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Scenes From the Easter Egg Hunt at FiveMinute.net

by Zeke

(Mess Hall. Tom and Harry walk up to Ayala, who's having lunch.)
Paris: Hey. How've you been?
Ayala: (shrug)
Paris: Enjoying your food, huh?
Ayala: (nod)
Paris: So...
Paris: Get him!
(Harry grabs Ayala, holding his arms behind his back. As the ex-Maquis struggles, Tom shoves his hand in Ayala's mouth.)
Paris: Sorry about this. It'll just take a sec... there!
(Tom pulls out an Easter egg. Harry releases Ayala, who glares at them and goes back to his food.)
Kim: That was awkward.
Paris: Had to be done. What's left on the list?
Kim: There's the Antimatter Radi--
Paris: NO!
Kim: We can't put that one off forever.
Paris: We can try. Let's do something safer.
Kim: Doomed alternate future?
Paris: I'll warm up the Flyer.
Tucker: I did it, T'Pol!
T'Pol: Did what?
Tucker: (holding up armful of Easter eggs) I found all fifty of the eggs Jon hid around the ship! Malcolm bet me a week's pay I couldn't do it!
T'Pol: Have you shown them to him yet?
Tucker: Nope. I wanted to share this victory with --
(T'Pol kicks Trip, sending the eggs flying. While he's getting his bearings, she collects all fifty eggs into a pile and vaporizes it with a phase pistol.)
Tucker: What the hell?
T'Pol: Deep down, you knew how this would go.
Spock: Captain, sensors are detecting a strange object up ahead.
Kirk: On screen.
(An Easter egg appears on the viewer.)
Chekov: A giant Russian Orthodox Easter egg!
Sulu: In space!
Spock: What should we do with it?
Kirk: (sigh) Put it with the giant Christmas tree in space, the giant leprechaun in space, and the giant graduation hat in space.
Spock: What if it's consumed by the miniature giant space hamsters?
Kirk: I've asked you not to bring those up.
Captain's Personal Log, Stardate 47213.9. In my career in Starfleet, I have encountered many societies with different laws and customs. While I do my best to understand and respect these customs, there are some I can never embrace, particularly those that involve capital punishment.
Riker: Here's the next batch of crew evaluations, sir. (snicker)
Picard: Thank you, that will be all.
Capital punishment is unacceptable in an enlightened civilization. Whatever a person has done, whatever we have suffered as a result, we cannot take it upon ourselves to end a life.
Data: I have compiled the results of the last 24 hours of sensor activity. Sir, what --
Picard: Very good, Commander. Return to your duties.
Where there is life, there is the chance of redemption. We must always be willing to embrace that chance. It is our duty as fellow living beings never to give up on each other -- never to let our evolved sensibility succumb to the temptation of revenge.
Worf: Captain, I have... uh...
Picard: Well?
Worf: If this is a bad time...
Picard: Just give me the security report and get out.
However, when I find out who painted my head like an Easter egg, I will kill his entire family. End log.
Bashir: Nothing under this console. Chief?
O'Brien: No luck here either.
Bashir: Well, keep at it. There are only so many places to hide an egg in Ops.
Kira: I don't know how you two can hunt for candies at a time like this. It's been two weeks now since the Defiant was captured. Who knows what the Dominion is doing to our people?
Sisko: Starfleet Intelligence is doing all it can to find where they're being held. Until then, there's not much we can --
Dax: Sir! A Galor-class cruiser just came out of warp, and it's hailing!
Gul Dukat: (on viewscreen) Happy Easter, everyone! As my gift to you, here's your crew back.
(Worf and several other bedraggled Starfleet officers materialize in Ops.)
Gul Dukat: May the blessings of the season be upon you.
Sisko: You're returning hostages that you took from us and calling it a gift?
Gul Dukat: Exactly. Aren't I generous?
(Stunned silence.)
Gul Dukat: Well, don't all thank me at once.
Kira: You smarmy, arrogant FU--
Sisko: Don't lower the level of discourse, Major. Just fire all weapons.
Trance: Dylan, look! The Egg of Ages!
Dylan: Huh?
Trance: There, on the floor in front of you!
Dylan: Hmm. Seems kind of small.
Andromeda: (over the comm) Analysis shows it to be a chocolate spheroid wrapped in foil.
Dylan: Chocolate?
Trance: You cannot imagine its importance.
Dylan: Huh. The Egg of Ages....
Harper: Witty comment.
Beka: Sarcastic retort.
Tyr: Curt dismissal.
(Dylan ponders the egg for a moment, then places it carefully in his pocket for safekeeping.)
Trance: Well, if you're not gonna eat it, give it to me.
Crichton: Wow! There are eggs everywhere in here! Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! They're not too colourful, but still, I'm so gonna win this thi--
Pilot: (over the comm) Commander Crichton, what are you doing in Moya's ovaries?
(People are wandering around through the Zocalo, apparently looking for things.)
Londo: What are these fools up to now, Vir?
Vir: It's some human custom called an Easter egg hunt. You look around for these eggs made of chocolate.
Londo: Ha! Is there any human idea that our people don't do better? Let's show them one of our hunts!
Vir: I don't think that's a great --
Londo: Nonsense. Find me a volunteer.
(Vir comes back with a confused Drazi. Londo calls for attention.)
Londo: Observe! I know my volunteer has only one, but we can still make a good hunt of it.
(Pulling out a knife, he yanks down the Drazi's pants and hacks off his... um.)
Londo: Vir, go hide this. Then everyone can look for it.
Drazi: KILL YOU!
Londo: Relax, you'll get to hunt when it's someone else's --
(Dr. Franklin, who was in the crowd, comes up to Londo and whispers something.)
Londo: Wait. Yours don't grow back?
Chloe: There's one!
Clark: I dunno, Chloe. Doesn't it look suspicious to you? One egg in the middle of a room, not hidden at all...
Chloe: Don't be silly. Go get it.
(Clark sighs. He's halfway across the room when --)
Clark: ARRRRRGH! The pain! That egg's made of kryptonite!
Chloe: Um...
Clark: I can't move! You've gotta do something!
Chloe: But...
Clark: Hellllllllp!
Chloe: Oh, shut up, Clark! Kryptonite doesn't do anything to you! I've been wearing a kryptonite bra for months and you haven't noticed!
Clark: What? That's --
(Clark suddenly realizes he's not actually feeling anything.)
Clark: Whoa!
Chloe: Let's face it. Half the town is made of kryptonite. If it were that bad for you, you'd never move.
Clark: Huh. Guess I've just been acting on reflex.
(He gets up and brings her the egg.)
Clark: Kryptonite bra, huh?
Chloe: And maybe if you expressed a little interest once in a while....
Taylor: This is a great egg hunt. Isn't this a great egg hunt?
Ryan: (shrug)
Seth: Hey Ryan, we've got a problem. See this egg I just found?
Ryan: Sure.
Seth: Yeah, apparently it's Jimmy Cooper's illegitimate son.
Ryan: ...What?
Seth: The tragedy is that Marissa never knew.
Ryan: Wait, how would --
Seth: We've gotta tell Julie and Kaitlyn, man. It's the least we can do.
Ryan: How did it even tell --
Taylor: (slap) Get a grip, Ryan! Marissa's not coming back! You've got to live in the now, where I am!
Ryan: This is too stupid. I'm coming back when it's over.
(Ryan leaves.)
Taylor: Why can't he let go? (cries, runs off)
Seth: Don't worry, little egg. I know where you'll be accepted.

(That night, Ryan comes home.)
Ryan: Okay, it should have run its course by --
Sandy: There you are, Ryan. C'mere. This is a big day for the Cohen family.
Kirsten: (holding the egg) Ryan... meet your new little brother!
Ryan: I'm going back to Chino.

(Angel and Spike are tearing each other to shreds.)
Angel: You don't deserve the egg, you sadistic bastard!
Spike: An' I suppose you do, Cap'n Emo?
Angel: Oh no you di'int!
Wesley: (bursting in) Stop, you fools! This "revised" prophecy is an obvious fake! It even has Lindsay's signature on it!
(Wes holds up a scroll reading "The vampire with an Easter egg will shanshu" in crayon.)
Angel: That's not what this is about.
Wesley: What?
Spike: Buffy likes chocolate.
Wesley: You're hopeless. I'll leave you to it.
Spike: I think Fred does too.
Wesley: (drawing crossbow) Death to the creatures of the night!
Kaylee: Happy Easter, everybody! Have these eggs I found.
(The crew chow down. Suddenly --)
(Jayne keels over, dead. Then his head explodes.)
Kaylee: Oh no!
Inara: That was pretty pointless.
Mal: Not a bit. It's a reminder: ain't none of us safe.
Inara: There are only three of us left now. How many of these reminders do we need?
Mal: As many as it takes. Now get back to yer business.
Inara and Kaylee: (sigh)
(Jayne's head explodes again.)
Apollo: Happy Easter, Dad. I brought you a present.
Adama: An Easter egg! How thoughtful.
Apollo: Yeah, I thought so.
(Adama unwraps the egg. As he chews it, he suddenly stops, wincing.)
Adama: Son... is this filled with angst?
Apollo: I didn't have a lot of time to shop.
Adama: You had plenty of time!
Apollo: (smiling) Yeah, I know.
Captain Jack: Okay, explain this to me again. Martha, you talked the Doctor into setting up an Easter egg hunt for the kids at the Cardiff orphanage...
Martha: I had to do something! They were so cute and Welsh!
Jack: And Doctor, you decided that as a special bonus, you'd make the eggs bigger on the inside?
Doctor: More chocolate for everyone! I even put jelly babies in some of them.
Jack: Uh huh. Gwen, show them the pictures.
(Opening an envelope, Gwen takes out several photos of the orphanage and nearby buildings crushed under the weight of enormous Easter eggs.)
Martha: (gasp)
Doctor: Oh. Oops.
Martha: What do you mean, "oops"?
Doctor: I think I made them bigger on the outside. It's been a century or two since I last did the egg trick. I'm a bit out of practice.
Martha: A bit?
(Both sigh. Jack and Gwen stare at them evenly, arms crossed.)
Doctor: Well... could be worse.
Martha: At least the children got their --
Jack: They're all dead.
(A peninsula in the eastern part of Hyrule.)
Link: Well, here's the cave. If what that random passerby in town told me is accurate, there's an egg of great chocolateness in here.
(Link enters. The cave is empty except for an old man standing between two candles.)
Old Man: It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.
(A coloured egg appears in front of the old man. Link reaches for it, but his hand passes right through.)
Link: Huh?
Old Man: Master using it and you can have this.
Link: How can I master using it if I don't have it?
Old Man: It's a secret to everybody.
Link: What, I have to figure this out myself?
Old Man: Secret is in the tree at the dead-end.
Link: Oh, okay. That's easy enough. I'll be right back.

(Link burns down the required tree and finds a hole in the ground. Another old man is inside.)
Link: Weird. How did you even get in here?
Old Man: Let's play money making game.
Link: No, I'm here for --
Old Man: Pay me for the door repair charge.
Link: Your "door" was a tree. Burning trees is my God-given right.
(The old man is silent.)
Link: Great. You're not going to help till I pay you, huh?
(More silence. Link sighs and hands over some rupees.)
Link: I think I see how the money-making game works now.
Old Man: Boy, this is really expensive!
Link: You don't have to gloat. Okay, what's the secret?
Old Man: There are secrets where fairies don't live.
Link: What? Fairies "don't live" all over the place! There are only a couple in all of Hyrule if you don't count the ones the minor enemies occasionally seem to have eaten! Can't you be a little more specific?
Old Man: Walk into the waterfall.
Link: Okay then.

(Link finds a waterfall and walks into it.)
Old Man: Spectacle Rock is an entrance to death.
Link: I don't care. How do I "master" that egg?
Old Man: If you go in the direction of the arrow.
Link: ...Well? If I do that, then what?
Old Man: South of arrow mark hides a secret.
Link: Swell. Another snipe hunt.
Old Man: I bet you'd like to have more bombs.
Link: You got it. One for each of you guys.

(Link finds an arrow made of rocks. Pushing one reveals, naturally, another cave.)
Old Man: Did you get the sword from the old man on top of the waterfall?
Link: No way in hell am I climbing a waterfall, even for a sword.
Old Man: Secret power is said to be in the arrow.
Link: That's you, right? Good. Lay it on me.
Old Man: Leave your life or money.
Link: WHAT?
(The old man stares.)
Link: Fine! Have the money. Don't kill me with your secret power. Geez, what a bunch of money-grubbers you guys are.
Old Man: Go to the next room.
Link: And where's that?
Old Man: Eyes of skull has a secret.
Link: Hmm. I think I passed a big skull-shaped rock earlier. Do you ever wonder why everything is shaped like things?
Old Man: Take any road you want.
Link: Fine, be like that.

(Link checks out the skull-shaped rock. Figuring he has a fifty-fifty chance, he tries the left eye first.)
Old Man: I am error.
Link: Oh, I'm not even gonna start on you.

(As Link enters the right eye, the old man inside raises a hand in warning.)
Old Man: Ones who does not have Triforce can't go in.
Link: I have Triforce. Totally. It's in my soul or something. Can you help me with my egg problem?
Old Man: Eastmost penninsula is the secret.
Link: You kinda dragged out the N there.
Old Man: Grumble, grumble...
Link: Yeah, that was picky, sorry. Eastmost peninsula, eh? Perfect! I know where that is. In fact, I feel like I was just there...

(Link arrives at the peninsula, location of the cave he started from.)
Link: Dammit.
(He enters. The old man and the egg are still there.)
Old Man: Master using it and you can have this.
Link: Well, I've thought it over. This has been a long journey, full of twists and turns. But in the end, there's only one thing I mastered -- one secret I learned.
(Link hands the old man a bunch of rupees.)
Old Man: Boy, you're rich!
Link: I used to be. Now I can't even fire any arrows. I hope you're happy.
(The old man gestures to the egg, which solidifies. Link picks it up. The item chime plays.)
Link: Finally! Now what do I do with it?
Old Man: Show this to the old woman.
Link: Ohhh no, I'm done with you geriatric types. But now that you mention women...

(Castle Hyrule.)
Link: Hey Zelda, I got you something.
Zelda: A chocolate egg! That's so sweet!
Link: Well excuuuuuse me, princ-- wait, you liked it. Never mind.
Zelda: I'll eat it right now so you can see me enjoy it.
Link: Or we could share it, and thus both enjoy it.
Zelda: Or I could eat it right now and you could see me enjoy it.
Link: Or we could --
Zelda: Mmmm, chocolate.
(Link sighs.)
Zelda: That was great. Let me know if you find any more.
Link: Are you kidding? It took me all day to get this one. I had to travel all over Hyrule unraveling a twisted web of deception and bankruptcy. There is nothing, nothing that could make me go through that again.
Zelda: It does sound like a hassle. On the other hand, I would find it very nice of you.

Old Man: (raises eyebrow)
Link: Don't say it. Just give me some more directions.

Got a comment on "Scenes From the Easter Egg Hunt at FiveMinute.net"? Contact the author, Zeke.

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This story was originally published on April 9, 2007.

DISCLAIMER: Eggs! Get your eggs, here! / Fresh and white eggs are here! / Wiggle jiggle, yellow middle, That's the best of what you are (I love you egg) / White and tender, surround the center / Cozy, sitting in the crackling shell....

All material © 2007, Colin Hayman.