away from your planet centuries ago?
Cortez: Or what if the Vulcans had removed the Monolith from Earth's moon before humans uncovered it?
Lorhrok: Are you just making things up?
Ensign Hunter: Or what if Christopher Columbus had convinced Goloca that the Yulus were too ugly to save?
Lorhrok: I'm leaving.
Oracle: You're in charge of the Excelsior? Man, this timeline is screwed up.
Cortez: I'm leaving.
Now we're going to flash back to two years ago. Look at the pretty palace!
Betra-Na: Premier! Are you plotting what I'm plotting?
Sarka-Gee: I think so, Matriarch, but after we hijack the Excelsior, build a massive fleet, and annihilate the entire Federation, how will we get our daily "Jerry Springer" fix?
Betra-Na: ...Actually, I was just plotting to make a cup of coffee.
Betra-Na: Do you want some?
Cortez: The minerals in these mountains have kept you from calling for rescue for six hundred years?
Oracle: Mountains do have a habit of sticking around for long periods of time, Captain.
Cortez: But what gives you the right to treat the Valandrians like pawns in some planetary game?
Oracle: After Crayak took the Kingdom of Hallona, I had little choice but to become the Oracle of Geldar.
Cortez: You just made another obscure-but-apt sci-fi reference, didn't you?
Oracle: Two, actually.
Lorhrok: We have armed Valandrians incoming! Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.
Betra-Na: Relax. These people are loyal to me. They won't kill you until I tell them to.
Sorid-Gee: Actually, they're loyal to me.
Betra-Na: Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.
Amara: I've been meaning to ask you, Lt. Rol, what is with those dreams of yours?
Rol: My dreams? You mean the ones about the Yorktown disast--
Amara: Quiet, Rol, before you spoil the next three seasons of cryptic secrecy!
Betra-Na: I should have known Sorid-Gee would betray me.
Cortez: Yes, she did seem to take her dying sister seriously in that flashback.
Betra-Na: Well, that was one hint. But her Master's degree from Jafar's Executive College really should have tipped me off.
Rol: Well, now that you know about the dreams, I have to kill you.
Amara: Too late! Talaxian Brain Scuzz! GAK!
Rol: Wow! A major character just got killed off! I'll bet the writers won't do that again for a long time.
Narrator: Not for the rest of the season, anyway.
James Heaney: Well, the rest of this episode.
Narrator: At least the rest of this scene.
Dovan: Call me Ishmael. Some years ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money in my purse...
Sharp: If you're that convinced of the futility of this mission, why did you order it?
Dovan: I didn't think I'd have to come along on it!
Rol: Sneaking down to the planet to rescue the away team is a lot less fun than I thought it would be.
Dovan: Do you mean to say they're on the planet? Well, gee, thanks for telling me which way to point the flyer!
Sharp: We've been spotted! The defense satellites must have detected your outburst, Commander. At least we still have a technological advantage.
Rol: All of the ship's systems just failed! We're going to crash!
Dovan: Don't worry, I'll aim for a soft target. Like that horde of Valandrians attacking our away team.
Sharp: She might be dead, Alex! Here, pump the captain full of drugs and make sure.
Dovan: Make sure of what?
Sharp: That she lives. Or possibly that she dies. I'm not picky.
Dovan: Right. Hey, Lorhrok! Ready to go back to the ship?
Lorhrok: Hang on a minute -- I need to go into this cave and arrest a hologram from the future.
Dovan: Exactly how hard did you hit your head during that fight?
Rol: That sure was a thrilling escape from the Valandrians!
Sharp: It's not over yet. More crewmembers have come down with Talaxian Brain Scuzz and the captain is in grave condition. We need to get to a starbase, fast.
Dovan: Wait! Do you realize what this means?
Sharp: That you're going to get the ship destroyed, just like the last three times you took command?
Dovan: Besides that. It means we have to go back.
Lorhrok: Are you serious? The Valandrians tore us apart, and you want us to go back there? For spast's sake, WHY?
Dovan: Because... I forgot to get my mother a souvenir snow globe.
Lorhrok: That almost sounded badass, sir.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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___ Five-Minute Excelsior
___ ___ Season 1
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Turns of Events"
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