Five-Minute History of Rome

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]So... I`ve been studying. (Deanna: "About Rome"). And after six straight hours of studying, things in my head went jiggly wiggly, so instead of studying Rome, I inadvertently started spoofing it. The result is this silly, unofficial mini-fiver...

Beware of silly references and inaccurate historical information. If you like it, thank Sa`ar - his sarcastic comments about one bit from Croatian history I told him inspired me for this, :D


Five-Minute History of Rome
----------------------------------------

Romulus: Greetings, villagers. You shall now witness the glorious event of me founding the city of Rome.
Remus: Not if I can help it!
Romulus: (THWAP)
Remus: GAK!
Romulus: You may find it troubling that I`ve just murdered my own brother in cold blood, but rest assured I`ll be a calm, wise and fair king for the rest of you. If you never ANNOY ME!

Romulus: These are the Seven Hills of Rome. I call the Palatine for myself since it has rosy flowers and lots of butterflies.
Villagers: Can we have the Aventine?
Romulus: No, that will be the headquarters of the Tal Shiar.

Romulus: But why don`t you want to give us your advanced technology? You know, like the wheel?
Etruscans: That information is classified. Besides, you Romans are flawed, weak, disorganized. And quite illogical. Your little town won`t be able to stand on its own for more than a few years.
Romulus: You`re wrong! We`ll become mighty and glorious, and you know why?
Etruscans: Why?
Romulus: Cause we`ve got faith of the heart!

Legionary: Oh mighty Consul, the Carthaginian-Macedonian alliance is too strong! We`re not going to win this war.
Consul: Not to worry! I`ve sent letters, telling the Carthaginian king the Macedonians called his mother a goat, and to the Macedonian king that the Carthaginians named a public toilet after him. That alliance is over.
Legionary: Wow! What a brilliant and original tactic!
Consul: It`s a little invention of mine. I think I`ll call it [i:post_uid0]divide et impera[/i:post_uid0].

Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country!
Aristotle: Yes, whatever, just kindly don`t interrupt the three of us. We`re debating the purpose of existence.
Plato: The discussion is over. The purpose of existence is, without any doubt whatsoever, peanut butter.
Socrates: Agreed.
Aristotle: I concur.

Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country!
Cleopatra: Oh! Tall, strong, dark men have arrived to take my country, and to take me! Amon-Ra, I`m SO turned on!

Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country! Resistance is futile! You will become one with the Rome!
Seleucid King: Ni!
Roman General #1: Um, what is he saying?
Roman General #2: The universal translator must be malfunctioning.
Seleucid King: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Roman General #1: On second thought, let`s not invade the Seleucid Kingdom.

Julius Caesar: I intend to cross the river Rubico.
Legionary: But you can`t! It would be an act of war against the Roman Republic!
Caesar: Act of war-shmact of war. I`ll do it!
Legionary: Ole! We`re with you! Say the words, oh Caesar, that will be remembered for centuries to come, the famous words on the river Rubico...
Caesar: Engage!

Augustus: Assemble a giant army for me!
Senate: No way. We`re in charge of the Republic.
Augustus: My big sword and I hereby disband the Senate and the Republic. I am your Emperor now!
Legionaries: Oh, holy Emperor, the treacherous Marcus Antonius and Pompey are opposing your rule! What shall we do?
Emperor Augustus: Wipe them out. All of them.

Attila the Hun: Your Empire is past its expiration date, and is now decaying poorly, much like [i:post_uid0]Friends[/i:post_uid0] and [i:post_uid0]ER[/i:post_uid0].
Emperor Valentinian: I will give you half the Empire and my sister.
Attila: I want 94.7% of the Empire and your brother.
Emperor Valentinian: Bite me.
Attila: CRUSH! KILL! PILLAGE! OBLITERATE!

[i:post_uid0]Emperor`s Log: Stardate 4th September 476. Howdy. I am Romulus Augustulus, the last Emperor of Rome. Sigh. Perhaps I should have spent more time planning an efficient defense of the Empire, instead of chatting with people on the Forum all day long. But the situation is not as gloomy as it seems. Sure, some people say the world is set for one thousand years of the dark middle ages, but I personally believe that`s a bit of an exaggeration.[/i:post_uid0]

(The Roman Empire falls at Ludicrous Speed)[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country! Resistance is futile! You will become one with the Rome!
Seleucid King: Ni!
Roman General #1: Um, what is he saying?
Roman General #2: The universal translator must be malfunctioning.
Seleucid King: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Roman General #1: On second thought, let`s not invade the Seleucid Kingdom.
[/quote:post_uid0]
It is a silly place. :D

I like it. Can't recall which comment by Sa'ar it was that provoked this, but good job, eh?[/color:post_uid0]

[Scooter]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Awesome. Totally awesome. There's so much more that could be added, but even better to see the Romans boiled down to their core silliness.[/color:post_uid0]

[MmeBlueberry]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]You've made me sneak out of lurkerdom.

I'm teaching my 9th graders about Rome right now (just switched from republic to empire). Mind if I share some of that with them? They won't get it all, but it'd be a fun thing to do. :)[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[quote:post_uid0="Nic Corelli"][color=#000000:post_uid0]Legionary: Oh mighty Consul, the Carthaginian-Macedonian alliance is too strong! We`re not going to win this war.
Consul: Not to worry! I`ve sent letters, telling the Carthaginian king the Macedonians called his mother a goat, and to the Macedonian king that the Carthaginians named a public toilet after him. That alliance is over.
Legionary: Wow! What a brilliant and original tactic!
Consul: It`s a little invention of mine. I think I`ll call it [i:post_uid0]divide et impera[/i:post_uid0].

(The Roman Empire falls at Ludicrous Speed)[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]:lol: :lol: :lol:

I think I've just been inspired to five my genetics notes, here... Good one, Nic![/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]I like it. Can't recall which comment by Sa'ar it was that provoked this, but good job, eh?[/quote:post_uid0]

It was in an email:

Five Minute History of the Southern Slavs:

Once upon a time on the Steppes there were some Slavs. Under pressure from tribes further east, they moved into what used to be Illyria and took over. Over time they managed to split into six (or more) different nationalities who declared everlasting blood feuds on each other and all their neighbours, the end.

Being an equal-opportunity satirist, I then slagged my own Celtic ancestors (warning: not responsible for insult of offense taken on behalf of people dead for 2500 years):

Once upon a time there were a bunch of people living in Switzerland who didn't go anywhere, until they got horses and then went everywhere. They ruled most of Europe until they got stuck between the filthy Germans on one side and the damned Romans on the other. The Romans didn't fight in the time honoured manner of painting yourself blue, stripping naked and then running screaming at your opponent in a disorganised mob. As a result, the Celts got their arses kicked and got swept aside to some rainy miserable islands, where they proceeded to fight amongst themselves and get occupied by the Sassenach, until they took over the British Empire from the inside. The end.

[quote:post_uid0]Roman Legion: We have marched here to kill your soldiers and steal your country!
Cleopatra: Oh! Tall, strong, dark men have arrived to take my country, and to take me! Amon-Ra, I`m SO turned on![/quote:post_uid0]

Dark? Yes, in the classical sense as it applies to hair and not pigmentation. Strong? Militarily, yes. Tall? Hardly. *snicker*

Nice job. Pay my nitpicking no mind.[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Once upon a time there were a bunch of people living in Switzerland ... [/quote:post_uid0]
Ahh, yes ... right around Hallstatt, wasn't it?[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Ahh, yes ... right around Hallstatt, wasn't it?[/quote:post_uid0]

You are correct, sir. Once they got the horse, they spread out in all directions, getting as far as Iberia (Galicia), Asia Minor (Galatea) and France (Gaul). I'm not sure whether the Galicia in Ukraine is derived from the Celts as well. The migrations to Ireland and Britain happened a bit later.[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]The one in the Ukraine is the eastern portion of what was known as Polish Galicia, and is indeed named for the Celts.

Also, I believe it was to the folks in Galatea (Asia Minor) that the Apostle Paul's Epistle* was directed.



(* say [i:post_uid0]that[/i:post_uid0] five times, fast!)[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]The one in the Ukraine is the eastern portion of what was known as Polish Galicia, and is indeed named for the Celts.[/quote:post_uid0]

It's been traded back and forth between three empires and various successor states for a long time. I think the incoming Germans and Slavs pretty much assimilated the Celts long before the Austrian, Prussian and Russian empires arose.

[quote:post_uid0]Also, I believe it was to the folks in Galatea (Asia Minor) that the Apostle Paul's Epistle* was directed.[/quote:post_uid0]

A bunch of Celts swept through after the collapse of Alexander's Empire and settled there. I know nothing of Epistles, though.[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[quote:post_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"][color=#000000:post_uid0]Over time they managed to split into six (or more) different nationalities who declared everlasting blood feuds on each other and all their neighbours, the end.

The Romans didn't fight in the time honoured manner of painting yourself blue, stripping naked and then running screaming at your opponent in a disorganised mob.[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]::dies::
::is tempted to do a five-minute history of Singapore now, or rather a five-second history of it::[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[quote:post_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"][color=#000000:post_uid0]I know nothing of Epistles, though.[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]Ninth book of the New Testament (Galatians).[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]::is tempted to do a five-minute history of Singapore now, or rather a five-second history of it:: [/quote:post_uid0]

The Little Island That Could, or From Reeds To Riches.

Mangrove swamps have reeds, don't they?[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"]Mangrove swamps have reeds, don't they?[/quote:post_uid0]

I don't know about that, although I'm pretty sure they have awful May weather. And plenty of stick-up roots that you could easily Trip over.

:lol:[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]*the wince heard 'round the world*

Warn a guy before you pun like that :P[/color:post_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]But no Archers, hm?[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]I'm teaching my 9th graders about Rome right now (just switched from republic to empire). Â Mind if I share some of that with them? Â They won't get it all, but it'd be a fun thing to do.[/quote:post_uid0]

Sure, be my guest! 15-year-olds are my target audience, after all, :D

[quote:post_uid0]Also, I believe it was to the folks in Galatea (Asia Minor) that the Apostle Paul's Epistle* was directed.[/quote:post_uid0]

Good thing nobody spoke English back then, :D Â :lol:[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[quote:post_uid0="catalina_marina"][color=#000000:post_uid0]But no Archers, hm?[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]Nope, they're all too busy at Th' pols. I mean polls. I mean, the elections are coming up, aren't they?

Oh, I forgot. Sa'ar, I was going to pun. Consider yourself duly warned. :D[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Dabogda Čekotej zivot hodala unatraske [/quote:post_uid0]

17, how about you explain this to me? :D[/color:post_uid0]

[Zeke]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Taya, when it comes to puns, you have the morality of Phlox.[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]... Zeke, did you just call me [i:post_uid0]TAYA[/i:post_uid0]?

::mustnotTHWAPadminmustnotTHWAPadminmustnotTHWAPGN NNNNRRRGGHHHHHH!::[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Zeke, did you just call me TAYA?[/quote:post_uid0]

No, he called you Taya three days ago.[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]::looks into getting time travel machine::

Edit: geez, I seem to have missed this:

[quote:post_uid0="Nic Corelli"][quote:post_uid0]Dabogda Čekotej zivot hodala unatraske [/quote:post_uid0]

17, how about you explain this to me? :D[/quote:post_uid0]

Actually, I think I might have screwed up something major by removing "your children" and replacing <strike>them</strike> it with "Chakotay". Hmm. And I just realized that that line doesn't sound right.

But how else would you say it? What did I miss? What did I get wrong?! Â Oo''[/color:post_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Zeke, I warned you. :D[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]... and the recriminations abound ... :D[/color:post_uid0]

[catalina_marina]

[quote:post_uid0="Nic Corelli"][color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Dabogda Čekotej zivot hodala unatraske [/quote:post_uid0]

17, how about you explain this to me? :D[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]Why, doesn't it make any sense? :lol:[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Well, apparently not, or he wouldn't be asking, right?[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[quote:post_uid0="taya17"][color=#000000:post_uid0]Actually, I think I might have screwed up something major by removing "your children" and replacing <strike>them</strike> it with "Chakotay". Hmm. And I just realized that that line doesn't sound right.

But how else would you say it? What did I miss? What did I get wrong?! Â Oo''[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]I presume you wanted to say "May Chakotay walked backwards for the rest of his life while buying rear view mirrors." Why you wanted to say it, I do not know and I dare not ask, :D

The correct version would be: "Dabogda Chakotay cijeli život hodao unatraške i kupovao retrovizore." :D

And why do you get angry when people call you Taya? :p[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]And why do you get angry when people call you Taya?[/quote:post_uid0]

Because, despite evidence to the contrary, it's not her name.[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#F52887:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="Nic Corelli"]The correct version would be: "Dabogda Chakotay cijeli život hodao unatraške i kupovao retrovizore." :D[/quote:post_uid0]
Ooh I get it. I thought "cijeli" was linked to "all your children", which is why I dropped it. And guhhh-- another bunch of verb modifiers! Is -ao for third person in the whatitscalled--present? present continuous?--tense, then?

And ARGH. DIACRITICS. Which basically means I've been pronouncing the phrase wrongly all the time! ::thwaphead::

::goes to fix sig::

[Yes, Taya is not, not not not not NOT, my name, not now or ever! Anyone who calls me by that name shall be rewarded with a hard and fast meeting with a slice of lemon wrapped around my five mile long space station. That will be all.]\

Edit: Okay, this is going to sound stupid, but Sa'ar? I just figured out what the Latin line in your sig means. WOLS, I know. But hey! I don't speak Latin, and I figured it out all on my own! Too bad you're not an FS fan, it'd be way funnier. (That line happens to be one of my Immortal FS Lines, which always kind of makes me crack up...)

Edit, part 2: WTF$#%$@#@! Looks like the font color change finally kicked in! YOWZA![/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]I just figured out what the Latin line in your sig means.[/quote:post_uid0]

I stole it from a Fark Photoshop. I, too, figured it out all by myself. You can tell it's real Latin and not something I made up, 'cause Zeke was able to understand it as well.

Latin is almost as cool as mock-Latin (ie, Fabricati Diem, Pvnc).[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Congratulations to Zeke. Points and cupcake will be forthcoming soon.)
[/quote:post_uid0]

Well, will he [i:post_uid0]ever[/i:post_uid0] receive his points and cupcake? :D[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Well, will he ever receive his points and cupcake?[/quote:post_uid0]

Once he promises to stop beating me in pool.[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="Sa'ar Chasm"]Once he promises to stop beating me in pool.[/quote:post_uid0]

Call me blind, but I read that as "Once he promises to stop beating me [i:post_uid0]in the pool[/i:post_uid0]" and was wondering what the [i:post_uid0]hell[/i:post_uid0] the two of you were up to in Ottawa.

:D

Edit: And Nic... "Uskoro". ;)[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Call me blind, but I read that as "Once he promises to stop beating me [i:post_uid0]in the pool[/i:post_uid0]" and was wondering what the hell the two of you were up to in Ottawa.[/quote:post_uid0]

...

Defeating me *at* pool. How's that?

Be very careful how how you read things. It can be embarassing if you don't.[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Wait a minute! I got it!

[quote:post_uid0]Congratulations to Zeke. Â Points and cupcake will be forthcoming [b:post_uid0][i:post_uid0]soon[/i:post_uid0][/b:post_uid0].) [/quote:post_uid0]

How devious, :D :D[/color:post_uid0]

[Zeke]

[quote:post_uid0="taya17"][color=#000000:post_uid0]Call me blind, but I read that as "Once he promises to stop beating me [i:post_uid0]in the pool[/i:post_uid0]" and was wondering what the [i:post_uid0]hell[/i:post_uid0] the two of you were up to in Ottawa.[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]That's because you see the whole world through pervy Minbari-fancier glasses. As much as you might like there to be, there is absolutely no slash subtext at all when Sa'ar and I play pool. Only ball-knocking and scratching.

Wait.[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I fail to understand why the line "stop beating me in (the) pool" got you so confused, 17.

If I had read it the way you did, my first guess would have been that they were playing water pollo. :D :D :D[/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[quote:post_uid0="Zeke"][color=#000000:post_uid0]That's because you see the whole world through pervy Minbari-fancier glasses. Â As much as you might like there to be, there is absolutely no slash subtext at all when Sa'ar and I play pool. Â Only ball-knocking and scratching.[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]OYYYYYYY.

Guys, stop ganging up on me, or someone's going to pay for it with a THWAP to the head soon.

And I KNOW Sa'ar doesn't play water polo! Not the sport kind, anyhow.[/color:post_uid0]

[Sa'ar Chasm]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]And I KNOW Sa'ar doesn't play water polo![/quote:post_uid0]

It's too hard to find scuba equipment that fits the horse.[/color:post_uid0]

[PointyHairedJedi]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="taya17"]And I KNOW Sa'ar doesn't play water polo! Not the sport kind, anyhow.[/quote:post_uid0]
I suspect that we don't want to know what you meant by that exactly.[/color:post_uid0]

[Nan]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Too... many... [i:post_uid0]jokes![/i:post_uid0] Can't... make them all at... [i:post_uid0]once![/i:post_uid0][/color:post_uid0]

[taya17]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]BWAAAHAHAHAHAH! ::terrorizes Nan with innuendo::[/color:post_uid0]

[AKAArzosah]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]It's no wonder Rome fell if this is the history of it! You are way [i:post_uid0]way[/i:post_uid0] off topic. oh well, i guess that's to be expected.[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]This is exactly why Rome fell. The Romans were too lazy to defend the Empire and were just chatting on the Forum all day long... :D Who do you think invented [i:post_uid0]Forum[/i:post_uid0]? :p[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Forum.[/color:post_uid0]

[Nan]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A fuzzy thing happened to me on the way to work.

A smiley fer whoever gets the reference. ;)[/color:post_uid0]

[Nic Corelli]

[quote:post_uid0="Nan"][color=#000000:post_uid0]A fuzzy thing happened to me on the way to work.

A smiley fer whoever gets the reference. ;)[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]I give up. :p[/color:post_uid0]

[Nan]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Original title of the first TOS episode featuring Tribbles. :D[/color:post_uid0]

[mudshark]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]It's also a chapter title in Gerrold's book about the making of the episode. (Nan, tried to PM you with that before, but I guess they weren't working at the time.)[/color:post_uid0]