The Dicer is Coming! [Archive] - The Five-Minute Forums

Nate the Great

08-07-2007, 02:09 AM

Oh, well, I know that the anniversary isn't for another few hours, but I have to leave for work soon, so here it is.

Introduction

As you will soon see, a dicer is a fiver that is accompanied by director’s commentary. Of course, fivists aren’t exactly “directors” per se, but work with me here, okay? Five years ago my first Trek fiver, The Inner Light, was posted on what was then Five-Minute Voyager. I decided to write a dicer for it, and I was amazed to find that I’d actually kept a hard copy of the first draft of the fiver. This is the first time that it’ll see the light of day or be read by anyone besides myself and Marc Richard. About half of it is more or less the same as the final draft.

Part One: Commentary on the Original Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: This version of the first scene was more or less kept intact. In our correspondence Marc mentioned that he liked the “folksy” (his term) personality I gave the probe.

Eline: Kamin, you’re awake!
Kamin: Wonderful. Do you mind if I endanger my weakened body by going outside?
Eline: We’re five minutes into the episode, what do you think?
Kamin: Right, stupid question.

Nate: Marc also suggested that I include Picard in Kamin’s first speaker tag, for the sake of the readers who might become confused. In retrospect I see he was right. This scene also includes one of my earlier uses of the self-mocking plot gag. I’ve taken this gag to Jupiter and back, but it still amuses me. As another sign that I was a newbie fivist (does newbist or nevist sound better?), I didn’t include anything to indicate where the heck “Kamin” is or what possible connection there could be between this scene and the previous one.

Batai: Look at our neato tree! Instead of drinking our scarce water, we’re going to give it to this useless tree instead!
Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I’ll fill you in offscreen.

Nate: The first instance of my fondness for really geeky slang, epitomized in future fivers by my characterization of Jadzia Dax. However, this also shows my tendency to poke fun at the frailties of trying to contain the complete plot into five minutes. In later fivers my editors (Derek in particular) showed me that I shouldn’t be this direct with my commentary on the foibles of abridging.

Riker: What’s going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard’s brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow it up.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: Marc was right to make me change “it” to “the probe.” It’s been a few scenes since we’ve been on the Enterprise, and through the abridging process I skipped a lot of stuff. Also note one of my first uses of the all-purpose “meh.” It was a relatively new word to me at the time, and I loved to use it anytime possible. Thank heaven I could use “Indeed” with Teal’c in my Stargate fivers, or else I’d have overused
meh with him as well.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I have to stargaze and play my flute.
Administrator: Go ahead, because you won’t be making any water condensers.
Kamin: On second thought, let’s make like rabbits!

Nate: I swear that the obvious Stargazer joke had not occurred to me until I started writing the dicer. Really! Yet another instance of my early frailty of referencing plot points that come from nowhere just for the sake of including as much of it as possible. The fact that Kataan is a desert world is absolutely superfluous when you have to chop out plot points to fit the fiver format.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won’t be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench…
Eline: I’m trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.
Eline: By the way, your son wants to be a musician.
Batai Jr.: That’s right.
Kamin: Fine.
Batai Jr.: Aren’t you annoyed at my wishy-washiness when it comes to a career?
Kamin: The world is going to end, so what you do makes no difference.
Meribor: So I shouldn’t marry Dannik?
Kamin: Yes, you should.
Meribor: But you just said…
Kamin: Hush!

Nate: You can tell I was a newbie fivist, because only a newbie would think that a THIRTEEN line scene would actually be allowed. Just look at the size of that thing! In the final draft bits and pieces of this end up as two different scenes. “I’m trying to create a moment here!” is still a favorite line.

Kamin: The world is doomed!
Administrator: I know that. We’re doing all we can.
Kamin: How? We can only launch small missiles!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!

Nate: Although my final version of this scene is better, this version still holds a special place in my heart if only for the nitpicking gag. Although (speaking of nitpicking), why didn’t I say “I’ll fire you!”? Also, it’s a fiving tradition that all unnamed characters get humorously descriptive speaker tags (a favorite is Captain Smug from Star Trek III).

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last…
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: Probably the only scene in the first draft that Marc let me use absolutely untouched. For an early fiving attempt that’s pretty good. Obviously if I was writing this today, I’d have used Gak! Instead of Ack!

Meribor: Let’s go look at the new missile!
Kamin: Why?
Meribor: Umm…errr…
Eline: Because it will find you. Remember us.

Nate: Talk about amateurism, huh? This is what happens when I hold plot cohesiveness above humor.

Crusher: Wake up.
Picard: Whoa, I haven’t had a dream like this since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey.
Riker: I didn’t do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: So I have a fascination with bloodwine. Pretty standard humor level used while tying up plot threads. Probably my only regret is the contribution of the “yeah, right” punchline into the list of my most overused gags.

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot toot…
Riker: I’ll just leave before I break up.

Nate: Another scene pronounced more or less final. Today I’d have said “tooty toot toot…” but for a second fiver it’s fine.

Nate the Great

08-07-2007, 02:10 AM

I didn't know that there was a limit to how many letters you can include in a post until trying to included both dicers at once. Well, here we go again!

Part Two: Commentary on the Final Draft

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: My only regret in this scene is that comma between “yeah” and “right.” I was going for sarcasm, not casual wit.

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Nate: The “who is Computer?” gag seems a little weak in retrospect. At least, it’s not strong enough to justify being the second gag in a long (for a fiver) scene. At least the “knockout redhead wife” gag works on two levels. The first level is my original intent, his Nexus wife from Generations. It works for Beverly Crusher, too, if you happen to be a shipper, which I am. Everyone can see whatever meaning they want. This is also my first Monty Python gag use in a fiver. Castle Anthrax (if you just arrived from Vulcan and don’t know) is a place where a bunch of nubile young women occupy themselves by dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear, etc. Of course, in the episode the “seduction,” if you want to call it that, comes later, but I think that it works well here. Besides, I didn’t five that scene anyway.

Kamin: Who are you?
Batai: I'm Batai, council leader, best friend, and all-around loafer.
Kamin: Pleased to meet you. I'm Picard, starship captain, archaeologist, and all-around galactic savior.
Batai: Shouldn't you be pushing the amnesia angle to get information?
Kamin: Um...err...I think it's time to run for the hills now!

Nate: I particularly enjoy the “galactic savior” part. Of course, with the possible exception of his ongoing war with the Borg, I’m not sure if you could call Picard a “galactic savior” in any event, anyway. Kirk’s certainly earned that title, though.

Riker: What's going on?
Crusher: My tricorder keeps getting a busy signal from Picard's brain.
Worf: I suggest we blow up the probe.
Crusher: But what if it kills the captain?
Worf: Meh.

Nate: See, if I’d left it at “it” and not “the probe,” what would you think Worf wanted to blow up? If you stringently obey the rules of grammar, it would be implied that Worf wanted to blow up Picard’s brain, as that was the object most recently mentioned. If I’d needed another gag for this scene I could’ve made Worf’s final line “then I call dibs on his stereo!” or the like, but I suppose that would’ve been too far out, even for MY fivers.

Eline: I want a baby!
Kamin: Sorry, I'd rather play my flute and build water condensers to help us survive the drought.
Eline: But you're a terrible musician and the Administrator won't give you a building permit!
Kamin: On second thought, let's make like rabbits!

Nate: You can thank Marc for the terrible musician/building permit joke. I certainly never would’ve thought of it at that point in my fiving career. Marc also really helped out by reducing the plot point to “building permit.” Who needs water condensers and droughts to deliver a funny line?

Data: I am now cutting the phone line.
Probe and Picard: Ack!
Crusher: He's dying!
Riker: Data!
Data: Connection reestablished, but I had to go from AOL to MSN.

Nate: These days we only use “Gak!” for a death, so I suppose I still would’ve used “Ack.” The AOL/MSN joke seems a little weak now, but trust me, five years ago it was hilarious!

Eline: Put you shoes away.
Kamin: Why? They won't be hurt by rain or dust, no one on this planet steals, they are easier to put on from this bench...
Eline: I'm trying to create a moment here!
Kamin: Sorry, dear.

Nate: This is of course the first portion of the megascene from the original draft. Other than that the joke was pretty complete the first time.

Batai: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said...
Kamin: Hush, you!

Nate: See, the scene has more punch when you hold a focus with the plotline! My only regret is the overuse of exclamation points, but I’m not sure if periods would do the gags justice.

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Nate: I remember being very proud of this “insane elected officials” business. At the time I thought it incredibly witty. However, these days the only thing that makes the scene stand out is the last line.

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last...
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: See? Same scene! Should’ve used “rats,” though.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Nate: Further proof that we’re our own worst critics. I now consider that 500 SPF joke pathetically weak. I’m proud of the Eline’s contract gag, though.

Crusher: Jean-Luc, wake up!
Picard: Whoa, I haven't had a dream like that since Riker snuck some bloodwine into my Earl Grey!
Riker: I didn't do that!
Picard: Yeah, right.

Nate: Today of course, I’d have had Riker say “you should be grateful I used the 2293!”

Riker: We found this flute in the probe.
Picard: Oh, goody! Toot toot toot...
Riker: I think I'll just leave before I break up.

Nate: So here we are. Five years later the fiver is still here. The first lines are still missing from the Trek Nation version, though. Whatever. Well, I hope you enjoyed the dicers!

Nate the Great

08-08-2007, 11:18 AM

Um, hello? I put a lot of work into these. Is no one going to at least bash me?

NAHTMMM

08-08-2007, 11:07 PM

Well, I hope you enjoyed the dicers!

That I did! Thanks for sharing :D It's interesting to look at the creative processes of various people and to see how stuff looked before it became the stuff you know it as. Or something like that. Also the comments should be helpful for critiquing my "fanver" drafts. :)

(P.S. I didn't specify what I was guessing earlier because I wanted to leave it for others to figure out on their own.)

Nate the Great

08-09-2007, 01:45 AM

Well, I don't think we need to put fanver in quotes, but okay...

Anyone else?

NAHTMMM

08-09-2007, 09:39 PM

As another sign that I was a newbie fivist (does newbist or nevist sound better?)
I'd stick with "newbie fivist".
Yet another instance of my early frailty of referencing plot points that come from nowhere just for the sake of including as much of it as possible. The fact that Kataan is a desert world is absolutely superfluous when you have to chop out plot points to fit the fiver format.
This sort of thing trips me up a lot. Especially problematic since I tend to go after novels, where the writer can include a lot more in the way of charaterization/throwaway lines/filler than can be fit into a TV episode. Good to be reminded that I don't have to squeeze everything in.

“I’m trying to create a moment here!” is still a favorite line.
As it should be. :D

Kamin: The world is doomed!
Administrator: I know that. We’re doing all we can.
Kamin: How? We can only launch small missiles!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!

Nate: Although my final version of this scene is better, this version still holds a special place in my heart if only for the nitpicking gag. Although (speaking of nitpicking), why didn’t I say “I’ll fire you!”?
I don't know, why would you? :confused:

Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: My only regret in this scene is that comma between “yeah” and “right.” I was going for sarcasm, not casual wit.
I agree that the comma softens the delivery, but I think I originally interpreted the line as sarcasm.

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Nate: The “who is Computer?” gag seems a little weak in retrospect. At least, it’s not strong enough to justify being the second gag in a long (for a fiver) scene.
Eh, it works for me.

At least the “knockout redhead wife” gag works on two levels. The first level is my original intent, his Nexus wife from Generations. It works for Beverly Crusher, too, if you happen to be a shipper, which I am. Everyone can see whatever meaning they want.
I'd forgotten about the wife in Generations being a redhead, personally, so I'm glad you explained you didn't necessarily mean Beverly.

Batai: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said...
Kamin: Hush, you!

Nate: See, the scene has more punch when you hold a focus with the plotline! My only regret is the overuse of exclamation points, but I’m not sure if periods would do the gags justice.
The exclamation points don't really detract from the scene for me, personally.

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Nate: I remember being very proud of this “insane elected officials” business. At the time I thought it incredibly witty.
It sounds familiar somehow. Is it a reference?

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last...
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: See? Same scene! Should’ve used “rats,” though.
I think "drat" works quite well.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Nate: Further proof that we’re our own worst critics. I now consider that 500 SPF joke pathetically weak.
It should probably have another 0 in it. ;)

I’m proud of the Eline’s contract gag, though.
That part's certainly an improvement over the rough draft. :)

Nate the Great

08-09-2007, 11:21 PM

Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I'll fire you!

See the difference, actually...

Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I'll fire you and break your flute!
Kamin: Waaaaaa!

Yeah, yeah, I know, Picard would never whine. It's a fun mental image, though. :)

"Yeah, right..." implies a pause, as though Picard is casually tossing it off as he turns back from the screen to Riker. "Yeah right" is more of a bark, as Picard still looks at the screen.

See, dicers serve a purpose! "In my dreams" immediately brought me to the Nexus, which is a dream world by definition. I suppose Picard COULD dream of Beverly in his real dreams, but somehow I would think that he'd be disciplined enough not to lust after his best friend's wife even in his dreams. Then again, I wouldn't put it past his to subconsciously transmogrify Beverly into that Nexus wife as a way of figuratively having his cake and eat it too, without feelings of guilt. How's THAT for psychiatry?

The insane elected officials business is probably an amalgam of several influences, including the hefty pensions that even unsucessful Presidents get.

Chancellor Valium

08-10-2007, 07:06 AM

"I will" has more emphasis?

I like "drat", too. It sounds so impotent - it really suits the scene, IMNERHO. :)

Interesting stuff. :)

Nate the Great

08-10-2007, 11:54 AM

Oh well....

Anyone care to see a dicer of my Manhunt fiver? I have a first draft of that one, too.

Wowbagger

08-10-2007, 07:52 PM

That sounds entertaining. Please do. I promise to read it within eight months.

Anyhow, I wanted to congratulate Zeke on making 2800 posts. He'd better not respond to this, because then he'd be at 2801 and that would ruin it.

And yes, I do drop in at random times every few months. Just to make sure that, despite appearances, this site is: Not. Dead.

Nate the Great

08-11-2007, 03:43 AM

Wow, you're still using 5MV. I admit that even now I have to force myself to say 5M.net.

Well, "dead" might be a tad strong. "Coma'ed" might be better. After all, the site still thinks it's winter. :)

I forgot to ask about IMNERHO. What does that mean?

PointyHairedJedi

08-11-2007, 10:08 PM

Interesting, Nate, very interesting. I don't know that the term dicer will catch on in this particular context though, it sounds too much like something would would see for sale in an infomercial.

Chancellor Valium

08-11-2007, 10:15 PM

I forgot to ask about IMNERHO. What does that mean?

"In My Never Even Remotely Humble Opinion". :)

Nate the Great

08-12-2007, 12:24 AM

I said in the first post that dicers had nothing to do with infomercial cutlery, but let's see you come up with a better word.

mudshark

08-12-2007, 06:08 PM

Interesting, Nate, very interesting. I don't know that the term dicer will catch on in this particular context though, it sounds too much like something would would see for sale in an infomercial.

"Yes, Jason -- your troubles are over! It's the NEW Friday the 13th MARK V, by RONCO! It slices! It dices! It mashes! It even maims!" [/cheesyTVannouncer]

Nate the Great

08-12-2007, 10:48 PM

Here's a short list of alternatives to dicer:

Group One: "director's commentary fiver"

directver
direcer
direcomver

Group Two: "commentary fiver"

commever
commentiver

Group Three: "annotated fiver"

annover
annoter

Group Four: miscellaneous

balconyver (think Statler and Waldorf)
mistver (think MST)

Actually, looking at the options, commentiver looks like it might be the easiest to use and remember. Directver looks a bit forced.

PointyHairedJedi

08-14-2007, 10:38 AM

...What's wrong with just 'director's commentary'?

Nate the Great

08-14-2007, 11:45 PM

It's boring, that's what's wrong with it! ;)

Nate the Great

10-15-2007, 08:52 AM

Does anyone else care to make a dicer or two? I'd particularly like to hear Zeke tell us how he created the first fiver without any prior experience.

NAHTMMM

10-15-2007, 11:59 PM

I would be interested, but I haven't done any "official" fivers, and I imagine that doing a dicer for my novel fivers would just involve tacking on even MORE (deleted) scenes (Yes, Peter Jackson, I know you don't see anything wrong with that :p), and so . . . sorry, not me.

Oh, and I second (doubly so, even) the special request for Zeke.

Nate the Great

10-16-2007, 03:18 AM

So here's my dicer for Manhunt.

Part One: The Original Draft

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish-sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....

The hyphen in fishstick confuses me, even though I put it there. Today I'd have stuck with the much simpler "two giant fishsticks." The "frozen" is implied.

Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent.
Wesley: Why can't we just replicate some fish for them?
Picard: Apparently they think that replicated fish tastes too "fishy," somehow.

Ugh, that's lame. Replicated fish tasting too fishy. I could claim some sort of two-level joke, with the second layer playing on the use of "fishy" to mean "suspicious," but I'm not sure I was that clever back then.

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there! I'm here to make the episode interesting!
Riker: Is that a good thing?
Troi: Better than talking to fishsticks all day.
Riker: That's debatable.

I love the pilot's exasperation, but once again, I fell victim to the fault of making fun of the plot and/or the fiving process to attempt to create a joke. I think Riker's dialogue is great, though.

Lwaxana: Please carry my luggage, Jean-Luc.
Riker: I'll do it.
Picard: Why?
Riker: I've sworn to protect you, and that thing is so heavy that it set off the mass-overload alarm on this panel.

Nice joke, but I took too long getting to the punchline.

Lwaxana: Don't forget about the ambassadorial dinner tonight, Jean-Luc.
Picard: So I have to wear my dress uniform three different times in one day, plus I get to have dinner with you? This must be my lucky day.
Lwaxana: I'm sensing sarcasm, Captain.
Picard: I'm sure that it's the pain from Riker's arms about to fall off that's distracting you.

Here I work in the ever-useful gag of a Betazoid stating the obvious, plus the classic sarcastic lucky day puchline. Hey, don't replace what ain't broke.

Wesley: She said that the Captain had great legs?
Riker: That wasn't in this fiver.
Wesley: I read the Director's Cut, not the theatrical release.
Data: Impressive.

I love the sheer presumption of the Director's Cut. In my opinion, over ninety percent of films should be the "director's cut" when it's released in the first place. Studios should trust the director's vision, or else get a director they can trust. I distinctly remember the commentary for an old movie, where the head of the studio told the director in essence, "here's the plot I want you to film. You have X dollars to do it and I want it out on date Y. Good luck," and the director would go and make the movie. Hence the theatrical release WAS the director's cut.

Picard: Are you coming to dinner with the other officers, Doctor?
Pulaski: I'm not a bridge officer.
Picard: Sorry, I keep forgetting about that.
Pulaski: Actually the writer of the original script did.

Actually, I don't know if the original writer did or not, but it was an obvious joke. Then again, I kinda got the feeling that even though Pulaski was a senior officer, she wasn't a bridge officer. Remember that you have to pass a test to advance to Commander as a doctor. Pulaski might've never taken the test that Troi later did.

Picard: I brought a bottle of ale for Ambassador Troi.
Homn: (Nod).
Picard: You're going to drink that, aren't you?
Homn: (Nod).
Picard: I can't exactly say that I blame you, given
your job.
Homn: (Nod).

I love Homn's character. He's so awesome. Hey, when a guy can only say one line in canon Trek and one in a novel and still be memorable, he's got style. All I know is that if I worked for Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, and Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed, I'D have a drinking problem.

Pulaski: So the Captain is having dinner with your mother, and this is a bad thing?
Troi: Yes.
Pulaski: Why?
Troi: Because it's creepy!
Pulaski: Ah.

Okay, this one crossed the barrier into uncharacteristic behavior. Then again, maybe not. Troi does sound a little whiny, but that was probably my intention.

Lwaxana: I like Earth men.
Picard: That's great.
Lwaxana: I want you to--
Picard: Sorry, but we're running out of time and we
have to move on to the next scene. Picard to Data.
Data: Aye, sir.

Ugh! There I go again, using the fiving process make a gag so I could skip scenes! I was SUCH a nevist!

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?
Picard: We only have five minutes to tell the story, Data.
Data: For that matter, how does one own a...

I know that Data is literal, but perhaps I overdid his naivete a little too much here.

Picard: Your mother is a lousy telepath.
Troi: Hey, just because she's hitting on you, it doesn't mean that she's crazy!
Riker: Isn't that the opposite of the point that you made a few scenes ago?
Troi: How did you know about that?
Riker: Wesley loaned me his copy of the Director's Cut.

I don't even know if the point is opposite or not, but it won't be the first or the last time a fivist has retconned previous scenes to make a joke. Besides, anytime I can reuse prior gags is good. I got that from Schoolhouse Rock, amongst other places.

Picard: Computer, activate Dixon Hill program.
Computer: I need more information.
Picard: I don't want to bore the readers. You figure it out.
Computer: I'll get you for that.

Sentient computers are fun, but here it is again; skipping stuff and joking about how I'm skipping it. Sheesh, nevist alert!

Madeline: I want my paycheck!
Gangster: And I want to shoot you!
Picard: Computer, freeze program!
Computer: Yeah, right.

So the computer gets back at Picard. Lame scene, though.

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

THIS is classic. Hey, you can't throw gutterballs all the time, eh?

Pulaski: The Antedeans are waking up. Too bad it's not important enough to warrant a full scene, at least by fiver standards.
Worf: Agreed.

And again. We all know why this was chucked. Let's move on.

Riker: Trouble, sir. Mrs. Troi thinks that she's engaged to me.
Picard: Oh, I'm sure that Rex here will be glad to take her off your hands.
Rex: Whoa, whoa, hold your horses!
Riker: She's beautiful and rich.
Rex: I retract my last statement.

I never noticed before that I reused the "let me change my answer" gag. Had I seen that, I would've used it more often in this fiver. I still love Rex's shallow nature, though. You could even call him dim, if you don't mind an AWFUL hologram joke.

Lwaxana: What a messy room you have here, Jean-Luc! Except for the hunk behind the counter, of course.
Rex: What's a dame like you doing in a dump like this?
Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

I consider those last two lines to be one of the best couplets I've ever written for a fiver.

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: Query, why was I not able to do my South American bit and show off my nifty zoot suit?
Picard: Data, this is a fiver. All plot threads are considered superflous unless they can be turned into a joke.
Data: If I were human, I believe the correct response would be "smeg."

Ha ha. Smeg. I swear I've never seen an episode of Red Dwarf in my life, I picked that up from the folks over at 5MSG. I love it. Too bad I felt it necessary to make fun of dropping plot points again.

Lwaxana: Even though I'm steamed at you for setting me up with a hologram, I'll still save your butts and tell you that the Antedeans are assassins.
Picard: Thank you, Mrs. Troi.
Homn: Thank you for the drinks.
Picard: Why would you waste your one line in a fiver repeating what you said in the actual episode?
Homn: (Shrug).
Picard: Whatever, just go away. Hopefully I'll get to do some actual "boldly going" ONE of these weeks.
Homn: (Nod).

Yikes, that's a long scene. I suppose this is the genesis of the "shut up and go away" joke I used in my "In the Cards" fiver. Still a classic.

Nate the Great

10-16-2007, 03:38 AM

Part Two: The Final Draft

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....
Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent, Doctor.
Wesley: What's in the barrel?
Pulaski: It's fish for their wake-up snack. They think that replicated fish tastes a little too fishy, somehow.

Okay, same basic jokes, but fleshed out.

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there!
Picard: What did we do to deserve the --
Data: She has full ambassadorial status, sir.
Picard: -- honour of your visit? Ahem.

The sudden change of direction gag is a classic.

Lwaxana: Please carry my luggage, Jean-Luc.
Riker: I'll do it.
Picard: Why?
Riker: I've sworn to protect you, and that thing is so heavy that it set off the mass-overload alarm on this panel.

Hey, that looks familiar!

Lwaxana: Don't forget about the ambassadorial dinner tonight, Jean-Luc.
Picard: So I have to wear my dress uniform three different times in one day, plus I get to have dinner with you? This must be my lucky day.
Lwaxana: I'm sensing sarcasm, Captain.
Picard: I'm sure that it's the pain from Riker's arms about to fall off that's distracting you.

Wow, so does that!

Wesley: She said that the Captain had great legs?
Riker: That wasn't in this fiver.
Wesley: I read the Director's Cut, not the theatrical release.

Simplified for better humor value. Plus we in fiverland who never watch episodes (if there are any) now know that Picard has great legs. Supposedly. Not that I'd know. Honestly.

Picard: Are you coming to dinner, Doctor?
Pulaski: I already ate, Captain.
Picard: Why does that send a shiver down my spine?

Hey look, the captain's precognisant!

Picard: I brought a bottle of ale for Ambassador Troi.
Homn: (nod)
Picard: You're going to drink that, aren't you?
Homn: (nod)
Picard: I can't exactly say that I blame you, given your job.
Homn: (nod)

Gotta love Homn.

Pulaski: I just saw the captain going towards your mother's quarters.
Troi: How do you know where my mother's quarters are?
Pulaski: When I was reattaching Commander Riker's arm he told me about the suitcase holes leading to it.
Troi: This might be trouble, given her current medical condition. She's in the Phase.
Pulaski: I've heard of it. An anti-menopausal woman and a straightlaced starship captain. I'd pay for tickets to that dinner.

Wow, I'd forgotten about these new gags. Hey, Z, did I really write those? The final punchline seems like me, though.

Lwaxana: I like Earth men. Already I feel like we have a spiritual connection.
Picard: That's great.
Lwaxana: I want you to --
Picard: -- call Data for some after-dinner conversation?
Lwaxana: Um, yes?

Anything that makes Lwaxana Troi, DOTFH, HOTSCOR, & HTTHROB speechless, is a VERY good thing.

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?

Marc was right that two punchlines aren't required for this gag.

Picard: Your mother is a lousy telepath.
Troi: Hey, just because she's hitting on you, it doesn't mean that she's crazy!
Riker: Isn't that the opposite of the point that you made a few scenes ago?
Troi: How did you know about that?
Riker: Wesley loaned me his copy of the Director's Cut.

It's quite a leap from "lousy telepath" to "crazy," isn't it? Then again...

Picard: Computer, activate Dixon Hill program.
Computer: You're on duty.
Picard: I'm doing my duty by protecting my sanity. You wouldn't want to be commanded by an captain who'd been driven insane by an anti-menopausal ambassador, would you?
Computer: You're talking to a computer. Your sanity is debatable.

I'm still unsure where I came up with "anti-menopausal" as the easiest catchall description of Lwaxana's condition. I should've nominated "You're talking to a computer, your sanity is debatable" in the "fiver punchlines in real life" thread.

Madeline: Hey, Dix. We really need some dough. At least I do.
Picard: I'll try to find a case (after I'm done loafing, that is).
Madeline: Say what, Dix?
Picard: Darn textual scenes!

It suddenly strikes me that Picard's puncline should've been in parentheses as well. Just to give Madeline something else to hear.

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

And again, don't mess with what ain't broke.

Pulaski: The Antedeans are waking up. You should tell the captain, Commander.
Riker: Of course.
Data: Can I put my zoot suit on first?
Riker: Who said you're -- oh, never mind. Anything to get away from Ambassador Troi.

I love the phrase "zoot suit." Zoot suit. Zoot suit. Zoot suit.

Riker: Trouble, sir. Mrs. Troi thinks that she's engaged to me.
Picard: Oh, I'm sure that our holographic bartender Rex here will be happy to take her off your hands.
Rex: Whoa, whoa, hold your horses!
Riker: She's beautiful and rich.
Rex: I retract my last statement.

Marc said that I should add "holographic bartender" to help those unfamiliar with the episode, simular to giving Picard and Kamin joint credit for Kamin's first line in my Inner Light fiver. Whatever.

Lwaxana: What a messy room you have here, Jean-Luc!
Except for the hunk behind the counter, of course.
Rex: What's a dame like you doing in a dump like this?
Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

Should Lwaxana really be looking for someone who's predicable and trite, anyway?

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: A telepath marrying a hologram. Query: Does this qualify as a joke?
Picard: Data, anything that ties up plot threads in a fiver qualifies as a joke.
Riker: As long as I don't have to marry her, you can call it anything you like.

This self-referential gag works because it's funny.

Lwaxana: The Antedeans are assassins. They want to blow up the conference.
Antedean: That's slander! Or is it libel, since we're in a fiver?
Data: Their robes are lined with explosives, sir.
Picard: Mr. Worf, take them away. They'll have plenty of time to debate the subject.

I'm sure I wasn't the first to do the slander/libel gag, but that doesn't mean that's it's not great.

Picard: Thank you, Mrs. Troi.
Lwaxana: Until next time, Captain. I'll make sure it's even more exciting, if you know what I mean.
Homn: Thank you for the drinks.
Picard: You used your one line on that?
Homn: (shrug)
(The Enterprise flees from Ambassador Troi at Ludicrous Speed)

There we go. Another dicer done. This is the only other fiver I had a first draft saved for, so any further dicers will have to be final draft only. Maybe I could remember past versions of gags, though.

AKAArzosah

10-17-2007, 06:55 AM

I think the last line should have been (nod) again, but otherwise, all good!

I even changed my signature, observe:

Nate the Great

10-17-2007, 01:27 PM

I suppose it's a tossup.

As for your new sig, I'm sorry, but I love the goat people gag. If you wanted to include both, that'd be good too. In retrospect, "this self-referential gag works because it's funny" could be seen as either remarkably shallow or incredibly clever because it LOOKS remarkably shallow. It's a tossup.

NAHTMMM

10-18-2007, 01:47 AM

Part One: The Original Draft

[...]

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there! I'm here to make the episode interesting!
Riker: Is that a good thing?
Troi: Better than talking to fishsticks all day.
Riker: That's debatable.

I love the pilot's exasperation, but once again, I fell victim to the fault of making fun of the plot and/or the fiving process to attempt to create a joke. I think Riker's dialogue is great, though.
Agreed; if the plot is that transparent then it's fair game IMHO; and agreed.

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

THIS is classic.
Agreed. :D

Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

I consider those last two lines to be one of the best couplets I've ever written for a fiver.
Seems quite possible to me. :D

Part Two: The Final Draft

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....
Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent, Doctor.
Wesley: What's in the barrel?
Pulaski: It's fish for their wake-up snack. They think that replicated fish tastes a little too fishy, somehow.

Okay, same basic jokes, but fleshed out.
It does read a little better, yes. :)

Plus we in fiverland who never watch episodes (if there are any)
*makes a vague waving motion*

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?

Marc was right that two punchlines aren't required for this gag.
Quite so.

I love the phrase "zoot suit."
It's a real riot, isn't it? ;)

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: A telepath marrying a hologram. Query: Does this qualify as a joke?
Picard: Data, anything that ties up plot threads in a fiver qualifies as a joke.
Riker: As long as I don't have to marry her, you can call it anything you like.

This self-referential gag works because it's funny.
Indeed it does!

Nate the Great

10-18-2007, 04:45 AM

Yeah, who cares about fiver fans (fivies?) that don't watch the episodes? ;)

Yeah, that reminds me, had we agreed on fivie as the term for a fiver fan, or is that yet another example of my dementia?

I suppose my next dicer should be Ocarina of Time. Of course I'd include an improved version of it as well, since I don't have the original draft anymore. However, I really think that someone else should post a dicer in here. Just a few MST-like ramblings on the final draft. Come on, you know you want to!

AKAArzosah

10-19-2007, 02:14 AM

I love the goat people quote too but I like to change around every now and again. I would have changed my picture long ago if I could be bothered going to all that effort to get/make a new one.

I also don't like my siggy to be too long - I consider it a little too long at the moment, as it is.

Nate the Great

10-19-2007, 03:48 AM

Then chuck Serenity. Yes, I'm that narcissistic.

PointyHairedJedi

10-27-2007, 05:35 PM

Here, have a mirror.

(Everybody, while he's distracted, let's go through his stuff! I call dibs on his action figures!)

Nate the Great

10-27-2007, 07:01 PM

The dicer project will have to be on hold while I try to get my clonever project going.

Nate the Great

06-02-2008, 05:38 AM

Or not. Altvers seem to be yesterdays news. Oh well.

PointyHairedJedi

06-03-2008, 07:44 AM

I suspect we all are letting stuff slide when it comes to the site? Five-Minute 24, fer instance...

Nate the Great

06-03-2008, 09:00 AM

I'm not going to point fingers; it's just not a smart thing to do.

I really should go back to the OOT dicer, shouldn't I?

Nate the Great

09-23-2017, 03:37 PM

With the recent rediscovery of the Stargate fivers, I've decided to revive the dicer concept, running through my fivers in order. While I'll be copying over everything here, I recommend running through each fiver in its original format first, then coming back here for the commentary.

Entry One: "The Enemy Within (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/enemywithin2.htm)"

HAMMOND: These are the first two planets you're going to go to.
O'NEILL: Flip you for it.
DAVIS: Incoming traveller! Closing the iris.
(Thump thump thump)
HAMMOND: Let's hope the Goa'uld give up soon.
KAWALSKY: I've got a headache. I'll go to the infirmary.

Haha, "Davis". Poor old Walter Harriman (http://stargate.wikia.com/wiki/Norman_Walter_Davis_Harriman) went through his share of placeholder names before becoming a true secondary character, didn't he? Anyway, this is a terrible scene. "Flip you for it" is the only real joke, I could've done better.

HAMMOND: Colonel Kennedy is coming to interrogate Teal'c.
O'NEILL: Doesn't that sound fun?

Sound like fun, Jack. And couldn't I have made a JFK or KFC joke?

O'NEILL: Teal'c, I'm sorry to say that some of my superiors are coming to experiment on you.
TEAL'C: I need to earn their trust.
O'NEILL: Yep.

What a snorefest. Where's the joke?

DOCTOR: How long have you been having these headaches?
KAWALSKY: Ever since I got back from Chulak.
DOCTOR: Look at that lump on your neck!
KAWALSKY: What lump? (Kills Doctor. Eyes glow.) Oh, that lump.

If I was writing this today, I'd probably attempt to spin off that old Looney Tunes joke regarding lumps of sugar and lumps on the head.

DANIEL: We need to find this device near the Stargate if we want to come back. Hey, what's Kawalsky doing there?
KAWALSKY: What am I doing here?
O'NEILL: You must have blacked out. Back to the infirmary with you.

Coma, here I come!

KENNEDY: Hi Teal'c. What do you know about how Goa'uld ships or Stargates work?
TEAL'C: Nothing.
KENNEDY: Well that was helpful.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
KENNEDY: Where did they get their slaves?
TEAL'C: From the First World, the Tau'ri.
DANIEL: Teal'c, humans evolved here.
TEAL'C: You are the Tau'ri? Wow.
O'NEILL: Indeed.

It's always nice when people other than Teal'c use "indeed", but this scene was too long.

CARTER: You need to get some sleep.
DANIEL: I know that. I just need to show the viewers I haven't forgotten about Sha're.
CARTER: OK.

This scene could've been extended, I could've even thrown in a repeat of the lump joke from earlier.

WARNER: There's a Goa'uld in Kawalsky's brain.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Time to kidnap Carter in a futile escape attempt.
CARTER: Why me?
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You're the closest.

I feel that I could've come up with something better than "bummer", possibly involving "buzzkill" or "wet blanket." I also think I could've made the punchline more foreboding, involving a prediction of Jolinar or something.

CARTER: You'll never escape.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Shut up. (Throws her against wall)
O'NEILL: What's going on?
KAWALSKY: Help me get her to the infirmary!

On second thought, if I was rewriting this today I'd skip the whole "kidnap Carter" thing to make room for other jokes and plot points.

HAMMOND: Can you remove the Goa'uld?
WARNER: Maybe.
KAWALSKY: You need to cut it out of me!
O'NEILL: Later.

Toss this whole scene, merge the plot points with a later one.

KENNEDY: Teal'c, we need to make sure that it's not your Goa'uld in Kawalsky.
TEAL'C: OK. (He pulls it out)
O'NEILL: Yuck!

Again, there's a better O'Neill punchline somewhere...

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Send me through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Not until we take you out of Kawalsky.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You will all die!

Where's the joke?

KENNEDY: Maybe we should leave the Goa'uld inside Kawalsky if they'll both die if we remove it.
HAMMOND: Let me think about it. No.

That should be two different sentences. Furthermore, I should've had a joke where Hammond lords over Kennedy.

KAWALSKY: If this doesn't work kill me.
O'NEILL: OK.

Unneeded scene, skip it, skip it (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3MbbQhZfq4)!

WARNER: The procedure worked!
O'NEILL: How much time do we have left in the episode?
WARNER: About twenty minutes.
O'NEILL: Then I'm sure it didn't.

Finally, a fiver-worthy scene!

KENNEDY: I'm going to turn Teal'c into a guinea pig!

Why is this here?

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Serve me, Jaffa!
TEAL'C: No.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Then die!
TEAL'C: Sorry, I'm a main character. I can't die.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

You gotta love main character invulnerability.

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: I'll go to Chulak!
TEAL'C: I think not.
O'NEILL: Let me stick your head in the wormhole. Turn it off!
DANIEL: Ouch.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

A little tweaking is needed, but this one isn't so bad.

HAMMOND: Thinks to a quick call to the President, Teal'c isn't going to be sent away after all.
O'NEILL: Goody.
HAMMOND: Time to go on your first mission and forget Kawalsky ever existed.
O'NEILL: OK.

Again, O'Neill saying "goody" is weird. "Cool" would be way better.

Nate the Great

09-24-2017, 12:37 AM

Entry Two, "Solitudes (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/solitudes2.htm)"

(Daniel and Teal'c fall out of Stargate)
HAMMOND: Where are Jack and Sam?
TEAL'C: They must have taken wrong turn somewhere.

No mention of Albuquerque? I would've referenced Weird Al AND Bugs Bunny given this opportunity.

TEAL'C: We were under fire. They were right behind us.
TECHNICIAN: You broke the Stargate. It'll take a few days to fix it.
HAMMOND: Bummer.

There should've been a voided warranty joke in here somewhere. Given a little more time I think I could've come up with something more Hammond-esque than "bummer" as well.

O'NEILL: Where are we?
CARTER: In some kind of ice cavern. I can't find Daniel or Teal'c. Oh,
and you broke your leg.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
CARTER: Here's the DHD. It's frozen in a block of ice!
O'NEILL: Double bummer.

The last line should've been "And me without my Fire Arrows." Who cares if it's a relatively obscure Zelda joke, it would've made me smile.

HAMMOND: We'll see if they're on that planet you were on.
TECHNICIAN: The probe was blown up as soon as it got there!
HAMMOND: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Seriously, Past Nate, knock it off with all the bummers!

DANIEL: Due to technobabble, they must be on one of these planets.
HAMMOND: Start searching.

CARTER: I've uncovered the DHD. I'm trying it now.

DANIEL: Why did the room start shaking?

There's a milkshake joke in here somewhere.

CARTER: It's not working!
O'NEILL: Take the supplies and climb out.
CARTER: I won't leave you!
O'NEILL: That's an order.
CARTER: OK.

Zzzzzz.....

HAMMOND: We've searched all of the planets. Time to give up.
DANIEL: Wait a minute! There must be a second Stargate! That's what was
making the ground shake! They're here on Earth!
HAMMOND: Why didn't you figure this out earlier?
DANIEL: We had to fill an hour.
TECHNICIAN: The earthquake came from Antarctica.
HAMMOND: OK, lets go rescue them just before they freeze to death.

The ever classic "we had to fill an hour"/Idiot Plot joke.

CARTER: It's an ice planet! We're doomed!
HAMMOND: No you're not!
CARTER: Where did you come from?
HAMMOND: Who knows? We only had five minutes left.

A few too many "five minute" jokes in this one.

Nate the Great

09-24-2017, 12:53 PM

Entry Three: "The Serpent's Lair (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/serpentslair2.htm)"

CARTER: We've set all of our explosives to blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: Great. Prepare to detonate.
TEAL'C: Uh-oh. Apophis' ship is coming.
O'NEILL: I knew it couldn't be this easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GRENADE: Boom.

"Uh-oh"? That doesn't sound like Teal'c. "Set all of our explosives?" Just "We're ready to blow up this ship" would have been adequate.

O'NEILL: Ouch. I'm blind!
TEAL'C: That's just a side effect of the grenade, included for the sake of these cute blind moments.
O'NEILL: That's fun. Not!
CARTER: Now I can see!
O'NEILL: What happened to the blind moments?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes.
O'NEILL: Right.

I should've either skipped the blind stuff or expanded it to have jokes throughout the rest of the fiver (including several Daredevil punchlines, of course).

BRA'TAC: Time to ressurect Klorel to stall for time!

SAMUELS: Hi.
HAMMOND: Not you again.
SAMUELS: Look at my nifty new naquadah warheads! I'm going to blow up the Goa'uld ships!
HAMMOND: Yea, right.

Should've turned Samuels into more of a pyromaniac. And for some reason I forgot the "h" in "yeah."

APOPHIS: Excecute the humans!
BRA'TAC: OK.

There's another typo. Ugh.

BRA'TAC: Hi.
O'NEILL: Hi.
BRA'TAC: I was going to make Apophis and Korel kill each other, but you had to interfere, didn't you?
O'NEILL: Nice to see you, too.

Should've explained Korel a bit.

HAMMOND: Why are the ships just hanging there?

BRA'TAC: Here are your weapons. We need to stall until your spacecraft destroy this ship.
DANIEL: Well, all we have is shuttles but due to budgetary constraints we can't afford a space battle scene.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Ha ha. Should've tracked down when SG-1 actually did start doing space battles so I could say "we won't be able to do that for X years."

HAMMOND: You are the best and the brightest people that we can find. In case the planeet goes foom, you're going to start a new society at Alpha site.

"Planeet"? I must've forgotten to use my spellchecker before sending it to Nan. There should've been an Adam and Eve joke from one of the Alpha Site colonists.

O'NEILL: So even with a few gliders we couldn't destroy Apophis' ship?
TEAL'C: Indeed.
CARTER: Well, the explosives will blow up this ship.
O'NEILL: So we need to get to the other one.

There has to be a funnier way to cover this.

SAMUELS: There go my missiles! How exciting!

APOPHIS: Missiles? Don't make me laugh! Shields!

HAMMOND: The missiles didn't work.
SAMUELS: Drat.

Skip the Apophis line, combine the two Samuels scenes, and add a joke.

BRA'TAC: Do you have any more explosive?
CARTER: Nope.
BRA'TAC: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Should've thrown in a MacGyver joke, "not unless you have a stick of chewing gum and some duct tape" or something.

SAMUELS: I'm scared.
HAMMOND: Cry me a river. Go and sulk in the corner.

DANIEL: I'm shot. Leave me behind.
O'NEILL: I won't.
DANIEL: I'm a main character. I can't die.
O'NEILL: Right, I keep forgetting.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do use the main character invulnerability joke a lot, don't I?

BRA'TAC: I directed the two ships toward each other. If we disable the shields on Apophis' ship it will be destroyed along with this one.
O'NEILL: Thanks to our last two grenades the shields are gone.
BRA'TAC: That was way too easy.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

HAMMOND: I've launched the shuttle. Hopefully the budget will let us see it this time.

DANIEL: Hi. I used the Stargate on the ship with a second to go on the detonation.
HAMMOND: Lucky you.
DANIEL: Not luck, my contract.

I've said it before, the main character invulnerability joke is always funny.

O'NEILL: Good thing we were on these gliders when the ships blew up.
CARTER: Oh-oh, we were damaged in the explosion. I guess we're going to die after all.
O'NEILL: I think not. There's a shuttle right there.
CARTER: Wow! I thought I'd never see one of those!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

How could a space shuttle dock with a death glider?

BRA'TAC: Hi, Hammond. I've got to go.
O'NEILL: Great. Please don't show up again until next season.

I don't know why I said this. I like Bra'tac, and he'll appear seven episodes from now anyway.

Nate the Great

09-26-2017, 12:21 PM

Entry Four: "Need (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/need2.htm)"

O'NEILL: Look at the Jaffa carrying naquadah through the Stargate.
CARTER: We can see them.
O'NEILL: Well the reader didn't.
CARTER: Oh.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This must've been early on before I learned to dial back on this sort of fourth wall-breaking expositional gag.

DANIEL: She's going to jump!
CARTER: Who?
DANIEL: That woman there on the edge of the cliff.
CARTER: So now we can see them? Stop confusing me.
O'NEILL: Calm down.
DANIEL: My turn to be the hero, right?
O'NEILL: Let me check the schedule. Okay.... hmmm... yep, your episode.
DANIEL: Good. I'll go rescue her.

I do like the schedule gag.

SHYLA: Huh?
JAFFA: Get away from her!
O'NEILL: Sure.

"Huh?" doesn't seem to fit. That should've been more descriptive.

SHYLA: This is my dad, Pyrus the God Slayer.
O'NEILL: What a great name. Do you put that on your income tax returns? Occupation: God Slayer.
PYRUS: Silence! Off the naquadah mine with you!
O'NEILL: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do like the occupation gag, whether for tax returns or business cards.

JAFFA: Dig!
O'NEILL: You know I would, but I'll think I'll futilely try to excape now.
JAFFA: OK.
JAFFA 2: Yeah right.
O'NEILL: I told you it was futile.

Seriously Nate, spellchecker. Should've tried to fit a Borg joke in here.

PYRUS: It stinks that even though I use a sarcophagus I'll still die soon.
SHYLA: Yep, bummer.

I need to dial back on the bummers.

SHYLA: Hi. What's your name?
DANIEL: Daniel Jackson.
SHYLA: Great. Use this sarcophagus to heal your wounds.
DANIEL: Are you sure?
SHYLA: We need to advance the plot. Get in.
DANIEL: OK.

Should've changed the punchline to something like "Are you sure this won't make me crazy?" "I've used it tons of times and I'm the picture of mental health, right?" "That's debatable, but you're hot so okay."

DANIEL: Let my friends go.
SHYLA: I would, but I need to keep them as hostages so I can seduce you.
DANIEL: OK.
SHYLA: By the way, you're my destiny.
DANIEL: Works for me.

I wonder why I didn't make a Captain Kirk joke anywhere in this fiver. For that matter "you're my destiny" just invites a Back to the Future joke, right?

DANIEL: Hi guys. I'd let you go, but I need more time to be seduced by the princess.
O'NEILL: Hey!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

O'Neill should've said "I thought that was my job!"

PYRUS: I killed the Goa'uld 700 years ago.
DANIEL: Kudos to your plastic surgeon.
PYRUS: We keep sending naquadah through the Stargate so they won't reconquer us.
DANIEL: Boy, a plan like that is sure to blow up in your face someday.
PYRUS: Leave now!
DANIEL: Boy, is he touchy.

"Kudos" is a word I use as often as I can, which isn't very often.

SHYLA: We'll convince him to release your friends.
DANIEL: Sounds like plan to me. Wait a sec, aren't you keeping them around so you can seduce me?
SHYLA: That was the general plan.
DANIEL: Well, it worked. You can let my friends go, I'll stay here with you.
SHYLA: Time for another nap in the sarcophagus.
DANIEL: Sure.

That was a weak punchline, should've thrown in a milk and cookies joke, or maybe a teddy bear joke.

DANIEL (over radio): Hi General Hammond. Having a great time. Don't send any troops here or anything.
HAMMOND: I wonder what that was about?

This is okay, I guess.

DANIEL: I'm going to marry Shyla. Oh, and I'm addicted to the sarcophagus too.
O'NEILL: Why does that not sound good?
CARTER: Jolinar told me that the sarcophagus will steal your soul.
O'NEILL: Jolinar again? That plot device is getting old.
CARTER: If I didn't use it the nitpickers would be asking why I don't.
O'NEILL: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

For all of the continuity Stargate SG-1 keeps track of, there are also things that they forgot to follow up on. But as Alton Brown would say, that's another thread.

DANIEL: I'm going home with my friends now, but I'll be back.
SHYLA: I know you'll be back.

Sorry, but no Terminator joke. I haven't watched any of those movies.

DANIEL: Ack!
FRAISER: He's going through sarcophagus withdrawl.
O'NEILL: Serves him right for leaving us to rot in a mine while he had a fling.
FRAISER: But he's dying!
O'NEILL: Serves him right--
FRAISER: Be quiet!

Should've had "my contract says that I get to make out with the alien princesses" in there somewhere.

FRAISER: He's not dying after all.
O'NEILL: Yipee.

DANIEL: I'm alright now. Why don't we go back to that planet now?
O'NEILL: Are you sure?
CARTER: We need the naquadah.
O'NEILL: Oh, fine.

SHYLA: You're back!
DANIEL: Yes, but I'm not staying.
SHYLA: Bummer.
DANIEL: You need to destroy the sarcophagus now.
SHYLA: OK.

Zzzzzz......

Nate the Great

09-27-2017, 04:35 PM

There are twelve more of these things, but I guess nobody's interested...

NAHTMMM

09-29-2017, 01:00 AM

DANIEL: She's going to jump!
CARTER: Who?
DANIEL: That woman there on the edge of the cliff.
CARTER: So now we can see them? Stop confusing me.
O'NEILL: Calm down.
DANIEL: My turn to be the hero, right?
O'NEILL: Let me check the schedule. Okay.... hmmm... yep, your episode.
DANIEL: Good. I'll go rescue her.

I do like the schedule gag.
Me too.

SHYLA: This is my dad, Pyrus the God Slayer.
O'NEILL: What a great name. Do you put that on your income tax returns? Occupation: God Slayer.
PYRUS: Silence! Off the naquadah mine with you!
O'NEILL: Bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I do like the occupation gag, whether for tax returns or business cards.
Agreed, it's a good one.

"Kudos" is a word I use as often as I can, which isn't very often.
It's a good word.

Nate the Great

09-29-2017, 01:59 PM

Entry Five: "The Tok'ra Part One (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/tokra1_2.htm)"

CARTER: I just had a freaky dream. It must be the remnant of Jolinar. He was going to a new planet with some Tok'ra.
TEAL'C: The Tok'ra could be useful allies.
O'NEILL: Cool. Let's go.

Zzzz.....

CARTER: Hi Dad. I know you're dying of cancer but I have to go off on this mission.
JACOB: Where?
CARTER: Sorry, that's classified. Ciao!

Should've dialed back on the apathy, there must be a better yet still funny way to say that.

O'NEILL: I wonder where the Tok'ra are.
TEAL'C: Legend says that they live underground.
(The Tok'ra pop up)
CORDESH: Hi. We're the Tok'ra. Let's point our guns at each other to create tension.
O'NEILL: Cool.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Nevist alert! Who cares about Tok'ra legends or the fact that they live underground? Do I use Teal'c's "Indeed" as the punchline of a scene too much?

HAMMOND: Jacob is dying. Guess I'd better go tell him Carter is gone.

Pointless scene, ugh.

CARTER: Hey, it's Martouf! Hi!
MARTOUF: How do you know me?
CARTER: I have the memories of Jolinar.
MARTOUF: Cool.

Should've invented a Martouf-specific word to use instead of "cool." He was something of an awkward geek, so...impressive? Awesome?

JACOB: Where is she?
HAMMOND: That's classified.
JACOB: Drat.

There had to be a way to make this funny. "I can't tell you for another ten minutes of screentime"? "The script says it's too soon to tell you?"

GARSHAW: I'm the Tok'ra in charge here.
O'NEILL: Great. We'd like to form an alliance with you.
GARSHAW: You are too primitive. Request denied.

Should've spun off the "too primitive" thing into a joke. "You're so primitive you still think professional wrestling/cup stacking/etc. is a real sport."

NURSE: Jacob's dying. If you can reach Carter, you'd better do it.
HAMMOND: Even though I've lost contact with SG-1 I'll send SG-3 into possible danger to get Carter.

Ugh, should've restructured the whole fiver so I didn't have to say "Jacob's dying" so much.

YOSUF: This is Selmak. She's dying. If you want to ally with us one of you must become her new host.
TEAL'C: I'm at capacity, sorry.
O'NEILL: I pass.
DANIEL: Sorry.
CARTER: I've already held my Goa'uld for the year.
MARTOUF: I have to take Carter outside to talk about Jolinar.
CARTER: OK.

"At capacity"? The joke is "My tank is already topped off", Nate!

MARTOUF: Jolinar and I were lovers.
CARTER: Okay......
MARTOUF: And coincidently, her former host looked like you.
CARTER: Who would've guessed?

Hey look, I didn't use spellchecker again!

CORDESH: Hey, lookie at my mysterious crystal ball! Trust me, I'll explain in part two.

This joke needs expansion.

MAKEPEACE: Hi. Hammond sent us to get Carter because her dad is dying.
CARTER: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GARSHAW: Since you won't become Selmak's new host, I'm afraid we're going to have to keep you here until we move on.
O'NEILL: Why?
GARSHAW: Because you might blab about which planet we're on. Cue the ominous music.

"Drat" isn't strong enough, but I can't think of a replacement.

Nate the Great

10-03-2017, 09:59 PM

Entry Six: "The Tok'ra Part Two (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/tokra2_2.htm)"

GARSHAW: Just to recap last week and tell you guys what you already know, you can't ally with us unless one of you becomes Selmak's new host.
O'NEILL: We read the script.
GARSHAW: Well the audience didn't.

I hate how often I used that joke in my early fivers.

CARTER: Wait a minute! Can symbiotes cure cancer?
GARSHAW: Sure.
CARTER: I may have a host for you. My dad is dying.
O'NEILL: I'm sure the audience had that figured out last week.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
GARSHAW: Two of you can go get him, but we're keeping the others to make you come back.'

Is there a joke here, besides "Indeed"?

HAMMOND: Are you kidding me?
CARTER: This is the only way to save my dad's life.
O'NEILL: I'll fill in for Teal'c and say 'indeed.'

Hammond's line could stand some expansion.

MARTOUF: The Goa'uld are coming!
GARSHAW: Drat. Start the evacuation.

No Paul Revere joke?

CARTER: I need to tell you what I've been doing.
JACOB: I thought that was classified.
HAMMOND: You just got clearance.
JACOB: Lucky me. So what are you doing?
CARTER: I walk through this huge stone ring and go to alien worlds.
JACOB: Yeah, right.
CARTER: It's true. We may have a cure for you.
JACOB: What cure?
HAMMOND: That's a long story. I'll tell you offscreen since we only have
five minutes to tell this story.
JACOB: OK.

If I was writing this today I'd reference the "lyrics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3Q-NdRtn1o)" to the theme song:
Stargate! It's a great big world!
With a great big swirl and you step inside to another world!
We're talking Stargate! It's a crazy trip!
You can go quite far and you don't need a car or even a ship!
There's Colonel O'Neill and Carter and Daniel and Teal'c!
Look out for that G-G-G-G-G-Goa'uld!

O'NEILL: What's going on?
MAKEPEACE: The Goa'uld will be here any minute. We're helping the Tok'ra evacuate.

Zzzz.....

MARTOUF: Hi Dad. I'm in love with your daughter.
JACOB: Huh?
CARTER: That's not till next season.
MARTOUF: Oh, forget I said that.

Call Forward (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CallForward) jokes are fun to write.

TEAL'C: We don't know how the Goa'uld found us.
O'NEILL: Oh, did I forget to mention I saw Cordesh with one of those
videophone balls last week?
DANIEL: Yes.
O'NEILL: Sorry, must have slipped my mind.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

I feel there must've been more I could've done riffing on the videophone ball.

SELMAK: Hi Jacob. A quick question before I take over your body.
JACOB: Shoot.
SELMAK: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
JACOB: African or European?
SELMAK: I like you. Let's kiss.
JACOB: OK.

Should've tried to fit more Holy Grail jokes elsewhere in the fiver.

CORDESH: Look at me kill my host so you'll think I'm dead.
O'NEILL: OK.

Should've worded that better; should've included a joke.

MARTOUF: We can't move him until Selmak has healed his cancer.
CARTER: Drat. And the Tok'ra are destroying this place too.
MARTOUF: I'm going to stay until he awakes.
CARTER: Me too.
DANIEL: Can I state for the record that I think this is a bad idea?
CARTER: No.
JACOB: Ouch. What a headache.
MARTOUF: We need to go.

If Jacob was going to wake up in the same scene, either I needed to pad out this scene, make it two scenes, or just ignore the "who's staying" part to make another joke.

JACOB: Hi. I'll be the new liason between the Tok'ra and Earth.
HAMMOND: Good.
DANIEL: Push this box through the Stargate if you need to contact us.
JACOB: Don't call us, we'll call you.
CARTER: Bye Dad.

Hey, another spelling error! I do feel that the whole "message box" thing should've been either used more often or not at all; it's a plot hole waiting to happen. The final line needed to be an actual punchline, too.

Nate the Great

12-03-2017, 06:02 PM

Entry Seven: "Holiday (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/holiday2.htm)"

O'NEILL: Look at all this stuff.
CARTER: Cool! A palm pilot! I've always wanted one of these!
MACHELLO: Hi. I'm Machello.
DANIEL: Hi. I'm Daniel Jackson.
MACHELLO: No, I'm Daniel Jackson. I made these gadgets to fight the Go'auld. Please hold those handles.
(Zap! Daniel in Machello collapses)
MACH/DAN: Weird.
O'NEILL: Teal'c, grab the old guy. Let's go.

Oh man, Palm Pilots. Twenty years ago they were the cool gadget on the block. How times change. Today that'd probably be an Android or something.

CARTER: I can't figure out how to use this palm pilot.
HAMMOND: Bummer. How do you feel, Dr. Jackson?
MACH/DAN: A little tired.
HAMMOND: Take a day off.

I was really on a "bummer" kick at that point in my fiving career. Reading a bunch of these at once really does make the lameness of that joke stand out.

DAN/MACH: I'm Daniel Jackson in Machello's body.
FRAISER: Weird.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
O'NEILL: Let's go get that body-swapping gizmo.

I like the word "gizmo". What a shock.

MACH/DAN: Hi, I'm Machello.
FRED: Hi, I'm Fred. Let's go have some lunch, on you.
MACH/DAN: Sure.

I'm trying to think what nationality someone would think the name "Machello" is if you didn't know ti was alien. Mediterranean or something? Incidentally, why didn't I make a JELLO joke in this fiver?

O'NEILL: Lift on three. One...Two...
(Zap!)
JACK/TEAL'C: Nuts.
TEAL'C/JACK: Indeed.

Today I would've used something else instead of "nuts". Drat or phooey, most likely.

WAITRESS: You need a credit card to eat here.
MACH/DAN: Will one of these do?
WAITRESS: Sure, but I don't plan to return it.
MACH/DAN: OK, kiss me.
WAITRESS: In your dreams.

Could Machello forge Daniel's signature? For that matter, would he know how to work a ballpoint pen?

JACK/TEAL'C: I don't feel so hot.
TEAL'C/JACK: You're sick. You need to meditate so the worm can heal you.
JACK/TEAL'C: Why?
TEAL'C/JACK: Who knows? I guess the writers needed to fill up time. By the way, I'm going to shave your head.
JACK/TEAL'C: Over your dead body.
TEAL'C/JACK: If you don't meditate that can be arranged.
JACK/TEAL'C: Drat.

This scene could be trimmed a bit, but that last joke is good.

HAMMOND: Someone used Dr. Jackson's credit card. I've sent a team to get him. I'm just saying this to bridge these two scenes.

I really don't like single-speaker scenes unless it's a Captain's Log. I should've put more thought into this.

COP: Hands up!
MACH/DAN: Drat.

In fact, I could've just had Hammond mention the arrest and saved a scene.

HAMMOND: Switch everyone back.
MACH/DAN: No.
HAMMOND: OK, lock him up.

Ugh. This scene should've been chucked.

MACH/DAN: If you let out I'll show you how to use my palm pilot.
CARTER: No, the plot demands that you have a poignant heart-to-heart talk with Daniel now.

This one needed another draft.

MACH/DAN: I should live so I can protect you from the Go'auld.
DAN/MACH: I should live so I can find my wife.
MACH/DAN: You'll never find your wife.
DAN/MACH: Yes, I will! Ouch!
FRAISER: He's dying. Carter, we only have five minutes. Time to find a last-minute solution.
CARTER: OK.

"Ouch"? Not "Ack"?

CARTER: Time for musical bodies. First Jack and Machello switch.
(Zap!)
CARTER: Now Teal'c and Daniel.
(Zap!)
DAN/JACK: Whoa, I'm not an old man anymore. Cool!
TEAL'C/MACH: (If he weren't in a dying old man's body I'm sure he'd say "Indeed.")
CARTER: Jack and Daniel.
(Zap!)
DANIEL: It's great to be back.
O'NEILL: Indeed. Whoa, Teal'c hangover!
CARTER: Finally, Teal'c and Machello.
MACH/TEAL'C: You'll never find out how to use my palm pilot!
CARTER: Drat.
(Zap!)
MACHELLO: Thanks for the holiday. Now that the title has been explained I can die.

Way too long of a scene. Way too long.

Nate the Great

12-05-2017, 09:19 AM

Entry Eight, "Out of Mind (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/outmind2.htm)"

(O'Neill is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Colonel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.
O'NEILL: This has to be the worst hangover I've ever had.
TROFSKY: Yes. Want to walk around even though you've just been defrosted?
O'NEILL: Sure.

That last couplet was unnecessary, but if it had to be there I should've had a Minnesota joke along the lines of "I'm from Minnesota, that's what I do every spring anyway."

TROFSKY: Look at that team about to go offworld. We have to go before they activate the Stargate.
O'NEILL: Why?
TROFSKY: To make you suspicious. Now it's time for a trip down memory lane.

Ugh. The joke should've been one of those "easily-distracted" gags. Treat O'Neill like a distracted dog, do a Princess Bride "what in the world could that be", etc.

RALEIGH: This gizmo will project your memories holographically.
TROFSKY: We're still fighting the Goa'uld. Do you know of anyone who could help us beat them?
O'NEILL: The Nox, but they are passive. The Asgard blew up a few Goa'uld ships.
TROFSKY: Good.

Zzzz....where's the obvious villain gag? A "the plan is going perfectly, mwhahaha!" or something...

(Daniel is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Daniel. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

(Carter is pulled out of the cryo-tank)
TROFSKY: Hi Captain. You're in the SGC. It is the year 2077. The rest of your team is dead.

Zzzzzz, I needed some variation on these. Trofsky is getting increasingly borerd with each one, he sounds more evil with each one, etc.

TROFSKY: What Goa'uld have you faced?
CARTER: Apophis.

DANIEL: Sokar. Heru-ur. Hathor.

Chuck these, they're a classic example of the nevist fallacy of trying to squeeze every plot point into a fiver.

FRAISER: Hi Teal'c. We can't find the rest of your team. Where are they?
TEAL'C: I do not know.
HAMMOND: Indeed.
TEAL'C: Hey, that's my line!

Today I would've thrown in a "you owe me twenty bucks in royalties" gag or something.

TEAL'C: I will go back and search for them.
HAMMOND: No, you will not.
TEAL'C: I'll resign then. I'm leaving.
HAMMOND: Fine.

Does Teal'c use contractions or not in these fivers? Where's the consistency?

O'NEILL: I just knocked out a guard and escaped! Who's the man! Oh, look, a Serpent Guard! This whole place is a crock!

"Crock?" Where'd that come from?

O'NEILL: Wake up, Captain.
CARTER: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: Likewise. Why don't you put on that guard's clothes instead of
that sheet.
CARTER: Don't you like it?
O'NEILL: Ummm...

This wasn't the place for shipping. Should've spun this into a toga/Greek joke or something. Maybe have Carter cosplay as the Muse of Technobabble or something...

O'NEILL: Hey, Daniel. Wake up!
DANIEL: I thought you were dead.
O'NEILL: We've already done that scene. By the way, the whole place is a fake.

Mixing and matching straight plot recaps with abridging metahumor needs more finesse than this to work.

HATHOR: Hi. I've kidnapped you to find out about the current events so I can conquer the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Good for you.
HATHOR: How do I find the Asgard?
O'NEILL: Bite me.
HATHOR: How do I open the iris?
CARTER: Like I'm going to tell you.
HATHOR: Fine. Here's a worm. Who should I put it into?

TO BE CONTINUED

"The" current events?

Nate the Great

12-25-2017, 03:32 AM

Entry Nine, "Into the Fire (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/intofire2.htm)"

MAKEPEACE: SG-1 has been taken prisoner by Hathor. There's a Tok'ra spy inside her fake SGC.
HAMMOND: I'm sending all the teams we have to rescue them.
DAVIS: I think not.
HAMMOND: I think so.

Yikes, could that have been written better. A villain speech for Davis or something.

HATHOR: So which of you will become the new host?
SG-1: Umm....er....
HATHOR: Enough! O'Neill will become the new host.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.

No rock, paper, scissors joke? This is years before Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock, but even the vanilla game has punchline potential.

TEAL'C: Hi Bra'tac.
BRA'TAC: Hi Teal'c. The people are in a panic for fear that Klorel will return to reenslave them.
TEAL'C: That's a problem for a future episode. This time I need to raise an army to help my friends.
BRA'TAC: Oh goody.

Should've used something more formal than "Hi" for the Jaffa. Bra'tac needed a better punchline, too.

HATHOR: Say hello to your new bodymate.
O'NEILL: Do I have to? Ouch!
RAULLY: The cryo-tank will destroy the Goa'uld.
O'NEILL: Kinda figured that. Now only am I a main character, I'm the main character.
RAULLY: I really wish we weren't allied with you.

For that matter, I should've rewritten this whole thing from scratch, it's not very good. Raully needed a stronger punchline, amongst other deficiencies.

MAKEPEACE: Hi Captain. Where's Jack?
CARTER: He's a new host.
MAKEPEACE: Drat. Oh well, guess we'd better abandon him and run for our lives.
CARTER: Works for me. Maybe I'll finally take over SG-1 now.
MAKEPEACE: We've lost contact with the team that's guarding the Gate!
CARTER: Drat.
DANIEL: Since Teal'c isn't here I'll say 'Indeed' for him.

"He's a new host"? That's bad grammar. "He's the newest Goa'uld host" or "He's hosting an unwelcome guest" or similar.

MAKEPEACE: Oh, goody, an energy barrier.
CARTER: Think we could dig under it?
MAKEPEACE: Nope.
CARTER: Then I guess we need to find some Tok'ra tunnels that lead back inside.
MAKEPEACE: Here it is! How did you know that?
CARTER: I read the script.

I do resort to the "read the script" joke too often...

HAMMOND: I'm going to send them reenforcements.
DAVIS: I think not. And this time the president thinks not, too.
HAMMOND: Drat.

Really should've made Davis more of a bad guy, thrown in some maniacal laughter.

CARTER: I'm going to go blow up the shield generator!

And? So? But? Therefore? Single-line scenes are to be avoided when possible.

TEAL'C: The Goa'uld are not gods. Now that I've futilely tried to destroy your religion, who wants to be in my army?
CROWD: Not me. See ya!
HAMMOND: I'll be in your army.
TEAL'C: What are you doing here?
HAMMOND: That's a long story best told offscreen.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This scene doesn't need to exist, cut it to make room for more jokes elsewhere.

CARTER: Hi Jack. The Goa'uld's dead.
O'NEILL: Great.
HATHOR: I will destroy you!
O'NEILL: I think not. (He tips her into the cryo-tank) Now that's a serious case of freezer burn.
CARTER: You had to say it, didn't you?
O'NEILL: They didn't let me in the original episode.
CARTER: Whatever. Let's go.

That's better.

BRA'TAC: Look at this ancient glider that's just small enough to fit through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Are you sure?
BRA'TAC: Yes.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

This one needs more fleshing out.

CARTER: There's the shield generator. And it's right behind the fake Stargate!
O'NEILL: OK, who didn't see that coming? Let's set up the explosive and go.

Zzzzz......

O'NEILL: Before you guys start killing each other, I think you should know I killed Hathor.
TROFSKY: Yeah, right.
O'NEILL: Hey, look at that big glider! We're saved!
HAMMOND: Hi.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Since Hammond is from Texas, I should've had him use "Howdy" whenever possible.

Nate the Great

01-11-2018, 11:14 PM

Entry Ten, "Seth (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/seth2.htm)"

JACOB: Hi guys. Ready for another mission that will take up an hour of screen time?
SG-1: Sure!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzz....

JACOB: The Tok'ra have been trying to keep track of all of the Goa'uld but we can't find Seth.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
JACOB: We think he's still on Earth.
O'NEILL: Double bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz....wha-did something interesting happen? No? Okay-zzz......

DANIEL: By accessing classified files that I don't have access to I have located Seth's latest cult.
O'NEILL: Good for you. Let's go.

Needs more fleshing out. I couldn't have put in a Mission Impossible joke or something?

JASON: Hi. My kid's in Seth's cult. Want to hear my sob story?
O'NEILL: Maybe later.
JASON: You gonna save my Tommy?
O'NEILL: I'll think about it. Now go away.

Ugh. Could've written this one better.

HAMNER: Hi. I'm the annoying ATF guy who does know what you're doing but still blindly follows. After exchanging a bit of pseudo-threatening banter with O'Neill, of course.
O'NEILL: Whatever. Mind if I call the President?
HAMNER: Why not?

The ATF is the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms. They're mentioned in the episode, but for fiver purposes I could've turned him into a generic cop or federal agent.

JACOB: Seth has this gas that can brainwash you and make you his slaves.
O'NEILL: Oh goody.
JACOB: The only way to cure it is by shocking the victim.
CARTER: Like with a zat gun.
JACOB: Teal'c and I are immune.
CARTER: Too bad Seth can detect your Goa'ulds.
JACOB: Yeah, bummer.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

HAMNER: The President says I can trust you.
O'NEILL: I'm thrilled for you.

Bad punchline. Should've thrown in a "now dance for me! Dance!" joke or something...

CARTER: These gizmos will shock you after Seth has gassed you.
O'NEILL: Great. By the way, what will he do to us?
DANIEL: Well, Carter will be sent to his harem and we'll be posted as guards. Unless he makes us eunuchs.
O'NEILL: Umm...I pick door number one, Pat!

Ugh. Pat is Wheel of Fortune, should've said Monty...

SETH: You will be my slaves! Here's some brainwashing gas.
O'NEILL: I had gas for lunch. Maybe if you had a nice...Ack!

Nice...what? I forget. Should've had Seth do a time zone difference joke like "for me it's already tomorrow, so eat!"

SETH: You are all my guards. Repeat after me. 'Seth is great.'
ALL: Seth is great.
SETH: I didn't say Simon Says. Now you will be my eunuchs!

If I was going to bring up the eunuch thing this many times, I should've thrown in a few more variations on the joke.

JACOB: Shock them!
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Zzzzz.....

O'NEILL: Ouch! Hi Seth. We're here to free your slaves.
SETH: Yeah, right. Take them away!

I use "yeah, right" too much...

(O'Neill zats Tommy)
DANIEL: Tommy, right?
TOMMY: Yeah...do I know you?
O'NEILL: That doesn't matter. You need to get these people out of here.
TOMMY: OK.

Why didn't I have Jack say "Tommy...I know your father" or something....

SETH: Eat bomb!
O'NEILL: I had bomb--
SETH: You already did that joke!
O'NEILL: Oh, never mind.

This one's okay.

SETH: Tok'ra scum!
JACOB: Oh shut up.
CARTER: Time to die!
SETH: Why?
CARTER: Our hour's up.
SETH: Drat.

A character dies in a fiver and I don't use Gak? What's up with that?

Nate the Great

01-13-2018, 05:51 PM

Entry Eleven, "Fair Game (http://www.fiveminute.net/stargate/eps/fairgame2.htm)"

HAMMOND: Captain Carter, I now promote you to Major. Where did Jack go?
THOR: Hello, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Hi, Thor. What's up?
THOR: The Goa'uld are planning to attack Earth unless you agree to negotiate with them.
O'NEILL: Well doesn't that sound fun?

There should be a scene break there. Lame punchline, should've had him say "Okay, where are the cameras?" or something.

HAMMOND: Why are the Goa'uld agreeing to this?
TEAL'C: They fear the Asgard.
THOR: By the way, we have chosen O'Neill to represent Earth.
O'NEILL: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Should've turned that last line into a running gag, ending with someone snapping "for the hundredth time, YES!"

DANIEL: These are the three Go'auld: Cronus, Yu, and Nirrti.
O'NEILL: No boring bios?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes to tell this story.
O'NEILL: Oh.

No, good/bad/ugly joke?

HAMMOND: We have to lock up all of our weapons.
TEAL'C: I will not.
HAMMOND: That's an order.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Skip this scene to make room for something else!

CRONUS: I will not be spied upon!
DANIEL: OK, we'll take down the cameras in your rooms if you let us keep the ones in the halls.
HAMMOND: Why did you do that.
DANIEL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

This is okay, I guess, but that punchline could've been a bit more refined.

TEAL'C: By the way, Cronus killed my father.
DANIEL: Why are you telling me this?
TEAL'C: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Should've refined the foreshadowing running gag a bit more.

THOR: O'Neill, if the negotiation fails the Asgard can't protect you.
O'NEILL: Why?
THOR: We're fighting a far worse enemy. And before you ask, the answer is foreshadowing.

See what I mean?

YU: We won't attack Earth if you give up your Stargate. Both of them.
O'NEILL: We have two?
CARTER: Yes. Remember "Solitudes?"
O'NEILL: Right.

Should've referenced the events of "Solitudes" for O'Neill's punchline. Or maybe had it been "Not really, we Minnesotans tend to block out memories of being trapped in glaciers" or something.

HAMMOND: The President has agreed to give up our Stargate.
FRAISER: Someone attacked Cronus! Teal'c was with him.
HAMMOND: I knew something would happen. We've still got half an hour to fill!

I fall back on the "we're not close enough to the end of the episode for the plot to be resolved yet" gag too much.

YU: You attacked us! The Goa'uld will destroy you!
DANIEL: Now you see why we gave up the cameras? It adds mystery!

"Darn, if only we hadn't turned off the cameras!" And an "Indeed" from Teal'c.

TEAL'C: I did not attack him. Some invisible force did.

Single-line scenes are frowned upon. At the very least have whoever he's talking to say "Indeed"!

CARTER: Now I get to be the hero and heal Cronus with this funky Go'auld healing device!
CRONUS: The Go'auld will destroy you!
CARTER: Do you promise not to if we prove who attacked you?
CRONUS: Sure, I'm a reasonable tyrant.

I like the oblivious hypocrite joke, but I could've tweaked this a bit.

O'NEILL: You lied to us. Nirrti used a personal cloaking device to attack Cronus.
YU: Why didn't you give this device to the Goa'uld?
NIRRTI: I had to advance the plot. Now it's time to cloak and make my escape.
CARTER: Not so fast! I have an anti-cloak gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!

An "I got bored" would've been better than "I had to advance the plot."

CRONUS: You can keep your Stargate. But if you meet us again, we will show no mercy.
O'NEILL: I know. We don't have the budget to get a new villian yet. Maybe next season.
DANIEL: Huh?
O'NEILL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Another typo, ugh.

Nate the Great

01-18-2018, 12:31 AM

Let's take a short detour to cover my first fiver ever...

Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time (http://www.fiveminute.net/zelda/ocarinaoftime.html)

Deku Tree: Link, I'm dying. You need to go inside me and destroy the curse.
Link: How fun!

A bad way to start a fiver. Who are these people, where are we, what's going on? I should've abridged the Deku Tree's initial monologue, perhaps turning it into a "Deku Tree's Log".

Deku Tree: Thanks for killing Gohma, but I'm still dying. Take the Kokiri Emerald and go see Zelda.

Single line scenes are a no-no. Where's the joke?

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.

I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.

Kaebora Gaebora: Hi, I'm the annoying owl who will tell you stuff you already know and basically test your patience.
Link: Aiming shingshot....
Kaebora Gaebora: Hey!

Always hated that owl. I understand why the exposition is needed, but he talks too much and keeps swapping his "yes" and "no" options so odds are you'll accidentally repeat a speech at least once. Grrrr....

Zelda: How did you get past all of the guards?
Link: Wasn't that hard. They move around in pretty predictable rectangles.
Zelda: Oh. You see that guy in there? He is Ganondorf, King of Thieves.
Link: So he's the bad guy?
Zelda: Yep. You need to get the other two spiritual stones so we can protect the Triforce.
Link: Sure. By the way, is that Mario in the window?
Zelda: Of course not! Hyrule doesn't have any video games!
Link: So who is that?
Zelda: Umm...that's my...you should go now!

Could've cut this scene in half easily, covering Ganondorf and the particulars of Zelda's plan, along with the Mario joke. And where's Impa?

Malon: Hi Link! When you grow up you can have Epona! By the way, I'm another female character, so of course, I need to flirt with you.
Link: Sounds good to me. Hey, didn't I marry you in a previous game?
Malon: Shhhh! This is the first game chronologically, remember?
Link: Oh, right, sorry.

I messed up the Malon/Marin from Link's Awakening (https://zelda.gamepedia.com/Marin) reference. I've never played that game (although I do own it for some reason, maybe I should get around to it one of these years) and was operating on mistaken information. It seems that the furthest Marin and Link's relationship was an aborted declaration of love (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AbortedDeclarationOfLove). And yes, I am aware of the fan theory that the Twilight Princess version of Link is a descendant of these two.

Darunia: Here's the Goron Ruby. Want a big hug?
Link: Maybe later.

I do hope that my Master Quest fiver sees the light of day one of these years, these side characters are so much fun.

Ruto: Here's the Zora Sapphire. By the way, we're engaged.
Link: Lucky me.

That bit of snark could've been better. "Yippee" or something. Or maybe a reference to a fish raffle or something...

Zelda: Here's the Ocarina of Time! Gotta go now!
Ganondorf: Where's Zelda?
Link: Bite me!
Ganondorf: Very cute.

"Bite me" was wrong, should've gone with "you'll have to go through me", maybe thrown in a speed bump joke.

Navi: It's the Master Sword!
Ganondorf: Ha ha! You led me right into the Spiritual Realm!
Link: Bummer.

"Spiritual Realm"? You do mean "Sacred Realm", right Past Nate?

Rauru: It's been seven years. Even though it's your fault Ganondorf took over the world, we still want you to save it. Now you get to collect Medallions!
Link: Lucky me.
Rauru: I'm one of the six Sages. Here's the Light Medallion.

What, no "Sacred Stones are so last year, everyone's into Medallions now" joke?

Shiek: I'm going to teach you a song to warp to every Temple.
Link: Who are you?
Shiek: I'll tell you later.

Zzzz....

Shiek: You have all of the Medallions. You, me, and Ganondorf each have one part of the Triforce. By the way, I'm really Zelda in disguise!
Ganondorf: Now I've got you!
Zelda: Drat.
Link: Bummer.

The biggest problem with adapting Ocarina of Time into fiver form is that there are so many major plot events that you have to skip some to make a fiver of reasonable length. Even so, I could've squeezed in a line about where Link went, along with some sort of "collect them all" punchline about the Medallions.

Rauru: Here's a rainbow bridge to get to Ganon's castle.
Navi: Ohhh, pretty!

Zzzzzz.....Should've skipped this to adapt a more important scene elsewhere.

Link: Eat Light Arrow!
Ganondorf: Ack!
Zelda: Now we need to get down before the tower collapses!
Link: This is not my day.

Could've expanded this a bit, made reference to the flaming boulders falling from the ceiling and the bars that Zelda has to open. Oh, and where's the "no thanks, I had Light Arrow for lunch" joke?

Ganon: Now you die!
Link: I think not. Eat supercharged Master Sword!
Ganon: Ack!
Zelda: Time to seal him away. Now you can go home, to your original time.
Link: Umm, can we talk about....

No "Gak"? I'm ashamed of myself. And where's the punchline about time paradoxes or at least having to grow up again?

NAHTMMM

01-19-2018, 12:46 PM

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.

I do like "bummer" as a punchline, but this needed refinement.
Eh, just have Link ask "Ooh, is that the Ocarina of Time?" to indicate his excitement.

Nate the Great

01-19-2018, 02:52 PM

Well, I've still got the Master Quest fiver draft kicking around somewhere, I probably refined the joke somewhat...

NAHTMMM

05-06-2018, 08:21 PM

Turns of Events (http://fiveminute.net/excelsior/fiver.php?ep=turnsofevents)

Five-Minute "Turns of Events," by NAHTMMM, is brought to you by Jafar's Executive College. Our graduates are consistently described by their superiors as "trustworthy" and "indispensable" right up until they seize control of the entire organization! Jafar's Executive College: Where the power goes straight to your head!
If I’d known I’d be named as the author anyway, I’d have deleted my self-attribution here. I wrote it partly because I thought it paired with the sponsorship. I guess I had some idea of it serving in place of a radio station’s call letters or the corporation producing the show? Anyway, this bit was supposed to have sort of an old-timey serial feel and I don't know if it worked out in that regard. I still like calling out the "evil vizier" trope.

Amara: (over the comm) I've got five in the brig, sir.
Dovan: Good work. I'll come down soon to interrogate those rascally reptiles.
Amara: Wait, you wanted me to arrest the intruders?
I wrote the bulk of these as I listened through each episode the first time, and this was meant to serve as a jumping-off point for an Amara who was either incompetent or omnidirectionally violent. As it turned out, I never got the opportunity for either, but this bit did wind up sort of echoing Amara's frustration from Zeke's take on the prior episode.

Dovan: On a scale from "blindfold" to "Hubble Space Telescope", how technologically advanced are the Valandrians?
Adow: Picture a cheap pair of sunglasses with cute little stickers all over the lenses.
Dovan: So they won't notice if I sneak back into orbit on a stealthed flyer?
Adow: You personally would have no chance, sir. Even their sarcasm detectors could hear you from a light-year away.
I giggled quite a bit over the first two lines. I think I was trying for a slightly more formal voice with Adow, hence the verbosity in the last line. It didn't stick.

Lorhrok: Mister Hologram, you are under arrest for violating the Prime Directive.
Ensign Hunter: You have no right to do that! What if someone had taken the Babel fish away from your planet centuries ago?
Lorhrok: Huh?
Cortez: Or what if the Vulcans had removed the Monolith from Earth's moon before humans uncovered it?
Lorhrok: Are you just making things up?
Ensign Hunter: Or what if Christopher Columbus had convinced Goloca that the Yulus were too ugly to save?
Lorhrok: I'm leaving.
There was a Hitchhikers reference in the source material (the Great Prophet Zarquon), so I ran with it and kept going. Are they picking on Lorhrok, or did it all really happen in this universe? Whichever you think is funnier.

Oracle: You're in charge of the Excelsior? Man, this timeline is screwed up.
Cortez: I'm leaving.
Short and snappy after the last few scenes.

Now we're going to flash back to two years ago. Look at the pretty palace!
Betra-Na: Premier! Are you plotting what I'm plotting?
Sarka-Gee: I think so, Matriarch, but after we hijack the Excelsior, build a massive fleet, and annihilate the entire Federation, how will we get our daily "Jerry Springer" fix?
Betra-Na: ...Actually, I was just plotting to make a cup of coffee.
Sarga-Gee: Oh.
Betra-Na: Do you want some?
Sarga-Gee: No.
Pretty sure the coffee and lines afterward were Wowbagger's contributions. They really fill out the scene beautifully. Jerry Springer was kind of a random thing, but I was trying to channel Pinky without actually copying him, and Jerry Springer was the sort of thing he'd reference when he wasn't wondering what the point would be of switching Britney Spears's and Christina Aguilera's brains. The recording has Sarka-Gee instead wondering if prisoners have to be dead before she can drink wine from their skulls, which is certainly funnier.

Cortez: The minerals in these mountains have kept you from calling for rescue for six hundred years?
Oracle: Mountains do have a habit of sticking around for long periods of time, Captain.
That was my reaction to Cortez’s reaction.
Cortez: But what gives you the right to treat the Valandrians like pawns in some planetary game?
Oracle: After Crayak took the Kingdom of Hallona, I had little choice but to become the Oracle of Geldar.
Cortez: You just made another obscure-but-apt sci-fi reference, didn't you?
Oracle: Two, actually.
Both of them courtesy of Wowbagger. I don’t know either context (I think one's old-school Doctor Who) but it scans well to me.

Lorhrok: We have armed Valandrians incoming! Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.
Betra-Na: Relax. These people are loyal to me. They won't kill you until I tell them to.
Sorid-Gee: Actually, they're loyal to me.
Betra-Na: Good thing there's a Klingon armory in this wreck.
"They won't kill you at all" versus ". . . unless I say so" versus ". . . until I say so". Also, random Klingon armory.

Amara: I've been meaning to ask you, Lt. Rol, what is with those dreams of yours?
Rol: My dreams? You mean the ones about the Yorktown disast--
Amara: Quiet, Rol, before you spoil the next three seasons of cryptic secrecy!
I had no idea about what happened past the third episode, so you can guess who wrote the last two lines. Whatever I had there instead was lame, I remember that.

Betra-Na: I should have known Sorid-Gee would betray me.
Cortez: Yes, she did seem to take her dying sister seriously in that flashback.
Betra-Na: Well, that was one hint. But her Master's degree from Jafar's Executive College really should have tipped me off.
Payoff from the intro.

Rol: Well, now that you know about the dreams, I have to kill you.
Rol's voice actor has a great delivery of this line. Just saying.
Amara: Too late! Talaxian Brain Scuzz! GAK!
Rol: Wow! A major character just got killed off! I'll bet the writers won't do that again for a long time.
Narrator: Not for the rest of the season, anyway.
James Heaney: Well, the rest of this episode.
Narrator: At least the rest of this scene.
Go ahead, shout “Talaxian Brain Scuzz!” It’s fun! And the last four lines are Wowbagger again.

Dovan: Call me Ishmael. Some years ago -- never mind how long precisely -- having little or no money in my purse...
Sharp: If you're that convinced of the futility of this mission, why did you order it?
Dovan: I didn't think I'd have to come along on it!
I pictured Dovan sullenly muttering his way through Moby Dick until someone finally called him on it.

Rol: Sneaking down to the planet to rescue the away team is a lot less fun than I thought it would be.
Dovan: Do you mean to say they're on the planet? Well, gee, thanks for telling me which way to point the flyer!
(BEEP BEEP)
Sharp: We've been spotted! The defense satellites must have detected your outburst, Commander. At least we still have a technological advantage.
(BEEP BEEP)
Rol: All of the ship's systems just failed! We're going to crash!
Dovan: Don't worry, I'll aim for a soft target. Like that horde of Valandrians attacking our away team.
I would have liked to trim Sharp’s line. I could have cut her second sentence, but wasn't confident people would have caught the cause-and-effect.

Sharp: She might be dead, Alex! Here, pump the captain full of drugs and make sure.
Dovan: Make sure of what?
Sharp: That she lives. Or possibly that she dies. I'm not picky.
Dovan: Right. Hey, Lorhrok! Ready to go back to the ship?
Lorhrok: Hang on a minute -- I need to go into this cave and arrest a hologram from the future.
Dovan: Exactly how hard did you hit your head during that fight?
Sharp showing Amara’s enthusiasm for accuracy in the execution of her duties.

Rol: That sure was a thrilling escape from the Valandrians!
Sharp: It's not over yet. More crewmembers have come down with Talaxian Brain Scuzz and the captain is in grave condition. We need to get to a starbase, fast.
Dovan: Wait! Do you realize what this means?
Sharp: That you're going to get the ship destroyed, just like the last three times you took command?
Dovan: Besides that. It means we have to go back.
Lorhrok: Are you serious? The Valandrians tore us apart, and you want us to go back there? For spast's sake, WHY?
Dovan: Because... I forgot to get my mother a souvenir snow globe.
Lorhrok: That almost sounded badass, sir.
In my mind, the first line is a little perverse. There’s a whole tactical dogfight in the actual episode, and instead of showing any of it here, Rol just informs us that it happened and it was awesome! If I wanted the joke to be plainer, I guess I could have ended the previous scene with someone saying, “And now, for a thrilling escape from the Valandrians!” But that would have blunted Dovan’s last line in that scene. Eh. It all works well enough, although in retrospect Dovan's line of reasoning is hard to follow. The last line in the fiver is Wowbagger’s. I wrote the snow globe line not knowing if I would pick it up at all in the following fiver, but trusting bravely that I would not screw everything up completely.

NAHTMMM

05-06-2018, 08:33 PM

Wildfire (http://fiveminute.net/excelsior/fiver.php?ep=wildfire)

Tonight's episode is brought to you by Smokey the Bear, who reminds you: only YOU can prevent wildfire!
A simpler sponsor announcement here, and no self-attribution weighing it down. Good.

[b]Betra-Na: How go the battles on the Vigilance and the planet?
Astrin-Sa: If you rearrange the letters in "Ree", "Gore", and "Trina", you can spell "a greener riot".
Betra-Na: So those fighting are reusing their ammunition? Truly, we have come a long way from our wasteful past.
5MV fans may be dimly reminded of Tuvok’s nutty antics in “Endgame”. Oldbies may remember the thread we had in the old forums where we ran bits of fivers through online translators and back. There’s no causal connection between either of those and this, just maybe a little encouragement for me to feel free to indulge my taste for playing with words. Basically, there were a few short alien words and I wanted to see if they anagrammed anything funny. They did. I expected it to turn into a running gag but it didn't. Which is fine.

Lorhrok: Look at this picture of the Excelsior taken a short time ago.
Dovan: Why is the ship coated in orange?
Lorhrok: It was initially my belief that we must have passed through a cloud of telepathic Cheetos recently. However, since the orangeness has been intensifying, and since Valandria has been appearing to turn orange as well, it seems clear that--
Sharp: That someone is shooting at us with telepathic Cheetos powder, and some of it is hitting the planet?
Lorhrok: I was going to say that our sensors need to be recalibrated, but I suppose your explanation works, too.
In a parody, never trust that the absurd explanation is wrong. At least, not until someone points out just how stupid it is.

Lorhrok: Why did you promote me to First Officer, sir?
Dovan: As an apology for forcing you to work with Kinash Adow.
Scene disposed of in two lines with a burn on someone.

Astrin-Sa: The Excelsior has crept to within two million centors of the Vigilance, Your Excellency!
Betra-Na: Centaurs? What do horse-people have to do with anything?
Astrin-Sa: No, centons!
Betra-Na: Centons? Isn't that a Battlestar Galactica term?
Astrin-Sa: Sssss! Just tell them not to shoot us already!
Running gag has left the starting blocks! I misspelled centons in the first line, but they got it right in the recording anyway. I wouldn't have recognized the BSG connection if not for Derek's BSG fiver.

Dovan: Hi.
Betra-Na: (over the comm) Ewww, you're a boy! Go away. I don't want your space cooties!
Dovan: Well, we don't want your space Cheetos! So what are you going to do about it?
Betra-Na: I've got some millennia-old exposition in the freezer, but it's probably stale by now.
Dovan: I'll take it.
Betra-Na: Very well. I should warn you, it involves my ordering your ship's destruction.
Dovan: On second thought --
Astrin-Sa: (over the comm) I'm waaastiiing! Oh, what a world, what a world...
Betra-Na: Too late.
This and the following block are properly one scene, but I split them up for pacing’s sake.

Dovan: Look, just stop killing us!
Betra-Na: You stop killing us first!
Dovan: You started it!
Betra-Na: No, you started it!
Dovan: All I want is for you to trust a bunch of aliens with your entire civilization. Is that so much to ask?
Betra-Na: Well, you are Starfleet.
Dovan: Exactly, we do this all the time. Thank you for cooperating --
Betra-Na: That was a refusal, Dovan. We are no fools. We have seen what you do in such cases.
Dovan: I told them it was a mistake to show Voyager reruns on Intergalactic UPN, but would anyone listen? Noooo...
On Dovan’s third line: We typically see things from the point of view of our Starfleet heroes, and we take it for granted that they can fix things by the end of the story, or at least escape unscathed, because planetary crises keep happening around them. But imagine events from the other end: these strange, advanced aliens appear in your star system and take it for granted they can solve your problem. Wouldn’t you be skeptical, just out of a healthy sense of caution?

Dovan's "Noooo" isn't necessary in text format, but this was intended for audio, so it went in.

Lorhrok: The Oracle hologram has such a nice personality, we thought we'd try to blend him with the EMH.
Rol: How's it working?
EMH/Oracle: Warning: This program is not licensed for use in this context. Self-destruct will activate in 20... 19... 18... 17... 16... 15...
Rol: Wow. I guess digital rights management gets really nasty in the future.
Again, a “scene break” to give the dialogue room to breathe.

Adow: Listen, hologram, if you don't stop killing yourself I'll kill you and strangle your emitter!
Rol: Now, why did your ship go back in time and crash?
EMH/Oracle: We fired a temporal thingy at the enemy and temporal stuff happened.
Lorhrok: Who was the enemy?
EMH/Oracle: I don't remember.
Adow: Could you return to the future and take Lorhrok and Rol with you?
EMH/Oracle: Certainly.
Lorhrok and Rol: No, wait, don't -- (WHOOSH)
Adow: Woo-hoo, one step closer to ruling Engineering!
Adow has a couple of jokes here that I think we’ve all seen before. To compensate, I turned the first one up to 11 with the dumbest, most directly violent thing I could think of.

Sharp: Captain, the Cheetos disease is caused by a telepathic virus. I mean, a viral telepathy. I mean --
Dovan: Either stop making stuff up or leave me alone!
Sharp: Anyway, I want a Level One Quarantine.
Dovan: Will that help much?
Sharp: Not really. I've just always wanted to own a Level One Quarantine.
Sharp is a simple woman with simple desires.

Betra-Na: Muahahaha!
Sorid-Gee: (over the intercom) Muahahaha!
Betra-Na: What?! Bring it on, punk!
Sorid-Gee: I know you are, but what am I?
Betra-Na: Oh yeah?
Sorid-Gee: Yeah!
Betra-Na: ...Well, talk to you later.
Sorid-Gee: See you soon.
I took the back-and-forth and deliberately condensed it down to cliché evil laughter and clichéd argument, followed by “nice talk, see you later” as if either Valandrian had actually gotten anything out of this exchange. This is either very lazy or worth a grant from the Endowment for the Arts.

Dovan: Great. We need to protect those Marines from the Valandrian defense ships, and Kibyr and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Kibyr: GAK!
Dovan: And Helder and I are all that's left to man the bridge.
Sharp: (over the comm) Helder's dead too, sir.
Dovan: Is there anyone left to help me?
Computer: There's a mysterious janitor down in Engineering.
Yubari: (over the comm) ...Well, sir? Do you want me up there?
Dovan: Don't rush me...
Some computers are more eager to be helpful than others.

Rol: Ugh... where did that hologram take us? Hey, are we back in sickbay? I guess we got off easy.
Future Sharp: It's the future. We're at war. I'm an embittered front-line doctor.
Four of Seven: I'm a Borg with a cutesy nickname.
Lorhrok: And I seem to have changed voice actors.
Lorhrok’s beautiful punchline is courtesy Wowbagger. BTW, this was many computers ago, and the site I used for hosting my first draft is long evaporated, so I’m working entirely off of memory. If Wowbagger has any other lines or refinements he wants to claim as his own, he’s certainly free to speak up. :)

Yubari: Sir, I must protest. There has to be a more efficient way to destroy the ship than this.
Sharp: (over the comm) I'm warning you, there's no way I can protect my patients from your maneuvers --
Dovan: "Snow"? Oh great, I still haven't gotten my mother that snow globe! Lieutenant, you're with me. Transporter chief, beam us both down!
Yubari: Shouldn't you get the ship out of danger first, sir?
Dovan: Good idea. Let me just set the -- (WHOOSH)
Nice first line from Yubari. Sharp’s line should have been rephrased to put the “snow” sound at the end, e.g.: “I’m warning you, I can’t protect my patients from your maneuvers. There’s no way —”. It’s still a weak way to remind Dovan that he needs to return to the planet, but the punchline is good.

Betra-Na: The Vigilance will self-destruct in two yarens.
Sorid-Gee: (through the door) Yarns? Like what you knit with?
Betra-Na: Yarens!
Sorid-Gee: Yars? Didn't an oil slick kill her?
Betra-Na: Sssss! Just die already!
I loved what Zeke did with this running gag for the next episode. "I wish metrons were shorter."

Sorid-Gee: Let's go to the Catacombs.
Brigadier: Is that where Betra-Na is going?
Sorid-Gee: All I know is that it's not where the Vigilance will be exploding.
Brigadier: I'm convinced. Let's go.
I like the way Sorid-Gee thinks.

I gave the fourth episode a very brief shot, but my time and energy were required elsewhere. Zeke did a great job with it anyway.