First Fiver Retrospectives: Derek

Derek: Hi, everyone. This is Derek Dean, and with me is my wife, Mme Blueberry.
Mme Blueberry: Hello.
Derek: And we're going to be discussing my first fiver, which is of the movie Star Trek: Generations, which I wrote back in, uh, 2002.
Mme Blueberry: Hm. That was a long time ago.
Derek: Yeah.
Mme Blueberry: Before we were married.
Derek: Yeah, but we were engaged.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah.

Wine Bottle: BOOM!

Derek: So anyway, I wrote this one back in 2002 during my time at my first job, remember that?
Mme Blueberry: Really? You didn't have it for very much longer, did you?
Derek: No, in fact, I had already been informed that the company's likelihood of staying in business was slim.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, that was too bad. I know you liked that job.

Kirk: I'm taking command of the Enterprise. I'm sorry.
Harriman: No, sir. You're not sorry. You couldn't wait to get back to the Enterprise. I remember when you recommen--
Scotty: Captain, this dialog was from the first TOS movie. This is the first TNG movie.

Derek: I did. So anyway, I guess we should talk about this fiver. Uh, the scene you're seeing here was a joke referring to Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which I felt was kind of appropriate since this was the first TNG movie.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, you said that in your fiver too.
Derek: Well, I just really liked the parallel.
Mme Blueberry: Hm.
Derek: Hm? That's all you have to say?
Mme Blueberry: Well, it's a commentary and I felt obligated to say something.
Derek: Hm.

Chekov: Captain, meet Ensign Sulu.
Kirk: Sulu! You had a sex-change!
Sulu: No, sir. I'm Sulu's daughter.
Kirk: Uh-huh. Suuuure, you are.

Mme Blueberry: So what were you thinking for this scene?
Derek: I don't really remember.
(Laughter)
Derek: No, really, I think I realized that in text, using only the character's last name, there would be no real difference between Sulu and his daughter. But of course there is, since of course one is a man and the other is a woman.
Mme Blueberry: You've been watching too much Gilmore Girls.

Tuvok: Captain, there's a distress call coming in from two ships caught in an energy wave.
Harriman: Wait! How can you be Tuvok? You're not even Vulcan!
Tuvok: The first ship is breaking up.
Harriman: Don't avoid the question!

Derek: Well, someone keeps making me watch it.
Mme Blueberry: Oh, don't give me that. You like it. Admit it.
Derek: I like it fine, but I don't know that I'd watch it if I were on my own.
Mme Blueberry: You like it.

Harriman: Okay. Let's get the ships out with a tractor beam.
Tuvok: Unfortunately, sir, the wine bottle thrown earlier knocked out several of our core systems, including the tractor beam.
Harriman: Well, how about we come back next Tuesday?
Tuvok: The second ship is starting to break up.
Harriman: STOP CALLING YOURSELF TUVOK!
Kirk: (whispering to Scotty) This guy's lost it. Beam the people off the ship.

Derek: Switching subjects, I thought this scene was really funny since Tim Russ really is in all these scenes.
Mme Blueberry: Who?
Derek: Tim Russ. He plays Tuvok on Voyager. You know that.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, but I was trying to help anyone in the audience who might not. You can't really see the actor in just the fiver.
Derek: True. The scene probably doesn't make as much sense if you don't realize that.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah.

Tuvok: We seem to be caught in the energy wave.
Harriman: (talking to other bridge crew) Look at his ears! Are they pointed? He isn't Tuvok!
Scotty: We need to sacrifice someone so we can save the ship.
Kirk: Send a redshirt.
Harriman: Redshirts... arrive Tuesday.
Kirk: Crap. Well, at least this way I'll die alone.

Derek: So here was my only real allusion to the Tuesday joke they used in Generations. I thought it would be funny to say redshirts arrive Tuesday, and it seemed appropriate.
Mme Blueberry: That wasn't the only place, you used it once earlier.
Derek: Did I?
Mme Blueberry: Earlier the captain-guy asked if the ship could come back next Tuesday.
Derek: Huh. I don't remember that. Too bad we can't rewind and check it out.
Mme Blueberry: Actually I think you can look back up and see that it does.
Derek: Meh, it's not that important.

Kirk: AAAAA! (dies, sort of)

80 YEARS LATER

Picard: Worf, you'll be promoted if you can get the hat by jumping from this plank.
Riker: (to Picard) Why do you always do promotions this way?
Picard: (to Riker) Because no one ever succeeds so I never have to promote anyone.

Worf: YEARG! Ha! I got the hat.
Picard: (to self) Crap.
Riker: Computer, remove the plank.
Worf: Splash!
Picard: Computer, remove Riker.
Computer: Only holographic images can be removed.
Picard: Crap.

Mme Blueberry: Silence.
Derek: Um, yeah. Sorry. Let's see, uh, this scene has some good Riker bashing in it. I think I got that from one of the other fivers, but I like what I did with it here.
Mme Blueberry: Do you not like Riker?
Derek: No, I like him, but he's a good target, so I pick on him for the humor. Needs of the many and all that.

Data: Why was Worf falling in the water funny?
Crusher: Because it's fun to laugh at other people.
Data: OK. *push*
Crusher: Splash!
Geordi: Data!
Data: That was...
Geordi: ...absolutely hilarious! Maybe you're figuring out humor after all.

Derek: But, no, I don't really have anything against Riker. Oh! This scene! I put in Geordi's follow-up of "absolutely hilarious" as a little commentary of mine on the movie. I found the scene very funny, and judging by others who've seen it, they do too, so I figured I'd say what everyone thought. So not only does this scene have a joke in that Geordi's line is the opposite of what he said in the movie, but also it's funny because the actual scene was funny.
Mme Blueberry: Okay.
Derek: Yeah. Oh, did you know that the stunt double for Dr. Crusher falling in the water was Patricia Tallman, who played Lyta Alexander on Babylon 5?
Mme Blueberry: You know, we're not actually watching the movie or seeing that scene, so I'll just have to take your word for it.
Derek: Well, it is. At least according to IMDB.

Bridge: Bridge to Captain. Your family is dead and there's a space station under attack.
Picard: Well, that sucks.
Riker: Does this mean we don't have to hear all those boring family stories from you anymore, sir?
Picard: Computer, remove Riker.
Computer: Only holographic ima--
Picard: I know, I know.

Derek: Heh. Yeah, I like the follow up to the last Riker scene in this one. Same command to the computer and everything. I still think Riker's line to Picard is one of the funniest lines I've ever written.
Mme Blueberry: I didn't think it was that funny.
Derek: Really? Hm. Oh, I had one other point I wanted to make on the scene before this one. I noticed that when Data pushed Dr. Crusher into the water, I phrased it as "*push*". I think if I were writing that fiver today, I would've put it in parentheses.
Mme Blueberry: I think it gets the point across fine.
Derek: Well, yeah, but it doesn't seem to quite fit the fiver style guidelines.

Riker: We searched the station and found lithium, dilithium, quadlithium, quintlithium, sexlithium, and a whiny scientist.
Picard: But you didn't find any trilithium?
Riker: No, sir, that was behind a hidden door we didn't know was there.
Picard: Alright, send Geordi and Data after they insert his emotion chip.

Mme Blueberry: I don't think it really makes a difference if it makes your point clearly.
Derek: I guess so.

Data: It's great having emotions. HA HA HA!
Geordi: Data, what's so funny?
Data: You and Dr. Brahms. You didn't even know she was married. You are such a klutz with women.
Geordi: (sigh)

Derek: Heh. I referenced the joke in Marc's fiver for "Booby Trap" about Geordi being a klutz.
Mme Blueberry: So you stole from him?
Derek: No, no, see, it's funny. It's a joke of repetition. When a joke is repeated in a fiver, it's funnier; so I figured a joke referenced across multiple fivers would be funnier still.
Mme Blueberry: So you stole from him.
Derek: Not just him: IJD, Kira, Zeke... I stole from all the greats. But the point is that I did it for the sake of inter-fiver continuity.
Mme Blueberry: Hm.

Picard: It really sucks that my family's all dead.
Troi: Your family history means a lot to you, doesn't it?
Picard: Yes, I remember learning about the Picard that won all the pie-eating contests, the Picard that crossdressed, the Picard that slept with his best friend's wife and had a son named Wesley....
Troi: (muttering) Please let something big happen so I don't have to keep listening to him.
Star: BOOM
Troi: Thank you.

Derek: In fact I still do it from time to time.

Mme Blueberry: What made you decide to do Generations?
Derek: Well, a couple of things actually: I had bought the TNG movie DVD pack recently; and it was the only TNG movie not yet fived. That coupled with a lot of spare time at my job caused me to try to write this one.
Mme Blueberry: And you sent it in without requesting it.
Derek: Yeah. Oops. To my defense, the Submissions FAQ was not currently posted on the site, so I just sent it in to Zeke. I probably stepped on some people's toes by doing it out of the blue, but oh well.
Mme Blueberry: What did Zeke say about that?
Derek: You know what's funny is that I had sent it in from my work email, and Zeke being his normal quick responder to emails, by the time he sent a response, I was gone and the business was basically closed.
Mme Blueberry: You should've set up forwarding.
Derek: Yeah, they offered, but since I'd gone two weeks or so without a response from Zeke, I figured he'd either laughed my fiver off, or hadn't laughed at all. It wasn't until March, when the fiver was published that I realized he'd accepted it.

Riker: Data, get Geordi before the space station explodes.
Data: I can't, sir. I'm too emotional right now.
Riker: Uh.... You are a male android, aren't you?

Mme Blueberry: What about other emails?
Derek: I didn't receive any other emails at my work email that weren't work-related and I didn't think I'd need to worry about work-related emails after I'd left.
: One thing that I tried working into this fiver -- that I've tried working into a number of fivers actually, but never succeeded in doing -- is calling a female android a "gynoid". But it's really hard to work etymological jokes like that naturally into conversation.
Mme Blueberry: I don't really think it's all that funny either.
Derek: What? It's hilarious! Hilarious, I tell you! Okay, okay, it isn't all that great, which compounds the problem since I can't ever make it the punchline, so I have to work it in to the earlier part of the scene. Oh well, at least I was able to mention it here in the commentary.

Crusher: His emotion chip is fused. He has to deal with it.
Picard: What were you doing with that soldering iron?
Crusher: Whoops. You weren't supposed to see that.

Mme Blueberry: This commentary is just one long ego trip for you, isn't it?
Derek: In contrast to the rest of my experience here at Five-Minute Voyager?
Mme Blueberry: Good point.
Derek: I always liked this scene we just saw 'cause it showed that Dr. Crusher got her revenge for Data pushing her in the water.

Picard: So tell me about this whiny scientist.
Guinan: He's Soran. He's trying to get back to the Nexus.
Picard: The Ferengi leader?
Guinan: Nexus, not Nagus. Think of it as Heaven or Nirvana or something like that.

Mme Blueberry: Why don't you tell everyone how you found out about Five-Minute Voyager in the first place?
Derek: Okay. Let's see. I hadn't been into Star Trek since I started college back in 1997, and I'd never seen any Voyager beyond "Caretaker", but before that I had been a big Trek fan.
Mme Blueberry: This is going to be a long story, isn't it?
Derek: Probably. So anyway, after I graduated from college, I started hearing about some new stuff Trek was doing; namely, Nemesis and Enterprise, both of which I became interested in. One day, I followed a link on slashdot.org to a rather in depth spoiler summary for Nemesis on trektoday.com, and while I was there I noticed that there were parodies of Enterprise episodes. Finding them hilarious, I eventually clicked the link to the home site, and read all the TNG fivers, and finally toyed with the idea of writing one.
Mme Blueberry: And this is the result.
Derek: This is the result.
Mme Blueberry: Hm.

Picard: Let's go to Veridian 3.
Riker: Because that's where Soran will be?
Picard: No, because I'm looking for green chrome.
Data: Captain, just because Veridian is homophonous with viridian does not mean there will be green chrome in the Veridian system.
Picard: That's what someone once said to my great uncle Pierre Picard. Of course, Pierre wouldn't take no for an answer and--
Riker: (plugging ears) Set a course for Veridian 3, maximum warp!

Derek: As a tip for all aspiring fivists: Sometimes when you're looking for a joke, it doesn't hurt to look up random words in the dictionary.
Mme Blueberry: ...It doesn't mean the joke will be any good though.
Derek: True, but I did like the Picard family history joke. See? Joke repetition is funny. Especially if you can add to it each time.
Mme Blueberry: Like with Spacebears?

Lursa: Hey, Captain! Who knew being recurring characters would land us a movie?
Picard: Give me back my engineer.
B'Etor: Sure, just a sec. We're working on wiring a hidden camera to him.
Picard: OK. We'll wait for you to finish.

Derek: (Laughing) Yeah, like with Spacebears. Those fickle Spacebears. One minute they're harmless little pinecones; next thing you know they're these huge monstrous beasts that are planning to enslave the human race.
Mme Blueberry: (Also laughing) With forty-foot long claws.
(Laughter)
Derek: You remember that skit? ROAR! ROAR? ROARRR!
(Laughter)
Mme Blueberry: (Laughing) I remember. Those were good times.

Worf: If they launch a missile to blow up the sun again, we may not be able to hit it during the 11 seconds it takes to hit the sun.
Picard: It takes 11 seconds to go from ground to sun? How is that possible? It takes sunlight 8 minutes to reach Earth, and even if this planet is half that distance to its sun and the missile has warp capabilities it should still take a long enough time for us to shoot it down.
Worf: If you were any other man, I would kill you where you stand!

Derek: Ugh. I think I would rewrite this scene if I could.
Mme Blueberry: Why?
Derek: Well, I think that long lines of dialogue from a single person impede the short, snappy flow that fivers normally have.
Mme Blueberry: I think it's okay.
Derek: It's okay; I just don't think I'd do it this way if I were rewriting this.

Lursa: Even with this cool hidden camera hidden in Geordi's VISOR, we would like another prisoner in exchange.
Data: Me, captain.
Picard: No, Data, we need you. How about Riker?
B'Etor: We wouldn't take your first officer for all the trilithium in the universe.
Picard: Me, then. But beam me down to the planet. So I won't die with you.
Lursa: Fair enough.

Mme Blueberry: What else would you do differently?
Derek: I don't know. It'd probably be longer. I'd probably make some more modern references reflecting my greater familiarity with DS9, VOY, ENT, B5, etc.
Mme Blueberry: And you'd put in Spacebears, right?
(Laughter)
Derek: Yeah, and Spacebears. Though I could've put them in even then, I think. That joke was from before I graduated Tech.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, it was from Winter Retreat, wasn't it? Down in Forsyth?
Derek: I think so, but I don't remember which year.

Soran: Hey, Captain. Fancy meeting you here.
Picard: Don't do this or I'll speechify.
Soran: I can speechify too.
Picard: Then it seems we have reached an impasse.

Derek: Hm. You know, this scene doesn't seem especially funny anymore. It's just got a passive reference to The Princess Bride and the word "speechify".
Mme Blueberry: It's pretty close to how it happened in the episode though.
Derek: Movie, not episode.
Mme Blueberry: Right, I meant movie. We'll have to come back and edit that out later.
Derek: You'd better write it down or else we'll forget.
Mme Blueberry: Nah, I think it'll be pretty easy to remember.

Crusher: Hey, Geordi. You're okay now. I did everything but remove the hidden camera from your VISOR.
Geordi: Thanks, Doc. I better go to Engineering, so in case I don't see you: Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

Derek: Ah, yes. Truman Show references. Haven't seen that movie in a while.
Mme Blueberry: It was pretty good. I liked it.
Derek: Not enough to get it on DVD though.
Mme Blueberry: I don't think I'd mind having it on DVD, but I don't want to spend the money for it.

Worf: The Klingon ship has found a way to penetrate our shields!
Riker: Try remodulating them.
Worf: Too late!
Riker: What do you mean too late? You're just standing there!
Worf: Definitely feeling aggresive tendencies!

Derek: Yeah. You know, Will thought the movie was a humanist attack on Christianity where the "Tru Man" rejects "Christ"of.
Mme Blueberry: Hm. Sounds like Will.
Derek: I was taking English 1002 at the time, so my only thought of it was that it was a brilliant expression of post-modernism.
Mme Blueberry: You are so old. I was still in high school then.
Derek: At least I'm not as old as Jenn.
(Laughter)

Riker: Data, the Klingon ship is giving us as bad a pounding as they gave the Enterprise in Star Trek VI. Is there anyway we can use that to our advantage?
Data: Yes! We can try a maneuver similar to one in Star Trek II!

Mme Blueberry: So back to the fiver....
Derek: Right, the fiver. So, uh, this scene really reminded me of Star Trek II where Kirk forced Khan's ship to lower its shields.
Mme Blueberry: You said that in your fiver too.
Derek: Well, it did.

Klingon: Our shields are lowering!
Khan: Raise them!

Mme Blueberry: You just like hearing yourself read your fiver.
Derek: More than that, I just like my fivers in general. I write them to the point where I think they're funny. If anyone else does, that's just extra.
Mme Blueberry: Do you need me to move over to give your ego a little more room?

Soran: How'd you get in here?
Picard: Never mind. I'm here to fight you.
Soran: You're no match for me and now I'm going to blow up the sun.

Derek: No, I'm good. Thanks.
Mme Blueberry: I didn't think this scene was all that great.
Derek: No, I don't think it's especially funny. Its only redeeming grace is later in the fiver when we see the same scene again, only different.

Klingon Ship: BOOM
Enterprise: BOOM
Enterprise Saucer: CRASH
Sun: BOOM
Enterprise Saucer: BOOM
Planet: BOOM

Derek: Even though this scene doesn't have any real dialog or humor, I do remember that it was one of the scenes singled out by one of the forumgoers as being a useful contraction and summary of the events.
Mme Blueberry: Hm. Yeah.
Derek: I don't remember anyone else's comments on the fiver though.

Picard: Where am I?
Picard's wife: Heaven.
Picard: And it's Christmas?
Picard's wife: Of course. It's always Christmas in Heaven.

Mme Blueberry: I don't get the joke on this one.
Derek: It's from Monty Python.
Mme Blueberry: Ah. And I'm guessing it's not from Holy Grail since I would've recognized that.
Derek: No, it's from The Meaning of Life.
Mme Blueberry: Hm.

Picard: I need you to come back with me.
Kirk: And leave Heaven? Not hardly.
Picard: I'll speechify....
Kirk: Yikes. Maybe this isn't Heaven. I think I will leave.

Derek: I wrote this scene while thinking of that milk commercial even though I never actually referenced it. You remember that one?
Mme Blueberry: The one with the guy and the cookies? Yeah.
Derek: That was a great commercial. "Wait a minute, where am I?" And then the milk had the fire animation on it.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, I remember.

Soran: How'd you get here?
Kirk: Never mind. I'm here to fight you.
Soran: Woah. Deja vu.

Derek: Yeah, see? This is referencing back to that other scene, so it's a little funnier.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, some. I like the Veggietales reference.
Derek: You would. You're named after one of the characters.
Mme Blueberry: Yep.
Derek: I didn't actually like the episode "Madame Blueberry" all that much though. Except for the Silly Song.

Soran: Get away from the controls!
Picard: That's OK. I already locked the docking clamps. I was only playing Pong.
Soran: Now I just need to launch the missile.

Mme Blueberry: It was a Love Song, not a Silly Song. That was the whole point.
Derek: Ah, Pong. What a great game.

Enterprise Saucer: CRASH
Missile: BOOM

Derek: And here we see an abbreviated crash-boom scene.
Mme Blueberry: Yes, thank you for that, Counsellor.
Derek: Yeah, but it corresponds to the earlier scene.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, I know.

Picard: Here I am.
Kirk: Crap. I wanted to die alone. Agh! (dies)

Derek: Ah, yes, dredging up painful Star Trek V memories for the sake of a joke.
Mme Blueberry: I'll take your word for it. I've never seen it.
Derek: We've got it on DVD.
Mme Blueberry: No, no. That's okay. If it's as bad as you say, I think I'll be okay not watching it.
Derek: True.

Picard: Well, the mantle has now been passed to us.
Riker: I wonder how many more movies we'll be making.
Picard: A small handful most likely.
Riker: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to make movies forever!

Derek: And the funny thing is, if any TNG character will reappear in another Trek movie, it probably will be Riker. And Troi.
Mme Blueberry: Okay.
Derek: Four is a small handful, right? A handful is five, isn't it?
Mme Blueberry: I don't know. Several is three or four.
Derek: Either way, it works fine. And if they ever do another Trek movie with any TNG characters, it'll still work.

(The salvage ships blast off at Ludicrous Speed)

Derek: And there go the salvage ships. I didn't really take any deviations from the standard "ship blasts off at Ludicrous Speed" line. The only real deviation was the necessary one, in that the Enterprise-D was no more, so it couldn't blast off. But the movie does show the salvage ships blasting off, so it's even a real blast off and not a manufactured one to end the fiver.
Mme Blueberry: Yep.
Derek: So anyway, I guess that's it. I hope all of you who read the fiver enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. It launched me on my career of fiver writing, allowing me even to go so far as becoming a section head and everything.
Mme Blueberry: Yep. Fiving is just a part of our marriage.
Derek: Heh. Sad but true. But it was nice getting that wedding fiver from the staff.
Mme Blueberry: Yeah, it really was.
Derek: I feel like there should be credits or something, now that the fiver's over.
Mme Blueberry: Nope, there's just the "THE END".

THE END

Mme Blueberry: See?
Derek: Yep. Right as always. Well, so long everyone, thanks for reading the commentary.
Mme Blueberry: Bye!

Original fiver: Star Trek: Generations by Derek Dean

Site navigation:
Home
___ Features
___ ___ First Fiver Retrospectives: Derek