Vote or Die

[Zeke]

Stan: Vote or Die? What the hell does that even mean?
Puff Daddy: (pulls out a gun) What do you think it means, bitch?

Fiver By Committee Colon Online Java Poll For Internets (http://poll.pollcode.com/31e)

I picked what seemed like the top ten suggestions and added Godzilla as an afterthought. Go vote.

Note: This poll is in no way binding, unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will. Also, the Bond option refers to any Bond movie. We'd pick the particular one later.

Note 2: YOU CAN VOTE FOR MORE THAN ONE THING. That's why I didn't just use our built-in forum poll feature.

[ijdgaf]

So far it's a six way tie! Woo!

[Zeke]

Hmm. I've added a Note 2 which may be relevant, because I know five of those six votes are mine.

[ijdgaf]

I guess it doesn't let you vote twice though. Hmm...

Ah well. I picked my top pick. Didn't pick any others because I thought it'd be fairest.

[Nate the Great]

Well, we'll see how this turns out...

[Nate the Great]

Oh, and are you guys really serious about fiving Jaws? Is there actually enough plot to fill an entire fiver?

[AKAArzosah]

Voted.
And it's Indiana Jones in the lead by a head, closely followed by Jaws and the ever popular Independence Day. Close behind and still in with a chance we have Jurrassic Park, 2001, the family-favorite Terminator, Time Machine, James Bond, and the Japanese favorite Godzirrrra. Bringing up the rear is Close Encounters, and ET probably without a chance now. Only a few furlongs left to go now in the Committee Cup...

[AKAArzosah]

I think Jaws would work, but I don't think it'll end up being that one. Personally, I liked your version.

[Nate the Great]

Thanks. I still think that my version pretty much encapsulates the plot.

[ijdgaf]

When's the last time you saw Jaws? Perhaps you are thinking of its sequels.

[AKAArzosah]

It had sequels? Oh Gawd. I never knew.
I don't think I ever saw ALL of Jaws. And what I have seen mus have been years ago at least. It never really personally interested me all that much.
Come to think of, is Jaws even really Sci-Fi? It's more like horror, I would think. Unless they really go into an explanation of it's size at some point.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Come to think of, is Jaws even really Sci-Fi?

Well, the shark behaves nothing like real sharks do, so there's your fiction right there.

As for the science, uhh...
"Science fiction is whatever I point to and say 'that's science fiction'" - Damon Knight

Completely off topic...IJD, is that a Star Destroyer made of bubbles?

[AKAArzosah]

I believe it is a Star Destroyer made of Euros.

[mudshark]

Voted. Do I win a free phone?


Completely off topic...IJD, is that a Star Destroyer made of bubbles?
I wondered about that, too. Not about the bubbles -- just what it was, in general (or is it something to do with Euros? I just don't know... )

[Nate the Great]

Never saw any Jaws movie. I don't feel that it's necessary.

[ijdgaf]

That's fine. But it's probably necessary if you're going to try to summarize a full length feature film (and one which jump-started the career of one of the greatest Hollywood directors of our time) into a mere two lines.

[Zeke]

Star Destroyer? People, that's <i>obviously</i> the Enterprise from his usual avatar, just overlaid with Euros or whatever those are.
It had sequels? Oh Gawd. I never knew.
I don't know about the others, but Jaws 2 is notable for one of the all-time great movie slogans: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...."

[AKAArzosah]

Invented by Jaws 2, and then used by every other movie ever to have a hint of water in it since. Did they get a bigger boat in that one, then?

[ijdgaf]

I honestly don't remember. The sequels kept diving into deeper and deeper levels of suck each time. Until we had a movie about an intelligent shark who wanted revenge on the Brody family, and followed his wife and son from New England to the Carribbean, only to be killed by the mast of a sailboat.

No joke.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, so I read the plot summary on Wikipedia, and since the entire plot seems to be:

Jaws: Aaargh!
A Bunch of People: Gak!
Quint and Brody: Eat compressed air!
Jaws: Gak!

I think my original fiver stands.

I'm not begrudging the opportunities for really stupid fish jokes, it's just that...well...I'm a stubborn and whiny person when I don't get my way. I don't think this is new information, is it?

[PointyHairedJedi]

"It's a different film, Ted, it's a very different film. It's a different shark!"

Ah, Father Dougal, how right you were.

[ijdgaf]

Sorry Nate, but reducing one of the great classic films of the latter-half of the twentieth century to four lines based on a plot summary on Wikipedia is the height of ignorance.

[Zeke]

I just discovered that we owe another classic tagline to the Jaws movies. Jaws 4 (Jaws: The Revenge) introduced "This time it's personal."

[Nate the Great]

The height of ignorance conceded. It's fun up here. :)

[ijdgaf]

Sorry Nate. At the height of ignorance, one is too ignorant to realize that up is down.

[Nate the Great]

Of course there's a sign saying "The peak of the Mountain of Ignorance" at the top of the Mountain of Ignorance. How else would anyone who's there know where they are? :)

[Nate the Great]

So how long is this poll likely to last?

[ijdgaf]

Ack, when did Independence Day pull ahead and gain such a healthy lead?

[mudshark]

Someone could probably make some interesting statistical inferences by analyzing the results of that poll, though I'm not sure how easily The Time Machine's position could be explained, just at the moment.

[Nate the Great]

Ditto on the ack.

[catalina_marina]

Voted. Independence Day seems to be winning. I hope so, since I have never seen anything of Indiana Jones. Played a game of it once, though. Way before I knew any English beyond yes/no. Made this specific game hard to play. :p

[Nate the Great]

"Snakes. Why'd it have to be Snakes on a Plane?"

[ijdgaf]

Everyone on the planet should make a point to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. Instant classic. Even if it doesn't get fived by FBC, it's still well worth a watch.

[Nate the Great]

"Instant classic." How long do you have to microwave that? :)

[catalina_marina]

It's not instant if it takes time.

[Nate the Great]

Everything takes a certain amount of time. Besides, it's just an instant soup joke.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Instants vary as much as infinities do. It's all terribly confusing.

[Nate the Great]

Life in a nutshell.

[Chancellor Valium]

2001!

Sci-fi, please :)

[catalina_marina]

Everything takes a certain amount of time.

In reality perhaps. Not in my line of expertise though. :P

[Nate the Great]

That's why I never became a scientist. Too much is possible in theory that can never and will never be possible in reality.

[ijdgaf]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that, since the thread itself didn't get to vote, it went for the only alternative.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

That's why I never became a scientist. Too much is possible in theory that can never and will never be possible in reality.

Nothing's impossible, not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about. Right, professor?

Farnsworth: Ayeeaaawha?

[catalina_marina]

Instants vary as much as infinities do. It's all terribly confusing.

Hm, I don't know... Countably infinite, yes. But countably instant? Unless you mean something like lim_n->inf 1/n...

[Nate the Great]

Janeway: The first day I became a Captain I swore I'd never get involved in one of these gosh-forsaken time paradoxes. The past is the future, the future is the past, the whole thing gives me a headache.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Unless you mean something like lim_n->inf 1/n...
Oh dear, my brain has exploded.

[Chancellor Valium]

Janeway: The first day I became a Captain I swore I'd never get involved in one of these gosh-forsaken time paradoxes. The past is the future, the future is the past, the whole thing gives me a headache.

"That's right, yes, you're going. Gone for ages. Already gone. Still here. Just arrived. Haven't even met you. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time."

@catalina: Not in the extratemporal physics of the time vortex ;)

[mudshark]

Oh dear, my brain has exploded.

And me without a spork. http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g223/mudshark58/smilies/grmbl.gif

[Nate the Great]

Zombie Bob: Brain for eat, not for think.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I wonder, if the Earth was overrun by zombies, would Mick Hucknall be the last human left? I have a theory that not even the zombies would want him, somehow.

[Chancellor Valium]

No. He'd have Noel Edmonds and Janet Street-Pawtah for company.

[Nate the Great]

You weren't wondering, but Zombie Bob is a VERY minor character from Season Two of the webcomic A Modest Destiny. Particularly obscure. I'm proud of it.

[Zeke]

This seems the logical day to announce that I've decided on Independence Day as our target. More on this in (hopefully) tomorrow's update.

[PointyHairedJedi]

An update? Oh, don't tease us so, Zeke.

[Nate the Great]

Could somebody please direct me to the Whiner's Corner? Apparently I'll be in the cold until you guys finish the comver.

[AKAArzosah]

Buy it on eBay...?

[Nate the Great]

"Tell me why I need another pet rock."

[NAHTMMM]

Oh man, there is SO much stuff I could do to . . . erm, with . . . Independence Day >:-)

[NAHTMMM]

Here's a 160-odd KB script (http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/id4.html) of the movie. (Several others out there, but this appears to be the one that uses the least bandwidth.) Unfortunately it's not divided up like the one we used for The Matrix.

[Nate the Great]

By the way, you guys should read Beyond Star Trek by Lawrence M. Krauss. It's the sequel to The Physics of Star Trek, and has a chapter specifically devoted to the scientific inaccuracies of Independence Day. I personally find it amusing that he proves that if there really was a flying saucer THAT big and THAT close to Earth, it could do a great deal of damage just hovering there.

[KillerGodMan]

By the way, you guys should read Beyond Star Trek by Lawrence M. Krauss. It's the sequel to The Physics of Star Trek, and has a chapter specifically devoted to the scientific inaccuracies of Independence Day. I personally find it amusing that he proves that if there really was a flying saucer THAT big and THAT close to Earth, it could do a great deal of damage just hovering there.

*adds to reading list*

Independence Day wasn't my vote (Jurassic Park was), but it's still a good movie

[LtFielding]

By the way, you guys should read Beyond Star Trek by Lawrence M. Krauss. It's the sequel to The Physics of Star Trek, and has a chapter specifically devoted to the scientific inaccuracies of Independence Day. I personally find it amusing that he proves that if there really was a flying saucer THAT big and THAT close to Earth, it could do a great deal of damage just hovering there.
Ooooooooooooooohh.... physics. I voted for Jurassic Park, Independance Day, and Something else. I was hoping for Jurassic Park because I want to see a parody of a bad copy of a New york Times Bestseller. And why isn't there any five minute parody's of books?

[Nate the Great]

Um, loaded question. Moving on...

[Zeke]

And why isn't there any five minute parody's of books?

Well, it's more like there aren't any yet. I haven't yet had a compelling reason to expand into that particular medium (except once in an <a href="../tv/dizoon.html">Easter egg</a>). Books also tend to have much more story than TV episodes, which would lead to long fivers. Usually what I'd do instead is work with movie or TV adaptations; for instance, if I wanted to do a fiver of <i>The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe</i>, I'd use the movie as source material, since we already have a section for movies and it was a pretty faithful adaptation.

However, I do have a book fiver I'm toying with at the moment. And NAHTMMM has written a number of fivers of Trek novels, which he posts here at the forums.

(Speaking of the forums, welcome to them!)

[Nate the Great]

Yet. Ooohhhh. I can just see it now: a novel fiver hovering there on the horizon, just out of range of Disaster Area's public address system. Until Hotblack Desiato tunes up, of course. :)

[Chancellor Valium]

I did want to do some parodies of Sherlock Holmes a while back...

[Nate the Great]

Oooohh...

I really would suggest that the FBC actually get underway and (I cannot stress this enough) you let Zeke post another one of my dusty, cobweb-covered fivers before you start asking for stuff. Pretty please?

[NAHTMMM]

Re: novel fivers
Books also tend to have much more story than TV episodes, which would lead to long fivers.
Especially when I'm writing them. :rolleyes:

And NAHTMMM has written a number of fivers of Trek novels, which he posts here at the forums.
I've only got three up so far, but the links to them and a reasonably up-to-date list of drafts are on my website at . . . um, Angelfire, which seems to be down at the moment . . . . Anyway, they're all in the Misc forum and rather easily found by looking at a list of threads I've started (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=8&starteronly=1). The page on my site should be accessible from the link in my sig.

On a related note: Zeke, is the PM system broken or working?



Re: 5BC:

I've got a draft of various scenes that probably works out to a page or so in length. It's been very amusing, as I've been seeing how many references to a certain franchise (whatever franchise you're thinking of, you're wrong. Unless, maybe, you're KJ) I can fit in naturally ( answer: so far, a lot :D ). Plus, of course, there's all the brilliantly incisive humor that long-time fans have come to expect to see from <s>me</s> other people.

[Nate the Great]

I love that word, "tend." 'Cause basically that means "on the average," which means "there are books out there that'd need a tenner, or more." The classic novel Centennial (or at least classic to me) comes to mind. In many ways it's the biography of a town itself, covering millions of years. Dozens of main characters. You couldn't do it justice with just a fiver. Not possible.

[Wowbagger]

However, I do have a book fiver I'm toying with at the moment. And NAHTMMM has written a number of fivers of Trek novels, which he posts here at the forums.

Look, I'm sorry--I don't frequent these forums and I miss things.

WHERE are these novel fivers?

[Nate the Great]

Amazing how such a topic evolved out of the comver thread.

[mudshark]

Look, I'm sorry--I don't frequent these forums and I miss things.

WHERE are these novel fivers?
In the link provided by NAH a couple of posts up (or in this one (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/search.php?searchid=11717), which is the same) look for the ones which say "Novel Fiver" in the thread title -- there are three of these, as far as I can tell, numbered Second, Third and 4th -- and I believe that "War Drums (Next Gen) unofficial book "eighter" - Um, Peace Cymbals?" is actually the first one.

[Wowbagger]

What I've learned:

Lesson 1: You are a moron if you don't read all the posts in the thread.
Lesson 2: You are a moron if you comment on something and forget that it ever existed. (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showthread.php?t=566)

[NAHTMMM]

^ What makes you think that? Did a "MORON" stamp magically appear on your forehead or something? ;)



Anyway, has anyone else been jotting down scenes or jokes for this collaboration?

[Wowbagger]

^ What makes you think that? Did a "MORON" stamp magically appear on your forehead or something? ;)

Actually, yes.

And, because it's the Internet, there's nothing you can say to that. Nothing!

[Nate the Great]

To return to the purported topic of this thread, hasn't the purpose been served? Isn't it time for a Block One thread yet?

[NAHTMMM]

Actually, yes.

And, because it's the Internet, there's nothing you can say to that. Nothing!
*tries it* . . . Ooo, apparently you're right! That's weird. o_O


To return to the purported topic of this thread, hasn't the purpose been served? Isn't it time for a Block One thread yet?
Yes, the purpose has been served. Unfortunately, it went long for a fault, and before anyone could corral it for another try a dog jumped up and grabbed it and ran off. We're still trying to run the silly mutt down. ;)

[mudshark]

^ Good answer. :D

[Wowbagger]

So, uh... I have no idea what NAHTTTM just said, so can I just go start a Block 1 thread? Or is that Zekey-Booky-Doo's job?

[Nate the Great]

It's Zeke's job. First we need the official newspost.

[NAHTMMM]

Then we need the warrant, and THEN comes the . . . wait, wrong TV show. Never mind. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v27/Sloublues/Smilies/konkgoofy.gif

[Nate the Great]

You sure you're using a big enough hyperspace mallet there, NAHTMMM?

[NAHTMMM]

Of course I am. It's not like I'm constructing a bypass or anything like that.

[Wowbagger]

Then I should probably stop posting. Worryingly enough, Zeke has not posted in a single thread in which I have commented. If I continue posting at my current rate and this continues, Zeke will soon cease all postings in his own forums.

Actually, that'd be really cool, in an evil sort of way.

[Nate the Great]

Zeke's still pining for the fjords, remember? :p

[NAHTMMM]

And I drive a Chevy.

[Nate the Great]

That's random...

[NAHTMMM]

Well, I'm just sayin', if I drove a Focus or a Mustang or somethin' then I could drive here in it, leave it parked out front, and maybe it would entice Zeke back. You know? Seems pretty reasonable to me.

[Nate the Great]

Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here...

[PointyHairedJedi]

Well, I'm just sayin', if I drove a Focus or a Mustang or somethin' then I could drive here in it, leave it parked out front, and maybe it would entice Zeke back. You know? Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Perhaps if there were nacelles stuck on the side. Or, if it were a DeLorean (though in that case you would have had to push it rather than drive it, as that would have been far quicker).

[Nate the Great]

Hey, what's with the DeLorean bashing?

[PointyHairedJedi]

I think it looks awesome. It's just that everyone who ever had to go near one agrees that it was hidiously underpowered, not to mention that it had a host of other problems.

[Chancellor Valium]

Plus the severe brain damage involved in just getting into the damn thing....

[Nate the Great]

It's only underpowered in the USA because our laws force it to have extra antipollution stuff included that dumb down the engine.

[mudshark]

There was also the problem with having to steel-wool it regularly to keep it from getting rust spots.

[Nate the Great]

Well, if you want style, I suppose you have to pay for it.

[mudshark]

Better something a bit less stylish which isn't broken all of the time and horrendously expensive to fix, if you ask me. It makes some of the old Italian sports cars look positively reliable, by comparison.

It looks fine, standing still; it's in expecting it to behave like an automobile that you begin to run into trouble. From a mechanical design standpoint, it was a complete failure.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, moving on...

[mudshark]

Okay, moving on...

What, again? http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g223/mudshark58/smilies/tongue.gif

[Nate the Great]

A tongue-sticking smily? Please, could someone send me a list of all of the smiles you can make in this forum and what you type in to make them? I can't help but feel that I'm losing out on some creative possibilities.

[mudshark]

Please, could someone send me a list of all of the smiles you can make in this forum...
Look at the bottom of the page, where it says:

Posting Rules
...and click on the word "Smilies"

[Nate the Great]

Thanks.

[PointyHairedJedi]

We need an exploding aardvark smiley.


Just sayin'.

[Nate the Great]

Ah, the next big forum war: "Smilies we should be able to use."

[NAHTMMM]

Still looking forward to when we get this show on the road. :)

[Zeke]

You and, apparently, the spambots.

[NAHTMMM]

Hopefully they can calm down and come back with some ideas that are actually, y'know, funny. And relevant.

[Nate the Great]

No, no mechanical fivists! The horror! I'm reminded of a Dave Barry gag about the Japanese (supposedly) analyzing old Woody Allen movies in an attempt to learn how to export cheap, reliable humor to America and putting our comedians out on the streets. (Paraphrased quote) "It'd be horrible. Innocent people could get hit by pies. I don't want my child to grow up in a world like that. Not with the high cost of dry cleaning." :)

[PointyHairedJedi]

Well, you know, some of us are still just hoping that the war will be over by Christmas.



(It's late, and I have no idea what the hell that means. I also don't care that much. Did I mention it's late?)

[Nate the Great]

Late, as in the late PointyHairedJedi. It's a sort of threat, you see. I'm not very good at them, but I'm told they can be particularly effective...

(Starts to whistle and amble off...) Hey, where'd this arrow in my butt come from? STELLA!

[PointyHairedJedi]

Hmm. Well, as long as you stay the heck away from my reactor exhaust port, I figure I'm safe.

[Nate the Great]

I'd so much like to make a joke along the rear exhaust port/butt line, but that's too crude for me. Just picture it in your own mind, okay?

[Chancellor Valium]

I'd so much like to make a joke along the Tarkin Doctrine/butt line, but I can't think of any. Just picture it in your own mind, okay?

[Nate the Great]

Did CV just parody me? Whoa. Now if that's not a sign of the Apocalypse, I don't know what is...

[PointyHairedJedi]

Well, know you know you're somebody, eh?

[NeoMatrix]

Hey, lets get this rolling again. I see Independence Day won, so lets start. Also, post more Voyager fivers!

[Nate the Great]

Re: The comver:

Zeke still has to make the official newspost and create a Block One thread (and resurrect the site twice (double zombie) back to it's normal state before we can proceed.

Re: Posting more fivers:

Zeke's job. E-mail him, don't complain in the forum or you'll just make him madder. Oh, and e-mail ONCE per person. He already knows that the regulars are getting antsy, more than one e-mail is just going to make him hate the fiving community as a whole.

To sum up:

(In all politeness) Be quiet and behave. Unless you happen to have a few dozen grand lying around to bribe Zeke with, of course. ;)

[Chancellor Valium]

Uh, Nate? That realaly isn't a model of tact in itself, you know.

[Nate the Great]

What would you suggest, CV? I'm running out of polite ways to say this stuff. If someone knows how to sticky threads perhaps we need a "read this first" thread like other forums have to explain this stuff in a more polite way.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I've heard worse ideas, actually.

[Wowbagger]

*poke*

Let's roll.

[Nate the Great]

Yeah, like that'll work.

[Wowbagger]

Take your Minneapolis cynicism and bury it!

[NAHTMMM]

Let's, um, rock?


I'm starting to come down with the idea that the parts I've drafted are actually funny. I could use a reality check. In general, actually, but on this in particular too.

[Zeke]

DAMMIT. Again I get things going and then disappear. My whole life has been Unlimited One-Step-Forward-Two-Steps-Back Works (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fate/stay_night).

Consider me reminded, or rather, prodded. I've had the movie handy for a while, I just haven't gotten around to re-watching the start of it.

[Nate the Great]

Just get this over with. Getting the April Fool's event over with too would be nice as well.

[NAHTMMM]

You could even come up with an excuse for splitting it over two April 1sts. Make the second iteration all feminine and blame it on flood water damaging the server, or something. ;)

[NeoMatrix]

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