PointyHairedJedi
11-06-2004, 01:26 PM
Zeke wins landslide election victory
It was announced today that Zeke, creator of Five-Minute Voyager, has won another term in office as Webmaster after a landslide victory. This will come as a great surprise to many, however, as it seems that no-one knew that Webmaster was an elected position, this august publication included. But what will this mean for the membership of 5MV? And just how did this all come about? In this TJI election special, this reporter aims to find out.
The results of this election must certainly please Zeke – results show that not only did he get 100% of the vote, but that there was a 100% voter turnout too, which this reporter can assure you is unprecedented in election history. To find out how he felt about this, and how he managed to achieve such spectacular results, we spoke to the Webmaster himself, Zeke, and his campaign manager (and long-time lawyer), Jeice O. Garricker.
This reporter: Now, the question everyone’s asking is, why the secrecy? Why was no-one told that there was an election?
Zeke: The first part of that question is easy. Basically, I saw what was happening with the US elections, the media circus, the backbiting and sniping, not to mention the massive amounts of money spent campaigning. So I decided it would be much easier if no-one knew about the election apart from those that really needed to.
Garricker: And really, you can’t argue with the figures. A hundred percent turnout is a fantastic number. And considering that we spent just twenty dollars on the campaign, it represents a cost-effectiveness that any politician would kill for.
TR: Well, that can’t be argued with I guess. Who was it you were running against though? That’s one detail so far I’ve not seen anywhere.
G: Running against? Don’t be silly, Zeke wasn’t running against anyone. That’s one of the reasons we kept it secret. If no-one knows there’s an election, or even that the Webmastership is an elected position, then no-one can run against you!
TR: In that case, why have an election in the first place?
Z: It’s important that the populace of 5MV know that democracy has a place in the running of the board.
TR: I don’t see how this election was in any way democratic. If no-one knew, then who voted?
Z: Of course it’s democratic! One man, one vote, that’s the basis of the democratic system.
G: And in this case, Zeke was the man with the vote.
TR: Suddenly everything becomes a lot clearer. Thank you for your time, gentlemen.
Z: Our pleasure. Jeice, release the hounds.
After a brisk jog from Zeke’s palatial estate, I went to seek the opinions of some of the 5MV members.
“I think this whole thing is a travesty!” yelled Zeke’s evil clone, Zuke, after jumping out of a trash can as this reporter was walking past. “It’s just the kind of sneaky underhand thing I’d do. But he did it first, damn him! Now get the hell out of my alley!”
“I don’t see how things are going to be any different. I mean, I’m perfectly happy with Zeke’s leadership as it is, so why should this change anything?” asked Nan. “Also, get the hell out of my broom closet!”
“It’s a little disappointing to be honest,” relative newcomer to 5MV Chancellor Valium remarked. “I bet if I’d run against Zeke, I could have won! Just imagine that, me, Webmaster of Five-Minute Voyager…” At this point Valium started laughing maniacally, and after twenty minutes of waiting for him to stop this reporter got fed up and left.
“I most certainly approve of his methods,” evil Dutch woman catalina_marina informed me. “It was just done so wonderfully evilly! There should have been more math though.”
"Can't talk - busy Photoshopping!" was the only response gotten from Alexia. This reporter did however find the picture of a fluffly rabbit with Zeke's head attached (encaptioned "Zekey-buns") that she was working on to be exceptionally hilarious.
Sometime co-Webmaster Kira was asked her thoughts on the election, but she just smiled knowingly and went on torturing some poor soul who had made the mistake of calling her “Colonel”.
From what this reporter can tell, its going to be more or less business as usual at Five-Minute Voyager. Why did Zeke have an election? Perhaps he was bored. Perhaps the voices in his head told him to. Who knows? One thing is sure though – Zeke’s policy of 52% more pie for 5MVers is one that it’s hard for anyone to argue with.
It was announced today that Zeke, creator of Five-Minute Voyager, has won another term in office as Webmaster after a landslide victory. This will come as a great surprise to many, however, as it seems that no-one knew that Webmaster was an elected position, this august publication included. But what will this mean for the membership of 5MV? And just how did this all come about? In this TJI election special, this reporter aims to find out.
The results of this election must certainly please Zeke – results show that not only did he get 100% of the vote, but that there was a 100% voter turnout too, which this reporter can assure you is unprecedented in election history. To find out how he felt about this, and how he managed to achieve such spectacular results, we spoke to the Webmaster himself, Zeke, and his campaign manager (and long-time lawyer), Jeice O. Garricker.
This reporter: Now, the question everyone’s asking is, why the secrecy? Why was no-one told that there was an election?
Zeke: The first part of that question is easy. Basically, I saw what was happening with the US elections, the media circus, the backbiting and sniping, not to mention the massive amounts of money spent campaigning. So I decided it would be much easier if no-one knew about the election apart from those that really needed to.
Garricker: And really, you can’t argue with the figures. A hundred percent turnout is a fantastic number. And considering that we spent just twenty dollars on the campaign, it represents a cost-effectiveness that any politician would kill for.
TR: Well, that can’t be argued with I guess. Who was it you were running against though? That’s one detail so far I’ve not seen anywhere.
G: Running against? Don’t be silly, Zeke wasn’t running against anyone. That’s one of the reasons we kept it secret. If no-one knows there’s an election, or even that the Webmastership is an elected position, then no-one can run against you!
TR: In that case, why have an election in the first place?
Z: It’s important that the populace of 5MV know that democracy has a place in the running of the board.
TR: I don’t see how this election was in any way democratic. If no-one knew, then who voted?
Z: Of course it’s democratic! One man, one vote, that’s the basis of the democratic system.
G: And in this case, Zeke was the man with the vote.
TR: Suddenly everything becomes a lot clearer. Thank you for your time, gentlemen.
Z: Our pleasure. Jeice, release the hounds.
After a brisk jog from Zeke’s palatial estate, I went to seek the opinions of some of the 5MV members.
“I think this whole thing is a travesty!” yelled Zeke’s evil clone, Zuke, after jumping out of a trash can as this reporter was walking past. “It’s just the kind of sneaky underhand thing I’d do. But he did it first, damn him! Now get the hell out of my alley!”
“I don’t see how things are going to be any different. I mean, I’m perfectly happy with Zeke’s leadership as it is, so why should this change anything?” asked Nan. “Also, get the hell out of my broom closet!”
“It’s a little disappointing to be honest,” relative newcomer to 5MV Chancellor Valium remarked. “I bet if I’d run against Zeke, I could have won! Just imagine that, me, Webmaster of Five-Minute Voyager…” At this point Valium started laughing maniacally, and after twenty minutes of waiting for him to stop this reporter got fed up and left.
“I most certainly approve of his methods,” evil Dutch woman catalina_marina informed me. “It was just done so wonderfully evilly! There should have been more math though.”
"Can't talk - busy Photoshopping!" was the only response gotten from Alexia. This reporter did however find the picture of a fluffly rabbit with Zeke's head attached (encaptioned "Zekey-buns") that she was working on to be exceptionally hilarious.
Sometime co-Webmaster Kira was asked her thoughts on the election, but she just smiled knowingly and went on torturing some poor soul who had made the mistake of calling her “Colonel”.
From what this reporter can tell, its going to be more or less business as usual at Five-Minute Voyager. Why did Zeke have an election? Perhaps he was bored. Perhaps the voices in his head told him to. Who knows? One thing is sure though – Zeke’s policy of 52% more pie for 5MVers is one that it’s hard for anyone to argue with.