Five-Minute "Pilot"

by Zeke

Dark Riders: Ha ha! Urban destruction! Woo!
Terrified Civilian: Someone's got to stop these punks... but their motorcycles are just too fast! If only there were someone even faster...
Terrified Civilian's Wife: And maybe bulletproof too?
Terrified Civilian: Nah, I'm sure fast is enough.

Henry Allen: Boy, it's great to be celebrating my birthday with my successful cop son.
Barry: *cough*
Henry: And the other son. I guess.
Jay: Give Barry a break, Dad. His forensic work contribu--
Henry: Come on, we all know there's no future in that CSI stuff!

Nora Allen: And you're sure you're not any kind of journalist?
Iris: No, I do art with computers! I swear that's a real job!
Nora: Sorry, dear. Call me overprotective... I was just hoping to see Barry with someone comics-accurate.
Iris: You should talk after naming his brother Jay!

Jay: Don't let Dad get to you, Barry. He'll learn to respect what you do eventually.
Barry: Easy for the "real" cop to say. Sometimes I think you'd have to be dead first.
Jay and Barry: *stare at camera*
Barry: Oh, by the way, I found this old medal of yours.
Jay: Great! That's sure to bring me good luck with this dangerous Riders case.
Jay and Barry: *stare at camera*

Linda: Excuse me! Linda Park, WCCN. What can you tell us abo-- wait, you're not an officer, are you?
Barry: Why did you even think that? I'm not in uniform.
Linda: CUT!
Barry: (calling after her) And did you say Linda Park? Either you've got your Flashes crossed or you missed your flight to space.

Interviewer: So if I understand you correctly, Lieutenant, you're saying the police are utterly powerless against the terrifying Riders?
Lieutenant: I'm not sure how you got that from "Hello", but --
Julio: *switches TV off* Don't let this coverage get to you, man.
Barry: Why does everyone think I'm letting things get to me? Look, you go ahead home, I'm just going to obsessively work through the night on this evidence.
Julio: Okay, but careful on your way home. It's really lightninging out there. ...Lightning? Lightening?
Barry: Don't strain yourself.

Julio: Oh no! Barry! Good thing I didn't strain myself leaving the building, huh?
Barry: *sizzles*
Julio: Yeah, I guess this isn't the time.

Nora: Barry! The doctor said you were in a coma!
Doctor: (offscreen) Sorry, I was looking at chart 201.4. This case is chart 199.0. He's fine.
Nora: After being struck by lightning?
Barry: And doused with dangerous chemicals. But yeah, it's funny, I just want to get back to work.
Henry: Pfft. A real cop would've just put a bandaid on it.

Iris: I know that look, Barry. You'd better not be planning to propose again. Near-death experience or not, I'm too '90s for that.
Barry: Hm? No, I'm just watching for a waitress to drop her tray like the iconic comic moment.
(Ten minutes pass)
Barry: Really? A diner scene right after the accident and we're not doing that?
Iris: I'm leaving.
Barry: Can you shove a waitress on your way out?

Rick: Baby, we've gotta quit this gang. It's getting too violent and Tim Burtonesque. You'll come with me, right?
Lila: Of course, my beloved. Hey Pike, this guy's quitting!
Rick: Really? Not even a scene change?
Lila: Look, I'm just trying to get this subplot over with quickly. I'm in it and I'm already forgetting what happens.

Julio: Hey, STAR Labs wants you to come in for a consultation.
Barry: The hospital shared my data with them? Their motto is "We are literally mad scientists."
Julio: I know, right? Who's that loose with the word "literally"?

Barry: *accidentally zooms across a park*
Barry: *eats all the food in his apartment*
Barry: *outruns a bus by 500 miles*
Barry: Okay, I'm prepared to admit that mad science may have something to say about my situation.

Tina: Hi, I'm Dr. Tina McGee.
Barry: Y--
Tina: And I think we've had enough "wrong Flash" comments already, so let's proceed with this completely sane and not at all mad investigation. First, run on this treadmill.
Barry: Okay. Here g-- (BOOOOM)
Tina: Cosmic! Let's try that again while blasting you with radiation!

Pike: The cops will never stop us. I wrote the book on anti-motorcycle tactics.
Pike: See, literally wrote the book. Because I used to be one of --

Tina: For your next test, let's see how fast you can sort this deck of --
Barry: Enough with the tests! You're supposed to be curing me, not just making me admit I don't know what order the suits go in!
Tina: Why are you so eager to be cured? You're a scientist, you know full well your powers are the biggest mystery ever to hit biology or physics! Why don't you want to experiment?
Barry: Remember how you just told me your husband experimented himself to death?
Tina: Don't change the subject. Or wait, keep doing it and let me time you.

Iris: Look, Barry, I need some space.
Barry: That's fine. Space has recently become much less of a concern for me.
Iris: I just need to think abo-- are you smoking?
Barry: That's my shoes.
Iris: Well, they should quit.

Test Tube: POOF
Jay: Ack! (cough)
Barry: Hey, don't mess with the heavy water! What if you inhale the fumes?
Jay: Isn't this just hard water?
Barry: Look, I don't trust anything in here right now.

Jay: And as leader of the new task force, I promise to keep everyone in this city safe from the Dark Riders!
Several People: GAK!
Jay: -- uh, starting now! I'll protect you all starting now.

Pike: Hahaha! See that guy on the news? He betrayed me! We kill him next!
Pike: Oh, I guess I sent everybody out on that drive-by.

Tina: Before we test you on the racetrack, try this suit. It's from an abandoned Soviet project called "Red Trinity" or something.
Barry: Does it really need the molded muscles? I feel like I'm wearing Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Tina: The important thing is durability. At your top speed, normal clothes might well be destroyed comple-- whoaaaaa!
Tina: That was amazing! But why did you carry me along?
Barry: Uh, no reason. By the way, I think you may be wrong about the clothes thing.

Julio: Just got back a DNA test. Looks like the guy behind the Dark Riders is your brother's old partner Pike.
Barry: Huh! He must be doing a lot better. When Jay busted him, he crashed his bike and got hurt so bad the hospital had him in this chair with lights for Yes and No.
Julio: Wait, didn't that bust happen on Highway 61? 'Cause Jay's on his way there now for a call... you think Pike would revisit it?
Barry: Oh no! I've gotta warn Jay, he's not a Bob Dylan fan!

Pike: Time to die, Allen!
Jay: Would it help if I said the Snake Plissken look is really working for you? -- GAK!
Pike: Huh, I actually do feel a little bad now.

Barry: Jay! Noooo! I couldn't get here fast enough!
Barry: Don't think I don't see what you're doing, writers.

Henry: I can't believe he's gone. Oh, Barry, I've been such a fool to think my sons should be doing dangerous police wo--
Barry: Dad, I'm going to get revenge on Pike whatever it takes.
Henry: No! If we lost you too, it would kill your mom! And I think we can all agree that her death is the last thing your origin story needs.

Barry: Tina, I need you to extend that suit into a full costume! I'm going to become a dark avenger!
Tina: Don't you think you're taking a little too much inspiration from that movie that just came out?
Barry: You've noticed the set design around here, right? I'm just going with the flow.

Biker 1: Somebody's picking us off one by one!
Biker 2: That's impossible! He'd have to be... to be faster than our bikes!
Biker 1: Oh yeah? Well, I bet he ain't bulletproof!
Flash: *clotheslines them with an iron pipe*
Biker 1: Surprisingly strong, though...

Flash: Going somewhere?
Lila: (STAB)
Flash: Ow! My leg! I need that to run!
Lila: Wow, I wasn't expecting to find his weakness right away.

Tina: (Barry's hurt! I have to get to him before those cops do!)
Bellows: Hey there, fellow cop. Want a ride?
Barry: Sure.
Tina: (Oh yeah.)

Barry: Remember when I agreed to let you track my vital signs as long as you didn't use it to stalk me?
Tina: I didn't stalk you, I just followed you ho-- so, uh, how's the leg?
Barry: Stabbed. Already feels better, though. Maybe my metabolism is super-fast too!
Tina: That would be very helpful... and probably also mean a short lifespan. But you've been immune to obvious side effects so far, so with any luck this won't be the first.

Iris: Barry, I've changed my mind. Let's get back together.
Barry: I'm not complaining, but wow, that was fast.
Iris: Oh yeah, that reminds me. I have an idea for a double entendre in this next scene...

Barry: That double entendre was dumb. Still glad we're back together, though.
Iris: Yep! I'm ready to commit now.
Barry: Even to a full-series order? I hear we're getting one.
Iris: Huh! That's funny, nobody's called me yet.

Detective: You want to interrogate the Rider we caught? Since when are you trained for that?
Barry: I'm not just a scientist! I can be mean! Just the other night I was thinking about how criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot!
Detective: Oh, lemme guess. Then something broke your window and you realized you had to become that thing, huh?
Barry: Well, something did break my window, but it was just a flash of lightni-- hmmmmmmm.

Barry: Tell me where Pike is! TELL ME! Or else he'll be hunted down by that mysterious figure... "The Lightning"!
Lila: First, that's a stupid name.
Barry: Oh.
Lila: And second, how many times do I have to tell you people? I did not care enough to learn where the hideout was.

Julio: I got that map of where in town the soil on her boot is found.
Barry: And here's the map for the plant on her jacket... aha! The hideout must be at the dam!
Julio: You know what? I'm ready to admit it now. The mayor's program of distributing unique kinds of evidence in rows and columns all over the city was worth the tax hike.

Goon 1: It wasn't me who turned the volume up!
Goon 2: Then who was it, huh? Is there someone lurking around with incredible godlike power who's wasting it on pranking us?
Goon 1: What? Of course not! That would be totally stupi-- (WHUMP)
Flash: Yes, sassing me was definitely the right move.

Barry: Chief, I've found out Pike's plan! He's going to free all the dangerous criminals from jail!
Chief: Uh oh. When?
Barry: Before knightfall!

Entire Police Force: WEE-OO WEE-OO
Barry: Time to suit up and... whoa... losing consciousness... gotta call Tina....
(Two minutes later)
Barry: Thanks. Wait, did I actually call you? I thought I passed out before --
Tina: No no, you called. I wasn't already here or anything. *shifts eyes*

Dark Riders: *take over completely unprepared prison*
Pike: You know, I was worried that someone might find our base, figure out what I was planning, and warn the cops. But I guess that didn't happen since we took this place completely by surprise!
Lila: (on her phone) Tell them I'll do it for minimum wage. For free! Just write Sonia Gomez into another episode and get me out of here!

Barry: I guess we couldn't keep leaving these fainting spells out of the fiver forever, huh?
Tina: Random collapse is kind of a problem! You can't go after Pike like this!
Barry: Good point. On the other hand....
Tina: *trying to start car* Oh, you did NOT just Edward Cullen me!

Chief: We have you surrounded, Pike! You'll never defeat our anti-riot tactics! Unless you, I dunno, wrote the book on them or something!
Bellows: Flash is stopping the prison riot single-handed! ...Hey, doesn't that sound like it would make a cool comic book cover?
Murph: Have I ever told you I keep track of the stupid things you say? This one is volume 1, number 273.

Flash: Pike! At last!
Pike: Come on, buddy. You really want this to be our epic confrontation? A fistfight in the sewer?
Flash: Yeah, I guess it's a bit incongruous for a colourful superhero, but -- OWW!
Pike: I just meant because you suck at it.

Vortex of Wind: WHOOOOOSH
Pike: *grabs electrical rig and gets fried*
Flash: Haha! How 'bout that, Pike? Was that comic-booky enough for ya?
Pike: *sizzles*
Flash: ...Oh. Yeah, you're gonna need a whole hospital of chairs for this one.

Barry: I did it! I got Pike! And I only fainted and nearly died once! At this rate, that problem'll just go away on its own!
Tina: (glare)
Barry: Fiiiiine, I apologize for sabotaging your car. In retrospect, I'm not even sure what I was trying to stop you from doing.
Tina: When you remember, let me know so I can do it.

Henry: Thanks for helping get justice for Jay. So what do you make of this mysterious red figure?
Julio: Beats me, I just wish Barry would quit winking at the camera every time he's mentioned.
Iris: I bet this red streak is a hero. Maybe I should start a blog about him...
Nora: Henry, please get her to stop making up words.

Barry: I miss your dad too, kid. But I'll always be here for you from now on.
Shawn: Thanks, Uncle B-- hey, I should've been Wally, shouldn't I?
Barry: Would've made sense, now that you mention it. But we can always bring these other characters in later.
Shawn: How much "later" are you expecting there to be? This show's expensive.
Barry: But how can it fail to be a long runner? ...Eh? Eh?
(The Flash embarks on its single season at Ludicrous Speed)