September 20: Star Wars Trilogy

[Kira]

Greetings, all, and welcome to another Kira Extravaganza. (Or Kiravaganza, if you will.) Today, I bring you fivers that I started writing a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... well, undergrad. In fact, I started jotting down scenes for these before I even had them called. Those initial scenes are long gone, but the final product is here after close to a year and a half of writing, tweaking, and... a lot of waiting.

Ladies and gentlemen, fiver fans, I give you.... Five-Minute Star Wars (../scifivers/starwars.html).

Fear not, for fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering... but you only have to suffer until tomorrow to get the next installment. Cheers, and enjoy.

[Derek]

Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.
Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM?

Excellent, excellent fiver, Kira. Hilarious from start to finish.

[Xeroc]

ROTFLMA:DOL!

An awesome fiver! :D

Favorite parts... It was all so good!

Imperial Soldier: The files are not in the main computer, Lord Vader.
Vader: Damn! (strangling Rebel soldier) Where are those transmissions?
Rebel Soldier: Ack... diplomatic... urk... mission....
Vader: Perhaps you'll be more cooperative if I choke you to death!
Rebel Soldier: GAK!
Vader: Hm... maybe I should have thought that through first.

Luke: Stupid chores! Stupid Uncle Owen! Stupid Tatooine!
C3PO: Pardon me, Master Luke, but are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this annoying?
C3PO: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly. -- and --
Luke: I wish Han were here. And Ben. Sigh.
Leia: Are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this hot?
Leia: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly.

Luke: This droid says he belongs to you.
Obi-Wan: I've never seen him before in my life.
R2D2: beepboop beblip deep doop bloop
Obi-Wan: I think I'd remember something like that. Come, young Luke, let us gather up the pieces of your cowardly droid and come to my hut where I'll talk you into a quest that will lead you away from everything you've ever known and change your life forever. And I have Tang.
Luke: Sweet! Tang!

Stormtrooper 1: We're looking for some missing droids just like the two you've got in your speeder here. Show us some identification.
Obi-Wan: Of course, it's right -- Look over there!
Stormtrooper 1: What? Where?
(VROOOOOOM)
Stormtrooper 2: You idiot! You just fell for the infamous Jedi Mind Trick.

Tarkin: Tell us where the Rebel base is or we'll blow up Alderaan.
Leia: Oh no! Not Alderaan! The Rebels are on the planet Ecoyday in the Uckersay system.
Tarkin: Excellent. Told you she would cave, Vader.
Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.
Tarkin: Princess, we thank you for your cooperation and ACTIVATE THE DEATH STAR! Mwahahaha!
Leia: But... but....
Tarkin: What? I'm evil.

R2D2: beep deboop zoop blip boopboop!
C3PO: He says the Princess is here, and scheduled to be executed.
Luke: Oh no! I can't let that hot chick die! Come on, we have to rescue her!
Solo: What's in it for me? Can I hook up with her?
Luke: Only if I can't, though I can't imagine why that would be.

Obi-Wan: You can kill me, Darth, but I'll just come back even more powerful than before. "Obi-Wan the White," they'll call me.
Vader: Fifty bucks says you can't pull that off.
Obi-Wan: You're on.
(WHOOSH)
Vader: (poking the empty robe) Damn! Where'd he go?
Luke: Nooooo! Ben! Now how will you get the fifty bucks?

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke.
Luke: Great, just what I needed. A back seat driver.

Obi-Wan: Let go, Luke. Trust me.
Luke: You mean shut off the targeting computer? Why?
Obi-Wan: It will make it more impressive when you manage to blow up the station.
Luke: Fair enough.

Luke: So, we've destroyed the Death Star and rid the galaxy of the evil Empire. I guess this is the end. I mean, it's not like they can strike back or anything. Right, guys?
Leia: Er....
Solo: Um....
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Luke: Sigh.

Leia: Luke Skywalker, for sheer dumb luck, I award you this medal.
Luke: Sweet!
All: Yay!
Leia: And to you, Han Solo, I award this medal for running like a chicken until the last possible second.
Solo: Oo! Shiny!
All: Yay!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Sorry, I'm all out.
All: Boo!
(Chewbacca sulks at Ludicrous Speed)

[mudshark]

Oh, boy.

Much stuff good and funny here. Some I liked:
Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds. *snicker, tee-hee*
Tarkin: Tell us where the Rebel base is or we'll blow up Alderaan.
Leia: Oh no! Not Alderaan! The Rebels are on the planet Ecoyday in the Uckersay system.
Tarkin: Excellent. Told you she would cave, Vader.
Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.
Tarkin: Princess, we thank you for your cooperation and ACTIVATE THE DEATH STAR! Mwahahaha!
Leia: But... but....
Tarkin: What? I'm evil. :D
Obi-Wan: Luke, trust your feelings.
Luke: Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a New Age therapist? And get out of my head!
Obi-Wan: But I like it in here. :mrgreen:

Good start, Kira -- looking forward to more. http://www.akfiles.com/forums/smilies/small_grin.gif

Edit: Oh,yeah ... as NAH pointed out, the blurb, too. Hee.

[NAHTMMM]

*jaw drops* Oh....my......gosh......IT'S HERE? WOO-HOO! :mrgreen:


Vader: Perhaps you'll be more cooperative if I choke you to death!
Rebel Soldier: GAK!
Vader: Hm... maybe I should have thought that through first.
LOL! :D

C3PO: Another fine mess you've gotten us into, dipstick.
Heeheehee.

Stormtrooper 1: We'd be making much better time if we didn't have all these dewbacks slowing us down.
Stormtrooper 2: We have -- hey, where did those come from?
BWAHAHAHA!

Solo: Greedo! Long time, no see. Um... everything's fine here, we're all fine. How are you?
Greedo: I'll be much better once I collect the bounty on your head.
(ZAP!)
Solo: Well, it was a boring conversation anyways.
Heheheh. Han does have a way of losing interest in conversations abruptly, doesn't he?

Leia: No more than I am to see you all in one piece. I didn't know you had moved our base off Ecoyday.
Willard: ...Yes. Well, that's why we don't let you do any actual planning.
Heehee.

Luke: No way! That little droid has saved my life.
Rebel Engineer: Really? I've always heard R2 units are notorious for trying to kill their masters. Is this a parachute he's wearing?
Luke: Why would R2 want a parachute?
*remembers the Tatooine and garbage scenes and giggles uncontrollably*


Brilliant stuff all around, Kira! :mrgreen:


Oh, and very nice blurb too ;)

[BR48]

Great work once again, Kira. Here's my favorite part:

Luke: So, we've destroyed the Death Star and rid the galaxy of the evil Empire. I guess this is the end. I mean, it's not like they can strike back or anything. Right, guys?
Leia: Er....
Solo: Um....
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Luke: Sigh.
ROFL!

[Celeste]

As I read this thread (well actualy the main 5MV page) I was currently listening to the soundtrack to Return of the Jedi. You know, psyching myself out for the Trilogy tomorow. WHICH I AM SO GETTING.

::ahem::

Kira you rock.

That is all.

[Scooter]

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke.
Luke: Great, just what I needed. A back seat driver.

Death Star: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Vader: Crap! That station cost me an arm and a leg!

Awesome awesome awesome. Thanks Kira!

[mudshark]

Kira, it occurs to me to add:

Thank you for calling it Five-minute Star Wars, instead of that incredibly lame, tacked-on-22-years-after-the-fact, really stupid "A New Hope" boojazz. Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned. (Next up, folks: a rant upon "Hikaru" -- sheesh! :roll: )


[Disclaimer: this post will make absolutely no sense to most of you -- don't worry about it.]

[Chancellor Valium]

ROFL!

[evay]

Fantastic job, Kira!

Vader: Obi-Wan... we meet at last.
Obi-Wan: We've known each other since you were a child, you moron.
Vader: Whatever. Eat lightsaber.

yeah, there's going to be a lot of that going on. If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

Case in point:

Stormtrooper 1: Look -- droid parts.
Stormtrooper 2: The footsteps lead off in this direction. Let's go.
Stormtrooper 1: We'd be making much better time if we didn't have all these dewbacks slowing us down.
Stormtrooper 2: We have -- hey, where did those come from?

Other treasured bits:
C3PO: Another fine mess you've gotten us into, dipstick.[/quote[

Every great comedy duo has a tall skinny one and a short fat one who communicates in gibberish.

[quote]Luke: He what? Is he trying to get me killed?
C3PO: I wouldn't be at all surprised, sir.

I sense an emerging theme.

Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

ROFL!

Obi-Wan: I've found a pilot to take us to Alderaan.
Luke: You're going to let that thing fly us?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Watch your mouth, kid. Wookiees don't take kindly to insults.
Luke: I wasn't talking about the Wookiee.

Heheheheh...Wookiees.

Imperial Soldier: Is there anybody in there?
Solo: No!
Imperial Soldier: The ship appears to be deserted, sir.

Where would heroes be without inept bad guys?

Solo: We've got fighters on our tail.
(ZAP! ZAP!)
Luke: Yes! Tetris!
Solo: Luke!
Luke: Oh, right. Shooting the Imperial Fighters. Sorry.

<snicker> I'm surprised they can hit anything with that targetting grid.

Leia: So you're just going to take the reward and leave us to die?
Solo: Darlin', sometimes you just gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run just long enough to look like a hero when you come back to save the day.

Now *that's* how you use song lyrics in a fiver (are you taking notes, me?)

Leia: Luke Skywalker, for sheer dumb luck, I award you this medal.
Luke: Sweet!
All: Yay!
Leia: And to you, Han Solo, I award this medal for running like a chicken until the last possible second.
Solo: Oo! Shiny!
All: Yay!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Sorry, I'm all out.
All: Boo!
(Chewbacca sulks at Ludicrous Speed)

Poor Chewie. The amount of respect you get in the Star Wars universe is inversely proprotional to the amount of body hair you have.

Very impressive, Kira. A great start to your magnificent octopus.

What?

[Kira]

Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM?
I think it was Hayden Christensen, but that's where I got the idea.
yeah, there's going to be a lot of that going on. If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that?
Just wait until Friday. :twisted:

[Chancellor Valium]

More of this? WOO!

[evay]

Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM? I think it was Hayden Christensen, but that's where I got the idea.

F. Murray Abraham did the same thing while filming Insurrection, although reportedly he didn't realize he was doing it. They stopped filming and someone said "Murray, you don't have to make the shooting sounds when you fire your phaser. We'll add it in post." Abraham said "I'm not making noises! What are you talking about?" So they showed him the dailies and he was making phaser-fire sounds like a five-year-old! :mrgreen:


If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that? Just wait until Friday.

Okay, now I'm TOTALLY pysched. :twisted:

[Derek]

F. Murray Abraham did the same thing while filming Insurrection, although reportedly he didn't realize he was doing it. They stopped filming and someone said "Murray, you don't have to make the shooting sounds when you fire your phaser. We'll add it in post." Abraham said "I'm not making noises! What are you talking about?" So they showed him the dailies and he was making phaser-fire sounds like a five-year-old! :mrgreen:
Er, that's very close to the story I heard about McGregor if you just replace the phaser with a lightsaber. I'm now starting to suspect this is one of those common rumors that get passed around about lots of different movies with the details tweaked to suit each one.

Either that or actors are very dumb.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I can't really say much I'm afraid - my head has exploded with happiness.


Yes, I know what you're thinking, and yes, you're sick. :P

[Chancellor Valium]

Indeedly!

[Wowbagger]

I read the first sentence and decided to save it for a day on which I feel very depressed. Or until I can't stop myself.

Two questions:

1) You call fivers before you write them?! Whoa! Work-saving revelation!

2) Who's listening to tonights BBC broadcast of Hitchhiker's Guide Fit the Thirteenth? Downloaded RealOne player just for tonight.

[Xeroc]

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.
Did you read the discliamer...

Star Wars[/i] Fiver]DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)

[Kira]

As most of you are probably aware, the new and "improved" Star Wars Trilogy is out on DVD today. Hats off to George Lucas, without whose incessant meddling I would have missed many an opportunity for a joke.

And without further ado, today's presentation of Five-Minute The Empire Strikes Back (../scifivers/theempirestrikesback.html). Tomorrow, the thrilling conclusion. Will R2D2 succeed in killing Luke? Will Luke and Leia put their finger on what's gross? Will the Ewoks eat everyone? All these answers and more....

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Excellent. I get first crack.

Luke: This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun.
Solo: Ahem.
Luke: (sigh) This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun, sir.
Solo: That's better.

*znerk*

Rebel Soldier: Sir, we've spotted Imperial Walkers closing in on our position.
Rebel Commander: Dear God! How long until they reach us?
Rebel Soldier: At their current speed? About four days.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! The best jokes are the ones you don't see coming.

Solo: We should be able to lose the Imperial ships in this asteroid field.
C3PO: Sir! The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are forty seven thousand to one!
Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.

<snicker>

Vader: Greetings, bounty hunter scum. I'm in the market for some Rebels, and there will be a reward for... say, you seem familiar. Are you sure you're not a Stormtrooper?
Boba Fett: Yep. I'm one of a kind.

<g>

Solo: Well, I'm about to be frozen in carbonite. Even if I survive, I'll be a prisoner of Jabba the Hutt. Is there anything you'd like to say?
Leia: Yes. Is that offer to arrange for me to kiss a Wookiee still good?
Solo: I'll pretend I heard "I love you." And Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Forget what I said about taking care of the Princess for me.

<snicker>

That was definitely worth waiting for. I look forward to tomorrow's offering.

[Derek]

Dack: GAK!
Heh. And if there were two of them, would they be a Dax?

[Nan]

I'm now starting to suspect this is one of those common rumors that get passed around about lots of different movies with the details tweaked to suit each one. ... Either that or actors are very dumb.

Uma Thurman admitted to making kung-fu swiping noises while filming Kill Bill.

I'll take door number two, Monty. ;)

(I bet it all goes back to the childhood plastic rayguns/lightsabers/etc. It's become a Pavlovian response by adulthood. ;))

Oh yeah: Excellent work, Kira! :mrgreen:

[Katy Jane]

Operator: To continue using the Force Long Distance, please deposit twenty-five cents.

Heeheehee :mrgreen:

[ijdgaf]

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

You know, I hate to tangent this topic too much, but I'm getting awfully tired of this sentiment. I have the DVDs, I've enjoyed what I've seen so far, and I don't see anything that detracts from the Star Wars experience.

I find it extremely ironic that everyone in here is jumping on Lucas when he rewrites history, yet you all love Enterprise for it's same failing.

Give it a break, guys.

This isn't to detract from my opinion of Kira's fivers -- they're definitely up there with Kira's greatest work. Keep it up!

[Xeroc]

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

You know, I hate to tangent this topic too much, but I'm getting awfully tired of this sentiment. I have the DVDs, I've enjoyed what I've seen so far, and I don't see anything that detracts from the Star Wars experience.

I find it extremely ironic that everyone in here is jumping on Lucas when he rewrites history, yet you all love Enterprise for it's same failing.

Give it a break, guys.
I hear you ijdgaf, I've seen the new Special-Edition Series of Star Wars (all three of them), and frankly, I like them.
I recently saw a documentary on the Star Wars Trilogy and the Special Edition, and they said (with George Lucas in this documentary too) that he really wanted all that special edition stuff in there the first time, but couldn't do it due to budget or technology constraints.

And I wouldn't go so far as to say I love enterprise. It could be quite a bit better.

<campaign message>And I might have a chance to help it if I am elected as Executive Producer!</campaign message>

[NAHTMMM]

Ooo! More extremely funny stuff!

Wampa: GRAAAAAAR!
Luke: Oh yeah? Check out my mad lightsaber skills, then we'll see who tastes like chicken.

...
C3PO: No, I don't think we might as well seal the doors. Really, R2, you should learn to be more optimistic like me.
:mrgreen:

Solo: Luke! Luke! Oh man, he's in bad shape. It's a good thing R2 gave me those first aid tips before I left. Now, which end of the Tauntaun do I stuff him in....
LOL! :D

Solo: Come on, Princess! If there's any time to run like a little girl, this is it.
Leia: What's your excuse the rest of the time?
Heheheh.

Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.
What are the odds, indeed? ;) Must've picked that up from a magazine article from years ago or something...

Vader: This had better be good, Master. I was having fun blowing up things.
Palpatine: I have sensed a new presence in the Force -- Luke Skywalker. We must kill him.
Vader: That's your reaction to everyone new we meet. Why don't we try sending him a fruit basket instead?
Bwahahaha!

Leia: You found Threepio in a junk pile? Can you fix him?
Solo: Whoa, whoa. Let's not be too hasty here.
Heheheh. :twisted:

Luke: Is that a bottomless pit? I've always wanted to try out one of those.
Vader: Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as... hey! Get back here!
Luke: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
:mrgreen: And another great blurb, too!

[Scooter]

Vader: Welcome, young Skywalker. I have set this trap for you.
Luke: Oh no! It's a trap!
Vader: I see Obi-Wan didn't teach you to have bad feelings about things.

Even more awesomer. Hilarious!

[Scooter]

Kira, it occurs to me to add:

Thank you for calling it Five-minute Star Wars, instead of that incredibly lame, tacked-on-22-years-after-the-fact, really stupid "A New Hope" boojazz. Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned. (Next up, folks: a rant upon "Hikaru" -- sheesh! :roll: )


[Disclaimer: this post will make absolutely no sense to most of you -- don't worry about it.]

A little silly (imo) to complain about calling the movie Episode 4 (which it was), A New Hope (the title at the beginning of the movie, for Pete's sake), or Star Wars (the original merchandising title). It's not really revisionism--Star Wars was always Episode 4, A New Hope, and I heard people calling it that in 1977. Now they're just putting it on the box.

I usually refer to it as Episode 4 just so there's no question of whether I'm referring to the film or the franchise (but then, I'm a pedantic nerd myself). Since there are five Star Wars films, soon to be six, what's wrong with a little clarity every once in a while? Why do people get upset about these things? So what if they're changing the marketing now?

But then, I was one of those people who was pleased somebody filled in the gaping hole that was Sulu's first name, so clearly I'm a grade A maroon on that score, too. :)

Anyway this is all off topic. Great work Kira, and eagerly awaiting "Episiode 6"! (psst--is it O.K. to call it that?) ;)[/i]

[Kira]

Hooray for Ewoks, it's Return of the Jedi (../scifivers/returnofthejedi.html).

We're not done with the Star Wars-themed material, but before I sign off for today, a few kudos: Marc, Derek, IJD GAF, Zeke, and anyone else who read the fivers, helped me with sticky scenes, or suggested a joke that I ended up using. Also, let's hear it for R2D2 and Chewbacca, by far the best characters I've ever written lines for without writing actual lines.

[Xeroc]

Hooray for Return of the Jedi!

Another awesome fiver!

Favorite Parts:

Solo: So, what's been going on in between movies, Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Lando's a Jedi? Leia's not a traitor? Luke's here to rescue me?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Oh, like you'd have sharp hearing after getting frozen in carbonite.

Jabba: What do you want, Jedi?
Luke: You will bring Captain Solo and WHOA! That is one smoking outfit you've got on Leia! Um, what was I saying?
Jabba: I was about to feed you to the Rancor.
Luke: Right. No, wait a min--AAAAAA!

Jabba: Any last words, Jedi?
Luke: Yes. (ahem) Get ready to toss me my lightsaber, R2.
R2D2: beep dedoop blip?
Luke: What do you mean, what lightsaber? The one I gave you when I explained my daring rescue plan!
R2D2: blip zoop dedoop?
Luke: No, I'm not going to go over it again.

Leia: Take this, you slimy ball of slime!
Jabba: I never thought I'd go this way, being strangled by a hot babe in a bikini... but I'd always really hoped so. GAK!

Lando: Aaaa! The Sarlacc's got me!
Solo: Chewie, did you hear something?
Lando: Han, you idiot, it's your sight that hasn't returned yet, not your hearing!
Solo: What's that, Lando? You want me to shoot the blaster in your general direction?

Luke: Are you all right, Master Yoda? You look a little green. Heheheh.
Yoda: Impudent padawan... funny think you are. There is something you must know -- there is another ss... sssky... skyw...
Luke: Skyway? Skywinch?
Yoda: Gak!
Luke: Great, now I'll never know what he was trying to say!

Leia: Luke, you're back! Is something wrong?
Luke: What makes you say that?
Leia: That's the first time you've hugged me and not tried to cop a feel.

Lando: Well, I'm in command of what could be the most important mission in the history of the galaxy. If only I had a ship....
Solo: All right, all right! You can take the Falcon, if it will stop your pathetic attempts at subtle hints. I'll need some collateral, though. What are your assets?
Lando: Hm. Well, I do have this ship I just borrowed.
Solo: Done.

Solo: Hello, giant Imperial Cruiser. I am a real Imperial Soldier, flying a real Imperial Shuttle on real Imperial Business. I'll transmit you my real Imperial Access Codes right now. They're real, I swear.
Imperial Soldier: (over the comm) Shield deactivation is commencing. Hold your present course.
Solo: They bought it!
Leia: Han, the comm is still open.

Ewoks: (brandishing spears) Ee-cha! Oo-took cha!
Luke: Threepio, tell them who we are.
C3PO: Oo-cha Luke Skywalker, bok-cha ee-tak Princess Leia, took-cha tee Captain Solo, oo-tee-cha Chewbacca.
Ewoks: Ee-cha!
Solo: HEY! They're trying to cook me!
Luke: Threepio, what did you tell them?
C3PO: I'm terribly sorry, sir, I seem to have translated improperly. It would appear I told them that Captain Solo tastes like chicken.

Leia: Luke, tell me what's wrong.
Luke: Vader is my father.
Leia: Ha! Boy, does it ever suck to be you.
Luke: There's more. You're my twin sister.
Leia: Oh... well, I kind of figured that.
Luke: What? How?
Leia: It was the only explanation I could think of for your being one of the only two people in the trilogy who doesn't want to make out with me.
Luke: Oh. Wait, who's the other one?
Leia: Threepio. But I think he's gay.

Palpatine: You will join us or die, young Skywalker.
Luke: Drat, I hate multiple choice. Um, I choose "c."
Palpatine: There were only two choices, idiot... but that's okay, I'll make choice "c" "slaughter the Rebels."
Luke: Crap.

Solo: (knock knock) Open up in there!
Stormtroopers: Who's there?
Solo: Um... pizza delivery.
Stormtroopers: Sweet! Safeguarding this generator from those Rebels is hard work. We're starving.
Solo: The door's opening! Quick, pass me the portable salsa generator!
Leia: Or we could just hold them at gunpoint when they rush out.
Solo: Would it kill you to leave one of my plans alone?
Leia: I'd rather not find out.

Solo: I'm sure Luke's all right.
Leia: You can feel it too?
Solo: No, my luck's just not that good.
R2D2: beep zoop blip!
C3PO: But R2, shouldn't you be happy Master Luke survived?
Leia: All right, I've got to ask -- R2, what have you got against Luke?
R2D2: zoop bedoop blip blip
C3PO: He says Master Luke reminds him of a former master that he detested.

Luke: Um, hi guys. What are you doing here? And who are you?
Anakin: Don't you recognize your old man?
Obi-Wan: (I still don't see why he gets to look so good in the afterlife.)
Yoda: (Told you to suck up to George Lucas, I did.)
Anakin: Anyways, now that you got me all redeemed and stuff, I decided to hang out with these two, just like old times.
Obi-Wan: Old times, my a-- Anakin: We thought we'd follow you around until the next sequel.
Luke: But... this is the last installment of the trilogy. There isn't another sequel.
Yoda: Sucks to be you, it does.
(Luke screams for mercy at Ludicrous Speed)

As always, excellent work! :D :D :D

And the blurb...
The droids get stuck doing Jabba-worky. Bad guys get thrown into the Sarlacc's maw Fett first. Yoda Jedies like a muppet. Luke finds out that Obi-Wan was Bending the truth. All good things come to an Endor, and find a few bad things there. The tension between Luke and Vader is Palpable. Han's team does some AT-STomping. Vader finally becomes a good manakin. If you got through this blurb alive, you just might survive the Ewoks too.
What can I possibly say?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Commander Jerjerrod: Lord Vader, we're honoured by your visit. I hope everything is in order?
Vader: Almost everything.
Jerjerrod: Of course, sir. I nearly forgot.
Imperial Soldiers: (humming) Bum bum bum bom bah bum, bom bah bum....
Vader: Much better.

ROFL!

Jabba: What do you want, Jedi?
Luke: You will bring Captain Solo and WHOA! That is one smoking outfit you've got on Leia! Um, what was I saying?

This is true, although I imagine it must have chafed.

Jabba's Ships: FWOOOOM!
Luke: Woo! Who's da man? Who's da man?
Leia: N--
Luke: You're going to mock my girly haircut, aren't you?
Leia: Not if you're going to take all the fun out of it.

Speaking as someone with a Luke Skywalker haircut...hmph. :P

Solo: That's crazy!
Lando: It's suicidal!
Leia: It could be a trap!

Don't worry, Ackbar will tell you if it's a trap.

Leia: Luke, you're back! Is something wrong?
Luke: What makes you say that?
Leia: That's the first time you've hugged me and not tried to cop a feel.

*awed* Leia's my sister... *horrified* Leia's my sister?!

Luke: (dragging Vader) Huff... puff... oof. You're pretty heavy for someone who doesn't seem to be able to eat.
Vader: Go on without me, my son. But first, take off my mask.
(Luke removes his mask)
Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

Ever hear the voice of the guy in the suit doing Vader's lines? Sounds like Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet, with an English accent.

Nice end to the trilogy.

[NAHTMMM]

Holo-Luke: Greetings, mighty Jabba. I'm here to tell you about an exclusive one-time offer: for the low, low price of one Han Solo collectible, you can own my guarantee that I won't come kick your butt! If you order now, you'll also receive these two droids!
Jabba: Lousy telemarketers. They always interrupt my dinner.
Excellent job with that scene. :D

C3PO: And that even though he managed to capture a Wookiee over twice his size, they are not working together and this is not a ruse.
Jabba: I don't know how I ever got along without a translator droid.
:D

Lando: Aaaa! The Sarlacc's got me!
Solo: Chewie, did you hear something?
Lando: Han, you idiot, it's your sight that hasn't returned yet, not your hearing!
Solo: What's that, Lando? You want me to shoot the blaster in your general direction?
Heheheh.

Mothma: Our spies have obtained valuable information about the construction of the new Death Star: a map of the galaxy, marked with a giant "X".
...
Mothma: As per usual Alliance battle procedures, we will attack the Death Star against incredible odds and without complete information and hope we get lucky.
Heeheehee :mrgreen:

Stormtroopers: Awwwwwwww. Look at the cute little --
Ewoks: ATTACK!
Stormtroopers: AAAAAAARGH! OH, THE PAIN!
Ewoks: Mwahahahaha. Cha.
:twisted:

Luke: Well, yeah, but that's beside the point -- you know the rules. No lightsaber fights without a bottomless pit.
Hmm, good point. :mrgreen: Not sure I'd ever thought of it that way.

Solo: The door's opening! Quick, pass me the portable salsa generator!
Bwahaha!

And of course another great blurb. :)

[Nan]

Leia: All right, I've got to ask -- R2, what have you got against Luke?
R2D2: zoop bedoop blip blip
C3PO: He says Master Luke reminds him of a former master that he detested.

<beams>

Great stuff, Kira!

[Chancellor Valium]

WHOO! Oh, and
The Kira-Star will be in the correct temporal range to poke Zeke with pointy stick of doom in approximately 20 days. :D

[PointyHairedJedi]

Very good indeed. I have one minor complaint though - how come Wicket W. Warrick only got a "Ewok" speaker credit? :D

[evay]

Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

hell, I've been wondering that since 1983! :mrgreen: Great job. again.

[Scooter]

In the words of C3PO: Wonderful! Wonderful!

Episode 4: Awesome
Episode 5: Awesomer
Episode 6: Awesomest!

[Scooter]

Don't worry, Ackbar will tell you if it's a trap.

hee hee

[evay]

I still think it's a riot that Akbar's species is "Mon Calamari" -- mixed French and Italian for "My Squid." Which is exactly what he looks like. :)

[Marill]

lol, I haven't seen the movies in full but still loved these fivers. Well done :D

[Nic Corelli]

Wow! Star Wars fivers... Never thought I`d see the day... :mrgreen:

Thanks to the annoying exams, I only had time to read "The Return of the Jedi", and it freakin` rocks! Kudos, Kira, you are unbelievably funny. :mrgreen:

So many great scenes...

Solo: What happened? Where am I? Who are you?
Leia: It's me, sweetheart. Relax, I saved you with my great carbonite maneuver.
Solo: Chewie? Is that you?

ROFL :mrgreen:

Rancor: GRAAAAAAR!
Luke: That's it! This had better be the last time I get fed to some gigantic monster!
Rancor: Then you should take that "Eat Me" sign off your back.
Luke: Man, how does that thing keep getting there?

Heheheheh...

Luke: (over the comm) Well, I'm off to Dagobah again.
Solo: Have a good time. I know I will, since I plan to test out Jabba's collection of torture instruments on Lando.
Luke: Oh yeah, that reminds me -- somebody really ought to have Han watch the rest of the last movie.
Leia: Oh, we will.
Lando: AAAAAAAAAAA! OH, THE HUMANITY!
Leia: Eventually.

:D :D :D

Solo: Hello, giant Imperial Cruiser. I am a real Imperial Soldier, flying a real Imperial Shuttle on real Imperial Business. I'll transmit you my real Imperial Access Codes right now. They're real, I swear.
Imperial Soldier: (over the comm) Shield deactivation is commencing. Hold your present course.
Solo: They bought it!
Leia: Han, the comm is still open.

Now this one is just hysterical, :mrgreen:

Vader: Skywalker is here, my lord. I have felt it.
Palpatine: Then what are you still doing here? Get out there and look for him!
Vader: I thought he might... you know... come to us....
Palpatine: What?
Vader: I'm sorry, Master, it was a foolish idea. I'll begin searching at once.
Palpatine: "He might come to us." Imbecile

This one too, :D

C3PO: I'm terribly sorry, sir, I seem to have translated improperly. It would appear I told them that Captain Solo tastes like chicken.

*howls (literally)*

Palpatine: This station is fully operational! Mwahahahaha!
Luke: But... but... you said the rest of the parts wouldn't be here until Tuesday!
Palpatine: Sucker! Everything arrived ahead of schedule!
Luke: What? That's impossible!
Palpatine: We had to break that cliché eventually.

Ah, the good old Tuesday cliche... broken. :mrgreen:


And also...

Anakin: We thought we'd follow you around until the next sequel.
Luke: But... this is the last installment of the trilogy. There isn't another sequel.
Yoda: Sucks to be you, it does.
(Luke screams for mercy at Ludicrous Speed)

I just read in the newspaper last week Lucas is making everyone in his company sign contracts, obliging them not to leak anything about the preparations for filming Episodes 7, 8 and 9... Oh boy, :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

[Pteryx]

All in all, I'd say that Obi-Wan got the best lines in these (long) fivers. :) -- Pteryx

[Chancellor Valium]

Serious kudos!

[Andy Taylor]

Well I haven't posted in absolutely ages, but having watched the OT this week on fan-smegging-tastic DVD, and having just read your OT fivers, Kira, I felt the need to come wave a lightsabre in your face for all of the spluttering and strange howling that may or may not have happened whilst I was going through your fivers. Brilliant!

I'd ask where the fivers for Episodes 1 and 2 were, but then I'd be setting everyone up for obvious "They're already parodies of Star Wars films" discussion. Your TJI was also very funny, so damned true... :twisted:

[PointyHairedJedi]

I'd ask where the fivers for Episodes 1 and 2 were, but then I'd be setting everyone up for obvious "They're already parodies of Star Wars films" discussion.
*Bites tongue*

Nice to see you around, AT!

You know, there's a joke in there somewhere... ;)

[Nic Corelli]

I keep hearing more and more rumours about Lucas getting ready to film Episodes 7-9... :D

What does that mean? Will Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher return to reprise their roles? Will Admiral Thrawn be just as marvelously evil villain as Darth Vader? WHAT WILL HAPPEN? AAAAAAH! :mrgreen:

[Chancellor Valium]

Find out in the next unedifying episode of George Lucas' announcements to the Galaxy! (sorry - im obsessed now...)

[Wowbagger]

I finally had that bad day I was waiting for and read all three, slowly, in an hour-long Five-Minute binge.

Cheered me right up. Great job, Kira. Especially enjoyed the evil R2. It's the kind of thing I think up at 3:30 AM.

[Zeke]

I'd ask where the fivers for Episodes 1 and 2 were

What we'll probably do is wait for 3 to come out and then do another trilogy event. It's still undecided who's doing the prequels; I'd kind of like to do them myself.

[PointyHairedJedi]

*Waves hands in the air madly*

Ooooh oooh ooooh ooooh ooooh! Ooooh! Oooooh!

[Kira]

::: waves hand :::

These are not the fivers you're looking for. You can go about your business.

[Rayinne]

Who do you think you are, some sort of Jedi or something? Mind tricks don't work on me, only fivers.
And pie.
And SEL.
And Imperial generals.
You know what, I'm going to stop here.

[Kira]

Who do you think you are, some sort of Jedi or something? Mind tricks don't work on me, only fivers.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

[Scooter]

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

"I find your lack of feet disturbing."

No, wait, wrong thread.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Um, if you walk without rythm you won't attract the worm?