The Five-Minute Forums - September 20: Star Wars Trilogy

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The Empire Strikes Back

As most of you are probably aware, the new and "improved" Star Wars Trilogy is out on DVD today. Hats off to George Lucas, without whose incessant meddling I would have missed many an opportunity for a joke.

And without further ado, today's presentation of Five-Minute The Empire Strikes Back. Tomorrow, the thrilling conclusion. Will R2D2 succeed in killing Luke? Will Luke and Leia put their finger on what's gross? Will the Ewoks eat everyone? All these answers and more....

Excellent. I get first crack.

Quote:

Luke: This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun.
Solo: Ahem.
Luke: (sigh) This is what you get for stuffing me inside a dead Tauntaun, sir.
Solo: That's better.

*znerk*

Quote:

Rebel Soldier: Sir, we've spotted Imperial Walkers closing in on our position.
Rebel Commander: Dear God! How long until they reach us?
Rebel Soldier: At their current speed? About four days.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! The best jokes are the ones you don't see coming.

Quote:

Solo: We should be able to lose the Imperial ships in this asteroid field.
C3PO: Sir! The odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are forty seven thousand to one!
Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.

Quote:

Vader: Greetings, bounty hunter scum. I'm in the market for some Rebels, and there will be a reward for... say, you seem familiar. Are you sure you're not a Stormtrooper?
Boba Fett: Yep. I'm one of a kind.

<g>

Quote:

Solo: Well, I'm about to be frozen in carbonite. Even if I survive, I'll be a prisoner of Jabba the Hutt. Is there anything you'd like to say?
Leia: Yes. Is that offer to arrange for me to kiss a Wookiee still good?
Solo: I'll pretend I heard "I love you." And Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Forget what I said about taking care of the Princess for me.

<snicker>

That was definitely worth waiting for. I look forward to tomorrow's offering.

Quote:

Dack: GAK!

Heh. And if there were two of them, would they be a Dax?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derek

I'm now starting to suspect this is one of those common rumors that get passed around about lots of different movies with the details tweaked to suit each one. ... Either that or actors are very dumb.

Uma Thurman admitted to making kung-fu swiping noises while filming Kill Bill.

I'll take door number two, Monty. ;)

(I bet it all goes back to the childhood plastic rayguns/lightsabers/etc. It's become a Pavlovian response by adulthood. ;))

Oh yeah: Excellent work, Kira! :mrgreen:

Quote:

Operator: To continue using the Force Long Distance, please deposit twenty-five cents.

Heeheehee :mrgreen:

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudshark

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

You know, I hate to tangent this topic too much, but I'm getting awfully tired of this sentiment. I have the DVDs, I've enjoyed what I've seen so far, and I don't see anything that detracts from the Star Wars experience.

I find it extremely ironic that everyone in here is jumping on Lucas when he rewrites history, yet you all love Enterprise for it's same failing.

Give it a break, guys.

This isn't to detract from my opinion of Kira's fivers -- they're definitely up there with Kira's greatest work. Keep it up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ijdgaf

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudshark

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

I hear you ijdgaf, I've seen the new Special-Edition Series of Star Wars (all three of them), and frankly, I like them.
I recently saw a documentary on the Star Wars Trilogy and the Special Edition, and they said (with George Lucas in this documentary too) that he really wanted all that special edition stuff in there the first time, but couldn't do it due to budget or technology constraints.

And I wouldn't go so far as to say I love enterprise. It could be quite a bit better.

<campaign message>And I might have a chance to help it if I am elected as Executive Producer!</campaign message>

Ooo! More extremely funny stuff!

Quote:

Wampa: GRAAAAAAR!
Luke: Oh yeah? Check out my mad lightsaber skills, then we'll see who tastes like chicken.

...
C3PO: No, I don't think we might as well seal the doors. Really, R2, you should learn to be more optimistic like me.

:mrgreen:

Quote:

Solo: Luke! Luke! Oh man, he's in bad shape. It's a good thing R2 gave me those first aid tips before I left. Now, which end of the Tauntaun do I stuff him in....

LOL! :D

Quote:

Solo: Come on, Princess! If there's any time to run like a little girl, this is it.
Leia: What's your excuse the rest of the time?

Heheheh.

Quote:

Solo: What are the odds you can calculate that accurately?
C3PO: Five trillion to one, but I hardly see how that's relevant.

What are the odds, indeed? ;) Must've picked that up from a magazine article from years ago or something...

Quote:

Vader: This had better be good, Master. I was having fun blowing up things.
Palpatine: I have sensed a new presence in the Force -- Luke Skywalker. We must kill him.
Vader: That's your reaction to everyone new we meet. Why don't we try sending him a fruit basket instead?

Bwahahaha!

Quote:

Leia: You found Threepio in a junk pile? Can you fix him?
Solo: Whoa, whoa. Let's not be too hasty here.

Heheheh. :twisted:

Quote:

Luke: Is that a bottomless pit? I've always wanted to try out one of those.
Vader: Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as... hey! Get back here!
Luke: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

:mrgreen: And another great blurb, too!

Quote:

Vader: Welcome, young Skywalker. I have set this trap for you.
Luke: Oh no! It's a trap!
Vader: I see Obi-Wan didn't teach you to have bad feelings about things.

Even more awesomer. Hilarious!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudshark

Kira, it occurs to me to add:

Thank you for calling it Five-minute Star Wars, instead of that incredibly lame, tacked-on-22-years-after-the-fact, really stupid "A New Hope" boojazz. Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned. (Next up, folks: a rant upon "Hikaru" -- sheesh! :roll: )

[Disclaimer: this post will make absolutely no sense to most of you -- don't worry about it.]

A little silly (imo) to complain about calling the movie Episode 4 (which it was), A New Hope (the title at the beginning of the movie, for Pete's sake), or Star Wars (the original merchandising title). It's not really revisionism--Star Wars was always Episode 4, A New Hope, and I heard people calling it that in 1977. Now they're just putting it on the box.

I usually refer to it as Episode 4 just so there's no question of whether I'm referring to the film or the franchise (but then, I'm a pedantic nerd myself). Since there are five Star Wars films, soon to be six, what's wrong with a little clarity every once in a while? Why do people get upset about these things? So what if they're changing the marketing now?

But then, I was one of those people who was pleased somebody filled in the gaping hole that was Sulu's first name, so clearly I'm a grade A maroon on that score, too. :)

Anyway this is all off topic. Great work Kira, and eagerly awaiting "Episiode 6"! (psst--is it O.K. to call it that?) ;)[/i]

Return of the Jedi

Hooray for Ewoks, it's Return of the Jedi.

We're not done with the Star Wars-themed material, but before I sign off for today, a few kudos: Marc, Derek, IJD GAF, Zeke, and anyone else who read the fivers, helped me with sticky scenes, or suggested a joke that I ended up using. Also, let's hear it for R2D2 and Chewbacca, by far the best characters I've ever written lines for without writing actual lines.

Hooray for Return of the Jedi!

Another awesome fiver!

Favorite Parts:

Quote:

Solo: So, what's been going on in between movies, Chewie?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Lando's a Jedi? Leia's not a traitor? Luke's here to rescue me?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Oh, like you'd have sharp hearing after getting frozen in carbonite.

Quote:

Jabba: What do you want, Jedi?
Luke: You will bring Captain Solo and WHOA! That is one smoking outfit you've got on Leia! Um, what was I saying?
Jabba: I was about to feed you to the Rancor.
Luke: Right. No, wait a min--AAAAAA!

Quote:

Jabba: Any last words, Jedi?
Luke: Yes. (ahem) Get ready to toss me my lightsaber, R2.
R2D2: beep dedoop blip?
Luke: What do you mean, what lightsaber? The one I gave you when I explained my daring rescue plan!
R2D2: blip zoop dedoop?
Luke: No, I'm not going to go over it again.

Quote:

Leia: Take this, you slimy ball of slime!
Jabba: I never thought I'd go this way, being strangled by a hot babe in a bikini... but I'd always really hoped so. GAK!

Quote:

Lando: Aaaa! The Sarlacc's got me!
Solo: Chewie, did you hear something?
Lando: Han, you idiot, it's your sight that hasn't returned yet, not your hearing!
Solo: What's that, Lando? You want me to shoot the blaster in your general direction?

Quote:

Luke: Are you all right, Master Yoda? You look a little green. Heheheh.
Yoda: Impudent padawan... funny think you are. There is something you must know -- there is another ss... sssky... skyw...
Luke: Skyway? Skywinch?
Yoda: Gak!
Luke: Great, now I'll never know what he was trying to say!

Quote:

Leia: Luke, you're back! Is something wrong?
Luke: What makes you say that?
Leia: That's the first time you've hugged me and not tried to cop a feel.

Quote:

Lando: Well, I'm in command of what could be the most important mission in the history of the galaxy. If only I had a ship....
Solo: All right, all right! You can take the Falcon, if it will stop your pathetic attempts at subtle hints. I'll need some collateral, though. What are your assets?
Lando: Hm. Well, I do have this ship I just borrowed.
Solo: Done.

Quote:

Solo: Hello, giant Imperial Cruiser. I am a real Imperial Soldier, flying a real Imperial Shuttle on real Imperial Business. I'll transmit you my real Imperial Access Codes right now. They're real, I swear.
Imperial Soldier: (over the comm) Shield deactivation is commencing. Hold your present course.
Solo: They bought it!
Leia: Han, the comm is still open.

Quote:

Ewoks: (brandishing spears) Ee-cha! Oo-took cha!
Luke: Threepio, tell them who we are.
C3PO: Oo-cha Luke Skywalker, bok-cha ee-tak Princess Leia, took-cha tee Captain Solo, oo-tee-cha Chewbacca.
Ewoks: Ee-cha!
Solo: HEY! They're trying to cook me!
Luke: Threepio, what did you tell them?
C3PO: I'm terribly sorry, sir, I seem to have translated improperly. It would appear I told them that Captain Solo tastes like chicken.

Quote:

Leia: Luke, tell me what's wrong.
Luke: Vader is my father.
Leia: Ha! Boy, does it ever suck to be you.
Luke: There's more. You're my twin sister.
Leia: Oh... well, I kind of figured that.
Luke: What? How?
Leia: It was the only explanation I could think of for your being one of the only two people in the trilogy who doesn't want to make out with me.
Luke: Oh. Wait, who's the other one?
Leia: Threepio. But I think he's gay.

Quote:

Palpatine: You will join us or die, young Skywalker.
Luke: Drat, I hate multiple choice. Um, I choose "c."
Palpatine: There were only two choices, idiot... but that's okay, I'll make choice "c" "slaughter the Rebels."
Luke: Crap.

Quote:

Solo: (knock knock) Open up in there!
Stormtroopers: Who's there?
Solo: Um... pizza delivery.
Stormtroopers: Sweet! Safeguarding this generator from those Rebels is hard work. We're starving.
Solo: The door's opening! Quick, pass me the portable salsa generator!
Leia: Or we could just hold them at gunpoint when they rush out.
Solo: Would it kill you to leave one of my plans alone?
Leia: I'd rather not find out.

Quote:

Solo: I'm sure Luke's all right.
Leia: You can feel it too?
Solo: No, my luck's just not that good.
R2D2: beep zoop blip!
C3PO: But R2, shouldn't you be happy Master Luke survived?
Leia: All right, I've got to ask -- R2, what have you got against Luke?
R2D2: zoop bedoop blip blip
C3PO: He says Master Luke reminds him of a former master that he detested.

Quote:

Luke: Um, hi guys. What are you doing here? And who are you?
Anakin: Don't you recognize your old man?
Obi-Wan: (I still don't see why he gets to look so good in the afterlife.)
Yoda: (Told you to suck up to George Lucas, I did.)
Anakin: Anyways, now that you got me all redeemed and stuff, I decided to hang out with these two, just like old times.
Obi-Wan: Old times, my a-- Anakin: We thought we'd follow you around until the next sequel.
Luke: But... this is the last installment of the trilogy. There isn't another sequel.
Yoda: Sucks to be you, it does.
(Luke screams for mercy at Ludicrous Speed)

As always, excellent work! :D :D :D

And the blurb...

Quote:

The droids get stuck doing Jabba-worky. Bad guys get thrown into the Sarlacc's maw Fett first. Yoda Jedies like a muppet. Luke finds out that Obi-Wan was Bending the truth. All good things come to an Endor, and find a few bad things there. The tension between Luke and Vader is Palpable. Han's team does some AT-STomping. Vader finally becomes a good manakin. If you got through this blurb alive, you just might survive the Ewoks too.

What can I possibly say?

Quote:

Commander Jerjerrod: Lord Vader, we're honoured by your visit. I hope everything is in order?
Vader: Almost everything.
Jerjerrod: Of course, sir. I nearly forgot.
Imperial Soldiers: (humming) Bum bum bum bom bah bum, bom bah bum....
Vader: Much better.

ROFL!

Quote:

Jabba: What do you want, Jedi?
Luke: You will bring Captain Solo and WHOA! That is one smoking outfit you've got on Leia! Um, what was I saying?

This is true, although I imagine it must have chafed.

Quote:

Jabba's Ships: FWOOOOM!
Luke: Woo! Who's da man? Who's da man?
Leia: N--
Luke: You're going to mock my girly haircut, aren't you?
Leia: Not if you're going to take all the fun out of it.

Speaking as someone with a Luke Skywalker haircut...hmph. :P

Quote:

Solo: That's crazy!
Lando: It's suicidal!
Leia: It could be a trap!

Don't worry, Ackbar will tell you if it's a trap.

Quote:

Leia: Luke, you're back! Is something wrong?
Luke: What makes you say that?
Leia: That's the first time you've hugged me and not tried to cop a feel.

*awed* Leia's my sister... *horrified* Leia's my sister?!

Quote:

Luke: (dragging Vader) Huff... puff... oof. You're pretty heavy for someone who doesn't seem to be able to eat.
Vader: Go on without me, my son. But first, take off my mask.
(Luke removes his mask)
Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

Ever hear the voice of the guy in the suit doing Vader's lines? Sounds like Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet, with an English accent.

Nice end to the trilogy.

Quote:

Holo-Luke: Greetings, mighty Jabba. I'm here to tell you about an exclusive one-time offer: for the low, low price of one Han Solo collectible, you can own my guarantee that I won't come kick your butt! If you order now, you'll also receive these two droids!
Jabba: Lousy telemarketers. They always interrupt my dinner.

Excellent job with that scene. :D

Quote:

C3PO: And that even though he managed to capture a Wookiee over twice his size, they are not working together and this is not a ruse.
Jabba: I don't know how I ever got along without a translator droid.

Quote:

Heheheh.

Quote:

Mothma: Our spies have obtained valuable information about the construction of the new Death Star: a map of the galaxy, marked with a giant "X".
...
Mothma: As per usual Alliance battle procedures, we will attack the Death Star against incredible odds and without complete information and hope we get lucky.

Heeheehee :mrgreen:

Quote:

Stormtroopers: Awwwwwwww. Look at the cute little --
Ewoks: ATTACK!
Stormtroopers: AAAAAAARGH! OH, THE PAIN!
Ewoks: Mwahahahaha. Cha.

:twisted:

Quote:

Luke: Well, yeah, but that's beside the point -- you know the rules. No lightsaber fights without a bottomless pit.

Hmm, good point. :mrgreen: Not sure I'd ever thought of it that way.

Quote:

Solo: The door's opening! Quick, pass me the portable salsa generator!

Bwahaha!

And of course another great blurb. :)

Quote:

Leia: All right, I've got to ask -- R2, what have you got against Luke?
R2D2: zoop bedoop blip blip
C3PO: He says Master Luke reminds him of a former master that he detested.

<beams>

Great stuff, Kira!

WHOO! Oh, and
The Kira-Star will be in the correct temporal range to poke Zeke with pointy stick of doom in approximately 20 days. :D

Very good indeed. I have one minor complaint though - how come Wicket W. Warrick only got a "Ewok" speaker credit? :D

Quote:

Vader: I see that my grotesquely mutilated face shocks you.
Luke: Oh, it's not that. For some reason I was expecting you to be a big black guy.

hell, I've been wondering that since 1983! :mrgreen: Great job. again.

In the words of C3PO: Wonderful! Wonderful!

Episode 4: Awesome
Episode 5: Awesomer
Episode 6: Awesomest!

Quote:

Don't worry, Ackbar will tell you if it's a trap.

hee hee