PointyHairedJedi
01-16-2006, 01:40 PM
For Voyager Week (hey, remember that sucker?) I actually wrote three Top Ten lists, not two - the third, however, wasn't finished in time, and has been languishing unfinished on my hard-drive ever since. Today, however, I stumbled across it, and decided that it was high time that I actually completed it. So, without further ado, I present:
Top Ten Plot Twists That Might Occur if Jack Bauer was the Captain of Voyager
10. Following a run in with the Borg, a secret subroutine in the EMH’s programming is accidentally activated, but gets corrupted in the process. Subsequently he tries to gain control of the ship by mercilessly singing Gilbert & Sullivan operettas at the crew, a tactic that proves surprisingly successful.
9. One of the Maquis crew members turns out to be a deep-cover Cardassian double agent, and…. erm, perhaps we’ll skip this one.
8. The Talaxians, who for the fist half of the show seem harmless enough, actually turn out to be bent on galactic domination. Jack is forced to shoot Neelix, who was a sleeper agent, on the bridge in a dramatic showdown after it is revealed that he really was trying to poison the crew.
7. Single-handedly taking down 47 Hirogen with his trusty phaser-rifle, Bertie, Jack learns that they were actually working for a shadowy organisation intent upon... well, something sinister, anyway. He might actually decide to find out later; for the moment he's just enjoying shooting things up.
6. Voyager itself is afflicted by a strange temporal anomaly, resulting in the crew losing fifteen minutes of every hour.
5. All the shuttles are replaced with very large black SUVs. Chakotay initially objects, but later withdraws that objection when he discovers that they are much more satisfying to crash than the Type-12s ever were.
4. After being drawn into a convoluted plot to assassinate the Borg Queen, Jack discovers that the whole thing is actually a cover for a secret plot to assassinate the Borg Queen.
3. Jack, ignoring all that wimpy Starfleet claptrap about being nice to people, actually gets the ship back home in the middle of the fifth season, and spends the rest of the show trying to out-macho Benjamin Sisko.
2. His daughter, Kim, who is on board when Voyager is pulled into the Delta Quadrant, doesn’t get kidnapped every other week or end up getting tangled up in ongoing events in any way shape or form. She does however take up stamp collecting.
And the number one plot twist that might occur if Jack Bauer was the captain of Voyager:
1. In the series finale, we discover that, though it had been previously intimated, Jack hadn't actually been on a super-secret undercover mission to the Delta Quadrant (to locate an antidote to a genetic plague that was sweeping the Federation) under the guise of being totally lost; he actually had been lost, and just really, really hated stopping to ask for directions.
Top Ten Plot Twists That Might Occur if Jack Bauer was the Captain of Voyager
10. Following a run in with the Borg, a secret subroutine in the EMH’s programming is accidentally activated, but gets corrupted in the process. Subsequently he tries to gain control of the ship by mercilessly singing Gilbert & Sullivan operettas at the crew, a tactic that proves surprisingly successful.
9. One of the Maquis crew members turns out to be a deep-cover Cardassian double agent, and…. erm, perhaps we’ll skip this one.
8. The Talaxians, who for the fist half of the show seem harmless enough, actually turn out to be bent on galactic domination. Jack is forced to shoot Neelix, who was a sleeper agent, on the bridge in a dramatic showdown after it is revealed that he really was trying to poison the crew.
7. Single-handedly taking down 47 Hirogen with his trusty phaser-rifle, Bertie, Jack learns that they were actually working for a shadowy organisation intent upon... well, something sinister, anyway. He might actually decide to find out later; for the moment he's just enjoying shooting things up.
6. Voyager itself is afflicted by a strange temporal anomaly, resulting in the crew losing fifteen minutes of every hour.
5. All the shuttles are replaced with very large black SUVs. Chakotay initially objects, but later withdraws that objection when he discovers that they are much more satisfying to crash than the Type-12s ever were.
4. After being drawn into a convoluted plot to assassinate the Borg Queen, Jack discovers that the whole thing is actually a cover for a secret plot to assassinate the Borg Queen.
3. Jack, ignoring all that wimpy Starfleet claptrap about being nice to people, actually gets the ship back home in the middle of the fifth season, and spends the rest of the show trying to out-macho Benjamin Sisko.
2. His daughter, Kim, who is on board when Voyager is pulled into the Delta Quadrant, doesn’t get kidnapped every other week or end up getting tangled up in ongoing events in any way shape or form. She does however take up stamp collecting.
And the number one plot twist that might occur if Jack Bauer was the captain of Voyager:
1. In the series finale, we discover that, though it had been previously intimated, Jack hadn't actually been on a super-secret undercover mission to the Delta Quadrant (to locate an antidote to a genetic plague that was sweeping the Federation) under the guise of being totally lost; he actually had been lost, and just really, really hated stopping to ask for directions.