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Ten Little Comedians, Part 2
by Zeke
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A decimation of Tenth Anniversary Week |
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Previously on Ten Little Comedians...
Derek: You realize there aren't ten of us. Zeke: I figured we'd each bring a sidekick. IJD: So where's yours? Zeke: Well, I invited Vedra, but he had other plans. I think he'll find he's still involved, though... in a sense. (Elsewhere) Vedra: *struggles with his front door* Okay, what the HELL? |
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(It's been a few minutes since the door slammed. Unsure of what to do, the guests have started milling around again.)
Kelonzi: Well, great. I guess this is what comes of associating with you. Zeke: Come on, it's just a coincidence. Kelonzi: You think so? (Kelonzi shows Zeke her invitation.) Zeke: "...your expertise on Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Whoa! Kelonzi: I can only assume it's about the website. I'm not a professional Buffy fan. Zeke: Interesting. It doesn't say expertise on Buffy parodies. IJD: Neither does mine. Zeke: I didn't know you were into Buffy. IJD: No, I mean mine says "expertise on the original Star Trek." Sa'ar: Same here. Zeke: You're an expert on the original Star Trek? Sa'ar: Mine says "expertise on Babylon 5." Scooter: Mine too. Zeke: When did you all switch subsites? Scooter: With "Doctor Who" in there, obviously. Zeke: I'm so confused! IJD: What about you, Derek? Derek: Oh? Uh, just like yours, of course. Scooter: Why do you sound hesitant? (Pause) Derek: I'm not hesitant. IJD: Okay, let's see it. (Derek sighs and hands his card over.) IJD: "...expertise on Deep Space Nine and Smallville." Derek: It's just not fair. Sa'ar: What about yours, Zeke? With all your subsites, it must be pretty long. Zeke: Mine just says "expertise on parodies." There's also this little superscripted question mark. Sa'ar: Strange... I wonder if the difference is significant. Scooter: It must be. We've spent all these lines establishing it. IJD: So what do we do now? Zeke: At times like this, when leadership is called for -- Sa'ar: We wait six months for you to decide? Zeke: No, I'm in one of my prompt phases. Let's talk to the other guests. Maybe if we find out what they're here for, we'll get some idea of our captors' purpose. Derek: Sounds reasonable. Let's start with this guy. Chaff: Hmm? Derek: Hi, I'm Derek. Chaff: (shaking hands) Chandra Ocacokhan. My friends call me Chaff. Derek: Quite a fix we're in, eh? Chaff: I'm not too worried. It's just a door. It do what it do. Derek: So what are you an expert on? Chaff: Only the greatest sci-fi series ever made -- Battlestar Galactica! Zeke: Oh reeeeeally? Chaff: You better frakkin' believe it! BSG is more mature and intelligent than the human race even deserves! Zeke: You don't say. Hey, there are drinks on that table. Why don't I get you one? Chaff: Thanks. I'd like -- Zeke: I think I'll get you some Kool-Aid. Chaff: But I -- Zeke: And then we can talk some more about BSG while you drink the Kool-Aid. Chaff: Now wait a minute here. IJD: (to the others) I have a feeling he'll be at this for a while. Let's go. Derek: Probably wise. (They wander away.) Zeke: Go ahead, guzzle it down. Chaff: Is it my fault you don't know quality when you see it? Zeke: Oh no, I agree! That's quality Kool-Aid! |
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Scooter: Dairy farm, huh? How's that working out for you?
Farmer: It's a good living. There are downsides, of course... the hard work, the smell, the risk of certain medical conditions... Scooter: Lactic acid buildup? Farmer: Pasture eyes. Scooter: Ah. So how do you cope? Farmer: Philosophy. I wear the cheese -- it does not wear me. (Kelonzi perks up.) Scooter: I don't see you wearing cheese. Farmer: Well, not right this second... Scooter: Do you, in fact, have any cheese at all? Farmer: Huh? Scooter: Sorry. Monty Python. Farmer: You mean those British guys? Scooter: ...Yes. |
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Smythe: So that was pretty hard on my reputation, but I've come back from it now. My recent work on the size of the Andromeda galaxy was well-received.
Sa'ar: It must be exciting to work in astrology. Smythe: Astronomy. Sa'ar: Oh, sorry. I don't mean to insult your pride as an astrologer. Smythe: Astronomer! Sa'ar: Hey, what's my horoscope for today? Smythe: I'm an ASTRONOMER! Sa'ar: I'm an Aquarius. (Smythe starts turning purple. Sa'ar grins. This is a new record.) |
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IJD: ...just don't get a PG rating.
Melissa: That doesn't make sense. IJD: Believe me, it does. So what's your name? Melissa: Stevenson Melissa. IJD: Okay. Melissa: You're one of the polite ones. Most people ask if I said it backwards. IJD: Well, these days -- Melissa: When I'm really just using Japanese name order, which any idiot knows is superior. IJD: Righ... huh? Melissa: If it's good enough for the most awesome place in the world, it should be good enough for us! IJD: I get the impression you're here as an expert on -- Melissa: Anime! I love it! I've watched the entire run of Ranma 1/2 six times! IJD: Pfft, watch every original Trek episode nine times and we'll talk. Melissa: Who needs that gaijin stuff? Anime has everything! Rivalries! Male bonding! Gorgeous men who look like reasonably attractive women! IJD: And giant robots? Melissa: Piloted by teenage boys with something to prove! IJD: You're not a big fan of female characters, are you? Melissa: *shrug* They're okay. Except love interests. They need to BURN. IJD: Ah. Melissa: BUUUUUUUUURN. (Awkward pause.) Melissa: Hee hee! IJD: So... no offense, but where does the expertise come in? Melissa: Two thousand reviews on FanFiction.net can't be wrong! |
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Derek: Say, I feel like I've met you before.
Reporter: Could be. I've talked to a lot of people. This job takes me everywhere. Distant countries, important events, occasionally the future... Derek: Wow. Reporter: Though I end up in Hollywood half the time for some reason. Derek: You must be working for a pretty big news outlet. Reporter: ...Sure. Sure, you could say that. I mean, most people wouldn't, but you could. Derek: Ah. Reporter: I'm not getting a pretty big paycheck, is all I'm saying. Derek: Right. Reporter: Dunno where I'd be without big fat bribes and kickbacks. Derek: Right... Reporter: On the other hand, I do get away with some pretty ridiculous bias. Derek: Wait a minute. You're not that reporter, are you? Reporter: That reporter? No. Derek: I mean -- Zeke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Derek: Zeke? *follows the noise* Reporter: Hey! Did you say Zeke? That dsokdpach stiffed me on a half-million-dollar hush payment! |
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(Everyone is rushing around. The staffers arrive to find Zeke frozen in horror, pointing at a woman with long black hair.)
Zeke: S... S... IJD: What? What is it? Zeke: *gulps* Scooter: Did she do something? Zeke: ALL DIE! Derek: Oh, I see. (to the rather quiet-looking woman) Ma'am, did your hair by any chance fall in front of your face a minute ago? Quiet Woman: ...I guess it might have... sometimes when I lean forward like this... *hair falls* Zeke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Derek: Take it easy, Zeke. She isn't the girl from The Ring. Zeke: SADAKO! I KNEW SHE WOULD COME! Sa'ar: Sorry, ma'am. He gets like this sometimes. Quiet Woman: ...No no. This is very interesting... Scooter: I would have pegged it as annoying, myself. Quiet Woman: ...I've encountered this before... Derek: Really? Quiet Woman: ...I study it... I call it Ring-related trauma... IJD: Are there that many Ring victims around? Quiet Woman: ...More than you'd think... Zeke: So... so you're not really her? Quiet Woman: ...She isn't real... I'm just a psychologist... Zeke: And the resemblance is a coincidence? Quiet Woman: ...It comes in handy... Helps me find subjects... Zeke: I'm sorry I panicked. What's your name? Quiet Woman: ...Dr. Yamamura... (Zeke hides behind Sa'ar.) Quiet Woman: ...I should probably change it... IJD: *turns back to the group* Whatever. Did you guys find out anything useful? (All shrug.) IJD: Me neither. The assortment seems pretty random. Kriegsgräber: Ladies and gentlemen! (They turn. Kriegsgräber is standing on one of the refreshment tables, which looks less than thrilled about it.) Kriegsgräber: We must organize ourselves! We are trapped, and the murders have already begun! Sa'ar: No they haven't. Zeke's just chicken. Zeke: All right, all right... Kriegsgräber: What are you talking about? The butler! The butler is dead! Sa'ar: Huh? Kriegsgräber: We found his body a moment ago! He had been stabbed with his own serving tray! Scooter: Oh. I guess we weren't all rushing around for the same reason just now. Derek: Simultaneity is the scourge of mankind. Zeke: Wait, stabbed? IJD: Dammit! We hadn't talked to him yet! That's some perfectly good NPC dialogue lost forever. Kriegsgräber: Everyone, the time has come to pool our resources! Derek: Such as? Kriegsgräber: Information! We were all invited here for different reasons. There must be a purpose behind it. Let us find out. Sa'ar: Round-table introductions, huh? I'm Steve and I enjoy Sinatra and long walks on the beach. Kriegsgräber: Essentials only, please. I shall begin... I have been invited as an expert on Shakespeare. Farmer: I'm an expert on cheese. Chaff: Battlestar Galactica here. Kelonzi: Me? Buffy. Melissa: Anime! Quiet Woman: ...The Ring... Smythe: Andromeda. (As the guests continue responding, deathly silence has descended on the 5M.net staff.) Zeke: Guys, you know how Copernicus proved that everything in our solar system revolves around the sun? Sa'ar: Yeah... Zeke: I think I know how the sun felt. TO BE CONTINUED... |
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