Cliffhangers, Part 3
A suspension of Cliffhanger Week
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Derek: Weren't you paying attention? We're on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light.
Alien 1: Silence, human! We will now run gruesome experiments on you!
Derek: I'd agree if I weren't gasping for air from all that running.
Marc: Quick, the aliens are still after us! Into the wardrobe.
Zeke: Do they have any videotapes with them?
IJD: Don't look at me. I don't even know how to make snowballs.
Zeke: No, I can't! I'll catch on fire!
White Witch: Now are you afraid?
Marc: I don't know. Shouldn't Zeke be making this decision?
Kira: You mean the Zeke that just ran off over the cliff shouting "I'm in the sunlight and I'm not on fire!"?
Marc: Then I guess it falls on you, Kira. What should we do?
Kira: ...I think we should do nothing. Zeke will come back the very next day.
Marc: That's cats.
Kira: Oh. Well, in that case, I think we should use that bazooka over there on the Witch and the aliens.
Derek: What the--? I didn't narrate that bazooka.
Kira: (aiming the bazooka) I think we can all see where your narrating got us, Mr. Let's-Get-Chased-By-Aliens.
Marc: Speaking of which, since when is Zeke a vampire?
IJD: Vampire? Huh. I thought he was just pale because we keep scaring the crap out of him.
Derek: (waving away the smoke) Huh? Where are we?
Kira: In my narration of our adventure.
IJD: And look, Zeke's back.
Zeke: I went somewhere?
Derek: Off the edge of the cliff.
Zeke: Oh yeah....
Marc: (I think he might have a concussion.)
IJD: (Nah, he's always like this.)
Derek: Hey, guys? Does this place remind you of anything?
Kira: Maybe you have a concussion.
IJD: No, he's right. There's something oddly familiar about this pastoral farm scenery.
Marc: Almost reminds me of New Zealand.
Kira: You're imagining things. Anyways, so we find this powerful ring --
IJD GAF: Hey look, Zeke found a cedar tree.
Derek: Great. Someone help me get him down from there.
Marc: Kira, this adventure wouldn't happen to have some similarities with The Lord of the Rings, would it?
Kira: ...No, of course not.
Derek: Geez, couldn't you come up with something a little more original?
Kira: Hey, C.S. Lewis? Pot. Kettle. Black.
IJD: Maybe we should find an adventure that doesn't have anything to do with rings.
Zeke: (up the tree) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
IJD: ...or videotapes...
IJD: ...or things coming out of televisions...
IJD: I'm done.
Kira: All right, all right, I'll come up with something else. How about....
IJD: Uh... guys?
Marc: Over here.
Derek: I can't see anything.
Marc: Me neither.
(A ring of light appears in the darkness)
Zeke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! It's the lid of the cursed well!
Derek: Gimme that.
Kira: Hey, that's my flashlight! And I was having fun with it.
Marc: All right, Kira, where are we?
Kira: Obviously, we're in the depths of a tomb or a crypt somewhere. The details aren't important.
Derek: What is important?
IJD: Besides terrifying Zeke.
Kira: Hey, yeah, where'd he go?
Marc: He climbed into that coffin over there.
Derek: Must be leftover from his vampire phase.
Kira: ...Right. Okay, so we're in a tomb deep in a forbidden jungle. We're here to retrieve a priceless artifact with mysterious powers.
IJD: So we can sell it?
Kira: So we can keep it from falling into the wrong hands, obviously.
Marc: Like yours?
Kira: I plead the fifth.
Derek: What does any of this have to do with Star Trek?
Kira: What do aliens have to do with Star Trek, Mr. Smarty Pants? Wait....
Marc: Hey, look, there's a hallway down here.
Derek: Maybe it leads to the artifact. Kira?
Kira: Beats me.
IJD: But this is your narration.
Kira: She-yeah, what fun would it be for me if there wasn't a little suspense?
(After retrieving Zeke from his hiding place, the five staffers start down the hallway.)
IJD: What was that?
Derek: What was what?
IJD: That sound. It was almost like a booby trap being spr--
(Giant axes appear from the walls and take several swipes at our heroes. Dodging the lethal blades, they manage to make it past the booby trap to safety.)
Derek: Whew. That was a close shave.
Zeke: Yeah, we almost bought the big one.
Derek: (feeling his chin) No, I mean that was a close shave. Nice.
IJD: Well, we're safe now.
Zeke: Way to jinx us, IJD.
Marc: Hm... that's odd. I could have sworn this room was wider.
Kira: Yeah, me too.
(After a pause, our heroes realize that the walls are slowly closing in on them.)
Derek: Do you have to keep saying "our heroes"? It's so corny.
Kira: Shut up and help us find something to brace them with!
IJD: Like what? There's nothing in here but bare stone walls.
Zeke: Quick, into the garbage chute!
Kira: We're not on a Death Star.
Derek: You could have picked a better time to not rip off Star Wars.
(The walls continue to close in as the staff watches helplessly.)
Zeke: Well, looks like this is it.
Derek: Yep, we're screwed.
Marc and Kira: Uh huh.
TO BE CONTINUED
Next time on Cliffhangers...
Marc gets an idea.
And the Cliffhangers find a new ally.
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Got a comment on this part of "Cliffhangers"? Contact the author, Kira.
DISCLAIMER: Will we still dare to use copyrighted material? Will we get sued? Tune in next week for these answers and more!
All material © 2005, Carolyn Paterson.