Random Fiver Option?

[Nate the Great]

Is this a good idea? Might be kinda cool, plus a way to encourage reading of the archives again.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Ye-es, it's an interesting idea. I think I could get behind that, and not just out of a sadisitic need to see Zeke work himself to death even more.

[Nate the Great]

I never said Zeke. There's got to be any number of these sort of housekeeping tasks that anyone with access to the source code can do to modify the site that don't need the Abridging Bird of the Galaxy.

[Zeke]

Ah, but the problem is that the source code is pretty much only comprehensible by me, and it's in desperate need of revision. What I <i>could</i> do, however, is put a "random" fiver link on the front page and change it with each update. I say "random" because I have no good way to randomize it myself, so I'd have to do something only semi-random. (I dunno, roll some dice?) It wouldn't be much work and we sure have enough archives to draw on, so I'll try it out when I have a minute.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

*perk* Someone say dice? *hauls out DMG* Given the number of ridiculously complex tables in this thing, there's bound to be a way to figure out how to randomise a fiver, given enough d6s.

[Nate the Great]

Wow. Dice notation. Never thought I'd see that on THIS site. Of course as a trading card game freak I understand d6s, it just caught me by surprise.

Uh, Z, if the source code is only understandable by you, what do we do when you become a member of the Q Continuum and feel that updates are beneath you? And if it's that incomprehensible, requiring a twelfth-level intellect (Go Brainiac 5!), then perhaps some Dilbert engineering is in order to tighten the code.

Oh, and do they use British spellings in Canada? I'd say "randomize," but that's another thread...

If you're going to start reposting old fivers in the News section, maybe we could include fivist commentary in the update, perhaps encourage the explanation of the more obscure references.

[Zeke]

I'm a fan of RPG dice too, as is the Pi Day girl. I recently helped her with an interesting little probability question: whether 1d8+1 beats 2d4+1 or not. There's a really neat way to look at it which gives the answer immediately; I'll post it here later. (I also shocked her with the information that if you hit the right comic store, you can get dice really cheap.)

Anyway, you've seen me use THAC0 in a <a href="../ds9/fiver.php?ep=inthepalemoonlight">fiver</a>, so dice shouldn't shock you too much.

We use some British spellings and some American spellings here. We put Us in words that don't really need them, for instance, but we prefer "ize" to "ise." There seems to be no guiding principle.

As for the code, it's not impenetrable, it would just take time to figure out. If I <i>were</i> ever to hand the site over to someone else, I would help with that process first.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I recently helped her with an interesting little probability question: whether 1d8+1 beats 2d4+1 or not.

Average of 1d8+1: 5.5 Average of 2d4+1: 6. As far as damage goes, I'll take 6d1 over 1d6 any day.

Now tell me where I'm wrong.

[Gatac]

Well, on 1d8+1, you have a 12.5% chance for everything from 2 to 9. On 2d4+1, it's...

6.25% 3
12.5% 4
18.75% 5
25% 6
18.75% 7
12.5% 8
6.25% 9

...so it's more bell-curved. That means your probability is skewed towards middle-of-the-road results, which means you get truly good and truly bad rolls less...but 2d4+1 also gives you a higher minimum result.

Depending on whether getting the maximum roll allows you to activate a special ability (like, the die "explodes", to use Spycraft language), it may be a better deal, but I'm reasonably sure that the 2d4+1 option is better on average.

Gatac

[Zeke]

Wait a minute. 2d4 is two separate d4s? It's not "roll a d4 and double it"? Crap, that changes everything!
Now tell me where I'm wrong.
You're not. Averages (a.k.a. expected value) are exactly the way to answer a question like this. But I found a particularly nice way to get why it works (the way I thought originally), and that's what I'll be posting later.

[Gatac]

1d4 - roll 1 four-sided die.
2d4 - roll 2 four-sided dice.
2d4b1 - roll 2 four-sided dice, take best result.

That way, for example, the "Roll 4 d6, drop lowest" method of generating an attribute can be rendered as 4d6b3.

As far as I know, there's no standard notation to indicate that you should double a result.

Gatac

[Nate the Great]

It seems a monster has been created. Now I don't wonder so much why I never got into D&D. My sister did, incidentally, at least for awhile. Why? Because she had a huge string of luck when they were rolling together her character's initial stats.

I was just thinking about the geek heirarchy http://www.brunching.com/images/geekchartbig.gif
and how these "geek majors" are usually different. By the way, someone's gotta work the term "Kirk is an ocelot" into a fiver." :)

[PointyHairedJedi]

I'm a fan of RPG dice too, as is the Pi Day girl. I recently helped her with an interesting little probability question: whether 1d8+1 beats 2d4+1 or not. There's a really neat way to look at it which gives the answer immediately; I'll post it here later. (I also shocked her with the information that if you hit the right comic store, you can get dice really cheap.)
Wow, it really is that serious. :P

What I think you should do is print out every single fiver, pin them to a wall, and then throw a dart while blindfolded to determine which one you link to. Of course, to make it totally random you need to get someone to shuffle them all around each time just before you throw the dart, and to reduce any possible bias even further you should alternate rooms in a randomly determined pattern. In fact, you should probably alternate buildings to be on the safe side.

[ijdgaf]

How about typing up all the material, cutting out each name, and drawing 'em out of a hat/bowl/emptied skull?

A new "random" fiver every week? Twice a week? Twice a soon?

[mudshark]

Twice a soon?
I like it -- it has a nice ring.

[Nate the Great]

Sounds like a good name for a rock band. "Now, live in concert: Twice a Soon!"

Well, if you're going to consolidate all of the fivers, I would think that a downloadable archive of just the fiver pages with a random option would be easier.

[MaverickZer0]

You didn't know you have to roll two separate d4s? For shame! ...Okay, ignore the tabletop gamer freak. *cough*

I would actually recommend percentage dice for this particular task. That way, you get a hundred shots out of each outcome. (00 = 100) Count up your choices when done that method and do a d20 or something out of 'em.

...Or just pick one yourself. That works too.

[Nate the Great]

Is it okay if I scream like a little girl now? Sheesh! Any particular reason why n no one's started a separate dice thread? I'm sure that Excel or something would have a random number generator if you just assigned a number (order of publication?) to each fiver.

[mudshark]

Is it okay if I scream like a little girl now?
http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g223/mudshark58/comment/colonel.jpg

No, no -- stop it. There'll be none of that!

[Zeke]

Ah good, I <i>did</i> enable tables in posts. That'll make this easier.

Now then: consider the question of 1d8+1 versus 2*(1d4)+1. The former has eight equally likely outcomes (2 to 9), each with 1/8 probability. The latter has four possible outcomes (3, 5, 7, 9), each with 1/4 probability. Let's make a chart....
<table border=1 cellpadding=10 cellspacing=2>
<tr><td><b>1d8+1<br><br>2*(1d4)+1</b></td><td align=right>2&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;3<br><br>3</td><td align=right>4&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;5<br><br>5</td><td align=right>6&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;7<br><br>7</td><td align=right>8&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;9<br><br>9</td></tr>
</table>

Each "box" here has a 1/4 probability. Now, if one die is in a higher box than the other, it wins, guaranteed. There's a 3/4 chance of that. But if both dice land in the same box, the d4 will win half the time and tie the other half. Thus it has a clear advantage. (Specifically, its probability of winning is 1/2, compared to 3/8 that the d8 will win and 1/8 that they'll tie.)

Now, Sa'ar's method -- using expected values -- is very straightforward and it'll always tell you which die has the better chance of winning. For instance, by comparing expected values, we can instantly find that 5d6+3 (expected value 20.5) will beat 2d20-1 (expected value 20) in the long run. The drawback is that expected values don't tell you exactly what those odds of winning <i>are</i>. That's generally a tougher problem.

More on random fivers later.

Wow, it really is that serious. :P

Assuming you mean serious pain, yes, yes it is.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Now, Sa'ar's method -- using expected values -- is very straightforward and it'll always tell you which die has the better chance of winning.

There's an even more straightforward method that tells you even less about probability: it's impossible to roll a 1 on 2d4.

[Chancellor Valium]

As for the code, it's not impenetrable, it would just take time to figure out. If I <i>were</i> ever to hand the site over to someone else, I would help with that process first.

The main problem with the original translation was that it made us of several now-outdated translation theories put forward by E.A. Wallis Budge.

Hence the gibberish about "time into Ottawa is Zeke, webmaster"...

[Nate the Great]

Is there a reason why you guys haven't started a "Probability of RPG Dice" thread yet?

Eeeeeeeekkkkk!

[Zeke]

Of course there's a reason: to annoy you.

[AKAArzosah]

Always a good reason.

Although, for the record, my brain hurts.

[Nate the Great]

You ain't alone, dude.

[AKAArzosah]

'Dude'?

As for 'Random Fiver' why don't you just click somewhere on the front page at random? Or look up a news post from ages ago and click on any fiver that may be listed.

But PLEASE don't use that random gobbledegook about d4-something-something.

[Nate the Great]

What's wrong with dude? At least I don't use it as an all-purpose interjection, even in real life. "Duuuuuude." "DUDE!" "Dude?"

That would work only if every fiver had a link to the front page, and that would be a horrible idea. There's gotta be hundreds and hundreds of fivers by now, and that's a LOT of links to load every time.

[AKAArzosah]

I meant, click a series/whatever, then click another random one in that category.

Do you know what a 'dude' is?

[Nate the Great]

If you know a definition of "dude" other than "a colloquial/slang term for another person," I DON'T want to know it.

Uh, if it takes two clicks, it's not "random."

[AKAArzosah]

If it takes one click it's not random because it's probably influenced by your subconscious somehow, blah blah, psychobabble. How is two clicks any less random?

I don't know, I think the point everyone was trying to make is 'it's too hard right at the moment'. But I do agree, it is a really good idea.

I'm sure Zeke will put it on his 'soon' list.

[AKAArzosah]

Aaaagh, that was post 666 for me. Oh well, this thread is doomed. Sorry.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

But PLEASE don't use that random gobbledegook about d4-something-something.

It is *not* random gobbledegook.

It's pedantic, arcane, convoluted gobbledegook.

[AKAArzosah]

It is *not* random gobbledegook.

It's pedantic, arcane, convoluted gobbledegook.



Pedantic, arcane, convoluted gobbledegook about making stuff RANDOM!

Hence, it is random gobbledegook. Insert a relevant latin phrase here.

[Nate the Great]

Oh, the "soon" list. There's a minefield waiting to be stepped on.

Sumus Quod Sumus.

[AKAArzosah]

Here's a question, how often do you use 'soon' meaning 'not soon' in your normal life, only to realise later that no one realises what you mean, and you look like an idiot. Because I do so quite regularly.

[Nate the Great]

The closest to that I ever come is "later." This is a little more understandable than "soon," because later doesn't really limit the promiser to anything at all. The end of time itself is "later," if you really think about it.

"When will now be then?" (or is it "When will then be now?" I'm never sure)
"Soon."

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Pedantic, arcane, convoluted gobbledegook about making stuff RANDOM!

Hence, it is random gobbledegook. Insert a relevant latin phrase here.

Curses, your logic is unassailable.

The Latin phrase you're looking for might be "pwned", but I try make a point of not talking like an illiterate 13-year-old.

[Nate the Great]

You mean you "try TO make" a point. Hey, if you make a post about grammatical correctness; you're gonna get slammed for typos. :)

[Chancellor Valium]

quanti est canicula ille in fenestra?

in res ceterorum, emas non quod opus est, sed quod necesse est. quod non opus est, asse carum est.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Curses, your logic is unassailable.

The Latin phrase you're looking for might be "pwned", but I try to make a point of not talking like an illiterate 13-year-old.

EDIT: fixed embarassing typo

Edit^2: Except I hit the Quote button instead of the Edit button.

It's a law of online posting that any message pointing out or correcting a spelling or gramamtical mistake will contain at least one spelling or grammatical mistake. The Irony Gods are very active.

[Nate the Great]

Oh yeah, the Irony Gods must be satiated every once in awhile. Although I'm sure that they're still enjoying the feedback from the hit song Ironic, plus all the blogging wars that exist on whether or not there's actually any irony in Ironic. (For the record, according to my personal definition, yes there is)

[Sa'ar Chasm]

The ironic thing about ironic is that it's a song called ironic written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is.

Actually, I don't think anyone really knows what irony is. The definition I was taught in high school is that irony is "The last thing you expect to happen." The last thing I expect to happen is for the protagonist to turn into a pink screaming penguin, but that isn't ironic, that's just bloody stupid.

[Chancellor Valium]

According to that paragon of accuracy Wikipedia, "Irony, from the Greek εiρων (eiron), is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is a gap or incongruity between what a speaker or a writer says, and what is generally understood (either at the time, or in the later context of history). Irony may also arise from a discordance between acts and results, especially if it is striking, and known to a later audience. A certain kind of irony may result from the act of pursuing a desired outcome, resulting in the opposite effect, but again, only if this is known to a third party. In this case the aesthetic arises from the realization that an effort is sharply at odds with an outcome, and that in fact the very effort has been its own undoing.

More generally, irony is understood as an aesthetic valuation by an audience, which relies on a sharp discordance between the real and the ideal, and which is variously applied to texts, speech, events, acts, and even fashion. All the different senses of irony revolve around the perceived notion of an incongruity, or a gap, between an understanding of reality, or expectation of a reality, and what actually happens."

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

[AKAArzosah]

Stop having a brain, dammit!

[Zeke]

The ironic thing about ironic is that it's a song called ironic written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is.

Oh, that's not the ironic thing. The ironic thing is that the song has outlasted all of us English experts, and will still be getting airplay when our complaints are long forgotten. (They're already pretty stale.)

Let's face it -- lyrics don't matter. If they did, there would be about five popular songs a year.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, if you guys want to debate the irony (or lack thereof) of Ironic (and I'm totally into beating that bush), that's a job for another topic.

Oh, and I hope you intend that thing about Wikipedia being a "paragon of accuracy" thing as a joke.

[AKAArzosah]

Indeed. So, Random fiver... avoiding all possible references to dice games or whatever, who/how/what/when might stuff happen?

I do think it's a good idea, despite difficulties. Could someone else possibly organise it?

[Nate the Great]

Well, I suppose the easiest answer is "soon."

[AKAArzosah]

I already said that! Of course, it's possible the dice-discussion-monster ate that post...

Soon Indeed. I wonder if it would be possible to set something up in another website that could link to a random fiver. There are things on webrings where you can be directed to a random page in said webring. How do they work? Could they be used for this?

[Nate the Great]

Never said "soon" was unique or clever, just said it was "the easiest answer." No other claim was made. Calm down.

No idea about the webring thing. Or even the webthing ring. :)

[AKAArzosah]

For the record, me sounding annoyed is really me being amused. I don't get offended or annoyed by anyone but my Mum, and my friend Penny.

If there is some way of making a random-fiver webring (ie with a button that takes you to the next random fiver) we should name it 'WebThing Ring'.

[Chancellor Valium]

Yes! Then when it breaks down I can make more Zeke/Poindexter jokes :D

[Nate the Great]

If I didn't subconsciously steal that Webthing Ring idea from someone else (and I wouldn't at all put it past my subconscious), then I want credit in the newspost. :)

[AKAArzosah]

'Infinite Improbability is responsible for the name 'Webthing Ring'. Please direct all copyright-related lawsuits at him.'

Sound fair to me.

[MaverickZer0]

Or, someone could just pick the random fiver, thereby just eliminating the whole mess.

Cut and print. ;D

[Nate the Great]

Oooh. That'd be simple. Create a Random Fiver of the Day thread. Maybe I'd cut and paste a fiver into the thread on Monday, Maverick would cut and paste one in on Tuesday, Arzosah would do it on Wednesday, and so on. Emphasis on "Random Fiver." No picking of favorites. Maybe have additional rotating theme days. TNG, DS9, VOY, TOS/ENT, Misc. (that should be about equal-sized fiver pools, right?)

[AKAArzosah]

Dammit, it's Thursday! Well, here... is it still Wednesday where anyone else is?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Wednesday here, and it will continue to be Wednesday for about another seven hours. Only Alaska, Hawaii and some bits of coral get more Wednesday than I do.

[AKAArzosah]

Ok then, todays Random Fiver is...

*drumroll*

http://www.fiveminute.net/voyager/fiver.php?ep=messageinabottle

I used the newspage, picked a random month (June 2005) and chose semi-randomly a fiver. That work?

[Nate the Great]

You're kinda jumping the gun here, but what else is new?

[AKAArzosah]

Meh. Do you really need a new thread? This one is called 'Random Fiver Option?'. It's like you're asking if anyone wants the option of a random fiver, cos here it is.

So who's on Thursday? and what's on Friday?

[Nate the Great]

Okay, official post.

On your given day you will post a link to the random fiver in your assigned series, along with commentary about your favorite jokes, questions about references, and so on.

Monday: Nate the Great/Infinite Improbability
Tuesday: MaverickZer0
Wednesday: AKAArzosah
Thursday: Sa'ar Chasm
Friday: Chancellor Valium
Saturday/Sunday: Zeke can handle the weekends. Probably one fiver for the whole thing.

Response to Message in a Bottle:

Romulan Officer: Lovely. What are we supposed to do, just ask the ship how to attack?
Computer: Attack mode activated. Engaging target. Please press F1 if further assistance is required.
Romulan Captain: I love the Federation.
Nate: If only Microsoft was really that helpful.

Doc: I swore I'd never use one of these. Computer, activate EMH.
Doc 2: Hey you, you're an idiot!
Nate: Gotta love that default insult subroutine.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Yeah, I'll get right on that...

[Nate the Great]

Oh, and forget the assigned series things. I'll just say "there can't do a random fiver from the same series (and movies as a whole count as a series) twice in the same week."

[AKAArzosah]

Saturday/Sunday: Zeke can handle the weekends. Probably one fiver for the whole thing.



Or maybe we could all offer our own 'random favorites'.

Is a commentary thing really necessary, too? It's kind of a spoiler...

[Nate the Great]

Spoiler? These are OLD fivers. Besides, hopefully the link itself is the first thing, right?

Random favorites? Maybe you should explain more.

[AKAArzosah]

Deliberately pick a fiver we really liked, or that we came across while wandering through the site, or something. Not really random, I know. Meh.

Or choose our favorite show at the time and pick a random fiver from it.

Or we could just make that the 'assigned category' day, and everyone pick a random fiver from their category.

I don't know, I think I'm just spouting random gibberish at this point. As per usual.

[Nate the Great]

I vote for "random gibberish."

Let's try the plain vanilla variation for a week and see if it needs tweaking, okay?

[AKAArzosah]

Sure. I just didn't know if Zeke would want to do that.

[Zeke]

I'm still getting over the irony of Nate telling someone else he's jumping the gun.

[AKAArzosah]

I'm trying to cut down on my Nate-antagonising, so I wasn't gonna say anything.

Well, Zeke, what did you think of the Random Fiver set-up as is, and Nate's schedule?

[Nate the Great]

Okay, I'll try this one last time. There are certain statements that do not need personal verification to be true. For example, we can all agree that walking around wearing sausages around our necks to a marathon is a stupid idea, right? This is empirical fact. I can go to a marathon wearing sausages around my neck and say that people shouldn't wear sausages around their neck to a marathon, and it's still true. People shouldn't wear sausages around their neck to a marathon. Period. Whether or not I do so is entirely beside the point. It's still a fact. My hypocracy is a secondary issue. Along similar lines, statements like "you shouldn't insult people," "you should say please and thank you," "you should fling spit-wads at Zeke every day he doesn't post a fiver (just returning the favor, Z :) )" and so on are empirical facts.

[Chancellor Valium]

Why? Who makes these rules? Who for? What purpose do they serve, for whom, from when for what mayan-on-happen-be-to purpose?

[Nate the Great]

Oh, don't go sidetracking me with hitchhiker's temporal phrases.

I make these rules so I can pontificate all I want without people yanking my soapboxes away. I thought that that was obvious. :)

[AKAArzosah]

Where did the sausage-scarf to a marathon idea come from? Your mental processes are truly baffling, Nate.

Also, when have I jumped the gun before, for it to not be new?

from when for what mayan-on-happen-be-to purpose?


Who-da-what now?

[Nate the Great]

The marathon sausage-scarf came from me asking myself "what's something to do that's obviously insane, but isn't needlessly crude or violent while still having humor value?" And wearing a string of sausages to a marathon came to mind. My mind works in warped ways; that's why all of my fivers are awesome. ;)

That's just a warped temporal phrase in emulation of the stuff Douglas Adams used to use to poke fun at how time travel mucks up descriptions of events.

[AKAArzosah]

Well I certainly know how time travel can muck stuff up. Stupid forum bug.

[Nate the Great]

Yeah, it's one of those "step on a butterfly, everyone turns into goat people" things. No idea where that phrase came from, but I like it.

[AKAArzosah]

I must agree. The phrase replaces Joss Whedon in my siggy

[Nate the Great]

I tried a short search for the origin of that quote, but I failed. Trust me, it didn't originate with me, but I appreciate the homage. Oh, and it's "Nate the Great." Yeah, it's massive egotism, but it IS my webalias.

[Chancellor Valium]

Ego is ego.

Or if you prefer:

ego ego est, sed ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

So far, I'm afraid you aren't on the same scale of worthiness as Alfred, Peter I, Gregory I, Herod I, Ramses II or John Paul II.

Sorry :)

[Nate the Great]

I thought that I'd related the full story of how the name "Nate the Great" (and actually, Nate itself, long story) came to me elsewhere in the forum, but the search engine isn't being cooperative. If you want me to go into it again, that's fine (it's a great story, really). Contrary to popular opinion, it wasn't because of relatively recent massive egotism, it was really to pump up the self-esteem of a relatively dull and common child.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Conversations like these always want to make me go whack a wasp's nest with a stick, for some reason.

[Nate the Great]

I would think it'd be better to poke it with sugar-coated hands. ;)

[Nate the Great]

http://www.fiveminute.net/andromeda/fiver.php?ep=exitstrategies

So this is Monday's Random Fiver. Hope you enjoy it.

[Nate the Great]

So no one was really interested in the daily Random Fiver? Just wanted to know.

[Zeke]

I am, and I really do plan to put something like it on the site. But per my latest newspost, this is not a good time. (Believe me, it takes a lot to make me stop an April Fool's event before Way the Hell Too Long.)

[AKAArzosah]

Oops. In my defense, I was busy. And there was no Tuesday...

Happy belated Random Fiver for Wednesday:

http://www.fiveminute.net/zelda/linksawakening.html

Is it just me or is the very first speaker credit misspelled? Not that I really have any kind of right to complain about spelling, but I thought it might be deliberate for some reason.

[ijdgaf]

Lighten(ing) up.

[Zeke]

No it isn't what are you talking about <i>shut up</i>

[Nate the Great]

Zeke, you were off the hook (except for one link on the weekend) a LONG time ago. I hope I wasn't implying anything else, at least as far as this thread is concerned.

I think I owned that game once upon a time, but when you start a game trapped on a beach, I'm like "do I spend hours figuring this out, or go play Ocarina of Time?" Not a tough call.

And why did you stop the April Fool's Event so soon if you didn't want to? I mean, it was one more click to the regular site and we could all see it. It's not like last year.

[PointyHairedJedi]

You there, logic boy. Stop it at once. Trust me, no good can come of it.

[Chancellor Valium]

Apologies for not posting a random fiver, I was on retreat.

[Nate the Great]

I'm not apologizing for not posting a random fiver. Not even a little bit.

[Zeke]

And why did you stop the April Fool's Event so soon if you didn't want to?

Serious school deadlines -- see the April 2 newspost. I still hope to come back to it when all this is over.

[Nate the Great]

So you changed everything back because you didn't want to leave the zombies up for a month and make the dozens of regular visitors make the extra click three times a day? I suppose that makes sense.

[AKAArzosah]

It makes sense to me. Leaving it at weird and green while nothing happens for ages? The people who don't read the forums or the news posts would likely freak out completely. And the original is prettier.

[AKAArzosah]

So, random fiver: http://www.fiveminute.net/smallville/fiver.php?ep=onyx

I really do pick these without looking. I'm going off to read it now.

[Nate the Great]

Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: But Doctor..., Doctor -- uh, Doctor whoever is one of my closest friends!

Sadly I see "friendships" in real life that are almost like this.

Lionel: I can't believe you cancelled my charity banquet!
Evil Mwahaha-Lex Villain: Yes you can.
Lionel: Okay, I can.

Confronting the realities of the characters' personalities is always a safe bet for a gag.

Good Lex: The other Lex is also wearing a white shirt.
Clark: Yes, but he's wearing a black coat over it.
Good Lex: Does that symbolically mean that Good Lex is the underneath guy? The one who deep down he really is?
Clark: Sorry, I don't think the show works on that many levels.

At least they admit it.

[AKAArzosah]

Hmm, well I'm still posting random fivers.

http://www.fiveminute.net/ds9/fiver.php?ep=defiant

Having read the very start: Spock and Chakotay? Can I get an 'AAARRRGGGHHH!!!'?

[Nate the Great]

Kira: I was expecting something like "I dream of a galaxy where your eyes are the stars, and the universe worships the night."
Riker: Yeah, well... dream on.
Ah, The Dauphin. Great episode.

Riker: Crewman, what's the status of the cloaking device? In Darmok language, please.
Crewman: Janeway, her bathtub bubbled.
Riker: Excellent. And the distance between us and the pursuing Cardassian ships?
Crewman: Janeway, her coffee cup empty.
Riker: God help us all.
This has long held its place as one of my Top Ten Favorite Fiver Scenes.

[Asky]

Well, if you really want the easiest random fiver function, I've hacked together a little php that'll do that. It'll pick a fiver randomly from a series that has an "All Seasons" link on the front page, so no movies or videogames yet, but that'll come sooner or later.

http://www.webpages.ttu.edu/jonray/rfiver/randomfiver.php

[AKAArzosah]

Asky = :cool:est

Arzosah = :D

[Zeke]

My forumgoers are so awesome.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Impressive... most impressive.

[Nate the Great]

So how do you add that as a favorite without linking it to a specific fiver?

[Derek]

Right click Asky's link above and click either "Bookmark the link" (Firefox/Mozilla) or "Add to Favorites" (IE). Then give it a suitable name. Now it will always be different.

[Nate the Great]

Uh, yeah. I save the link as a favorite, but each time I choose the favorite, it spits out the same fiver. I know that there is a infinitesimally small chance that a random sort will spit out the same fiver again, but it's about as big as Harry Kim's chances of getting promoted. :)

[Asky]

Great...Well, I'll look at it again and see what's wrong now. At least it's not crashing your browser like it did to me for a while...

EDIT: Well, I've reworked the randomness of it so at least now you've got an equal chance at seeing any given fiver, but I don't know why you would be seeing the same one over and over. If it still doesn't work, I've got another page that won't redirect you immediately and should be suitable for bookmarking the normal way.

http://www.webpages.ttu.edu/jonray/rfiver/index.html

[Nate the Great]

No, that last one's fine. Thank you. It might be time for the official newspost now. :)

[AKAArzosah]

You might have been seeing the same one over and over if the link wasn't reloading each time - mine did it for a little while too.

[AKAArzosah]

Everytime I read a random fiver it becomes my new favorite one! DAMMIT THEY'RE ALL TOO GOOD

http://www.fiveminute.net/nextgen/fiver.php?ep=thebestofbothworlds

'The part of me that is Riker says "Fat chance." The part of me that is... well gosh golly gee, they're all saying that.'

[Nate the Great]

Commander Shelby: Hi. Can I have your job?
Riker: No. Will you sleep with me?
Shelby: No.
Riker: We seem to have reached an impasse.

Another classic fiver scene. Still in the top twenty in my book.

Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Picard: Somebody needs a new catchphrase.
Borg: Like "make it so" is any better.

Ditto.

[AKAArzosah]

Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.


I see this in about every second random fiver. That and 'Sucks to be that colony/outpost/ship/etc.'

I want to see 'Borg: See our speaker credit. You know the drill.'

[PointyHairedJedi]

Commander Shelby: Hi. Can I have your job?
Riker: No. Will you sleep with me?
Shelby: No.
Riker: We seem to have reached an impasse.

Another classic fiver scene. Still in the top twenty in my book.
Oh yes, I'd forgotten how much I like that one. :D

[Nate the Great]

Another favorite is:

Doc: Hey, you! You're an idiot!

[ijdgaf]

Heheh. From Basics, Part 1:

Janeway: So the plan is to fly right into the hands of the Kazon. Any objections?
Tuvok: Nine.
Janeway: We'll just pretend you were speaking German there.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, from Jurisprudence:

Chakotay: Look, we both know this is a dream sequence, so can you lay off the mockery? I'm not the real Chakotay!
Janeway: Tough. You know the rule -- all Chakotays are fair game.

Chuckles just can't catch a break, can he?

Byrd: Careful not to tick me off, old chum...you wouldn't want me telling Libby you were secretly in love with Lyndsay the whole time, would you?
Kim: Wait -- those two were at the same time? Hmm...just before graduation...hey, you're right! I wonder how that happened?

I also wondered about that.

As a footnote, I have to say that that's the first virtual season fiver I've ever read. Weird stuff.

[Nate the Great]

And from Prime Factors...
(Hey, I'm bored and you gave me the most dangerous toy a fiver fan with way too much spare time could ask for...a forum! Mwahahaha!

Neelix: They're the most ridiculously generous race in the sector. They also have a dark, dark secret.
Janeway: We've found the perfect planet!

As least someone is excited...

Torres: GRRRRR! We need that device!
Seska: I agree. Let's kill the Sicarans and drink their blood.
Torres: I'd rather find a way with less vampirism.
Seska: You're no fun.

If only they kept Seska around for more episodes so we can spoof her more often...

Captain's Log: Hear that? That's the sound of heads rolling.

A classic Log, and a classic fiver one-liner. (a finer?)

[AKAArzosah]

The funny thing is I was just watching Prime Factors, and I remember thinking 'Seska looks just like a vampire from BtVS'.

[AKAArzosah]

I have discovered that Zeke is entirely too obsessed with Buffy, and that it's scary how many Buffy references I recognise.

[Zeke]

I'm not really obsessed with Buffy. I just go through the motions.

[Nate the Great]

Well, since this is the random thread...

Is anyone annoyed by all of these new fiver terms (comver, finer) that I keep inventing?

[PointyHairedJedi]

Personally, no.

[Nate the Great]

But that doesn't mean that anyone else is gonna use them, does it? :)

[Zeke]

Well no, it doesn't, but that wasn't what you asked.

[AKAArzosah]

I'm not annoyed, just incredibly confused.

Also, I retract the 'Zeke is obsessed with Buffy' statement. Apparently EVERYBODY is obsessed with Buffy, and therefore it becomes merely an aspect of a normal personality. Ha, I called you all normal! BE INSULTED!

[Nate the Great]

Comver=a committee fiver
Finer=a fiver one-liner

I'm not obsessed with Buffy. I've never seen more than the odd snippet, in fact.

[AKAArzosah]

Using the Random Fiver link I've found four different authors who've used Buffy references, in various different shows' fivers.

[Zeke]

Here's one you probably missed: <a href="../oc/s2.html">Five-Second The OC, Season 2</a>. Scroll down to "The Family Ties."

[catalina_marina]

I'm not annoyed, just incredibly confused.

Also, I retract the 'Zeke is obsessed with Buffy' statement. Apparently EVERYBODY is obsessed with Buffy, and therefore it becomes merely an aspect of a normal personality. Ha, I called you all normal! BE INSULTED!

Actually, you called us just a bit more normal. I'm obsessed with more than just Buffy. Heroes, for example.

[Nate the Great]

One of my coworkers is a real Heros fanatic. He's been trying for months to get me to watch, and I haven't gotten around to it yet.

[AKAArzosah]

Well don't start in the middle, or it will make absolutely zero sense.



Hi Cat!

[Derek]

I have been known to make a Buffy reference or two in my fivers.

And Heroes is awesome. New eps start tonight!

[Chancellor Valium]

//not bothered by Buffy.

[catalina_marina]

Hi ehm... Arzosah?

[Zeke]

AWK-WARD.<b></b>

[catalina_marina]

Not Arzosah?

[Nate the Great]

I've been meaning to ask: what does Arzosah mean? For that matter, how do you pronounce it? The best I can manage is arr-zoe-sah, when I think about how you would pronounce it, but in my mind (if I don't use forethought), it comes out arr-koe-sah. Don't ask me where the k sound came from, but it's there.

[AKAArzosah]

Yep, I'm Arzosah. I forgot my password, and then was too lazy and confused to try and get it back.

Arzosah is the name of a dragon in a series of books by Katharine Kerr. And 'arr-zoe-sah' is right. Oh, her full name is Arzosah Sothey Lorezohaz, if you were wondering.

I just googled 'Arzosah' and it really isn't helpful in finding a more detailed description. Most of the Arzosahs that come up aren't me, which is why I now prefer AKAArzosah.

[Nate the Great]

You must really like that dragon, then, if you want to maintain basically the same webalias when given the opportunity (?) to create a new one.

By the time I wanted to change from Infinite Improbability to Nate the Great, it was too late. Too many threads started, way too many posts. Do I want to start over just for the sake of unifying usernames? Well, a secondary reason is to get rid of all of those II jokes. :)

[Zeke]

Want me to change your username? It's easy. I have many powers -- for instance, I merged Arzosah's old account into her new one.

By the way, my "awkward" joke was apparently based on misreading Cat. I thought she didn't remember who Arzosah was.

[Nate the Great]

Really? That'd be great. "Nate the Great." I never capitalize the "the" unless I'm turning it into the acronym NTG.

[Zeke]

Done.

There is no such word as "The."

[AKAArzosah]

I like Arzosah for the sheer confusion value. No one knows what it means, or how to pronounce it. AKAArzosah is even more confusing, bonus!

I think you should have changed it to 'InfiNate Improbability'.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Well, a secondary reason is to get rid of all of those II jokes.

I don't understand why you didn't want to be I^2. It's current squared.

Mmmm, currant squares.

[Zeke]

And with that post -- to be known to future historians as "The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back" -- the Chasmatic One finally exceeded the resistance of those around him, and was never seen again.

Sic transit V=IR.

[Nate the Great]

I^2 wouldn't have been that bad, but it's a moot point now.

Thanks Z, if I'd known it'd be that easy I would've asked earlier.

[AKAArzosah]

I was really Infinite Improbability, at a Nate the Greatness factor of pi with ice cream!

LOL

Can I call you InfiNate? It's like great, only bigger.

[PointyHairedJedi]

And with that post -- to be known to future historians as "The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back" -- the Chasmatic One finally exceeded the resistance of those around him, and was never seen again.

Sic transit V=IR.
And I actually remember what that means, too. Seems those years of physics wasn't totally wasted then.

[Nate the Great]

Thanks Arzosah. I just figured that at least for a week or so, I should use my sig to tip off some of the less diligent forumgoers as to the change.

InfiNate? Never thought of that one. It never even sunk in that "nate" is a part of "infinate." Never ever.

[ijdgaf]

Screw that. But thanks for inspiring the portmanteau "Infigreat". I shall use it in all conversations henceforth.

[Zeke]

Suuuure. You watch, this'll turn out just like the time he was going to solve all the problems.

[Nate the Great]

Who was going to solve what problems?

Yeah, infinite, infinate, what's the diff? (And where's the beef? And who's the clown? And when's the party? And how's the veal? And....)

[catalina_marina]

By the way, my "awkward" joke was apparently based on misreading Cat. I thought she didn't remember who Arzosah was.

Ahh, that makes sense.

I don't understand why you didn't want to be I^2.

Sure, but I'd start calling him -1.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I said I, not i.

And just for Zeke, because he liked my currant squares so much...

= <-- in chemistry, this is a double bond, which consists of a sigma bond and a pi bond.

Mmmm, pie bondage.

[Zeke]

No groan for my fiendishly brilliant chemistry/B5 crossover joke? Alas. I'm familiar with sigma and pi bonds (so named because they involve s and p orbitals respectively), but to my amazement, I realize now that I never considered the pun potential. Too many already in math, I guess.

Nate: <a href="showthread.php?t=1253">What to do about crackers.</a>

[Nate the Great]

Uh, yeah...

Stuff like that is precisely why I prefer Bob and George for my webcomic needs. Do people really tune in everyday to watch cut-and-pasted dinosaurs spout nonsense?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

No groan for my fiendishly brilliant chemistry/B5 crossover joke? Alas.

That wasn't chemistry, that was physics. Well, OK, electrochemistry, but the one or two labs I did on it were more concerned with cell potential than current.

I did get it, though (for once). I was too impressed by all the levels (most of which have already been explored elsewhere, but never mind) to throw things at you.

[ijdgaf]

Dinosaur Comics is pretty much the most intellectual webcomic I can think of. Sometimes the jokes are off the wall and non sequitur. Usually, the comic speaks of all sorts of philosophical and scientific topics that you will pretty much never see references in any piece of humor anywhere else. Yet are infinitely interesting.

Generally, it's a mix of the two.

[Nate the Great]

The most intellectual webcomic...

For me, that's Kid Radd. Existentialism out the wazoo!

[Zeke]

I'm afraid that although there are lots of hilarious DDC strips, I'm with Nate on this one. I can't summon up any enthusiasm for a comic that looks exactly the same every time. That's even lazier than the ever-increasing number of stick figure comics. I give Ryan North credit for the seemingly endless amount of mileage he gets out of a single arrangement of images, but DDC is still only half a webcomic.

And while it does stand out for its philosophy and such, it's definitely not unique in that regard. You can find that stuff in quite a few comics, from those that are slightly less lazy than DDC (Triangle and Robert) to those that are quite a bit less lazy (xkcd) to those that put some serious work in (PIXEL, 8-Bit Theater) and even the occasional fully-drawn comic (One Over Zero). And as Nate says, if you haven't checked out Kid Radd, you must.

[PointyHairedJedi]

My first though was, "Hey! Those guys are ripping off Simonbob (http://simonbob.fobby.net/)!"

Oh, how very naive I am sometimes. :D

[AKAArzosah]

Do you think anything would happen if we petitioned for Kid Radd to be revived? Or Bob and George for that matter? Maybe if there were bribes involved?

[Nate the Great]

Well, you don't need to "revive" BnG until it's gone, which it's not, at least for the moment. The end is near, however, what a shame. Don't worry, though. Dave still has to finish those Cataclysm movies and finish the commentary. He's still got five years to go, and repost the first two while he's at it.

Revive Kid Radd? Their forums are still fully active. The comic ended three years ago and those guys are still working on fangames! If you mean new strips by Dan, I'm sad to say that it's probably a lost cause. But you can download the entire archive as a single exe, which is still awesome.

[Chancellor Valium]

@Arzosah: When was the last time a fan petition brought something back?

[Nate the Great]

Well, they brought back Kim Possible...

[AKAArzosah]

I'm still sure Firefly will make a second, even more awesome, comeback. Kim Possible is one of those things I've seen one episode of, and would have liked to see more if it WAS ACTUALLY ON.

I can't say I've visited the Kid Radd or BnG forums for a while. But I do have the entire Kid Radd archive on both my computers and a CD.

At the risk of being lynched, what are 'those Cataclysm movies'? Link? Also, links to those fangames you mentioned would be good...

[Nate the Great]

The Cataclysm movies deal with what happened between the "present" of the strip and the "future" of the X/Zero timeline. Every single Light robot other than X, Auto, and Proto Man will die during it. Furthermore, The Author (the in-strip personification of Dave himself) will depart the universe in shame, thus removing the "trigger" that allows wacky, inexplicable things to happen, thus making the events unfit to present in webcomic format.

Dave is producing them in reverse order. He provides most of the voice acting himself, assisted by his wife Liss.

[AKAArzosah]

I found them. I think I'll wait until my mum is out of hearing range before I watch them...

On a semi-related note, do you find the Karnak comic funny, or am I the only one. My friend thinks it's 'disgusting and retarded, and makes fun of victims of domestic violence'.

[Nate the Great]

I don't really follow Karnak. I do enjoy the one where they spoof the Friends opener (I'll Be There For You) and the one guy says "My brain is on FIRE!"

[catalina_marina]

I said I, not i.

So you did. And I work with Mathematica sometimes.

[MaverickZer0]

I don't really read the subcomics, with the exception of Sakurai Diaries and the old Author Wars. I do love the Cataclysm movies, though.

Oh, and Reploid Hunter Iris. That's good too.

[Nate the Great]

Oracle

Clark: Hello, my name is Clark Kent! You killed my father! Prepare to die!

I wonder if we've kicked this dead horse gag enough. Somehow I doubt it. Princess Bride jokes can never age, can they?

Author, Author

John Torres: B'Elanna...I am your father.
Torres: Hiya. Is Mom still alive?
John: Dunno, the dialogue's been ambiguous.

Gotta love honesty.

[Zeke]

On a semi-related note, do you find the Karnak comic funny, or am I the only one.

I can finally answer this now! I had never gotten around to reading much of Karnak, but I opened a tab for it when I read this post, and I've gradually made my way through the archives. It's not earthshaking, but it certainly has its moments (http://www.bobandgeorge.com/Subcomics/Karnak/index.php?page=92). And Lucia is way too hot for prime time.

I'm not sure which strips your friend was talking about, but I believe they exist -- Karnak is anything but PC. IMO, that's usually a good thing. I like his comments below the strip, too. 'When I fill out job applications and I see a space that says "ideal position," I like to write in "Thor." It seems like that'd kick ass.'

[AKAArzosah]

I started reading Universal Voyage not so long ago, and that's good too. If you missed it, you should read the 'End of Bob and George' celebratory comic.
Here ya go. (http://www.bobandgeorge.com/Subcomics/UVoyage/index.php?page=277)

[Nate the Great]

Almost makes me wonder how many comic dimensions are connected through the White Space with Bob and George at the hub.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Shindig (note: I've never seen Firefly, so I have NO IDEA who these people are. I just clicked the random fiver link and there we are)

Wash: Well, generally people don't like to crash ships, unless they're called Troi.
Mal: Or Chakotay!
Wash: Nah. Shuttles don't count.

As a person who took Honors English for several years, it looks like people in general like to crash ships named U.S.S. Troi. Of course, this second version is funny, too. :)

[AKAArzosah]

Random Fiver Gold: http://www.fiveminute.net/enterprise/fiver.php?ep=rogueplanet

Archer: See? There she is, right over there.
Tucker: You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut!
Archer: Come on, Trip. Have I ever done anything stupid?
Tucker: In anticipation of that question, I've prepared a brief outline of the major examples. Let's start with twelve minutes after conception....
Archer: Oh, forget it! I have a girl to chase. See ya.
Tucker: That boy needs therapy.

Well what does that mean?

I love that this ends as Farscape, too. If only I actually watched Enterprise and knew what this episode was about.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Strange New World

T'Pol: There are other rhetorical devices besides sarcasm, you know.
Tucker: Sure there are.

Comic gold. Suuuuuuuure there are.

[mudshark]

If only I actually watched Enterprise and knew what this episode was about.
This (http://ent.trekcore.com/episodes/season1/1x18/synopsis.html) may help.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Course: Oblivion

Paris: Like family; you understand.
Neelix: Not really. I was cloned.
Paris: Did you just spoil the plot for the sake of a lame DS9 reference? Neelix, Neelix, Neelix....

Always a favorite.

Seven: Uh oh -- interstellar dust!
Janeway: Anybody got an interstellar duster? GAK!
Kim: She's dead!
Seven: Let that be a lesson to us...never anger the Pun Gods.

An important lesson indeed. Too bad I disregard it on every possible occasion, as you guys wil attest to.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Children of Time

Miranda: Any questions?
Jadzia: Yes. Can we start the plot already?
Molly: I'm sure they'll get around to it.

When it's the sixth scene (not including the log entry), that's really saying something about the plot. :)

Kira: But aren't you 200 years older than the other Odo?
Odo: Good point. Call me "Oldo."

Love the Oldo gag.

Five-Minute All Good Things

Crusher: Well, I'm not detecting any chronoplasts in your temporeticulum, but then, I just made those words up.

At least she's honest.

Picard: You found me guilty of pleading not guilty.
Q: Ah, but I didn't pass sentence.
Picard: You froze two of my officers in ice!
Q: That wasn't a complete sentence, it was a prepositional freeze.

Oh, that's horrible. That might even go beyond "punny" as the worst pun ever. Funny, but horrible.

Q: You're familiar with the Captain Pike two-light system, I'm sure.
Picard: THERE ARE F--
Q: Don't even think about it.

Still a favorite.

Picard: You'll do the right thing and let us through, Worf. I know you will.
Future Worf: No, I won't.
Picard: Will you do it for a Kahless Snack?
Future Worf: Yes, I will.

I'd hate to think what you make Kahless Snacks out of.

Future Crusher: Why can't you two put the pasteur behind you?

Oh man, the humanity! ;)

[NAHTMMM]

La Forge: Serves them right for disguising their station as a spectacular three-thousand-foot waterfall instead of a plain old bungalow-sized boulder.
But at least they exploded in opulent style. That's what's important.

Picard: Oh, very well -- but I want you to fix his brain to make sure that his visit to the Enterprise is not a memorable one.
Clear, concise, and funny. Good job.

Troi: And I want to make sure you don't make first contact with anyone under any covers, if you catch my drift.
Troi may not always be up to speed on what's going on at the moment, but she knows her Riker.

Riker: Agreed. Dressing a psychologist in a catsuit would be a regrettable case of shrink-wrapping.
*groan* :D

And *snerk* at the "tapestry" bit at the end, too.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute The Cloud

Kim: Wow!
Tuvok: Shut up, Harry, you've already used up your weekly quota of lines.

He needs to renegotiate his contract...

Neelix: I hereby appoint myself morale officer.
Tuvok: No, have mercy, HAVE MERCY!

Well, that has to be the record for the shortest time needed to do a lousy job in your new position. ;)

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Parallels

La Forge: We're playing "musical stations."
Worf: But where is Captain Picard?
Data: He failed to find a station when the music stopped.

I gotta wonder what song Starfleet officers would use when playing musical stations. I like to think that it's "Star Trekkin'."

Worf: Let's see: no promotion, not married to Troi... but at least I've got my nifty trophy.

Any use of "nifty" is a-okay in my book.

[NAHTMMM]

From here. (http://www.fiveminute.net/voyager/fiver.php?ep=unimatrixzero)

(I actually have seen part of this one. Just the last few minutes or so, but that counts.)


Borg Queen: What's the interlink frequency?
Unfortunate Drone: Beats me.
Borg Queen: Wrong answer. Off with his head!

[...]

Borg Queen: No luck so far. Cut off some more heads.
Ahhh, classic '90's-style upper management.


Paris: Fight the Borg again? I don't like you anymore.
Seven: May I, Captain? Please? Please?
Janeway: I want to talk to Axum first. Tuvok, invent an ancient Vulcan technique we've never heard of before.
See, Nate? Even Zeke makes fun of the plot and/or writers occasionally. ;)

Janeway: So my plan is to break the heck out of the Prime Directive, start a civil war, and put us all at incredible risk. Any objections?
Chakotay: Sounds good to me.
Must be like old times for him. ;)



(BTW: the "next fiver" link at the bottom links to "Imperfections", not Part II.)

[Nate the Great]

Yeah, I think I already e-mailed Zeke about that. I'm sure it's in his stack of stuff to do someplace.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Latent Image

Doc: Care to help me confirm a theory?
Seven: No way.
Doc: It involves serious embarrassment for Harry.
Seven: What time should I show up?

You can always count on Seven to once again smoosh poor Harry's ego into the carpet.

Doc: Good morning, Geordi. I seem to be missing several memory engrams.
Computer: Beep.
Doc: There they are.

I love transplanting lines from one (real) episode to another (fived) episode. Inserting a Dr. Soran line into a Stargate fiver comes to mind:
Malakai: I suppose you've come down to dissuade me from my horrific plot. Good luck.
O'Neill: You watch way too much NextGen.
Teal'c: Indeed.

[NAHTMMM]

Janeway: You need someone.
Seven: Do not.
Janeway: Do too. Nyah.

Doc: You need someone.
Seven: Okay.

Janeway: Hi.
Ambassador: Hi.
Janeway: Bye.
Ambassador: Bye.

Neelix: We've made sure that you can adhere to your rules.
Ambassador: But I don't wanna.
Neelix: Okay.
This is why the episode is not titled "Someone to Agree With Me", presumably. ;)

Seven: Date me.
Chapman: *squeak*
Coincidence that "Chapman" looks kinda like "Chipmunk"? I think not.


Very nicely five-minuteish. :)

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute The 37s

Janeway: Rust?
Paris: No, I'm in no particular hurry.

Ouch.

Kim: We've been through the gates of Hell, and we're still troubled by Gates?

Ooh, a triple joke. Nice!
A. Surviving an object only to be confonted by it again.
B. The substitution of a name for a totally unrelated object.
C. A comment on the worth of Microsoft.

Paris: Warp 9.9. We'll need it to travel 70,000 lightyears.
Earhart: In that case, you'll need some three years to get back.
Paris: Says who?
Earhart: Says Jim Wright.

Yet another plug for Delta Blues. As Jim so eloquently puts it, using real units will almost always get you into trouble because people will Do The Math, every single time.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Threshold

Doc: There's a 2% chance you'll die.
Paris: What? You're reading that wrong; there's a 2% chance I'll survive.
Doc: Well, bon voyage, then!

Ah, the ever-classic Doc/Tom one-sided feud. Comic gold. I'm glad that they actually resolved this one in Renaissance Man before the series ended.

Paris: Can I have a touching deathbed scene?
Doc: No.

While there are scenes that I like more, in terms of hilarty density this one will always top the list for me.

Janeway: Tom's weird.
Staff: Duh!

Maybe this one is second.

Kim: This has to be our stupidest misadventure ever.
Chakotay: Pshaw! After "Spirit Folk," this episode will seem Hugo-worthy.

While I understand Fair Haven bashing, I don't agree with it. I like that program and can see why the crew would enjoy it.

[NAHTMMM]

O'Brien: Okay, so now I'm a fugitive, pursued by an armada of Federation vessels.
Computer: Yes, you're doomed.
O'Brien: Shut up. (ahem) How did I come to this?
Computer: You'd better not make any of those dumb childhood flashbacks, or I'll drive this shuttle into a star.
Heheheh.


Jake: Er, whatever. Can you help me? I'm trying to build a really really really old piece of equipment.
O'Brien: What is it?
Jake: A phased quantum flux icodimensional thorium antimatter quasistabilizer.
Wow, that IS old. Modern technobabble is so much more efficient. ;)


O'Brien: Let's see if anything's wrong on the station. Computer, scan for moldy blue cheese.
Computer: Large quantities detected in DeCurtis' brain.
O'Brien: Ah, so that explains his behavior.
ROFL.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute 11:59

Shannon O'Donnell: Motorist's Log, Stardate 2000. Indiana sucks, my car's about to break, and I'm about to build a giant biodome, minus Pauly Shore. Let the fictional history begin!

I hope that this is an Albuquerque reference.

Henry: No, I don't. But my son is out and about, completely with the times, right, son?
Jason: Yep. I collect pogs and have every Spice Girls CD out there!

Yikes. Talk about out-of-date references. I can just imagine our kids reading this in 2030 and wondering what the heck "pogs" and "Spice Girls" are.

Henry: And now for a night out on the--
O'Donnell: --top floor of your bookstore. Seriously, get a life, man.

An all-time favorite couplet. Kudos, IJD GAF!

Five-Minute In The Flesh

Janeway: Me too. For instance, do you remember what you were doing at nineteen-hundred hours on stardate 51452.8?
Chakotay: Wasn't I having dinner with you?
Janeway: Gosh, that's right. Fancy that. Jog my memory a bit: did I serve smooth or crunchy peanut butter after I burned the roast?

Ah, yes. A reference to yet another one of Harry's dead former girlfriends. Good episode, too.

[NAHTMMM]

I can just imagine our kids reading this in 2030 and wondering what the heck "pogs" and "Spice Girls" are.

Let's hope so. ;)

[catalina_marina]

Actually, in 2030, you should be telling them all this yourself.

[Nate the Great]

Oooh, that would not be a fun conversation. "Why were pogs popular, Daddy?" "Umm, err..."

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Sulu: Captain on the bridge!
Kirk: Admiral.
Sulu: Oh, like it really matters when we're all wearing these one-piece pyjama things.

Yeah, it doesn't really matter.

Sulu: Voyager?
Ilia (V'Ger): V'Ger! Are you deaf? And it contains no coffee whatsoever!
Kirk: Aw.

Poor Kirk. That'd be an interesting story, though, how Janeway somehow went back in time and encountered V'Ger.

Decker: Here are pictures of all the ships that have been called Enterprise.
Ilia (V'Ger): Shouldn't the NX-01 be --
Decker: ALL the ships that have been called Enterprise!

Yeah, Decker, that's convincing.

[NAHTMMM]

Seven: Captain, we are receiving a message from the Alpha Quadrant.
Janeway: I thought we'd done that one this season.

Janeway: Guess what, everyone? We're going to receive a transmission once a month!
Paris: OH YES OH YES OH YES! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh no, what's my dad going to say? What if he doesn't love me anymore? (begins sobbing)
Chakotay: What's up with him?
Kim: He's letting out all that pent-up emotion from last week's episode.
Heheh. The fourth wall never had a chance in this fiver.

Janeway: So have we got any problems with the Holodeck?
Chakotay: Nope.
Janeway: Well, are any Borg vessels approaching?
Chakotay: Nope.
Janeway: Is there anything exciting going on?
Chakotay: Nope.
Janeway: Man, we've had nothing to do for the past month.
Kim: Anyone want to hear my Jeri Ryan elbow story?
Janeway: Oh, not again!
:D :D

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Macrocosm

Tak Tak: As punishment, this incident will be used to give Neelix more importance on Voyager.
Janeway: Please, be merciful!

The horror! :)

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager to anyone who can hear me -- I'm trapped in some sort of terrible horror movie cliché!
Macrovirus: BZZZZZZZ --
(ZAP! SPLAT!)
Janeway: It's just not the same without the bazooka.

Indeed it isn't. Truly a punchline for the ages.

Janeway: I really should make those holodecks explosion-proof, but how often would you really need that sort of thing?

ACK! A flash of genre blindness! Any Dilbert fans remember that punchline?

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Elogium

Neelix: Here's lunch -- eeew! There's a beetle in it!
Kes: Beetles or Neelix's cooking...well, that's a no-brainer.
Neelix: So, are you hun...uh, Kes?
Kes: Crunch. Chomp. Munch. Mmm -- beetles.

Bashing Neelix's food is always fun. I just hope those beetles were chocolate-coated.

Chakotay: Speaking of mating behavior....
Janeway: Don't even bother.
Chakotay: Aw, phooey.

Classic. Besides, people don't say phooey nearly enough anymore.

Janeway: A possibly dangerous anomaly that we know nothing about?
Kim: Yeah. I suppose we should steer clear.
Janeway: Ha! Good one, Ensign.

Good old Cap'n Kate.

Neelix: You know, Kes, I've changed my mind. It might be nice to have a kid. I wonder what our child would look like.
Kes: Yeah, I wonder.
(Awkward pause)
Kes: On second thought, no.

Ditto on the yikes.

Ensign Wildman: Permission to bring aboard a recurring character, Captain.
Janeway: Granted, on the condition that she be born during a shipwide crisis. Let's see...we left DS9 last season, so she should arrive...three months ago?
Wildman: Yeah, I know. Don't bother trying to figure it out.

This really doesn't apply. I think Trek lore states that the gestational period of a half-human/half-whatever is the average of the two parent speices. How are we supposed to know that Ktarian pregnancies aren't normally two-years long?

[JVTruman]

I heard that they planned to air that episode in mid-Season One.

[Nate the Great]

What they planned is sort of moot now, what matters is where it is.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, it's time for some more random fivers!

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Tuvok: Praxis is a moon, sir.
Sulu: Shut up. You're not really in this movie anyway.

Hehe. Poor old Tuvok. Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this whole "Tuvok is over a hundred years old" thing. He doesn't look that old to me. I love his cameos in the Generations fiver, too.

Gorkon: Yo, Kirk my homie. How's it hangin'?
Kirk: Umm....riiight. Dinner?
Gorkon: A'ight, dig ya later.
Kirk: Can't wait.

I can't pull of "a'ight." It's a terrible shame, really.

Judge: In the interest of time, you two are both guilty.
Worf: But I didn't get my cameo!
Chang: And I didn't get to do my bad guy bit!
Judge: Too bad.

Poor guy. It's a very thin line to cross, this bringing up of plot points that you're going to be skipping. Very hard to pull off.

Klingon Guard: Martia, Martia, Martia!
Kirk: That wasn't funny.

I'm on the fence on whether it's funny or not.

Chang: Muahahahaha. Check out my ride.

I have to admit it, but unless we're talking Captain's Logs, I've always hated one-line scenes in fivers. I suppose because when you only have one line to work with, the line tends to edge a bit too far into blatant, oh-so-blatant exposition. Not that this isn't a good line, 'cause it is.

Sulu: Ha! You can fire at me now, I'm important too.

I would've been tempted to add:

Kirk (over comm): No, you're not.
Sulu: Awww, that's mean!

:)

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Brothers

Riker: So why don't we take it from the top?
Jake: The top of what?
Troi: Chekov impressions won't get you anywhere.

Ah, classic humor.

Data: (Picard's voice) Computer, lock out everyone except me.
Computer: Please give Picard's access code.
Data: How many times have I asked you to stop speaking with Lwaxanna's voice?
Computer: Never mind, Captain. Sorry to disturb you.

Now that's an access code few people will guess. Smirk.

Data: Where am I?
Soong: The pit of despair! Don't even think -- heh heh, kidding. This is just your dad's lab.
Data: I hate to tell you this, but my dad died... a long time ago.
Soong: Wrong again! He's alive!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The Princess Bride and The Lion King in the same scene--classic!

Captain's Log: The computer has provisionally accepted I might be the real Picard, the boy is healed, and Lore is off to find some Borg. Only one question remains: can you end an episode with a Captain's Log?
(The episode ends at Ludicrous Speed)
Guess so.

I'm so glad that people don't overuse the post-Ludicrous Speed gag. It works this time, but I don't want it to ever turn into a Dead Horse that we're beating over and over again.

[AKAArzosah]

Five Minute "Minefield" (http://www.fiveminute.net/enterprise/fiver.php?ep=minefield)

There's way too many good quotes in that to put them all here, but I would be interested to know if the aliens language in the fiver actually translates in any way (I'm asking here before I spend three hours trying in vain or something).

[mudshark]

Five Minute "Minefield" (http://www.fiveminute.net/enterprise/fiver.php?ep=minefield)

There's way too many good quotes in that to put them all here, but I would be interested to know if the aliens language in the fiver actually translates in any way (I'm asking here before I spend three hours trying in vain or something).
There is. The discussion thread which followed the fiver's publication covered it fairly thoroughly but I don't think it's available any longer. In a nutshell, it's called a Caesar cipher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caesar_cipher). IIRC, more than one was used.

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Favor the Bold

Sisko: No, and I really don't know what the Admirals were thinking with that strategy. We're going to retake Deep Space Nine or blow our special effects budget trying.
Dax: It's about time! What made up your mind?
Sisko: I have a sneaking suspicion that Dukat won't feed my fish. I want to get back there before they croak.

Now there's a poll waiting to happen: what kind of fish would Sisko have?

Kira: We're looking for Odo.
Jem'Hadar Soldier: He's... unavailable at the moment.
Quark: What's that supposed to mean?
Jem'Hadar Soldier: It means --
Bajoran Soldier: Boump chicka bow-bow!

Bow-bow? I thought it was "bow-wow."

Kira: Will you do it for a Vorta Snack?
Weyoun: No.

Ah, the ever-impressive, well-contained, but never (almost) duplicated Scooby Snack gag. I love to use it myself.

Kira: Well, all right, as long as you think Morn can keep this quiet.

Why don't we use Morn's muteness as a gag more often? (PNQ time!)

Dukat: Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.
Damar: Really?
Dukat: No, but that's what we're going to be telling the Dominion. Kapeesh?

Woah. Dukat saying "kapeesh." Don't see that every day.

[Chancellor Valium]

Woah. Dukat saying "kapeesh." Don't see that every day.
Far Beyond The Stars crosslink there? :p

Besides, what else would he say there? "Khepesh" wouldn't make much sense, after all...

[Nate the Great]

I don't know, but I'd imagine Vic Fontaine saying kapeesh before Dukat.

CV, I have no idea what you're talking about.

[mudshark]

If it were Vic saying it, it would be "capisce".

[Nate the Great]

I was unsure of the spelling, so I followed the fiver's lead. Shocking, right?

[Nate the Great]

Five-Minute Resolutions

Chakotay: Hey! Don't I get to say goodbye too?
Janeway: Nah, you're boring.

I still remember distinctly how Jim Wright felt that this particular plot point was inaccurate. After all, a third of the crew was once his, right?

Janeway: Why are you pointing that way, little fella? What are you trying to say?
Monkey: There's a storm coming, you ditz. Yeesh.

That's one smart monkey. One hopes that Janeway didn't go bananas. Hey, why is everyone throwing rotting fruit?

Tuvok: What makes you think you can change my mind when Harry failed?
Kes: For starters, I'm way cuter than he is.
Tuvok: Good point.

It's only now that I think about how I'd have laughed if Tuvok only said "Point," as though he's trying to be street smart or something. :)

Five-Minute Body Parts

Rom: How's the bidding going?
Quark: High bid is a Canadian Loonie, two buttons and some pocket lint.

Yeah, I know that a loonie is a buck, but I'm suddenly struck by how valuable a four-hundred year old piece of currency would be worth to Quark. Yeah, yeah, "you're overthinking again, Nate." Grumble, grumble...

Sisko: Quark, we've just received a shipment of furniture from the planet I'keya, but they only sent one Allen key to assemble it with.

Sure, IKEA, that part of the joke makes sense, but Allen keys? Isn't this the sort of thing that self-sealing stem bolts were created for?

[Nate the Great]

Wheel of Morality turn turn turn, tell us the lesson we should learn...