[color=#000000:post_uid0]Late at night, Neo has a conversation with Cypher over a bottle of the weird alcoholic drink Dozer makes. Cypher isn't exactly encouraging; he's cynical about Neo being the One, and gives him a "Little piece of advice: you see an Agent, you do what we do -- run. Run your ass off."

After Neo leaves, Cypher jacks into the Matrix and meets with two Agents. He explains (mainly to the audience) his view that the Matrix is better than what reality has become. He makes a deal to give them Morpheus, who knows the Zion access codes, in exchange for reinsertion into the Matrix with a perfect life.

This is actually my favourite part of the movie. Two scenes, synopsis here (but don't trust it -- there's dialogue here I don't recognize).[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Bits and pieces:

Neo: Is that the Matrix?
Cypher: No, that's just our screensaver.

Cypher: You're not the first One.
Neo: No?
Cypher: You're at least the Seventeen, and possibly even the Fortyseven.

Cypher: I want to be an actor, y'hear?
Agent: Mr. Reagan, we can make you President.
Cypher: Deal. You give me that, and I'll get you the next release of *insert video game here* before it hits the market.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I love this part too. I especially like the way all the auxiliary monitors shut down as soon as Cypher notices Neo's there.

And yeah, part of Cypher's speech wasn't in the original Matrix movie.... But it does cast an interesting light on Reloaded.

Anyway,....

[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Hey, Cypher, what're you doing?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Are you implying I'm trying to betray everyone to the Agents?
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] No. What would make you think I think that?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, nothing.

[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] If you betray everyone, we'll put you back in the Matrix.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Make sure I'll be an actor. See if you can't put me in to some summer blockbuster about the nature of reality.
[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] I'll try, but I don't think anyone would buy it.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I'd say this is definitely, [i:post_uid0]definitely[/i:post_uid0], the scene to use the "Oh, nothing" joke. But then I haven't read very far ahead yet.


[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Hey Cypher, knock-knock!
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] [i:post_uid0]Yikes![/i:post_uid0] Don't startle me like that, Neo! You nearly discovered my traitorous preparations for turning Morpheus over to the Agents!
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] What did you just say?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, nothing.

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I wanna be a star.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Okay.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] A movie star, appearing in great movies with cool titles like "Knute Rockne". None of this "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" trash.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] What was that, Mr. Reagan?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, nothing.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Cypher: Hey Neo, I want you to try some of this stuff.
*Neo drinks it*
Neo: Yum, this is some good stuff. Can I have some more?
Cypher: Huh? That isn't right.
------------------------------------------
Cypher: Hey Neo, I want you to try some of this stuff.
*Neo drinks it*
Neo: Phew, this stuff reeks.
Cypher: Trinity told me to give it to you for that Knock Knock joke this morning.
------------------------------------------
Cypher: The Matrix tells my mind that this steak tastes good.
*Cypher takes a bite of steak*
Agent: And I tell the Matrix to change the taste of your steak
Cypher *spitting out the steak* That is so not fair
Agent: Trinity told me to do it.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]some random thoughts:

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Be careful of Agents. They're cunning, powerful, and they'll try to bribe you to betray all your friends.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] How do you know so much about Agents?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Uh....

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] What are you willing to give me if I hand Morpheus over to you?
[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Thirty silver pieces and a new life.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Sold!

[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Why are looking at the Matrix encoded, Cypher?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, like you're the first person to come up with [i:post_uid0]that[/i:post_uid0].[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Bit of foreshadowing/pillaging:

Cypher: I know this isn't realiy steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me.
Smith: Actually, it doesn't. Cows were extinct by the time we got around to programming the Matrix, so we had to use a substitute.
Cypher: Which was...?
Smith: Tofu.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Whoo hoo! The scene we've all been waiting for... Here's to more express-Fiving-by-Committee!

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] The Matrix sucks! Oh, by the way, ignore the glowing sign on my forehead that reads "Traitor".
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Alright. Hey! There's a glowing sign on your forehead that reads "Traitor"! Cool!
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] You know, you're really much stupider than I give you credit for.

(and I can't resist a B5 joke...)

[b:post_uid0]Agent:[/b:post_uid0] My ... associates and I have a question for you, Cypher. What do you want?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] In return for Morpheus? I want a parakeet, a diamond ring, and the complete Season Three of--AIEEE! There's a couple of giant eight-legged things behind you!
[b:post_uid0]Agent:[/b:post_uid0] Ignore it, it's part of the decor.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Cypher: I want to be an actor
Agent: But you already are.
-----------------------------
Cypher: I want to be an actor
Agent: The last time we programmed someone to be an actor, it didn't quite work out.
Cypher: It wasn't Neo by any chance
Agent: Yep, he's the One.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Ooooh. Very nice ones this time. Yay getting out of endless slumps!

I particularly liked Derek's:

[quote:post_uid0]
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] If you betray everyone, we'll put you back in the Matrix.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Make sure I'll be an actor. See if you can't put me in to some summer blockbuster about the nature of reality.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] I'll try, but I don't think anyone would buy it.[/quote:post_uid0]

and:

[quote:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Be careful of Agents. They're cunning, powerful, and they'll try to bribe you to betray all your friends.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] How do you know so much about Agents?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Uh....[/quote:post_uid0]

NeoMatrix, I also liked this one a lot (slightly polished):

[quote:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I'll betray all humanity, but only if you make me an actor.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] The last time we programmed someone to be an actor, it didn't quite work out.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Let me guess. Neo.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Yep, he's the One. [/quote:post_uid0]

(Substituting "Keanu Reeves" for "Neo" in that last one might make it even funnier.)

I also like Sa'ar's:

[quote:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I know this isn't really steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me.
[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Actually, it doesn't. Â Cows were extinct by the time we got around to programming the Matrix, so we had to use a substitute.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Which was...?
[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Tofu. [/quote:post_uid0]

The bit about the steak does stick in one's mind, and hence is prime fiving material... I thought of working with this one a bit, though:

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I know this isn't really steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me. Tell your friends I'll turn traitor for you.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Actually, the computers couldn't figure out what steak tastes like. You're eating prime-grade tofu.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh. Well, in that case, I'll still turn traitor, but I'll get myself killed before finishing the job.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Fair enough.

I also agree with NAHT... definitely the place for the "oh, nothing."

I might go for the following (since I really do like Derek's):

[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Hey, Cypher, what's up?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, nothing.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] So, any advice you can give me?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Yeah - be careful of Agents. They're cunning, powerful, and they'll try to bribe you to betray all your friends.
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] How do you know so much about Agents?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Uh....

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I know this isn't really steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me. Tell your friends I'll turn traitor for you.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Actually, the computers couldn't figure out what steak tastes like. You're eating prime-grade tofu.
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh. Well, in that case, I'll still turn traitor, but I'll get myself killed before finishing the job.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Fair enough. Anything else?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Yeah - make me an actor. See if you can't put me in to some summer blockbuster about the nature of reality.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] I'll try, but I don't think anyone would buy it.

It's a wee bit clumsy on the joke-melding... but still...[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]It's a wee bit clumsy on the joke-melding... but still...[/quote:post_uid0]

One of the things I've learned from Kira (and it's taken a while to get it through my thick head) is that anything after the punchline is counterproductive. I've also discovered that you can have funny, or you can have plotpoint, but you can seldom have both. I say leave it at "Tofu" and assume the audience is familiar enough with the story that they know he's going to betray them.

I'm surprised nobody's picked up on "That's our screensaver." I've been waiting *months* to use that.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I gotta admit that ths sounded better in my head than it looks in writing.

Smith: What is it you want, Mr. Reagan?
Cypher: Can I have lots of money and power? Pretty please? I've been a very good boy this year.
Smith: Okay... I can put you on the 'nice' list if you betray and kill your shipmates.
Cypher: Hooray!
Smith: Good. Now get off my knee.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I see what Zeke means about the extra dialogue - the bit where Cypher explains about there being more than one One was certainly not in the film when I saw it.

I think I forsee this being another long one.

Neo: Is that the Matrix?
Cypher: What!? Of course I'm not planning to betray you all to the Agents!
Neo: Agents? What would make you think I was talking about Agents?
Cypher: Oh, nothing.

Cypher: OK, I'll turn traitor for you.
Agent Smith: Excellent. Now, I'd like to introduce my boss.
Seska: Howdy.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0][quote:post_uid0]One of the things I've learned from Kira (and it's taken a while to get it through my thick head) is that anything after the punchline is counterproductive.[/quote:post_uid0]

I agree... but here in FbC, when there are lots of good jokes (in this case, particularly Derek's "summer blockbuster" and the near-mandatory "oh, nothing"), I find myself striving to defy gravity nonetheless.

[quote:post_uid0]I say leave it at "Tofu" and assume the audience is familiar enough with the story that they know he's going to betray them.[/quote:post_uid0]

Not my point. I wasn't trying to get across the plot. I actually thought mine was funnier. ;) I got to shorten yours to two lines, and add in Cypher's, "Well, in [i:post_uid0]that[/i:post_uid0] case," which I find amusing.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I think Derek's delivery of the "Oh, nothing" joke is the best so far, but I also like the two-line take on the tofu scene. Â So this would give:

[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] Hey, Cypher, what're you doing?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Are you implying I'm trying to betray everyone to the Agents?
[b:post_uid0]Neo:[/b:post_uid0] No. What would make you think I think that?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] Oh, nothing.

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I know this isn't really steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me. Tell your friends I'll turn traitor for you.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Actually, the computers couldn't figure out what steak tastes like. You're eating prime-grade tofu.[/color:post_uid0]

[quote:post_uid0="JobeGDG"][color=#000000:post_uid0]I gotta admit that ths sounded better in my head than it looks in writing.

Smith: What is it you want, Mr. Reagan?
Cypher: Can I have lots of money and power? Pretty please? I've been a very good boy this year.
Smith: Okay... I can put you on the 'nice' list if you betray and kill your shipmates.
Cypher: Hooray!
Smith: Good. Now get off my knee.[/color:post_uid0][/quote:post_uid0]
[color=#000000:post_uid0]The head-to-pen,-er,-keyboard problem is a noted phenomenon.

That said, I like the punchline. How about,

Smith: What is it you want, Mr. Reagan?
Cypher: Nothing really. I just want to be reinserted into the Matrix, be an actor in a summer blockbuster, and have a horsey.
Smith: Okay... I can put you on the 'nice' list if you betray and kill your shipmates.
Cypher: That doesn't sound very nice.
Smith: Just shut up and get off my knee.

Hm. Still needs work....

(by the way, welcome to the boards)[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]A possible shorter version...

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] ...and since I've been such a good boy this year, I'd like to be reinserted into the Matrix with a house, and an acting career, and a pony, and lots and lots of steaks.
[b:post_uid0]Smith:[/b:post_uid0] I'll have to check that list twice, but I think we can file you under "nice." Â Now will you please get off my knee?

I still like the tofu scene, though.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]Well, if you're only going for the first two lines, it can be condensed even further, to:

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I know this isn't really steak, but it tastes like steak, which is good enough for me.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Actually, the computers couldn't figure out what steak tastes like. You're eating prime-grade tofu.

I didn't think this was nearly as funny as the others I mentioned, though... Or as the Santa-joke-in-progress, on which mine own tweak is:

[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] ...and I wanna be reinserted into the Matrix with a house, and an acting career, and a pony, and lots and lots of steaks.
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] And have you been a good little boy this year, Mr. Reagan?
[b:post_uid0]Cypher:[/b:post_uid0] I'm gonna betray and kill my shipmates!
[b:post_uid0]Agent Smith:[/b:post_uid0] Good. Now get off my knee.

[quote:post_uid0](by the way, welcome to the boards)[/quote:post_uid0]

Whoa - I didn't even notice that was somebody new! So used to the same faces, I barely bother checking who says what... So welcome an' good tidings t'ya, Jobe![/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]You know it occurs to me that betraying and killing your shipmates [i:post_uid0]isn't[/i:post_uid0] a "nice" thing to do. Maybe we could twist the scene a little....

Cypher: ...and I wanna be reinserted into the Matrix with a house, and an acting career, and a pony, and lots and lots of steaks.
Smith: We'll only do those things if you do something naughty... like betray and kill your shipmates.
Cypher: Gasp! You're the Anti-Claus!
Smith: Just shut up and get off my knee.[/color:post_uid0]

[color=#000000:post_uid0]I think cutting the traitor bit from the tofu scene takes away some nice exposition; if we use it, it should stay in just to let us know where we're at and what's going on. The previous scene does that too, but it's a short line so there's no harm in keeping it.

For the Santa gag, I prefer Standback's version because I think the "Anti-Claus" bit crosses the line of subtlety that we've been dancing around.[/color:post_uid0]