|A special presentation of|
Enterprise: Secret Santa
(with a tip of the striped green hat to bleachlists)
Archer: Thanks for coming, everybody! I really appreciate you all taking the time to participate in this.
T'Pol: You ordered us.
T'Pol: It was an order.
T'Pol: You issued it in writing.
Archer: Well, yes, but you did obey it. There would've been consequences, but you still could have refused.
T'Pol: I tried to leave. You locked the ship.
Tucker: This could go on fer a while.
Tucker: Can we please just get down to business? I really don't like leavin' Kelby in charge of Engineering.
Archer: Yeah, I'm not sure what to make of that guy either. He's got sort of a lean and hungry look.
Archer: Okay, let's --
Mayweather: Question, sir.
Mayweather: ...Wow. Uh, I wasn't really expecting you to listen.
Mayweather: Now I have to remember what I was going to ask. Gimme a minute.
Sato: I think I may know.
Sato: Captain, does this Secret Santa thing not seem problematic to you?
Sato: Nonsecular. It has religious roots.
Sato: That could offend people.
Archer: Hoshi, have I ever struck you as someone who worries about offending people?
Tucker: He doesn't even worry about offendin' aliens who can kill us.
Tucker: Hey, don't get me wrong, I approve!
Tucker: In fact, if I were cap'n, we'd offend people even more.
Tucker: Especially Kelby.
Tucker: An' maybe Phlox.
Sato: Look, it's not people in general I'm worried about. It's one in particular.
Sato: Gene Roddenberry's ghost.
Sato: You do remember what happened the last time we offended him, right? That time we devoted a two-parter to explaining Klingon foreheads when he had always insisted they didn't need explaining?
Sato: Remember what he subjected us to for that?
Archer: It wasn't that bad.
Sato: It was "Bound"! Yes, it was that bad!
T'Pol: (I am not pleased with the amount of fourth-wall-breaking taking place here.)
Tucker: (Comes with the format. I think they call this kinda thing an "omake".)
Archer: Okay, fine.
Archer: Mr. Roddenberry? Are you listening?
Archer: "Bread and Circuses". Last scene.
Archer: There. Unless he's one serious hypocrite, we're safe now.
Sato: I still think we should go with an alien equivalent. Secret Fraxmorp or something.
Phlox: You know nothing of Fraxmorp, outsider!
Archer: If that's all, let's --
Reed: Wait, I think I know what Travis was really going to ask.
Reed: Aren't we supposed to put the presents all together in a pile?
Archer: No, we'll just take turns.
Reed: What? Then we'll know who our Secret Santas are!
Archer: Why wouldn't we?
Reed: It's right there in the name!
Archer: The secret part is beforehand.
Archer: You don't know who your Santa is going to be until the last moment. It's a surprise.
Archer: And afterwards, you know who to thank.
Reed: But that's not how it works!
Sato: Sure it is.
Sato: That's how I've played it, anyway.
Tucker: Not me. Mebbe it's one of those regional-variation things.
Archer: Well, this version is better.
Archer: What's the point of a secret that never gets revealed?
Archer: Isn't the person who gave it to you a big part of how you feel about a gift?
Reed: That's what I'm afraid of!
Archer: Well, don't be. We're all friends here.
Mayweather: Oh, hey.
Mayweather: I remember my question now.
Mayweather: Why are a whole bunch of villains here?
(He gestures at the characters on the other side of the room.)
Evil Future Guy: So judgmental.
Silik: Isn't a villain just a friend you haven't met?
Silik: A friend you haven't befriended, then.
Dolim: Suppress your terror, human!
Dolim: We mean you no harm!
Mayweather: Could you possibly have said that in a more harm-meaning way?
Dolim: I did not ask to be born with only one tone of voice!
Degra: Some of us aren't delighted with the company either, you know.
Degra: (glares at Dolim)
Degra: But this is a non-canon meeting on peaceful terms.
Soval: It isn't about your side or our side.
Shran: It's just about your side not having enough characters on it.
Archer: That's basically it, Travis. Volume.
Archer: Though of course if this meeting should happen to foster some good feelings between enemies...
Archer: Perhaps leading to a mutual reduction of hostility and the growth of understanding...
T'Pol: (whacks forehead)
Archer: Then we might, just maybe, be able to build towards a peaceful alliance of --
T'Pol: OH MY GOD WE GET IT
T'Pol: THE FEDERATION STARTS SOON AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU
T'Pol: STOP FORESHADOWING BEFORE MY @*ING HEAD EXPLODES
Tucker: You have definitely sacrificed your fourth-wall-complainin' rights.
T'Pol: It was worth it.
Archer: If there are no further objections...
Daniels: I'm uneasy with Admiral Forrest being here for timeline reasons.
Daniels: Ensign Sato did mention the Klingon Augment inci--
Archer: If there are no further objections that matter, we'll start.
Forrest: Wait, I want to know what that was abou--
Archer: STARTING NOW!
Archer: I'll go first. Chef, this is for you.
Chef: (nods appreciatively)
Chef: (opens it)
Tucker: Is that a highlighter?
Archer: Yep. Chef, you know the rumour that when we finally see you, you'll be played by William Shatner?
Archer: I figure you'll want this to mark your lines in the script.
Archer: You know, make sure nobody has more than you.
Sato: Shatner really does that?
Archer: Used to, at least.
Reed: But that was when he was the series lead, not a guest star.
Reed: Who would write an episode where Chef had the most lines?
Chef: (slightly annoyed look)
Archer: Okay, but he'll still want more lines than... I dunno, Phlox.
Phlox: (slightly annoyed l--)
Phlox: Wait, I talk.
Archer: Anyway, I'm the captain. I don't have a lot of shopping time.
Archer: It was this or a beard trimmer.
Tucker: Or maybe some kitchenware?
Tucker: And the man has hobbies!
Tucker: He rides horses, he plays the trombone...
T'Pol: (You're being ambiguous on purpose, aren't you?)
Tucker: After four years, you should know this stuff!
Archer: Point taken, Trip. But what's it to you?
Tucker: Well, I like the guy.
Tucker: And I really like the idea of him surpassin' Phlox.
Phlox: Hey! Again!
Chef: (nods to Trip)
Archer: I have a feeling dessert will be pecan pie for the foreseeable future.
Archer: Oh well. Chef, you're up.
Chef: (brings present to Porthos)
Chef: (opens it for him)
Porthos: Ruff! RUFF!
(Porthos digs in)
Chef: (pets him)
T'Pol: Next time let's tell the random number generator not to do that.
Archer: Oh, come on, it was cute.
Archer: Now, Porthos is T'Pol's Secret Santa.
Archer: So of course I had to pick the gift for him.
T'Pol: (deeper sigh)
Archer: It's on his collar.
Archer: Porthos, go see T'Pol.
(He scoots over to her. She inspects the collar.)
T'Pol: An IDIC pin.
T'Pol: How original.
Archer: "Original" is the word, yes.
Archer: See, it's made of steel.
Archer: And on Earth, when you want good steel, you go to Pennsylvania.
T'Pol: This is from --?
Archer: Carbon Creek.
T'Pol: ...Thank you, sir.
T'Pol: This is... thoughtful.
(She turns it over to see how to put it on.)
Archer: Velcro, yes.
T'Pol: There is such a thing as too thoughtful.
(T'Pol walks over to Dolim)
Dolim: My Secret Lizard Santa is revealed!
Reed: Your version of Santa is Lizard Santa?
Degra: He's just a smartass.
T'Pol: Mr. Dolim, I am given to understand that you enjoy eating rodents.
Dolim: They are delicious!
Dolim: And a good source of Lizard Vitamin D!
Degra: (whacks forehead)
T'Pol: Then my present was well-chosen.
(He opens the present. It's a book.)
Dolim: THIS IS INEDIBLE!
T'Pol: It is also upside down.
T'Pol: Turn it over.
Dolim: "Surak's Dietary Teachings: Why Eating Meat is Illogical, You Barbarian."
T'Pol: I hope you will find it enlightening.
Dolim: As a matter of fact, I can already feel my palate expanding.
(Dolim eats the book.)
T'Pol: How was it?
(Dolim brings his present over to Forrest.)
Dolim: Greetings, Admiral.
Dolim: Wake up!
Forrest: -- Hmm?
Forrest: Oh, sorry. You took a long time to eat that book.
Dolim: There was a lot to chew on.
Dolim: Take this!
Dolim: Open it!
Dolim: Be pleased!
(Forrest opens the gift.)
Forrest: Ah, Star Wars DVDs.
Dolim: Look closer!
Dolim: Yes! This is the recent remake produced by my insectoid brethren!
Dolim: I do not claim to understand the other Xindi species' interest in this franchise...
Dolim: But it seemed like something a human would find intriguing!
Forrest: Hmm. Yes, very much so.
Forrest: Though I imagine Ambassador Soval will disagree...
Forrest: Don't you remember the Broadway musical about the life of Surak?
Forrest: You called it cultural appropriation.
Forrest: They had to shut it down when you publically denounced it.
Forrest: And also threatened a missile strike.
Soval: It's only cultural appropriation when you do it.
Forrest: Well, anyway, thank you, Dolim.
Dolim: You are quite welcome.
Dolim: I hope you are able to play Region 39 DVDs!
Tucker: (I'll hack your machine, sir.)
Forrest: Well, Ambassador, here's one for you.
Soval: (scoff) It's the least you can do.
(He opens it.)
Soval: A book?
Soval: I'm not hungry.
Dolim: ...I will react to that when I decide whether it's an insult.
Forrest: This is The Laws of Thought by George Boole.
Forrest: He was one of our foremost logicians on Earth.
Forrest: It's a first edition. Quite hard to find.
(Soval holds the book at arm's length.)
Forrest: Yes, it's real.
Forrest: I've told you before, and now you can't deny it.
Forrest: We have logic on Earth.
(Soval, after recovering, brings a present to Travis.)
Mayweather: Thanks, Ambassador!
Mayweather: Um, money.
Soval: I will be perfectly honest, Ensign.
Soval: I know almost nothing about you.
Soval: Apparently this is the Earth gift-giving custom in that situation.
Mayweather: Y'know, I'm okay with this.
Mayweather: Could've been a sweater.
(Mayweather brings a present to Degra.)
Mayweather: Sir, I know you've been having some trouble coping with your guilt.
Mayweather: You know, for all those people you killed.
Mayweather: So I got you this.
Degra: Um, thank you.
(Degra opens it. It's a thick book.)
Degra: "A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates"?
Mayweather: It's kind of an artifact.
Mayweather: Before we had computers on Earth, one way to get random numbers was by using a book like this.
Mayweather: They print a new edition every so often for historical interest.
Degra: I'm not sure I see --
Mayweather: Well, open it. See these digits?
Mayweather: There are twenty-five hundred on each page.
Mayweather: Four hundred pages in all.
Mayweather: See, it's kind of hard to picture numbers as big as a million. This should help.
Mayweather: Just imagine each digit as a unique, individual person.
Mayweather: Oh, and then get six more copies of the book.
Mayweather: What? I didn't say I wanted you to feel better.
Archer: Since, um... since Degra has gone home, I guess we'll skip his turn.
Dolim: He left his present behind. It is for Commander Shran.
Dolim: I helped him choose it.
(He brings the gift to Shran.)
Shran: Hmm, a present from a Xindi? This should be quite interesting.
Shran: A DVD set, eh?
(Dolim leans over in Shran's face.)
Dolim: We found out about "The Man From U.N.C.L.E."
(Still a bit shaken, Shran comes over to the Evil Future Guy.)
Shran: Now, we've never interacted, but Captain Archer told me about you when I drew your number.
Shran: Apparently you're from the future?
Evil Future Guy: Yes.
Shran: And your goal is to change the past to your advantage.
Shran: So far this seems to involve undermining Earth and the Vulcans...
Shran: Usually by taking third parties and providing them with far-future technology and genetic enhancements.
Shran: Frankly, sir, you are insidious.
Evil Future Guy: So I'm told.
Shran: I refuse to give you anything you could harm the timeline with.
Shran: And considering your resourcefulness, my options are so limited that the best I could think of was this coaster from my ship.
Shran: Set a drink down on it. Or don't.
Shran: Merry Christmas, you monster.
Evil Future Guy: ...This is personalized. It has your number on it.
Shran: (Shh. We'll talk.)
Evil Future Guy: Mr. Daniels!
Daniels: Oh, are you my Secret Santa?
Evil Future Guy: Indeed!
Evil Future Guy: Would you mind coming over here? I'm not exactly mobile.
Evil Future Guy: I hardly need to tell you that in this temporal cold war, information is everything.
Evil Future Guy: Therefore, I have decided to answer one --
Daniels: Who are you?
Evil Future Guy: -- question, unless you interrupt me, in which case the offer is null and void.
Daniels: Is that really what you were going to say?
Evil Future Guy: Silik? Show him.
(Silik hands Daniels a note.)
Daniels: I hate you.
(Daniels comes over to Hoshi. She backs away slightly.)
Daniels: Something wrong?
Sato: You spent months pretending to be an ordinary crewman.
Sato: We were friends. We played Boggle once.
Sato: You can't expect me to be comfortable with you now that I know it was all a lie.
Sato: In fact, you know what, don't bother with --
(Daniels holds up a data module.)
Daniels: This is 4000 hours of audio recordings.
Daniels: It's from the future.
Daniels: My home century. The 29th.
Sato: ...What kind of recordings?
Daniels: Alien speech.
Daniels: Specifically, the speech of aliens that your Starfleet has never met.
Sato: Are you seeing anyone?
(Hoshi brings her present to Silik.)
Silik: Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone.
Sato: Oh, did the boss remove your eyes again?
Silik: Touche! See, we have fun.
(He takes the present and opens it.)
Silik: Spot remover.
Sato: See, we have fun.
(Silik carries a large rectangular package to Reed.)
Silik: Mr. Reed, I've always had a certain fondness for you.
Reed: Oh really? Why's that?
Silik: In a complex, confusing world, you are admirably straightforward.
Silik: You like weapons, and that's all there is to it.
Reed: I'm also interested in particle phy--
Silik: This is no time to change the equation, Lieutenant.
Silik: I assure you you'll like where this is going.
(He hands Reed the package.)
Silik: Now before you open it, I want to remind Mr. Daniels of the agreement we all made when we came here.
Silik: Many of us are enemies. But for the duration of this party, there is a ceasefire.
Daniels: I know.
Silik: Good. So don't forget to keep those temporal-agent instincts strictly controlled when Mr. Reed opens his package.
Daniels: ...I don't like the sound of this.
Reed: I do!
(Reed unwraps the present. His eyes go wide.)
Silik: Over the years, my faction has collected many weapons from future temporal agents.
Silik: This is one from the 24th century -- an evolution of the phase pistols you use now.
Silik: I believe it's called a compression phaser rifle.
Reed: (speechless with joy)
Silik: Now it's a safe bet that Mr. Daniels will --
Daniels: YOU CAN NOT KEEP THAT!
Silik: -- take it back. But he can't act until after the party.
Silik: Better get a good look now!
Silik: And if you happen to notice something you can't safely replicate and destroy your ship in the attempt, welllll...
Silik: Mistakes will be made.
Reed: THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Silik: Not at all, Mr. Reed.
Silik: Do enjoy yourself.
(Reed can't be torn away from his new toy, so Travis delivers his present, which is for...)
Phlox: Thank you, Ensign.
Phlox: A gift from Mr. Reed!
Phlox: Now what sort of thing might he have chosen for me?
(Reed suddenly notices what's going on. He drops the rifle.)
Phlox: Could it be some medical equipment?
Phlox: A weapon he thinks I might find interesting?
Phlox: A good book, perhaps?
(He lifts the box as if to sha--)
Reed: Don't shake it!
Phlox: Sound advice.
Phlox: No, I don't think it's anything so conventional.
Phlox: And in fact, the more I think about Mr. Reed's concern earlier...
Phlox: That is, when he found out the gift-giving would not be anonymous...
Phlox: The more I think that this gift is best left a mystery.
Phlox: Thank you, Mr. Reed, but I shall decline. Hm-hm.
(Reed breathes a tremendous sigh of relief.)
Phlox: Ah! I left my gift in Sickbay. Excuse me for a moment.
Archer: You know, Malcolm, I've been thinking about that concern of yours too.
Archer: It seems like crime would be one reason to prefer anonymity.
Reed: Would it be a crime, sir?
Reed: Would it?
Tucker: Huh. I knew I felt that way, but --
Reed: Oh, we all do. How could we not?
Reed: You're just particularly vocal.
Tucker: So what was in the box?
Tucker: Nothing but --
Reed: Just a big box of antimatter.
Tucker: Malcolm, I have never liked you better than I do right now.
(Phlox returns. Only then does Trip do the math in his head.)
Tucker: Oh hell, this is for me, isn't it?
Phlox: Why, Commander, you sound nervous!
Phlox: There's no need to be so high-strung.
(He brings the present over. It's a birdcage with a cover on it.)
Tucker: Uh oh.
Phlox: Mr. Tucker, I've noticed many things about you over the years...
Phlox: One of them is that you always enjoy spending time with Porthos.
Tucker: Well, sure.
Tucker: He's a good fella.
Phlox: Pets, of course, are known for their comforting effect on humans.
Phlox: And you have been under tremendous stress for some time now.
Phlox: I think it would do you a world of good to have a pet of your own.
Phlox: So I created one!
Tucker: You CREATED one?
Phlox: It's an entirely new species!
Phlox: The fruit of many hours of cross-breeding, gene splicing, and tortu... rous labour.
(He pulls the cover off.)
New life form: Fweep!
Phlox: Quite something, isn't it?
Archer: (squinting) Is it dangerous?
Phlox: I'm afraid not.
Phlox: Mostly all it does is sit in your hand and say "fweep."
New life form: Fweep!
Phlox: Yes, like that.
Tucker: I literally don't know what to say.
Tucker: At all. On any level.
Tucker: I do not have even the vaguest beginning of a response.
Tucker: I just... I give up.
Tucker: You win.
T'Pol: For someone who doesn't know what to say, you're talking a lot.
(Once Trip has recovered a bit, he brings a box over to Archer.)
Tucker: Gotcha a bunch of things, Cap'n.
Tucker: Been pretty busy with repairs, though. So I was kinda rushed.
Archer: I understand, Trip. Don't worry about it.
(He takes the box.)
Archer: Let's see...
Archer: A... bag of jelly beans.
Tucker: For those little between-meal cravings!
Archer: An umbrella.
Tucker: Heard there's a storm comin'.
Archer: A pencil.
Archer: ...With the eraser removed.
Tucker: Couldn't spare that, sorry.
Archer: A polo shirt.
Archer: It's... pink and green.
Archer: And also soaking wet.
Tucker: Get it?
Tucker: Water polo?
Tucker: Eh? Eh?
Tucker: You can also keep the box!
Archer: Trip, rushed is one thing...
Archer: But did you literally just grab a few things from your quarters on the way here?
Tucker: Caught me, Cap'n!
Tucker: Mea culpa.
Tucker: Oh, I know, want a fweep creature?
Archer: No thanks.
Tucker: Okay then.
Tucker: Oops! Just remembered.
Tucker: There's one other thing.
(From behind his back, he produces a framed photo.)
Archer: This is...
Archer: A picture of Earth?
Tucker: I took it myself, out the window.
Tucker: Take a look at the timestamp.
Archer: ...March 4, 2154.
(He thinks for a minute -- and suddenly realizes what Trip's getting at.)
Tucker: It shouldn't have been there, Cap'n.
Tucker: The weapon was ready a month before.
Tucker: They had an empire. We had one ship.
Tucker: By all rights, we shoulda lost easy.
Tucker: But you pulled it off.
Tucker: You were ready to die doin' it. Almost did.
(There's a little something in Archer's eye.)
Archer: It was a team effort, Trip.
Archer: Everybody in this room made it happen.
Archer: ...Uh, except Dolim.
Dolim: I believe I cancel out one of you.
Tucker: Teams have leaders, Cap'n.
Tucker: You get down on yourself sometimes, just like anybody, so I want you to keep that.
Tucker: No matter what happens -- how bad things get --
Tucker: You remember you did the impossible.
(Archer gets up and hugs Trip.)
Tucker: Merry Christmas, Cap'n.
Archer: Merry Christmas, Trip.
(Everyone smiles. Except Dolim. And --)
Shran: Um, hello? Distracted the Xindi? Made your victory possible?
Shran: And no hug for me?
Got a comment on "Enterprise: Secret Santa"? Contact the author, Zeke.
DISCLAIMER: The Trek characters belong to Paramount. The fweep creature belongs to
All material © 2016, Zeke.