Five-Minute "Our Mrs. Reynolds"
by Jade

Bandit: Welcome to Marlboro Country. Now let us rob you.
Jayne: Bad idea. My wife/captain in disguise will shoot you.
Bandit: Her? Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly!
Mal: I would too!
Bandit: Would not.
Mal: Would too!
Bandit: Would not!
Mal: Wou--
Zoe's Gun: BANG BANG!
Mal: Aw, Zoe! He can't know I'm right if he's dead!
Zoe: Somehow I just can't bring myself to care.

Mal: I'm very, very drunk. Hey, what a pretty girl!
Saffron: I'm afraid you've underestimated me, mister. See, not only am I a pretty girl, I am a pretty girl who is at this very moment marrying you! And you're not even noticing!
Mal: As I said before... very, very drunk.

Saffron: Hi! Now that you can't get rid of me... Remember when we got married last night?
Mal: What? Hello! We didn't get married.
Book: Um, yes you did.
Mal: Did not!
Saffron: Did too!
Mal: Did not!
Saffron: Did... whatever, I'm bored of this argument. I'm gonna run off and cry now.
Book: Well, I'm not bored... Did too!

Mal: I don't wanna be married to you. I'm going to get rid of you as soon as possible.
Saffron: But, but I'll cook for you and everything!
Mal: Ooh...
Book: No! Don't let her do that!
Mal: Why not?
Book: She'll reorganize all the cupboards! Put the knives in the fork drawer! Rearrange the refrigerator magnets! My perfect kitchen will be ruined!
Mal: Ooookay...

Saffron: Sweetheart, please sit down. Allow me to tend to you.
Mal: Um...
Zoe: Mal, don't you dare sit down or allow her to tend to you.
Mal: Er...
Wash: Ooh, alcohol!
Mal: Um, yeah. My turn to run off!

Inara: What are you doing in my shuttle?
Mal: Playing hide and seek with Saffron.
Inara: You're playing hide and seek without me? You meanie! I'm mad now.
Mal: Aw.

Jayne: Jayne have big gun called Vera. Trade for pretty lady.
Mal: You call that a big gun? I know a captain who has a way bigger gun than that. She calls it Betsy. Anyway, if I give Saffron to you, Inara won't kiss me later on. So no trade.
Jayne: Aw! Jayne sad.

Saffron: Found you!
Mal: You counted to a million already?
Saffron: Sure. Zero million, one million, ready or not, here I come!
Mal: That's... nice.
Saffron: Hey look! We're bonding.
Mal: Um. Yeah.

Bree: I'm Bree. Bree the ship fisher.
Bree's Boss: Carrie Fisher?
Bree: No! My name isn't Fisher! I am a fisher! I fish!
Bree's Boss: Aw.
Bree: For things like that Firefly.
Bree's Boss: But that's not a fish. It's a fly.
Bree: (sings) There was an old woman who swallowed a fly, I don't know why she swallowed a fly... she swallowed the fish to catch the fly... hang on, that's not right.
Big Ship-Catching Net: Hey! Don't call me old!

Zoe: Let's argue.
Wash: About geese? Or how about old DOS games? Don't you think I look like Duke Nukem?
Zoe: No.
Wash: I do too!
Zoe: Do not.
Wash: Do too.
Zoe: Okay, my turn to run off, thus ending this argument.
Wash: Aw.

Saffron: Hi! I'm naked.
Mal: That's... nice?
Saffron: Well no, actually, because it's cold in outer space.
Mal: Huh. We'll have to do something about that. Kiss me, Kate.
Saffron: My name isn't Kate. Or Saffron, for that... Oh drat, now I've given myself away. I'll have to drug you by kissing you now.
Mal: Well, as long as there's kisszzzzz...

Saffron: Hi!
Wash: Hi. Do you think I look like Duke Nukem?
Saffron: A little, I guess.
Wash: Ha! See, I knew -- OW!
Saffron: Twerp. Now watch while I screw the ship up completely just by pulling this wire out and attaching these two.
Wash: I can't. I'm unconscious.
Saffron: Aw.

Inara: Found you!
Saffron: Aaah! Um, er, what?
Inara: Mal told me about your little game of hide and seek. I thought I'd join in.
Saffron: Um...
Alarm: MEEEEP. MEEEEP. MEEEEP.
Inara: Hey, you're a vampire!
Saffron: What?
Inara: Darn, wrong show. But hey, you're evil!
Saffron: Um, yeah, bye!

Zoe: Well, here we have a scene of overall panic and chaos.
Inara: And here we have a favorite scene of Mal/Inara shippers everywhere: I kiss passed-out Mal and then pass out myself.
Mal: Romantic, ain't it?

Mal: Hey, I'm awake!
Wash: Me too!
Inara: I didn't kiss Mal!
Zoe: That's nice. We're in trouble.
Mal, Wash, and Inara: Drat.

Kaylee: Breaking onto our own bridge. Fun.
Jayne: Of course it's fun. I get to wear goggles!

Wash: We can't change course.
Mal: Why not?
Kaylee: Saffron put gum on the "change course" button and now it's stuck.
Zoe: Well, what an evil genius she must be.
Inara: I didn't kiss Mal!
Mal: We know that. Now Wash, stop being lazy and use some technobabble for once, would you?

Bree: Here, fishy fishy fishy... Come on now, get caught in the nice net...
Big Ship-Catching Net: Ah, appreciation at last!

Wash: So, I fixed the screen.
Mal: How?
Wash: I wiped the dirt off it. Well, first I drew smiley faces in the dirt, but then I wiped it off...
Book: Hey look, a fishing net! And we're heading right for it!
Jayne: Ooh... fishnet stockings...
Wash: But we're not fish.
Mal: Try telling them that. All they can see is the big eyes and scales that Kaylee painted on the side of Serenity for Halloween last year.
Wash: Kaylee! I knew all that creativity would get you into trouble someday!
Kaylee: Like you're not creative, Mr. "I tell epic stories with my plastic dinosaurs!"
Mal: Hey, at least that can be explained away with insanity.
Wash: Hey!

Big Ship-Catching Net: Aww. I'm so pretty.

Book: We're doomed!
Mal: Nah.

Jayne: And so Jayne saves the day, along with his sidekicks, Vera and Technobabble. Go me!
Big Ship-Catching Net: Ow.
All: Woo!

Mal: Ooh, snow. Give me back my shuttle.
Saffron: Mal, shuttle theft is a time-honored sci-fi tradition!
Mal: I don't care. Unlike some people, I have neither shuttles named "Kenny" nor a guy called Carey to build new ones for me. Now hand it over!
Saffron: Fine, whatever.
Mal: Thanks. Hey, nice fishnet stockings!
Saffron: Yeah. Jayne gave them to me.

Mal: You didn't kiss me.
Inara: Did too!
Mal: Did not.
Inara: Sigh...
(The level of UST rises at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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