[color=#000000:post_uid0]Neo wakes up and meets Tank, a freeborn human without an uplink port (meaning he can't enter the Matrix, so he acts as "operator" when the team does so). He tells Neo about Zion, the last free human city. Then he hooks Neo up for the training Morpheus mentioned -- which turns out to be nothing more difficult than instantaneous downloads into his brain. Neo learns one martial art after another, loving every minute.

One scene, synopsis here.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]First try - don't expect anything spectacular.

Tank: Do not try to see the holes. Instead, only try to see the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Tank: There are no holes.
Neo: So you're from Zion then?
Tank: Yup - last place in the real world where you can still buy a McDonalds. Time to start downloading things I think.
Neo: And how do you do that, exactly?
Tank: Using GoZilla of course.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Tank: Hey Neo, I've got great news for you! We're having a sale on fighting techniques! Order RIGHT NOW and we'll give you eight methods for one cent! That's right, EIGHT AMAZING HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT METHODS for JUST ONE CENT! Astound your friends with--
Neo: Do you have jiu-jitsu?
Tank: Yep.
Neo: Boxing?
Tank: Traditional, Drunken, [i:post_uid0]or[/i:post_uid0] Mike Tyson style!
Neo: Can you teach me how to hang motionless in the air just before I deliver a lethal kick to my opponent's jaw?
Tank: When we get through with you, even Michael Jordan's hangtime will pale next to yours.
Neo: Sweet! Count me in.[/quote:post_uid0]

Too long and it only covers one point, but I thought I'd share it anyway.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]This section isn't really inspiring me, but here are three to choose from:

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] I'm a child of Zion.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] You're a child of a mountain?
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Sigh. The first thing I'm uploading to you is a copy of the Torah.

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Zion is where all the cool people hang out.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Is it on top of a mountain?
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] No, it's near the center of the Earth where it's still warm.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Then how are all the people there cool?

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Did you get much sleep last night?
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] No.
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] You will tonight. I'm going to upload [i:post_uid0]Star Trek: The Motion Picture[/i:post_uid0] to you tonight including the deleted "Memory Wall" scenes.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Oh, I like all three of Derek's. NAHT's and PHJ's seemed long, and also less funny. I'll post when I come up with something clever. Or with something stupid. But preferably with something clever.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I agree with Standback and Derek for the most part. It's frustrating :mad: -- here we have a computer geek, wish-fulfillmenting on behalf of computer geeks everywhere, having a ball learning how to fight "cool" in what one could consider a plot device, and I can't think of much to do with that potential so far.

Anyone know any good Mr. Miyagi quotes?

[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Come, Neo--we're going to make you into a martial-arts fighter.
Neo: Why?
Tank: Because if we leave you as a computer geek, we'll waste all these nifty special effects we've got. Also, the last action hero we had quit.
Neo: Why did he do that?
Tank: He found out we're Zionists. You don't mind, do you?
Neo: What, and pass up a chance to allow millions of computer geeks to live vicariously through my kung fu adventures? Never![/quote:post_uid0]









(Honk if you spotted the movie title before you read this sentence. ;))[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Downloaning... now!
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Whoa!
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] I know, things are a lot faster since we've upgraded Morpheus.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Morpheus? When's he comming?
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] When's who coming?
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] The guy on first!
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] OK, that's the last time I download the classic comedy routines program first!

S'all I got - so far[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Tank: What shall we download first?
Neo: Acting skills?
Tank: Too complicated, how about Combat Training?
Neo: Um, sounds good to me
Tank: Hold on
*first download*
Neo: Wow, she was hot. I want more!!
Tank: Oops, that was the program for the woman in the red dress
Neo: What dress?[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Sax, allow me to bounce off your idea, for:

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] The man's a machine! I've never seen a guy download so much information so quickly!
[b:post_uid0]Morpheus:[/b:post_uid0] That's because we only upgraded to ASDL last week.
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Oh. Right.

But I really liked NeoMatrix's one, with maybe a few minor phrase edits:

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] So, what'll we download first?
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Acting skills?
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Yeah, right. How about Combat Training?
[i:post_uid0](Neo spasms, sizzles, and comes out gasping for breath.)[/i:post_uid0]
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Whoa! Give me more!
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Whoops. That was the "woman-in-the-red-dress" program.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] What dress?

And I'd actually put the original "Holy shit!" in instead of "Whoa!", but I'm not quite sure where we draw the line around here, and it's not exactly important.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]This was rattling around in my brain for a while, and when did Zeke post the block? Â When I was away for the weekend. Â :P

Tank: Neo's been downloading for 10 hours!
Morpheus: Why so long?
Tank: He's only 2400 baud.
Morpheus: Hmm...maybe I was wrong about him being The One.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Just a thought:

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] I have no holes, because I'm homegrown, get it? Homegrown, bwahahaha.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Eh, right.
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] That does it, lets start downloading social lessons. Lesson one: How to appreciate Tank's sense of humor.
[b:post_uid0]Morpheus:[/b:post_uid0] Tank, not him too! You're already responsible for killing the first five guys![/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0="Standback"][b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Whoops. That was the "woman-in-the-red-dress" program.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] What dress?[/quote:post_uid0]
HmmmMMMmmm this sounds vaguely familiar... Have no idea why. Was it in some other fiver? :leaky memory:


I'm bouncing off various ideas here, but how about this:

[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Hey guys! Check out his download rate! Amazing! I've never seen anything like it!
[b:post_uid0]Morpheus:[/b:post_uid0] He's on broadband.
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Oh.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] *waking up* Whoah! Hot! Give me more!
[b:post_uid0]Morpheus:[/b:post_uid0] [i:post_uid0]The 147 positions of the Kama Sutra[/i:post_uid0]? What the-?!
[b:post_uid0]Tank:[/b:post_uid0] Aw, shucks, wrong file!


Gah. Will post when I think of a [i:post_uid0]funny,[/i:post_uid0] ORIGINAL idea.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]Tank: Good morning. I have been assigned to act as your instructor during your stay here. Today we will start with the basics. First off: Infrastructure Maintenance 101--How to Fill Out and Submit a Request Form for Supplies; Infra-Maintenance 102--Thirty-Three Ways to Peel Potatoes When You Don't Have a Sharp Knife--
Neo: Hey, let's skip all that and go straight to the good stuff like karate, OK?
Tank: Um, I suppose that that could also work...
Neo: And get me one of those pairs of cool shades.
Tank: No. To get cool shades, you must go to Z'ha'Dum and visit the gift shop.
Neo: Don't you mean Zion?
Tank: Whatever. And you can't go there until you've passed all the classes, including Security 103: How to Stop Someone From Betraying Us All to the Matrix.*
Neo: Aw.[/quote:post_uid0]

Long, but we could shorten it down or something...

[quote:post_uid0]Neo: Can you get me one of those pairs of cool shades?
Tank: No. To get cool shades, you must go to Z'ha'Dum and visit the gift shop.
Neo: Don't you mean Zion?
Tank: Whatever. And you can't go there until you've passed all the classes, including Security 103: How to Stop Someone From Betraying Us All to the Matrix.*
Neo: Aw.[/quote:post_uid0]

*I haven't seen the movie, but I'm envisioning a later scene, based on comments here, that runs something like this:

[b:post_uid0]Neo: Hey, what's up?[/b:post_uid0]
Cypher: Oh, nothing.
Neo: "Nothing"? You sure look busy.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher: I'm just betraying you all to the Matrix, is all.
Neo: Oh, okay.[/b:post_uid0]

Etc, etc.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]including Security 103: How to Stop Someone From Betraying Us All to the Matrix.*
[/quote:post_uid0]

Or How To Defend Yourself Against An Agent Armed With A Banana.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I like NeoMatrix's (pronounced "NeoMatrices").[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Yep, NeoMatrix's is pretty good. But I also rather like Derek's, my last short version, and the Zionist comment--but not everyone would get that last one.

[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Wow, man, you're my hero! Can I have your autograph?
Neo: Lend me your collection of "Unarmed Fighting for Dummies" books and it's a deal.
Tank: Sweet!

Time: Dum de dum de dum...NAH's too brain-dead right now to think of anything relevant and witty to put in here...

Tank: So, what does it feel like being an invincible human fighting machine?
Neo: I dunno. I gave up on those books you lent me. I couldn't understand them. The pictures were nice though.[/quote:post_uid0][/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Well, none of them really grab me so far (though I did like NeoMatrix's ending), so I'm gonna take another shot at it.

Neo: Holy....oh, wait. You must be from Zion, right?
Tank: Well, I guess we can skip the bad pun programs. Let's move on to something more advanced.
*Ffzapp*
Neo: Oka-ay...Improvisation? Characterisation? Delivery? I'm just confused now...
Tank: Maybe that was a bit [i:post_uid0]too[/i:post_uid0] advanced.

Alternately you could just tack NM's ending on to that.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]:( This is what comes of trying to five a movie you've never seen, bit by bit. I've only just realized we could have been inserting various references to "The Last Starfighter" in here...



This scene could probably be trimmed several different ways.


[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Today we're gonna teach you karate, Neo--
Neo: Sweet!
Tank: --and after that you'll learn kung fu fighting.
Neo: I remember that fad from a few years back. It seemed like I just turned around and suddenly, fast as lightning, [i:post_uid0]everyone[/i:post_uid0] was into that...
Tank: ...Then we'll teach you judo, and kick-boxing, and--
Neo: Why so many different fighting styles?
Tank: The Matrix Collective is incredibly advanced, Neo. Matrix agents have the ability to quickly adapt to almost any method of attack. You might get the first few with your first tactic, but the rest will be impervious to your attacks, and you'll have to be able to rapidly change your phaser frequencies--
Neo: Wait, aren't you thinking of the Borg? And you're teaching me [i:post_uid0]how[/i:post_uid0] many different ways to fight again? How many agents am I going to be facing at once?
Tank: Possibly as many as a few dozen. Think you can handle it?
Neo: Ha, of course! But the way you were going, I thought I might have to fight a hundred or more at the same time. No way I could win a fight like that![/quote:post_uid0][/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I like it. Even though it's [i:post_uid0]awfully[/i:post_uid0] long.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Thank you. :D But as I said, I think we could pick and choose which lines we wanted (assuming we want any). Also, Tank's spiel about the Matrix could use a little shortening. If anyone knows any quotations from Trek we could "borrow" for the purpose, feel free to suggest them.



This would probably be my own preference at the moment:

[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Today we're gonna teach you karate, Neo--
Neo: Sweet!
Tank: --Then we'll teach you judo, kick-boxing, kung fu, jiu-jitsu--
Neo: Why so many different martial arts?
Tank: The Matrix Collective is like the Borg, Neo. You can only kill a few agents before the rest adapt, forcing you to adopt a different strategy.
Neo: And you're teaching me how many different styles of fighting again? How many agents am I going to be facing at any one time?
Tank: Possibly as many as a few dozen. Think you can handle it?
Neo: Ha, of course! But the way you were going, I thought I might have to fight a hundred or more at once. No way I could win a fight like that![/quote:post_uid0]



This could be a different way of trimming it:

[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Today we're gonna teach you kung fu fighting, Neo.
Neo: I remember that fad from a few years back. It seemed like I just turned around and suddenly, fast as lightning, [i:post_uid0]everybody[/i:post_uid0] was into that...
Tank: ...Then we'll teach you judo, kick-boxing, karate--
Neo: Why so many different fighting styles?
Tank: The Matrix Collective is incredibly advanced, Neo. Matrix agents have the ability to quickly adapt to almost any method of attack. You 'll only be able to kill a few with one tactic before the rest adapt, so you'll have to change phaser frequencies repeatedly--
Neo: Um, aren't you thinking of the Borg?[/quote:post_uid0]



Or we could use the first joke from that second trimmed version, and segue into Neo's version:
[quote:post_uid0]Tank: Today we're gonna teach you kung fu fighting, Neo.
Neo: I remember that fad from a few years back. It seemed like I just turned around and suddenly, fast as lightning, [i:post_uid0]everybody[/i:post_uid0] was into that...
Tank: ...Then we'll teach you judo, kick-boxing, karate--but enough talk. Let's get started.
*first download*
Neo: Wow, she was hot. I want more!
Tank: Oops, that was the program for the woman in the red dress.
Neo: What dress?[/quote:post_uid0][/color:post_uid0]